Hearts Will Beat

by E. L. Todd

  “Or do you prefer something else?” he asked. “Gin?”

  “No, I like scotch.”

  Levi turned to the waiter. “Two scotches on the rocks.”

  “Wait, that’s not what I meant.” I turned to the waiter but he was already gone.

  Levi leaned back into the booth with slumped shoulders. His eyes moved to the window and he seemed lost all over again. “She was literally all I had left. She should have told me about the cancer. Even if she didn’t want me to spend a dime, we could have raised the money some other way.”

  “I know…we could have split it.” I’m sure it would have been expensive, but Levi and I didn’t care about the cost. We could always earn more money later down the road. “But then again, if she told me about it I probably would have turned my back on her…because I’m cold.”

  Levi didn’t disagree with the statement. “I’m officially an orphan.”

  “You have to be under eighteen to be an orphan.” It was a technicality and I probably shouldn’t have said that.

  “Whatever,” he said. “I don’t have parents. What does the term matter?”

  It doesn’t.

  The waiter brought the drinks then took our orders.

  When he was gone I eyed the glass in front of me but didn’t take a drink.

  “Every Christmas it’ll just be me…every holiday.”

  That’s how my life was. I was always alone—until Silke. “No, you have me and Abby.”

  “But I’ll never have a regular holiday again. It’ll always be void of both of my parents.”

  “At least you had years with them. I didn’t have that luxury. And when I did…I pushed her away.”

  Levi took a long drink then wiped his lips. “When she told me about you she started crying.” His eyes looked distant like he was somewhere in the past. “She said she hated herself for what she did. And she was afraid I would hate her too…”

  I looked at the table because I couldn’t meet his gaze. Hearing this story made me sad. She really was contrite over what she did. If only I just believed her…things could have been different.

  “I didn’t hate her. But I was confused why she left. She was never an alcoholic when I knew her. She said she used to be a prostitute but I simply couldn’t believe that. I’d only known her as a housewife that had lunch ready for me when I came home from school. On my birthday she would always organize a scavenger hunt in the house...she was a good mom.”

  Something I never got to experience.

  “My dad was a little rough around the edges. But Mom was always warm and loving…but she always had a tint of darkness to her. When she thought I wasn’t looking I saw the sadness on her face. I never figured out what it was until she told me about you. Then I knew exactly what she was thinking in all those moments.”

  I eyed the drink in front of me and watched the ice cubes start to melt.

  Levi finished his and ordered another.

  I managed not to touch mine.

  His words became slurred and somewhat incoherent. The liquor was hitting him hard because he hardly ever drank and he had a low tolerance. “If you’d just forgiven her none of this would have happened…”

  His words ripped a hole through my chest. For a moment I couldn’t breathe. The words I feared most were being said right to my face.

  “She could have gotten treatment and survived. But instead, she kept it to herself because she didn’t want you to think she wanted anything from you.” He finished his second drink and pushed the empty glass to the end of the table like he wanted a refill. “I would still have my mother right now if you just given her a chance.”

  My entire body felt oddly cold. The air fell a few degrees, and my heart slowed down like it was about to stop beating altogether. The vicious things I thought about myself weren’t original. Levi thought them too.

  I eyed the glass in front of me and suddenly felt hollow and empty. There was nothing left to live for. The pain was swallowing me hole, making me feel smaller than ever before. My greatest fear was true—I was a murderer.

  My hand found the glass and I brought it to my lips. The cool liquid burned my throat as it moved down my gullet. The pain immediately began to subside and my body treasured the familiar fog.

  And then the rest was a blur.

  Chapter Eight

  Theo

  “Where are you going?” Dee sat up in bed, the sheets tight around her waist. Her beautiful tits were perky, and I wanted to suck her nipples until they were raw.

  “Getting dinner with Conrad.” I pulled on my jeans then picked up my shirt off the floor.

  “Do you have to go tonight?” She scooted to the edge of the bed and started massaging her tits right in front of me.

  My cock hardened even though I wasn’t sure how. I already had her twice that evening. “I’ll be back, Dee. You think I’d sleep anywhere else knowing this is waiting for me?”

  She pressed her tits together before she released them.

  “Come with me.”

  “To dinner?” she asked.

  “Why not?”

  “Isn’t it just you two?”

  “No, you can come. Conrad used to bring his girlfriends everywhere.” I did my best not to bring up Beatrice or Lexie to him. He was in too much pain to hear either of their names at the moment.

  “Are you sure I’m not crowding you?”

  I leaned over the bed and kissed her. “I wouldn’t have invited you if you were crowding.”

  “True.” She got my bottom lip in her teeth and gave me a playful bite.

  “Are you always this charged?”

  “No. Only for you.” She ran her hands up my chest.

  If I didn’t pull away from her now I would never leave. “Then get dressed.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Roger’s.”

  “That’s a bar.”

  “Yeah. So?”

  “You said you were getting dinner.”

  “They have food there.”

  She finally left the bed and started getting dressed. “I’m getting a greasy burger and a tall beer.”

  “Sounds like what I’m getting.”

  ***

  Conrad was already there when we walked inside. He was sitting in a booth with a beer in front of him. Like always, he looked like shit. But he seemed worse than usual.

  “Hey, man.” I slid into the booth and Dee moved to the spot beside me.

  “Hey.” His eyes immediately went to Dee like he hadn’t expected her to be there.

  “Is it cool that she’s here?”

  He took a long drink. “Sure.” He rested his elbows on the table and looked out the window.

  Maybe it wasn’t okay…

  Conrad turned to his menu and glanced at it before he looked away again.

  “Everything alright?”

  “I’m fine.” He was abnormally short with me. “You?”

  “Good…where’s Carrie?”

  “At home.”

  I wondered why he didn’t bring her along. They seemed to be getting serious. Anytime I saw Conrad she usually wasn’t far behind. “You guys are really hitting it off, huh?”

  “Yeah,” he said in a bored tone. “She’s pretty great.” He kept looking out the window.

  Depressed Conrad was difficult to deal with. It was so hard for me to read him.

  Dee shifted her weight like she was uncomfortable. She must have picked up on the hostility too.

  “So, why did you want to hang out tonight?” I asked.

  He shrugged and didn’t say anything at all.

  Okay, there was definitely something wrong.

  Dee knew she wasn’t welcome. “Theo, I’m going to head back to my place. I just remembered I forgot to put my dog out.” She didn’t have a dog so I knew what she was really telling me.

  I didn’t object because it was clear Conrad didn’t want her there. “You want me to walk you?”

  She released a sarcastic laugh. “Good
one, Theo.” She walked off without saying goodbye to Conrad.

  Conrad continued to rest his elbows on the table with a sour look on his face.

  “You didn’t need to be rude like that.” I didn’t mean to attack him but Dee was my new girlfriend and I wanted her to stick around. I always made Conrad’s girls feel comfortable even if I had a problem with them.

  “You didn’t have to bring her along. I asked you to get a drink with me, not her.”

  “What does it matter?” I snapped. “If I brought Slade you wouldn’t have said anything.”

  “Actually, I would. I asked you to come down—no one else.”

  The stars were finally aligning. He wanted me here alone because he needed to talk—about whatever was bothering him. Conrad hadn’t opened up much. In the beginning he was in denial. And when he finally allowed himself to feel he shut out the world. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that.” I backpedaled so he would still confide in me.

  Conrad sipped his beer and looked out the window again.

  “So, what’s up? Everything okay with Carrie?”

  “Carrie’s great. I like her.”

  I liked her too. She was laid-back and mellow, and she matched Conrad’s personality. The fact he was in a relationship with this girl and not fucking around was a good sign. He’d definitely improved after she came into the picture. “Anything else on your mind?”

  Conrad clenched his jaw like his following words were extremely irritating. “I ran into Lexie.”

  My heart stopped beating—actually stopped. The bar suddenly fell silent as I processed his words. I even felt a little dizzy. I never expected him to run into her. They lived in the same city, but the population was over seven million. The odds of crossing paths with her were really low. “Where?” It was the first question that came to mind.

  “At a restaurant. She was on a date.” There was bitterness in his voice. “And I was with Carrie.”

  I could only imagine how awkward that was. “What happened?”

  “She and I stared at each other. Then Carrie and I left.”

  It sounded as painless as possible. “It could have been worse.”

  “Then she came to my office the other day…”

  My heart picked up again. “What did she say?”

  “That she regrets leaving me.” Conrad wasn’t happy with that news like I thought he would be. In fact, he seemed more pissed off. “She said she left me a note, which I conveniently never received. Inside she explained that she left me because her parents got a divorce and she was just scared…” He clenched his jaw again. “The stupidest fucking excuse I’ve ever heard.” His voice went from docile to hostile in just a second. “How dare she compared me to all those jackasses out there? When have I ever given her the impression that I was anything less than loyal to her?” He breathed hard like he was fighting the urge to scream.

  “You’re right.” Agreeing with him was smart. “That doesn’t justify what she did.”

  “It’s been four months, Theo. She really thought I would sweep all of that under the rug?” He shook his head. “How pathetic does she think I am?”

  I nodded in agreement. “Then what happened?”

  “I told her I didn’t love her anymore and I never would. Then I kicked her out of my office.”

  There was only one flaw in his sentence. He did love her. I could tell he did. He never would have called me to talk about this incident unless it was eating him alive. He wouldn’t have had two different kinds of breakdowns in the last four months if he wasn’t head-over-heels and madly in love with her. And he wouldn’t be so angry right now if he really were over what happened. “How do you feel?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you feel better?”

  “No.” His voice came out cold. “I wish she’d been cheating on me and left me for someone else. At least that would make sense. But what she did…is so damn stupid. She really left me because of that? And she really thinks I’ll take her back after all this time? Fuck her.”

  I stared at him and didn’t touch my beer.

  “I hate her,” he said under his breath. “I really hate her.”

  I didn’t believe that, even for a second.

  He shook his head. “I got down on one knee and pledged my life to her…and she said no.” He took another deep breath to remain calm. “Because she thought I would cheat on her and leave her…stupidest reason I’ve ever heard.”

  “It is stupid.” That definitely wasn’t grounds to leave someone, especially Conrad. He was the best guy I knew. He was loyal and honest—to the bone.

  “Don’t tell anyone,” Conrad said. “I don’t want anyone to know what happened.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just don’t. People will ask me questions and look at me like I’m a time bomb again.”

  He was a time bomb. “Does Carrie know?”

  “No.”

  “Are you going to tell her?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  I was surprised he didn’t plan on it. It seemed like they had a good type of relationship. Or maybe he was afraid she would get jealous. I really didn’t know because I didn’t know Carrie well enough.

  “I told her I never wanted to see her again. And I hope she believed me.”

  “I’m sure she’ll leave you alone, Conrad. She should respect that after the way she hurt you.” I felt bad for her that she left him because of her own insecurities. A part of me pitied her. But I still hated her for the way she hurt Conrad. But at the same time, I was the one who took the note she left for him. Maybe if he had gotten it, things would have been different. Maybe he would have forgiven her and they might have gotten back together. Instead of being bitter and angry, Conrad might have been happy.

  But I ruined that.

  Should I tell him? If I did, what would that achieve? Would that just make him hate all of us again? Would it really make a difference? What was done was done, and the past was in the past.

  “Carrie is the best thing for me,” he said. “I’m going to marry her.”

  Whoa…what did he just say? I must not have heard him right. “Excuse me?”

  “I said I’m going to marry Carrie. Not tomorrow, but eventually.”

  What was I missing? “Didn’t you just start dating her?”

  “Yeah, but she’s the one.”

  “The one?” I asked incredulously. “Conrad, you hardly know her.”

  “I know her well enough.” He grew defensive. “She and I are the same. She lost someone she loved and I lost someone. Our relationship is one of friendship and convenience. She’ll give me children and be the stay-at-home mom that I want.”

  “And what do you get out of this?”

  “A painless relationship.” He took a long drink.

  Just when I thought he was getting better he got worse. “Conrad…that’s not how it works. Take some time for yourself, and when you feel better find the woman you love. Don’t settle for someone just because she seems harmless.”

  “Why don’t you just stay out of my business?” he barked.

  This conversation was going south. “I’m just looking out for you and your best interests.”

  “I can’t fall in love again. It’s impossible. And she can’t either because her husband died. It’s perfect for us.”

  Her husband died? She was a widow? This was getting worse.

  “Maybe one day I’ll grow to love her…in a friendly way. But for now it works. We have great sex and great conversations. That’s all I need.”

  I didn’t want him to go back to Lexie, not after what she did. But I didn’t want him to settle for someone else either.

  “You won’t tell anyone?”

  “I won’t tell anyone about Lexie.”

  “I meant Carrie. Don’t tell anyone what kind of relationship we have.”

  That was something I was going to struggle with.

  “Theo?” he pressed.

  Maybe he just felt this way
now and he might change his mind. Maybe Carrie said she would settle for a loveless relationship but that could change. Maybe I needed to let this play out until Conrad got better. “No, I won’t tell anyone.”

  Chapter Nine

  Beatrice

  Jared was officially my boyfriend but nothing juicy had happened.

  It was like he took ten steps back even though we’d been dancing around our relationship for over a year.

  God, it was annoying.

  He was scared, and I understood that. He didn’t trust himself even though he was the most trustworthy guy on the planet. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would always be faithful to me, that he wouldn’t even want anyone else but me.

  I just wish he had the same faith in himself.

  I texted him one evening and invited him over.

  Dinner? I’m making chicken masala.

  He immediately texted back, like he’d been waiting by the phone all evening. I love food.

  Then come over here.

  When?

  Thirty minutes? There wouldn’t be any food but he didn’t need to know that.

  I’ll pick up some wine on the way.

  Okay. I tossed my phone aside then began my preparations. I displayed dozens of white candles around the apartment and lit them. They were unscented so the smell wouldn’t cloud the apartment. Then I went through the lingerie I bought that afternoon. There was a black ensemble I found particularly sexy. It was made of lace and made my tits look perkier than they really were. There were black stockings on my legs along with shiny heels.

  I hadn’t had sex with anyone but Conrad, so the idea of being with someone new was a little disconcerting. Conrad was the only man I’d ever been with, so naturally I would compare him to Jared. But that didn’t make me feel nervous. Jared wasn’t just my boyfriend or someone I cared about. He was the man I’d fallen in love with for the past year. He changed me in every good way imaginable. He made me drop my armor and loosen up. Instead of being stiff and prissy I was relaxed and fun. And he made me so happy.

  He was the one I wanted.

  Sometimes I daydreamed about being something more than boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagined us being married and running our wine bar together. I pictured us on our honeymoon in Italy, drinking wine and basking in the sun. Our relationship had only just begun but I didn’t need more time to figure out where it was going.