by Tanya South
“Natasha, I would never ever think that you went through anything like me. Oh, my word. You are like me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” She cried some more.
I wondered at this very fragile moment what she had been thanking me about.
“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me for judging you. I’m thanking you for sharing this with me because I always thought something was wrong with me. I thought, throughout all of these years, I didn’t deserve to be loved.”
As we hugged each other, I felt a warm feeling. I believed that this could be the beginning of healing, not just for me, but for Mia, as well.
“Natasha, your cousin who did that to you is definitely a monster. What ever happened to him?” Mia asked.
“I haven’t seen him in years. Oddly enough, my aunt and uncle say they are kind of estranged from him. They don’t really say why. And I don’t ask because I never want to see him ever again. I’ve asked God to forgive me, but I’ve even wished for him to disappear forever.”
“What about God? How does he fit into all of this?”
“God has always been with me,” I replied. “I know you probably think I’m crazy, but I feel like I was supposed to go through what I did. I should be six feet under, yet here I stand with you. I’m alive. You’re alive. We’re alive for a reason. You and I tried to take our lives. But we survived. Mia, I wish I knew all of the answers to your questions, but all I have left is my faith. The devil can try to take all else, but I will fight for my faith.”
“Wow. I want that, too.”
“Mia, can I ask you a big favor?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Please do not ever repeat what I just told you. My parents can never find out this. It will break their hearts.”
“You have my word, Natasha.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
COMING TO LIGHT
1 JOHN 4:15
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.
The sound of the alarm bell filled the halls. The loud commotion a few doors down from me in the rehabilitation center had been disturbing. I stepped out to see what was going on. There were other girls there, too. I didn’t see Mia. Immediately, I thought it might have involved her. A troubled girl I’d see quite often wasn’t there, either. I could hear one of the other girls crying. The counselor who I grew close to tried assessing the situation. Oh right, my counselor. I haven’t mentioned much about her. Everyone called her Ms. Daisha. I always remembered her name because it reminded me of daisies. I guess because part of her name looked like the word daisy. Besides, I also loved daisies, like the ones I’d often imagine in my beautiful imaginary garden. Ms. Daisha kept everything going smoothly at the center. She’d become kind of a role model for me. In the beginning, I hadn’t been absorbing the counseling much because my hurts were so deep. But the way she counseled me and the other girls was so nurturing. Let’s just say she handled us with lots of tender-loving care. Although she wasn’t a teacher, I also learned so much about the stories in the Bible from her. I found out that she was an associate pastor at her church. It made sense that she had a knack for using everyday examples that linked back to God’s Word. I had developed a close bond with her. Just as I was about to approach Ms. Daisha to ask what was going on, Detective Fitz walked in with Dad.
What is he doing here? I thought. “Is everything okay?” I asked as I hugged Dad.
“Everything is fine, Sweetheart. Detective Fitz is here to show you some more pictures.”
“Pictures? Again?” I asked.
“Yes,” the detective confirmed. “I know this process isn’t easy. But we think we are getting close to finding the people who hurt you.”
“Really?” I asked, scared.
“Yes. We have a couple of people of interest. I want to show you these pictures to see if you recognize any of them. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
Detective Fitz reached into his bag and pulled out mug shots. I looked and looked and looked. Then I gasped.
“What happened?” Dad asked excitedly.
I placed my finger on his picture. I knew who he was.
“Is that Kage, Natasha?” Detective Fitz asked.
I was trembling. “No. But I remember this guy. He’s the very first monster I encountered in that hotel room.” How could I forget this monster’s face? I thought. He had salt-pepper hair, and the small mole right above his lip.
“Are you sure?” the detective asked.
“Yes… Yes! I’m positive. I remember that mole, too. It was one of the things I remembered because his smile scared me, and all I could notice was that thing above his lip. Oh! And his hair. I remember his hair being that color, too.” I shook as I spoke.
“We are going to bring him in for questioning. But, Mr. McCarthy, would you be willing to bring your daughter to the precinct? We’ll have a lineup of more suspects.”
I looked at Dad, worried. He returned my gaze, almost like he didn’t know how to answer the detective’s question. But I made it easy for him.
“Yes, Daddy. Please take me. I want to go. I have to do this,” I said while looking at the detective.
“Are you sure, Sweetheart?” Dad asked.
“Yes, I’m positive.”
Dad hugged me tightly. “I’m so proud of you, Tasha. You’re my brave girl.”
“We are going to catch these men and put them away for a long time. I usually don’t promise families this, but I promise you, we are going to find them,” Detective Fitz said confidently.
“Thank you so much, Detective. God bless you.” Dad shook the detective’s hand.
Although it made me a little nervous, I felt confident that the detective meant what he said to me. I believed him. I didn’t want to worry about not being able to sleep at night. I worried those men would find me and take me away. I knew that if they were caught, they wouldn’t be able to hurt me or anyone else ever again. Maybe this was going to be part of the truth that also needed to be told. I read in the Bible that God told Joshua to let us know not to be afraid. I needed to build up my courage.There were loud voices talking in the hall. I overheard about one of the girls trying to hurt herself. She was rushed to the hospital. That must’ve been the commotion I wondered about earlier. My surroundings were a spiritual battle, I suppose. We were all dealing with some kind of difficulty. But I felt as though I had been getting stronger. Not so much physically. But mentally and spiritually, I was getting stronger. I had adopted a scripture that captured my heart. It was in Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” I’d whisper it under my breath each time I woke up, and I’d whisper it at night before bedtime.
After our daily group meetings with Ms. Daisha, Mia and I would get together to just talk, to share what we learned.
Later…
“Natasha, I had such a wonderful dream last night,” Mia said with a sad smile.
“What was your dream about?” I asked.
“I dreamed that I was in our apartment, the one I lived in with Junior. He woke me up and kissed me on my forehead. He said, ‘Mia, I love you and will never leave you again.’ It felt so real.”
“Aww, Mia. I know that you miss him. Just keep praying. Never stop hoping that he’ll come back.”
“Well, funny you should say that. Can I tell you something?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Before I fell asleep last night, I did something that I hadn’t done ever in my life.”
“What’s that?”
“I prayed to God about Junior, and our baby, too,” Mia admitted.
“Oh, my goodness!” I exclaimed. “That’s great, Mia.”
“Yes. And I’m thinking maybe I dreamed about Junior because I prayed for him.”
“I’m praying for you, too, Mia.”
“After our talk last night, I prayed for you, too, Natasha. You are so strong. I want to be strong like you.”
“Bu
t, Mia, you are strong. You’re stronger than you know,” I said. “Do you mind me asking? But how did you and Junior meet anyway?”
It looked like I caught her off guard with my question.
“Oh wow. How did I meet him? It’s complicated.” Mia looked pensive.
“I’m used to complicated,” I said as I laughed.Mia laughed, as well. “I met him at a lounge,” she said, embarrassed.
“A lounge? What kind of lounge? I thought you met him when you were eighteen?”
“Well, it was kind of a bar and dance place. I’ve been around, Natasha. Remember, I didn’t have parents like you have. I had a fake identification card. In fact, I still have it. And I do look older than my age.” She continued explaining. “He came right up to me. I’m not gonna lie. He intimidated me. He is a lot older too.”
“How much older?” I asked.
“He’s eight years older than me. So at the time I met him, he was twenty-six years old.”
“Oh wow.”
“He was with a friend of his. I opened up to him that night and told him pretty much everything about myself. He had a charm about him that made me feel comfortable enough to do that. He offered me a job, too.”
“What kind of job?”
“Let’s just say I had to keep lonely people company.”
I looked perplexed. “Keep people company? Like old people at a home or something?”
“Please don’t judge me. It was harmless. I kept guys company. I kept girls company. Junior gave me a place to live. He bought me new clothes and shoes. He saved my life.”
“Mia, I still don’t understand what kind of job you’re talking about,” I said, concerned.
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” she said evasively. “Just trust me when I tell you that Junior was good to me. He is all that I have.”
Lord knows all the troubles I’ve had. I had to take away the judgement glasses off. I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. I didn’t know Junior. If he made her happy, I guess that’s what mattered. I needed to show her my support. Before going to bed that night, I prayed to God to show her the way. But something deep down inside gnawed at me about her story. It just didn’t feel right at all. I needed to dig deeper.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
THORN IN MY SIDE
2 CORINTHIANS 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
The little girl ran fast across the acres of rich, green land. Her hair was long and black. Then I remembered who the little girl was; it was Mia I had been chasing.
I called out for her while running, yelling, “Mia! It’s me, Natasha. Mia! Wait!”
But she wouldn’t stop. Behind me I could hear the familiar voice of the enemy. It was my original monster.
Repeatedly, he called out in his sinister voice, “Come here, my Pretty Flowers.”
I wondered why he referred to both of us as his flowers. I needed to burst out of this nightmare. “God, please help me! I need to know what’s going on,” I cried out to the Lord. Somehow I knew God was there, but He was silent.
“Natasha, you’re such a pretty flower. I’ve missed seeing you,” the monster said.
I screamed out loud, “Leave me alone! You’re not real! You’re not really here! What do you want from me?”
“Natasha…? Natasha. It’s me, Ms. Daisha.”
“Ms. Daisha. Oh, thank God it’s you.” I hugged her.
“Hey, hey, you’re safe, Darling. I came in to check up on you. It’s not like you to be late or miss one of our group sessions.”
“Oh no. What time is it? Did I miss group?”
“No, Love,” Ms. Daisha assured me. “It’s only nine fifteen. I was going to have one of the other girls check up on you. But after yesterday’s incident, I wanted to come and check on you myself.”
“My alarm clock didn’t go off. I’m so sorry. I’ll get ready quickly and be right there.”
“Natasha, I want to tell you that you’ve come a long way since you’ve been here. If there’s anything you’d like to talk about, you know that I’m here for you.”
“Yes, I know. Thank you, Ms. Daisha. I appreciate you.”
Ms. Daisha hugged me. “Okay, so I’ll see you in a few minutes?”
“Yes.” I smiled.
I couldn’t wait to meet with Mia later on. I wanted to pick her brain.
The day seemed to whiz by. The group session was really good, too. Ms. Daisha said because of how well I’ve progressed, they were going to discharge me soon. I didn’t want to be discharged. Even though I was happy about how well I had been doing. I felt respected and needed among the other girls there. I felt for the first time in a long time that I had a purpose. Ms. Daisha said it would be about two weeks before I would be released to go home. I didn’t know how Mia was going to feel about that. We’d grown a close friendship and I felt like I’d be abandoning her. I needed to tell her first before she found out from someone else.
Early evening arrived…
“Hey, Natasha, guess what?” Mia asked with a bright smile.
“I’m guessing by the look on your face that you prayed again,” I said with doubt.
Mia just laughed. “Actually, yes, I did pray again. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”
“Oh, what is it?”
“I had a sonogram done today. I am twenty weeks along and it was just a routine monthly checkup. But the doctor said I could find out the sex of my baby.”
“Really!” I said excitedly.
“I’m having a boy!” she screamed happily.
I screamed, too, as we hugged each other tightly. “Oh, Mia, I’m so happy for you. You said you wanted a boy.”
“I know. I mean, I’m happy of course that the baby is looking healthy, but I really wanted a boy. Oh, if only Junior were here,” Mia said while rubbing her belly.
“Do you have any names in mind?” I asked.
“I have a few in mind but not sure which one to pick.”
“I’m so excited for you.”
Mia’s face quickly changed.
“What’s the matter?” I asked her.
“I don’t really have anywhere to go,” she answered somberly.
“What do you mean?”
“I have no idea where I’m going to live, Natasha. I lost the apartment. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, before Junior disappeared, he had me stop working. Then he never came back home. I had no means of supporting myself. Then I tried to hurt myself. And now here I am.”
“What does Ms. Daisha say? I mean, I can ask my parents if you could stay with us until you get on your feet. As a matter of fact, I wanted to talk with you about what’s going on with me, too.”
Mia looked at me, alarmed. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“Well, yes. But it’s nothing bad. Ms. Daisha told me they’re releasing me in about two weeks.”
“Two weeks? Ms. Daisha spoke with me earlier, too. She also told me that I was going to be released in about two weeks also. She’s looking for a family who can sponsor me, until I can get some work.”
“My mom will be here early in the morning. I’ll talk with her and let you know.”
“You’re the best. Thank you so much for trying to help me, Natasha. I’ve never had any real friends, I mean, except Junior.”
“I’ll do my best, Mia.”
“Hey, Natasha, I’m sorry to bring your cousin up. And I know you haven’t seen him in a long time. But what would you do if you ever saw him again?”
“What kind of question is that, Mia?” I snapped. “First of all, I’m never going to see him again, not if I can help it. I’ll never forgive him, either, for ruining my life. Like I told you before, I prayed that he’d disappear forever.”
“Do you mean that you prayed he’d die?” Mia asked.
“Um… Well…” I cou
ldn’t get the words out. “I didn’t say die. I just said disappear. You know what, Mia? I really don’t want to talk about this or him anymore. Okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
I caught myself being impatient and immediately felt remorseful for taking it out on her. “No, I’m sorry, Mia. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. I want you to be able to ask me anything.”
Mia grinned. “You know, Natasha, you’re a very special young lady. You’re so mature for you age. And believe it or not, you’ve helped me more than you know.”
“Aww, Mia, you’ve helped me, too.”
The phone rang at that very moment. It was Mom.
“Sweetheart, we’ll be picking you up early tomorrow morning. Detective Fitz is going to have the lineup.”
I panicked. “That’s tomorrow?”
“Yes,” Mom said. “Why? Are you not ready?”
“I’m ready, Mom. I just want to get it over with.”
“Okay, my Love. Dad and I will see you in the morning.”
“Okay, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Honey.”
I hung the phone up.
“What’s going on?” Mia asked.
“Tomorrow I have to go see a police lineup of suspects in my case.”
“You must be nervous.”
“I am,” I admitted. “But I have to do it. I’ll be okay.”
That night after I prayed, my mind wouldn’t stop. I’d wished Mia didn’t bring up Joe. But I didn’t blame her. I chose to share my secret with her. It’s only natural for her curiosity. But it had opened up a can of memories of him and the pain he inflicted on me. It made me wonder where he’d gone and if he’d ever come back. I couldn’t bear to ever face him again. I had nothing but pure hate in my heart for him. I felt so much progress, yet that memory from my traumatic past was a thorn in my side. I prayed to God… If only He could erase my past memories.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
LOST GIRL
LUKE 15:3–6
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’
