Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  Typically, Kate was the latter, sure that if she had to play “Sleigh Ride” one more time she would take out the percussion section with a well-placed launch of her bow. Today, though, as she walked through the bustling streets full of cheerful smiles, Christmas music flowing from each shop, she found herself leaning the other way. She had been given a huge hug from her son that morning, Santa was coming soon, Vivian had smiled at her before she left as though Kate was her world. She didn’t have much to complain about, not today anyway. She was smiling as she skipped over a large block of snow that had hardened on the curb of Adams Street and pulled open the stage door.

  John was the first one to see her enter. “How many now?”

  “Twelve and one.”

  “Yes!” A boyish grin broke across his face that made his blue eyes sparkle. At this point, Kate thought that he was just as excited as she was. He pulled her into a back-popping hug.

  “I’m so excited, John, I can’t even... I’m just so, so excited.”

  He transferred her to under his arm, chuckling. “I’ve got to admit, I wish I could be there. Have you thought about videotaping her response? You know, for the concerned citizens.”

  “For science, right?” Kate grinned happily back at him.

  “Exactly. For science.”

  “I did.” She made a face, twisting her lip so she could worry it a little. “I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid, but I kind of want her response just for me, you know? And Jacqueline, I mean. And Charlie. And Max.”

  He shook his head, still chuckling. “It’s romantic as hell, Kate. Like something out of a movie.”

  Kate grinned, tickled.

  The smile stayed on John’s face, but it took on a sudden plastic quality that alarmed Kate just a bit. “And, uh, any decision about…”

  The smile dropped from her face like a stone. “No, not yet. I told myself that I wouldn’t even think about it until after Christmas.”

  “Right, yeah.” He shuffled awkwardly, as a strange, depressed tension developed between them. “That’s probably smart.” They had become fast friends, and Kate thought that they would miss one another when, if, she left.

  The uncomfortable silence remained for a moment longer before John grinned again, changing the subject back to happier things. “I just wish I could be there.”

  “Well, well, well. Aren’t you two all cozy ‘n’ shit.” Ash, the chamber group’s bassist and Kate’s ex, declared, just then coming through the stage door.

  “Have you heard about this Christmas gift that she’s getting Vivian, man?” John asked.

  “Vivian? Since when is it fuckin’ Vivian, Hart? You two buddies now?”

  John just shrugged. “It’s a pretty cool gift, friend.”

  Kate’s ex hesitated, dropping her bag and pulling her tube hat off. She looked like she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, her eyes moving unwillingly from Kate’s face to John’s, to the arm John had over Kate’s shoulder.

  Normally Kate did her best to avoid Ash, fully aware that she still watched her every move when they were in the same room. That made her nervous, worried that Ash’s drama would one day rear its ugly head again. Today, however, she really was in a good mood, so she smiled at Ash, honestly not minding if she joined them.

  Ash frowned when she saw that, but allowed herself to be pulled into the conversation. “What is it, Flynn? A new cuddly teddy? Did you get her a ring so you two can have very, very scaly children together? God, that would so be fuckin’ Crocodile to be sure you told me that you put a ring on it. Fuckin’—”

  “Whoa, friend. Calm.” John’s eyes were wide. He was clearly as disturbed by her rant as Kate was.

  “Vivian’s not even here. How can you still blame her for stuff?” Kate asked.

  A sour look crossed Ash’s face, but before she could speak John cut her off.

  “Have you heard of a cochlear implant?”

  “No.” Ash admitted after a moment of glaring. “What’s up with that?”

  “It’s a device that’s implanted in the skull that allows a deaf person to hear.” A shiver of smugness ran through her at the impressed look on Ash’s face.

  “Wait, wait, I thought you were all ‘Yay, deaf people!’” Ash cried in a mocking falsetto that grated against Kate’s nerves, wiping away any residual smugness. Ash tweaked her nose with her thumb, her own cocky grin building. “Right, Katie?”

  Kate’s back stiffened in defiance. “It’s not about that. It’s about helping her life be a little easier.”

  “Don’t be a dick, man,” John added.

  Ash pulled in a deep breath. “Whatever. That fuckin’ sucks. We’re done for if the Crocodile can hear.”

  John burst into laughter, ignoring the snide quality to Ash’s voice. “Right? That’s what I said. We all sure as hell better start sounding better.”

  The hall was much louder than normal when Kate stepped on stage. The house was filled with giggling, screaming children and grandmothers yelling at them over the squeal of their hearing aids. Still, Kate smiled, the warmth of Christmas spirit acting like a shield from the negativity.

  As a matter of fact, all the musicians held small smiles as they performed, and little child voices rose above the crowd to sing along. A few kids ran out into the aisles to shake their little bodies and spin, excited for Santa’s visit the following day. They all seemed to enjoy themselves, and when it was time for “Sleigh Ride,” the final piece, even Kate didn’t mind.

  “You know, I normally would have hated that concert but that was a lot of fun.” Kate smiled as she packed up her music from the stand.

  “I dunno, Flynn,” Ash said coldly, “not everyone is as fuckin’ happy-la-la as you are today.”

  Before she knew what she was doing, Kate was pulling Ash into a quick friendly hug, pecking her cheek. “I’m sorry you’re unhappy, Ash.”

  Ash blinked, confused, and shrugged away.

  “What?” Kate laughed. “It’s the holiday spirit or something! Would you rather I wallow in your misery?”

  “Don’t you?” Ash muttered, her eyes cutting away resentfully.

  Kate frowned and went to respond, but at that moment John cried over to her, making her jump.

  “My, my, you clean up well, kid!”

  Kate glanced around. There, approaching the edge of the stage, was her son, his hair slicked down so his goofy little ears stuck straight out from the sides of his head. He looked very dapper in a brand new black suit and pants, a Christmas-red shirt underneath a festively green tie.

  Kate dropped to her knees and clutched at her chest. “Oh my god, Max! You’re so cute. You’ve killed me! You’ve killed me with your cuteness.”

  “Mooooom, you’re so silly!” Max giggled.

  Vivian approached behind him. Her eyes were glued to Ash, blank and cold, apparently not fond of Kate kissing Ash’s cheek.

  Kate’s hands fell to her sides as though the “off” button to her brain had been hit, a bit awestruck.

  Vivian was still coming up the aisle towards her, the glare being replaced by a bright and warm smile as she laughed, her hips swaying, grinning with pride.

  She was beautiful, and the way she was looking at her son, it only made her all the more striking.

  “What are you guys doing here?” Kate asked, pulling herself back to her feet.

  “We heard you play!” Max cheered.

  “You did?” she gasped, knowing she was being overly silly.

  “We did,” Vivian said in her best smooth voice.

  “Did you like it?”

  Max happily nodded, accepting a shoulder pat from John, then began to dance in place, singing his favorite carol.

  “We thought,” Vivian stepped up the stairs to lean in close, “that maybe you would want to get some hot chocolate and look at the Christmas displays.” She said it with a smirk, her voice lilting and teasing as though she had already been forced to listen to Max’s lecture on why the displays were the “coolest thing ever.”


  Kate smiled, pleasantly surprised as Vivian’s hand snaked into her own, giving it a small squeeze. “Are you kidding? I would love to get hot chocolate and look at the displays.”

  “John?” Vivian turned to him, nothing but kindness on her face. A kindness that was normally hidden from anyone but her most intimate of friends.

  “Charlie?” he asked hopefully.

  “Not joining us until later in the evening, I’m afraid.” Vivian’s nose twitched, hiding a smile.

  John grinned and gave a shy shrug of disappointment. “In that case, then, I think I’ll have to pass. Enjoy your family time, though.”

  The trio walked for hours, hand in hand in hand, sipping at the Styrofoam cups of hot chocolate they got from a merry street vendor. The drink was powdery and the displays were a little wilted by the heavy snow, but it didn’t matter. They were all in their own personal heaven, so happy to be there together.

  No one wanted to go home despite their frozen noses and fingers, but eventually they had no choice since Santa’s cookies had to be made.

  No one was surprised to see Charlie in the downstairs living room of the loft, reading a book while she waited for them.

  “Hi, Charlie!” Max grinned and waved happily. “You ready to make cookies?”

  Charlie smiled and grabbed at him, tickling his sides until she squealed, “Am I ready? How can I be ready, look at you in your tie! Who put you in a freakin’ tie? I need to take a bite out of you!”

  He flailed and screamed as she pretended to gobble at his neck, loving every second of it.

  “That suit, Vivian...” Kate ran her hands through her hair.

  “Isn’t he the most handsome thing?” Vivian beamed, picking up the jacket he had tossed on the floor and moving to hang it in the closet.

  “Yeah, but...” She didn’t want to ask how much, not today, but the thought had occurred to her on their walk back to the loft. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted to know how much. If she wasn’t careful, it would burn a hole in her stomach.

  Charlie finally set Max back on his feet and, with a pat of his butt, told him to change into something he could bake in.

  “Hang that suit up!” Vivian called, making him run back for the hanger before she headed to change herself, leaving Kate still standing there worrying about the price.

  It felt like it was only minutes later that flour and sugar coated all the counters as well as the floor. A large mop of white stood next to Kate grinning toothily, very satisfied with himself. Kate didn’t even know how he had managed to make the mess, let alone how he had covered her and Charlie in it while somehow also completely avoiding Vivian.

  “Okay, Max, come get the eggs,” Vivian called, her eyes sparkling as Max beamed at her.

  That smile was one of Kate’s favorites. It was as though Vivian never took a single one of Max’s smiles for granted.

  “Okay!” He hopped up on the footstool and very carefully took the first egg from her hand.

  “Do you remember how I showed you? Gentle.”

  He nodded and forcefully cracked the egg on the side of the bowl. The egg exploded in his fist, showering everything within a one-foot radius with yolk.

  Vivian froze, stunned as a bit of raw egg dripped from her cheek, but Charlie and Kate, who were still trying to get flour out of their hair, fell together as they roared with laughter.

  “You two!” Vivian pointed, all at once their boss again. “Quiet!”

  They only laughed louder, Charlie cuddling in close to bury her face in Kate’s neck.

  Max’s stunned little face turned to Vivian, a bit of egg dripped from his hair, turning the flour into paste. “I’m sorry, Viv’n,” he mumbled, his bottom lip trembling.

  Vivian cleared her throat, trying to morph her face back into a less startled expression. “It’s all right, Max. Should we try that again?” she asked, wiping a bit of egg out of her hair and then gently cupping his cheek in reassurance.

  Max fulfilled each task with the most delicate and nimble of fingers after that, singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” under his breath as he worked.

  Kate loved his little singing voice. She knew Vivian would, too, if she could hear it.

  Sadness crashed around her as it always did when she remembered the things Vivian was missing out on. This time, though, she was only sad for a moment before she did an involuntary jig, realizing that thirteen days from then she wouldn’t be missing out, not anymore.

  “Uh, you all right there, Kate?” Charlie mused.

  Kate flushed, realizing that the little dance hadn’t just been in her head. Still, she couldn’t hold in her grin. “Yeah, totally. Tomorrow is Christmas.”

  “Uh-huh. Okay, Crazy Pants, come help me.”

  Kate and Charlie had created a decorating station on the far side of the kitchen island, with sprinkles, frosting, and a few Red Hots. Kate saw Max eyeing the frosting and immediately turned him away. “Uh-uh, mister.”

  “But the cookies!”

  “The frosting will just melt! You can’t decorate them yet.”

  “Put it in the ‘frigerator! Then it won’t melt!”

  “Maybe you and Charlie should go out to the patio.” Vivian offered with an overly polite smile. “You haven’t showed her your super-fast curveball yet.”

  Charlie glared at her best friend, but there was no denying those squeals of excitement from Max. Throwing on their winter coats and gloves, Charlie still dusting flour from her hair, the pair headed out into the snow.

  “Smooth one.” Kate wrapped her arms around Vivian. They shared a laugh as Max nailed Charlie in the side of the head with a huge snowball. “Ten bucks on the kid.”

  “No way!” Vivian sighed, her hands coming to rest on the back of Kate’s neck. “Charlie has a competitive streak.”

  “You’re on, lady.”

  A bath/shower and a warm blanket waited for the two as they stomped in, trailing snowy footprints behind them. Vivian trailed behind them with a mop and a scowl. Kate whooped and cheered victoriously as a soaked Charlie glared at them, looking scornful as her teeth chattered, while Max giggled, his hair damp and his cheeks rosy.

  “So, what do I win?” Kate asked Vivian.

  Vivian just glared and handed her the mop in a silent command.

  “This prize sucks!” she called to Vivian’s retreating back.

  Finally, Max was in his pajamas, his hair sticking up everywhere from his bath, and Charlie was comfortable and warm in a pair of Vivian’s jeans and a sweater. Together they settled around the kitchen island to frost the cookies. The news was on in the background, with the local anchors reporting sightings of Santa’s sleigh in various locations around the world.

  “Max, it’s all right. Relax, you have time.” Vivian tried to soothe as Max’s forehead scrunched in desperation to get the cookies done as soon as possible.

  “It’s important to be in bed, Viv’n!” Max had insisted in his best no-nonsense voice, constantly looking back at the TV to be sure they weren’t reporting sightings in the Loop.

  “I don’t know, kid. It seems like he’s getting pretty close,” Kate said.

  Max’s eyes grew wide, a fat tube of frosting in his hands. “But I haven’t finished his cookies!”

  Vivian sent Kate a slightly amused glare and rubbed his back. “I think you have plenty of time. Don’t listen to your mother. They last said England, that’s nearly four thousand miles away.”

  Still, Max concentrated extra hard as he painted frosting onto the cookie Santas, candy canes, and ornaments.

  “Candy canes aren’t supposed to be red and blue!” Charlie teased, dipping her finger into the frosting bowl and giving it a lick.

  “Yeah-huh! ‘Cause it’s my favorite and that makes it extra yummy for Santa!”

  Kate wrapped her arms around him and kissed his ear. “I think you’re right. Santa will love your cookies.”

  Smiling, Vivian kissed his other ear and asked if he was done.

&
nbsp; He studied the cookies intensely. “Do you think he will like them? Do you think he’ll think they’re the bestest?”

  Vivian ran her hand affectionately through his hair, making it stand at even more of an angle. “I know he will think they are the best cookies of all of his stops over the entire planet because they are extra special Max cookies.”

  Max beamed as a flash made them all look up. Charlie was grinning at the three, phone still in her hand. “Oops,” she said it with a shrug as though not sorry at all for having been caught.

  Kate didn’t mind. As a matter of fact, she gave her a pointed look and Charlie nodded, sending the photo to her.

  “Take anover one!” Max cried. “Charlieeeee! Take anover one!”

  “Okay, okay, okay.”

  They smiled as the photo was taken, Kate and Vivian nearly cheek to cheek, with Max giving his toothiest grin to the phone.

  “Good!” Max hopped down from his stool to grab a plate.

  In her pocket, Kate’s phone chimed. She looked down at the photo. It made a happy warmth bubble in her stomach. With Max pressed between them, they looked like… like a family. She saved the photo to the background of her phone and slid it back into her pocket.

  “So what now?” Vivian asked, looking around the kitchen.

  “Well.” Kate let her hand run affectionately over the small of Vivian’s back as she pulled out a glass. “We pour the milk.”

  “I see.”

  Max carefully chose the cookies he deemed “the bestest of the bestest” and scattered them haphazardly on the plate. Crumbs flew, and Kate knew Vivian would be there with a broom as soon as Max was squared away and in bed.

  “Right.” Vivian uncertainly took the glass she was handed and followed as Max and Kate marched from the kitchen.