Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  “Neither, I’m craving wings. We could go to Chiefs or Wild Wings? We don’t have to change to go there,” she suggests.

  “Wings? Really?” I’m shocked. She never wants to go out for wings. That’s shit I do with my friends.

  “Is that okay? I thought you’d like the idea.” She looks disappointed, like I just kicked her kitten.

  “No, baby, I do. I just didn’t think you liked wings. I want to get something you want.”

  “I know, but I’ve been craving them all day.” She’s almost whining and I can’t help but think it’s adorable.

  “Wings it is, but not Chiefs, Wild Wings.” I figure Topher and the guys from work will be at Chiefs, and I didn’t want Annie to feel obligated to hang out with them. Wild Wings is safe. My friends don’t do the downtown scene.

  Dinner is good. I can’t believe how much Annie ate. She’s normally a light weight when it comes to food consumption, but she ate all eight of her wings and ordered eight more, which she inhaled like it was her first meal in months. I laugh at her. Luckily for her, she’s so thin that people don’t think twice about what she eats. They’re just jealous she can do it.

  After dinner, we walk around downtown for a little while, holding hands before we wind up back at the truck. We’re parked at the top of a parking garage and it’s a really pretty night; you can see stars for miles. “You wanna lay in the back of the Yota and star gaze?” I ask her, looking for any reason to be close to her. She nods and I let down the tailgate to help her up into the bed. On our backs, we stare at the stars and talk, not about anything in particular. We just enjoy being together, just like we should have been doing for weeks, the weeks that I pushed her out.

  With her head on my shoulder and hand on my stomach, she looks up at me and says, “I’ve missed you, Gray.” Then she looks back down as if she’s just made a confession that might send me running if we make eye contact. The realization that I’ve made her feel that insecurity, and that I put that fear in her that she never had before, makes me feel like an ass.

  Lifting her chin up, she closes her eyes so I can’t see her struggle to fight back tears. “Sweetheart, open your eyes and look at me.” Shaking her head she tries to look back down. Bless her heart. She hates crying, but really hates crying in front of anyone, especially me. I let her have this one and wrap my arms around her. “I’m sorry. I’ve been an ass, Annie. I know that. I don’t want to try to give you excuses. I promise I’ll do better.”

  She doesn’t say anything; not a muscle in her body moves. I think even her heart has quit beating, waiting on me to finish what I’m saying. I squeeze her, kissing the top of her head, and she lets out the breath she’s been holding. Sitting up, I look at her tear-stained face. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  Things seem to right themselves over the next few days and weeks, but there’s still something off about Annie, and I can’t quite figure out what it is. We’ve been spending more time together, and the sex has been out of this world, but she seems really tired all the time and occasionally comes home with a glassy look in her eyes. My best guess is she is smoking pot with Jenny after school, but I still haven’t worked up the courage to ask her. I know I put her in a position that she had to deal with my shit, and drugs are her coping mechanism, but at some point, I’m going to have to say something. I just haven’t felt like I have a right to bring it up. I keep thinking if I do more of what I should’ve been doing, then it will work itself out. I just need to give it some more time.

  A week or so later, we are supposed to go out to dinner when she gets home from some new project she’s working on for Waltons. I was expecting her around six, but at eight she still hasn’t show up. Worried, I try calling her, but she doesn’t answer. I know she gets stuck unexpectedly with clients and can’t get away, so I send her a text hoping she’ll respond. She probably just hasn’t been able to answer her phone call.

  Me: Baby, r u ok?

  Several minutes go by with no response, which is really unlike her, but my phone finally buzzes.

  Annie: Yeah, I’m fine. What’s up?

  Me: Where r u? I thought we were doing dinner

  Annie: Shit, Gray, I’m sorry. I forgot. I’ll b home n 15

  Me: B careful

  Annie never forgets anything, ever. The girl has a mind like a steel trap, but I see the cause for her forgetfulness the instant she walks in the door. She is completely geeked out, and I know I can’t wait any longer to face this head on. Geezus, this is not going to go well.

  “Where’ve you been?” I try not to sound like I’m accusing her of anything, but I missed the mark with the tone of my voice.

  “What do you mean? I was at Jenny’s.” Refusing to make eye contact, I can hear the angst in her voice.

  “Annie, we had plans tonight and you didn’t show up.”

  “Gray, don’t make this into a big deal. I’m here now. Let’s go get something to eat.” Uh-uh, no way in hell is she getting off that easy.

  “Don’t make it a big deal? Annie, I’ve been sitting here for over two hours waiting on you to get home. Then you come waltzing in the door, completely fucked out of your mind, and you don’t want me to make this a big deal?” My voice is way too loud and confrontational. She’s either going to shut down completely or meet me head on in this confrontation. I’m guessing it will be the first. She never argues with me, anyone else yes, me, never.

  I’m right, she’s shutting down. Sitting down on the couch, she stares at the floor, saying nothing.

  “What are you on, Annie?” I ask.

  “Nothing,” she says quietly, never looking up.

  “Look at me and tell me that.”

  She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I want to reach out to her, to hold her, but I’m angry as hell, too. Why is she doing this shit? Her schedule isn’t so hectic that she can’t manage.

  “Say something, Annie.”

  “What do you want me to say, Gray?”

  “How long have you been doing drugs again? Is it just pot or are you back to coke, too?” I hear the sorrow in my own voice, but I’m not sure she is hearing anything other than the words and disappointment.

  “I dunno. I guess since you kept leaving me at home while you went out with your friends. I didn’t want to pester you or beg you to hang out with me. It just helps numb the rejection.” Her voice is so soft I can barely hear her, and it doesn’t help that she keeps talking to the floor. My beautiful, strong, vibrant girlfriend has been fading away because of me, wilting like a flower without water.

  “Annie, I wasn’t rejecting you. I was just spending time with my friends.”

  “I get it, Gray. I haven’t bitched at you for it or even mentioned it. I want you to be happy, even if I’m not.” It hit like a punch to the gut. She just laid it out there – my happiness is more important to her than her own, and she’s willing to punish herself to keep from saying anything to me about it.

  “If you’re not happy, Annie, why haven’t you told me?” Anger is creeping back in to my voice. I’m trying to temper it, but not doing such a hot job.

  “I didn’t want to be like Abby. I didn’t want you to leave because you thought I needed too much from you. You made it very clear what I could expect from you, and I would rather have some of you than nothing at all.” I see the tears falling silently from her eyes, streaking her reddening face.

  “Annie, you know how I feel about the drugs – ” She interrupts me, but this time she’s pissed.

  “Yeah, Gray, I know how you feel about them, but I’ve been doing them for months and you haven’t even noticed. You haven’t noticed or maybe you haven’t cared that I was sitting at home always waiting on you after you begged me to change my life. I changed my work situation, am taking fewer course hours, and for what? To sit here while you are out drinking with your friends, picking girls up in bars? Don’t think I don’t know, Gray. I’m not an idiot. Just because I choose not to fight about it, doesn’t mean that I’m not wel
l aware of what you guys do when you go out. Yes, you come home to me every night, but for what? To fuck me? You sure as hell aren’t making love to me when you come in half-lit. And why is it okay for you to get hammered every night with your buddies, but not okay for me to do my thing? Geezus, Gray, relationships are two-way streets. I’ve put almost two years into this one, and we are no closer than we were when we met. I’m just your beck-and-call girl who’s here when you need me and gone when you don’t. You use your divorce as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length, but you know that every ounce of my being is devoted to you.” She’s not yelling, but her voice is stern and it’s a side of her I have never seen. I don’t know if it’s the coke or how she truly feels, probably some of both.

  “Annie…”

  “Stop fucking calling me, Annie! Are you trying to make me mad? You don’t call me Annie unless you are trying to piss me off, and right now, I don’t need that. I need something closer to love. Look, I can’t do this right now. My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour, and the madder I get, the worse it feels. Coke and anger don’t mix well together.” She stands up to leave the room, to escape me, but I step in front of her.

  “Baby, you know I love you.” I want to reassure her, but I don’t know that I can. This is a version of her I don’t know. I’m thinking I’ve kicked her one too many times, taken advantage of how much she loves me. She doesn’t acknowledge me, just steps around me to go to the bathroom. I hear her turn on the water in the bathtub and know she’s going to be a while. I leave her a note on the counter informing her I’ve gone to Topher’s for a while, but will be back later.

  I call Topher when I get in the truck and luckily he’s at home. He’s cool with me coming over, asking if I’m okay. I told him I would be, but Annie and I had our first fight and I feel like shit. When I get to his house, he hands me a beer. “Haven’t you guys been together, like, two years, man?” he asks.

  “Yeah, coming up on it. Why?”

  “That’s a long time to go without having a fight,” he sounds kind of amazed. I have never really thought about it, but he’s right. Annie and I never fight… about anything. She has her own life, I have mine, and we’re just happy to be together. At least, I thought we were, but I guess that is because I’m getting what I want at her expense.

  “Yeah, but I think she’s just been holding back how she feels. She came home completely messed up tonight. She knows I hate that shit, but she’s been doing it again anyhow.”

  “Did she tell you why?”

  “To numb the loneliness.”

  “You mean after you asked her to stop working so much, stop spending so much time on school work, only to leave her at home while you went out every night of the week?” He’s such a smart ass. Fuck him.

  “If you saw it, why the fuck didn’t you say anything?” I’m practically growling at him. He’s my best fucking friend. Why hasn’t he hit me upside the head?

  “Not my place. She’s a good girl, Gray, but if you don’t want to be tied down, it doesn’t matter how perfect she is, you’re going to fuck it up.”

  “That’s just it, I do love her. I know how much she loves me. Damn, man, she would take a bullet for me, no doubt, but I don’t want to get married again.”

  “Has she told you that she wants to get married?”

  “Well, no. She’s never mentioned marriage.”

  “So why is that bothering you?”

  “That’s what all women want. I got trapped into it with Abby and I don’t want to again.”

  “Gray, Abby talked about marriage from the time you guys were freshmen in high school. Annie is in college, has a great job, and never mentions marriage, or even any long-term commitment. How the hell can you compare the two? In two years, she has never asked you to confirm your commitment to her or put a time frame on it, never asked you to take it to another level.”

  I don’t say anything. I know he’s right, but I still feel cornered. I have had to answer to someone my entire life, whether it was my mom or my wife. Now I have some freedom, and I don’t want to give it up.

  Sometimes I wonder if Topher reads my mind. “You know, man, if you are so afraid of not maintaining your freedom, maybe you owe it to her to let her go. You know since Heather moved out, there’s plenty of space here. You can always move back in.”

  I just nod at him, taking a long pull off my beer. Living with Topher was fun, but obviously nothing like coming home to Annie at night. I love her, but what I’m doing to her isn’t fair. Maybe Topher’s right. Maybe I need to leave.

  There are no lights on in the apartment when I get home, odd since I figured Annie would be up half the night based on how high she looked when I left. Her car is downstairs so I know she’s here. Tiptoeing into the bedroom, I expect to find her in bed, curled up on her side, but she’s not there and the bed is still made. Next stop, the bathroom. I flip on the light, not expecting to find her on the floor with her face pressed to the tile, white as a sheet. “Bird Dog…” I call out to her. Without moving her head, her eyes look up to me painfully and I see the vomit in the toilet. “Baby, are you okay?”

  She nods her head a little as tears run down her cheeks splashing against the tile floor. “I just don’t feel good. I keep throwing up.”

  FUCK! I left her here. She’s been alone like this. “How long have you been sick?” I ask as I reach to wet a washcloth to put on her forehead. She weakly shrugs her shoulders looking pitiful. “Can I pick you up?” I ask her and she lifts her arms like a child waiting for a parent to comfort them. Sweeping her up in my arms, I take her to bed. She’s completely naked, but burning up. I pull a tank top and a pair of panties out of her drawer to cover her, and then get her some aspirin for her fever.

  She falls asleep quickly while I lie in bed next to her staring at the ceiling. Topher is right. I need to let her go. I don’t seem to be able to be what she needs, even if she doesn’t complain about it. I should have been here tonight, but instead I was at my buddy’s house drinking. She could’ve called me, I would have come home, but knowing Annie, she’ll never ask for help, from anyone. She doesn’t need me or anyone else that way, and what she does need, I don’t seem to want to offer.

  Chapter Twenty-Four – Annie

  I wake up the next morning feeling much better than I did the night before. The puking seems to have stopped sometime after I plastered myself to the cold tile floor in the bathroom. I remember Gray coming in and taking me to bed, but not much other than that. Rolling over, I expect to find him next to me, but he’s not there and the bed is cold, meaning he’s been up for a while. Pulling the covers back, I stretch and make my way out of bed to the kitchen. The smell of the coffee about knocks me over and sends me flying toward the bathroom. There is nothing left in my stomach to throw up, but I wretch all the same. Once the wave passes, I splash cold water on my face and go back out to the kitchen. Still no Gray. I fumble around to find my phone.

  Me: Where r u?

  Gray: Running errands

  Me: R u going to b back soon or out most of the day

  Gray: Out most of the day.

  Gray: How r u feeling?

  Me: Not great. I’ll make it. I ges I’ll c u later.

  I go lie back down and must have fallen asleep. Gray wakes me up when he comes in the door, and sits down on the bed. He kisses my forehead and lies down on his side facing me before he drops the bomb.

  “Annie” – it’s never good when he calls me Annie – “I need to talk to you.” I know I don’t want to hear this, but I open my eyes to look at him anyhow. “I’m going to move back in with Topher. Since Heather moved out, he’s got the space. I feel like I’m hurting you more than I’m doing you any good being here.”

  “What?” I’m dumbfounded. This was not on my radar AT ALL!

  “I love you, sweetheart. I know it’s not fair for me to have asked you to make all sorts of changes in your life while I go do whatever I want to do. I don’t want to stop seeing you, and I don’t w
ant to see other people; I just don’t think we need to live together right now.”

  I’m sitting up at this point, staring at him. Do I beg him to stay or just let him go? Does he want me to beg him? Does he need to know how much I need him or does he need to think I’ll be okay on my own? TWO YEARS! Holy shit. My heart hurts, like someone is hitting my chest with a sledgehammer.

  “Annie, say something.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” It’s all I can come up with. God, for being so smart, I’m acting like an imbecile right now.

  “I think it will work out best for us in the long run.”

  He honestly believes this shit? Or, is this the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech’?

  “So your decision has already been made?” I ask, trying to keep my voice from cracking.

  “I talked to Topher last night and a lot of what he said made sense. I’ve asked too much of you and given you nothing in return.”

  “So your answer to that is just leave… after two years… with no discussion with me about it?” He doesn’t respond; therefore, giving me his answer. “Okay, Gray. When are you moving out?”

  “I packed up my stuff this morning. I already took it to Topher’s. That’s where I’ve been all day.” I can’t breathe. I’m completely stunned. I refuse to cry in front of him, I fucking refuse!

  Standing up to go to the bathroom, I say casually to him, “Just leave your key on the counter in the kitchen, Gray.” I close the door behind me. Pressing my back to the door, I slide to the floor allowing the tears to flow silently. When I finally hear the front door close, I wipe my face off with the backs of my hands and exit the bathroom. He’s really gone. His key is sitting on the bar counter. Curling up in a ball on the couch, I pull a throw over my body. There’s nothing on TV, but it doesn’t really matter since I can’t focus on anything other than the immense pain anyhow.

  My phone goes off repeatedly, ringing, text messages, voicemails. I don’t answer or acknowledge any of them. After two days of ignoring everything, including school and work, the knocks on my door start. I haven’t gotten off the couch to do anything other than pee and occasionally throw up. I assume the throwing up is from stress since I haven’t eaten anything and I don’t have a fever. I’m despondent and morose. I’m still ignoring the knocks, when my door suddenly opens. The maintenance guy peaks his head around the door to see me on the couch. I’m sure it’s quite a sight. My hair is greasy and hasn’t been washed in several days. I haven’t eaten, and sleep has been hard to come by. Once he sees me, he turns behind him and says, “She’s here.” He swings the door open, letting Gray in before closing the door behind him.