Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  “Bird Dog, why haven’t you answered my calls or the door?” He looks intently at me, answering his own question. “You look horrible, are you still sick?”

  “Why are you here, Gray?”

  “Hell, Annie, I have been calling you for two days, sent you text messages, called your friends, been by here multiple times, and you haven’t responded. I was worried about you!”

  “Sorry, I haven’t been able to respond quickly enough to you. As you can see, I’m fine.” I’m being a bitch, but I can’t help myself.

  “Don’t be like that, baby. I told you that I don’t want things between us to change. You’re still mine, Annie. I’m still yours.”

  “You’ve never been mine, Gray. Just go.” He looks at me as he reaches out to me. I flinch, causing him to pull away. He stands up without saying anything else and walks out the door. My heart breaks into a million pieces.

  The next morning, I decide to get up to take a shower in an effort to feel human again. Once out of the shower, I check my voicemail, text messages, emails, returning those that I can without actually talking to anyone. Lynn and Jenny are freaking out. Gray had called them both. I text them both to tell them I have been sick, but fine. Lynn responds immediately that she is on her way over with chicken soup. I sigh. I don’t want any company, but I know I can’t avoid them all forever. There are a ton of texts and several voicemails from Gray. I don’t read or listen to them. I just delete them. What is the point, they won’t change anything.

  Lynn shows up and starts unpacking the chicken soup onto the coffee table in front of me. The smell of it sends me straight back to the bathroom where I dry heave for five minutes. When I return to the living room, she asks me how long smells have been bothering me. I tell her it has just been while I’ve been sick.

  “Annie, when was the last time you had your period?” she questions me.

  “I dunno. I’m on the pill; it’s pretty irregular anyhow so I never worry about it, why?”

  “You’ve been sick for days, smells bother you, you have no fever, your emotions are all over the place, which is very unlike you, and you’re throwing up…” she trails off.

  “I’m on the pill, Lynn. I’m not pregnant if that’s what you’re insinuating,” I say as a matter of fact.

  “I think we should get a test just to be sure.”

  “I’m not wasting money on a pregnancy test, Lynn. It’s just stress.”

  “Okay, then I’ll go get one. You won’t mind peeing on a stick for me since there’s no chance you’re preggers, right?” Sometimes she can be so smug. It’s a good thing I love her or I might have smacked her.

  “If you want to waste your money, feel free.” With that, she’s out the door, and back in about five minutes pushing me to the bathroom.

  “Aren’t you supposed to take these first thing in the morning?”

  “Don’t worry, I got more than one. If it’s negative today, you can take another one in the morning. If you are pregnant, it will probably show up today.” She tears open the package, tossing the box in the trashcan, and hands the stick to me. “Just hold it in your pee. The stick does the rest.”

  I obey her instructions, put the cap back on the end, and set it on the counter while I flush the toilet and pull up my pants. She said it takes a couple of minutes to get the results, but it seems like someone pushed the fast forward button because in no time flat there are two lines.

  POSITIVE.

  What the fuck! Oh, my God! I’m fucking pregnant. Gray moved out and I’m fucking pregnant. I’m starting to hyperventilate. Lynn closes the toilet lid and pushes me to a sitting position on top of it.

  “Breathe, Annie!” Her hands are on my shoulders looking directly at me. “Just breathe. We’ll figure this out.”

  Moments of silence pass by. “Figure it out… yeah. Lynn, you have to promise me you won’t tell Gray.” I look up at her to see the confusion in her eyes.

  “What do you mean? You’re not going to tell him?” Shock is prevalent in her voice and maybe borderline anger. “Why the hell would you not tell him? You can’t raise a baby on your own. He loves you, Annie. He’ll love the baby, too!”

  “Lynn, he left. He moved in with Topher days ago. There was no discussion, he just made the decision and moved out. If I do this, it will be on my own, Gray never needs to know.”

  “Sorry, Annie, I’m not agreeing to that. You have to tell him.”

  “He’s going to think I’m trying to trap him. It’s awfully convenient for him to move out, and a few days later, me find out I’m pregnant even though I’m on the pill. He’s going to be furious. I’d rather not deal with that.”

  Shaking her head, she says, “I’ll give you some time, but I’m going to tell him if you don’t. Do you want me to stay and hang out or do you want to be alone?”

  “Alone.” She hugs me, telling me if I need anything to call her and stop avoiding everyone, and then she leaves.

  A few minutes later, my phone rings and I figure its Lynn since she just left and answer it without looking at the caller ID. “Hey, baby.” It’s Gray… great.

  “Hey, Gray.”

  “Can I come by, please?”

  “Did Lynn just call you?”

  “Lynn? No. Why?” He sounds confused.

  “No reason. Why do you need to come by?” I ask.

  “Geezus, Annie, you’re my girlfriend. I haven’t seen you in days. I love you and I miss you. I want to come see you.”

  “Look, Gray, I look like hell. I feel even worse. Today’s not a good day.”

  “Bullshit, you are punishing me for moving out. I’ll be over in thirty minutes. That gives you time to get up and get dressed.”

  I hear the click of the connection before I can respond. I realize I have a couple of options, none of which are good in my book. I can get my ass up and put on something to look half way decent. I can ignore my door and hope the maintenance guy doesn’t let Gray in again. Or I can leave and miss the confrontation all together. While option three is the most appealing, I simply don’t have the energy to leave my apartment, so I go with option one. I don’t put on anything decent, just jeans and a t-shirt, and cuddle back up on the couch. I let Gray in after he knocks on the door. It’s just weird, him knocking on our door to be let in. Yes, I lived here before he moved in, so technically it’s my place, but he’s been here for so long that I smell him everywhere, and right now it’s the only scent that isn’t making me want to vomit.

  Following me to the couch, he sits down next to me and tows me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me. I miss him and this feels way too good. My head rests on his shoulder, and I can smell his cologne, it’s Cool Water. I love how it smells on him. It’s funny how a smell can bring up so many memories and giving you the illusion of comfort. His arms are tucked securely around me and he kisses the top of my head.

  “I’ve missed you, sweetheart. Are you feeling any better? You scared the shit out of me not answering your phone.”

  “I’m okay, just really tired.” I don’t want to talk. I just want him to hold me so I can pretend like nothing has changed. He tips my chin up to him and takes my mouth with his. It’s sweet and gentle. His tongue eases my lips apart before finding mine. With the first twirl in my mouth, I instantly feel the heat ignite in between my legs and him harden beneath my bottom. His hand is secure behind my head drawing me closer to his face, deepening the kiss while his thumb caresses my cheekbone.

  Pulling apart from me, he touches his forehead to mine. “I want to feel your skin on mine, baby.” I nod in agreement. He stands with me in his arms and makes his way to my room. He’s loving and affectionate in his touch, slow and smooth, taking his time to thoroughly admire my body. Standing next to the bed, I lift his shirt, tossing it on the floor at our feet, before placing my hands on his chest. I peruse his taught muscles, kissing his pecks as my hands slowly explore downward, stopping on the V at his waist. I work to undo his pants, pushing them to the floor. Then it’s my
turn. He takes his time undressing me, using his eyes as much as his hands. His bright blue eyes lock with mine, stroking my cheek with his hand, kissing me softly on the lips. He whispers in my ear, “I love you, sweetheart. I always will.”

  I return the sentiment, but it’s breathy and weak. I feel my breasts pressed against his chest and the warmth of his body on mine as we lie back on the bed.

  “Tell me what you want, baby,” he murmurs into the skin on my neck.

  Without hesitation I reply, “The leg.” He knows exactly what I’m talking about – it’s our thing, moving into the pretzel-like position where he will hit a spot inside that no one else has ever touched. His body moves in a determined way, steady rolls of his hips into mine, mine back to his. With each roll, his cock pulls almost completely out of me before plunging back in. Each thrust like a perfectly timed clock. We kiss endlessly, our tongues tangling, making my orgasms that much stronger. I come twice before I feel him reaching the edge.

  “Come with me, baby,” he commands, like bringing myself to a third orgasm in less than an hour is an easy task. His movements become stronger, faster, harder, but still with the same gracefulness. I feel him tighten within me. I lose control again. He stills as my pussy clinches around him. I toss my head back as the surges pass through my inside walls. Our contact doesn’t cease until he softens and slides out. Releasing me, he goes to the bathroom to clean up.

  I hear him flush the toilet and expect him to join me back in bed when I hear, “Annie, what the fuck is this?” Rolling over to see what he’s talking about, my eye catches the box. No, no, no, no, no! Shit. I say nothing, hoping he will forget what is in his hand and that he asked me a question. No such luck. “Annie, did you hear me?” He’s closing in on me. I try to make a break for it, but he grabs my arm, pulling me down on the bed, shoving the box in my face.

  “Um…” How do I answer this question? “It’s a pregnancy test box.” Like duh, what does it say on the box.

  “I can read, Annie. Why is it in the trash can in your bathroom?” Treading lightly, not sure if he is mad or shocked, I say, “Lynn brought it over earlier.” That was vague and noncommittal.

  “I’m going to ask this one last time, baby. What is this?”

  I don’t reply. I just stand up and walk to the bathroom. Taking the stick out of my drawer, the one that shows he’s going to be a Daddy, I walk back to him. Sitting next to him, I hand him the stick turning the box over so he can see the two pictures that show the test results; two lines for positive, one for negative. Then I wait. And wait. He says nothing. He doesn’t react, he doesn’t respond. He just sits there with the test in one hand, the box in the other. Since he’s not saying anything, for some stupid reason, I start rambling, talking so fast I’m not sure he’s even hearing the words I’m saying.

  “Look, Gray, I wasn’t going to tell you. I know you don’t want a baby and you moved out to get away from the commitment. I’m not trying to pin you down to anything. Honestly, I haven’t even thought about what I’m going to do. I just found out today. I thought I had the flu and that’s why I’ve been sick. Lynn was the one who insisted I take the test. I completely forgot it was in the trashcan, I wasn’t expecting you to be here…” I trail off because he’s staring at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. My dad always taught me in a sales pitch, the first person to break the silence conceded to the one who remained close-lipped. I broke the silence, cardinal rule.

  Standing up, he puts the test and the box down on the nightstand. He leans down to kiss my forehead, saying, “I’ll call you later, Annie.” As he makes his way toward the door, I panic – he can’t leave like this. I won’t let him.

  “Gray, where are you going? Don’t you think we should talk about this?” He can hear the desperation in my voice. I see the disappointment in his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that I’ve found so much comfort in in the past show nothing but sadness.

  “Annie, I need time to think. I’ll call you later.” With that, he moves through the door, closing it softly behind him. Running to the window to try to catch a glimpse of him, he lands at the bottom of the steps before looking up towards me. I don’t know if he can see me or not, but I can see his face, it’s tear streaked.

  This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him. Gray never indicated he wanted any children. We never talked about it, but based on his reaction to any type of long-term commitment, I can only assume that this is the permanent blow to whatever might have been salvageable in our relationship. I’m not surprised at his reaction, if I’m being honest. Gray is not a fighter. He avoids confrontation with me at all costs. He’s never been one to yell. He deals with things differently than I do. I want to just hash it out, get all the cards on the table, and then deal with the fall out. Gray, not so much. He won’t engage in a fight. If we disagree on anything, he usually gets his way because I want him to be happy.

  As the days pass with no word from him, I began to realize this is serious and I have to figure out what I’m going to do. A baby was not in my plan…ever. I mean, I guess I thought I’d have kids at some point, but certainly not this early, and definitely not without a husband. I thought I would have Gray around to discuss this with, for him to help me make a decision, but it’s been over a week since he walked out of my apartment – no calls, no texts, no emails, no carrier pigeon, nothing.

  I never believed I would be one of those women that considered an abortion, but the thought is seriously crossing my mind at this point. It’s selfish, I know, but the idea of telling my friends and family that I’m pregnant and Gray has disappeared is overwhelming, almost crippling. Couple that with the fact that I’m still in school, working “part-time,” living in an apartment, and have had an active drug life in the last few months, I’m wondering if it’s not my best option. It’s funny how your political opinion on these issues changes when you become the one faced with the decision. Then I consider the adoption route. There are tons of families that want children of their own that can’t have them, even though the idea of carrying a baby for nine months only to give it away is crushing. There’s also the option of keeping the baby and doing the best I can. If I were to take a couple extra classes and go to summer school, I could finish my degree right around the time the baby would be born. Then I could go back to working full-time at Waltons where I would make plenty of money to move into a bigger apartment or buy a house.

  The baby consumes my mind. I’m having a hard time concentrating at school. I immediately cut out all extracurricular drug use and stop smoking. Add that to being pregnant, I’m exhausted all the time and in a less than stellar mood. I’m avoiding my friends at all costs, including not answering the door when they come knocking since I won’t answer their calls. I have texted them to let them know I’m busy with school, but Lynn knows the truth. She’s threatening to call Jenny and Kris if I don’t come out of hiding. I keep telling her I’m swamped with school and work, which is true since I can’t keep my eyes open and have to do everything twice to make sure it’s right – pregnancy has made me stupid. She also wants to know when I’m going to tell Gray. I haven’t mentioned that he has known almost as long as she has. I’ll deal with that later. My phone starts to vibrate on the table. Picking it up, I sigh when I see Lynn’s name.

  “Hello,” I answer.

  “Hey, girlie. It’s Lynn.” I guess she thinks I didn’t see the caller ID pop up on my screen. Thoughts like that just prove I’ve become a raving bitch, which is all the more reason for me to stay away from my friends.

  “What’s up?”

  “You sound horrible, Annie. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m just tired and have a lot to do with work and school.” Surely she can hear it in my voice.

  “So, I talked to Gray today…” trailing off like she’s expecting me to be interested. I’m dying to know how he’s doing, to see his face, for him to hold me and tell me we will get through this together, that he still loves me, but he’s not doing that and I�
��m sure as hell not going to ask him to.

  “Yeah? How’s he doing?” Even I don’t buy my bullshit, nonchalant response.

  “He asked about you. He said he was really worried about you because you haven’t called him. He mentioned he hasn’t seen you in a week or so and wanted to know if I would check on you.”

  “Seriously?” I want to scream, I want to vent to Lynn and tell her what an ass he was when he found out about the baby, tell her the reason he hasn’t heard from me is that he said he needed time to think, that he would call me. What the hell is he trying to pull here? I wonder if he’s trying to get a read from her about what I’m planning to do. Maybe he thinks he can wait it out and let me make my own decision. Then just come waltzing back in like nothing ever happened or simply walk away if I don’t make whatever choice he’s hoping for.

  “Yeah. Why haven’t you called him?” Obviously, she didn’t tell him that I’m pregnant, but he didn’t tell her he knew either.

  “And say what exactly? Hey, baby, I know we broke up because you didn’t want a commitment and you moved out, but guess what, I’m pregnant with your baby. Surprise! I don’t think it works like that, Lynn. He knows how to dial a phone. He knows where I live. It goes both ways. If he’s so interested, he can contact me himself.” I pause, realizing how snotty I sound and what a bitch I’m being…again. “Look, Lynn, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to take this out on you, but Gray isn’t really my top priority right now. He chose his path, and it isn’t the one I was on.” I’m on the verge of tears, which makes me angry. Damn these fucking hormones.