Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  Sitting down at the table with her, I gave her one of my lady killer grins, causing her to giggle, “I love Fruity Pebbles. Do you have an extra bowl?”

  She got up retrieving a bowl for me, poured me an enormous bowl of colored flakes, topped it off with milk, and sat back down. She proceeded to tell me all about herself, where she went to school, who were friends were, what games she liked to play. By the time her mom got up, I don’t think there was much about the kid I hadn’t learned. When Amber sauntered in, I looked over Alexis’ head. “I didn’t know you had a little girl?”

  “Yeah, it didn’t really come up in conversation last night,” she shrugged her shoulders. She acted like it was no big deal, that there should be little shock involved in the situation. Had I known there was a child asleep in the apartment, I wouldn’t have been here last night, period.

  The more time I spent with Amber, the more time I spent with Alexis. She was such a good kid and fun to be around. Our days were spent playing house and our nights were spent at bars or clubs. Amber’s parents spent most evenings with Alexis, which didn’t thrill me much. Annie never would have let Cole stay home so we could go out and paint the town red, but this isn’t Annie, and Alexis isn’t Cole. I kept my mouth shut and just enjoyed having a built in babysitter.

  Five or six months into the relationship, Amber started mentioning marriage, a lot. I liked her a lot. I maybe even love her. I’ve told her I love her and I think I do, but it may really be more about the sex, how she looks standing next to me, and most importantly, Alexis. No doubt in my mind. I love that little girl like she is my own. I’ve gotten to where I take her to school if I stay over the night before and I pick her up from school every day that I don’t work. We go to the park, we do her homework, we attempt to cook dinner, and she’s a sweetheart. She’s well-mannered and almost never misbehaves. I’m not sure how Amber has managed to raise a child like this since she is hell with feet. I think more than anything, Alexis was just born like this. She’s also never had a Daddy who is active in her life, so she has stuck to me like glue.

  I get a feeling with Amber that I never got with Abby or Annie. Amber needs me. I fill a vital role here and I take care of her and Alexis. (Putting all of their names in one thought makes me realize I have a real propensity for women with names that begin with the letter A. I bet some psychologist would have a field day with that one.) I always knew with Abby and Annie they would be all right on their own. They were both strong women who would make it with or without me. They’ve both proven that. Abby remarried a year or so ago – a police officer. They’re expecting their first kid in a couple of months. Annie finished college, is banking it at Waltons, and she has Brett. Both women are happy, seemingly content whenever I run into them. Amber on the other hand, struggles to pay her bills, depends on her parents for more than just a full-time babysitter, and has said on more than one occasion that I’m better than she ever dreamed she’d have. I want to be her savior. I want to make Amber happy, so if she wants to get married, I will.

  Picking up the phone, I make the call to my mama; I need her help. I’m not into all this girly crap. She answers on the second ring, “Hey, baby.”

  “Hey, Big Dee, whatcha doin?”

  “Not much of anything. What’s up, Gray?” Big Dee knows me better than anyone, well except of course Annie.

  “I need you to help me pick out a ring.”

  “OH, MY GOD, GRAY! I’m so excited, how did you and Annie work things out? I thought you were seeing that girl with the daughter? I can’t tell you how happy I am.” Her excitement was obvious, but I have no idea why she would think Annie and I had worked things out. I haven’t mentioned her in months.

  “Nah, Big Dee. It’s not for Annie; it’s for Amber.”

  “What? You’ve only been seeing her for a few months. Why are you buying her a ring?”

  “She wants to get married. I love her. I want to be there for Alexis.”

  “Gray, do you love Amber or do you love Alexis? You need to make sure you know which one you are committing to.” Ahh, I love the way mamas tell you that you’re making a mistake without actually saying the words, so much meaning behind that one sentence.

  “I’m committing to both of them. Will you help me?”

  She hesitates, and then sighs, “You know I will.” I know she’s disappointed. Annie was her pick for me, other than Abby of course.

  “Thanks. I’ll pick you up in about thirty minutes.”

  Big Dee and I go to four different jewelry stores before I find what I think is the right ring. Amber is a flashy girl. Annie would want a solitaire screaming class. For Amber, it needs to be eye catching, a ‘notice me’ kind of piece. Leave it to Mama to find it tucked in the corner of a case off to the side of the showroom. It had a yellow gold mounting, three stones on the top, each one surrounded by little diamond chips in a circle, making each stone look like a little crown perched on the band that was what the sales lady referred to as pave. Basically, it was covered in little diamonds. The entire thing sparkled, every light bouncing off one or more of the diamonds when it was moved. Holding it in my hand, I knew that Annie would have hated it. The fact that Annie kept coming to my mind when I was buying Amber a ring, probably should have been the warning I needed but I push the thoughts aside, knowing that Amber would love it. Big Dee said it was tacky and I chuckled, thinking that’s perfect and purchased the ring.

  Two days later, I’ve decided today is the day. I’m going to propose today. Amber probably wants a big display in front of a large group of people but I’m not just proposing to her, I’m proposing to Alexis too. I bought a bracelet for her at the same store I bought her mom’s ring. I plan to ask her if I can be her daddy. With that in mind, there will be no big to do. It will be a quiet moment with my two girls, hopefully one they will both cherish.

  I arrive at Amber’s front door with flowers, the ring, and the bracelet in my pocket. I don’t have a set plan and I don’t want to take away from Amber’s moment in the proposal but I don’t want too much time to go by without presenting the bracelet to Alexis. Knocking, which I never do, Alexis answers the door. “Hey, Gray, pretty flowers. Are they for me?” she exclaims while bouncing up and down. Her excitement for seeing me never gets old. It never ceases to make me feel like the greatest guy in the world.

  “Hey, Kiddo, one for you and one for your mama,” I respond, handing her the little bouquet earmarked for her. Amber came up behind her, smiling, as I extended my hand with her arrangement.

  “They’re beautiful, Gray. Thank you. What’s the occasion?” Amber takes the flowers, placing them on the kitchen table.

  Closing the door behind me, I reached in my pocket, securing the ring in my hand. I got down on one knee, “Amber, will you marry me?” It wasn’t a great speech. I didn’t tell her I loved her, or that she’d make me happy. I’m not a much of a romantic so I figure the fastest way to get what you want is ask for it without all the fluffy words surrounding it.

  “Yes!” Her hand extends quickly for me to put the ring on, which I do before standing up. She immediately goes for her cell phone, taking pictures, and texting them to her friends. She returns to me momentarily. “Thank you,” she whispers against my lips with a gentle kiss.

  It happens so quickly that poor Alexis is just standing there with her mouth open, looking back and forth between her mom and me. Taking her little hand, her mom back on the phone, I pull her over to the couch. With her standing between my legs, me sitting on the couch, I pull the bracelet out of my other pocket. When she sees the white gold cuff, with three tiny diamonds inlayed in a row centered in the top, her little eyes twinkle. She looks up at me, and then glances back at the bracelet.

  “Alexis, I love you very much. Will you let me be your daddy?” Her eyes fill with tears, she just nods. I clasp the bracelet to her wrist before she throws her little arms around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. This was more the response I expected from her mom but I’ll take it from her
. Finally releasing me, she runs to show her treasure to her mom, who just looks up at me and smiles her thank you.

  After all of the calls are made, to what seemed like a hundred people, Amber and her mom have hooked up with Big Dee to start wedding planning. This is my cue to step out of the way. Amber tells me she wants to get married in three months. My mouth gapes open. “Is that even possible?” I didn’t think you could plan a wedding that fast, nor did I understand why you would want to even try.

  She smacks me playfully on the arm. “Of course it’s possible! Just leave the details to us. All you have to do is show up.” I groan out loud since I know that shit isn’t true. Women woo you in; they tell you that you don’t have to do anything but then they get so overwhelmed, you start to feel sorry for them. The next thing you know, you’re running wedding errands for an event you don’t give a crap about. Men just don’t care about the details of the wedding. To be honest, most of us don’t care about a piece of paper saying we’re legal at all. We do it because women want it.

  One thing I really like about Amber, which wasn’t Annie’s strong suit, she loves to go out to bars and clubs. She’s very social where Annie was much more of a homebody. She went out with me if I asked, but she wasn’t in to crowds and preferred hanging out with friends in small gatherings to being around a bunch of strangers. Amber and I go out a lot. Occasionally, we start at a restaurant. It seems like every time we do, we run into Annie and Brett. I’m surprised at how much we see them out, but I guess now that Annie is out of school, she doesn’t have the time constraints she had when we were together.

  She always looks beautiful, her simple style, but her eyes and her hair get me every time. Her eyes speak to me and she knows they do. We have had quick, silent conversations with Amber and Brett standing there not knowing it was going on. I don’t believe that’s a connection either of us will ever have with another human being. Then there’s that hair. It doesn’t matter if she’s wearing it down, up in a ponytail, or any other way, all I think about is wrapping my hand around it and fucking the hell out of her. Amber’s hair is short. There’s no grabbing it during sex although she certainly makes up for it in other ways.

  Tonight, they’re at Capri’s, a small little Italian place, sitting at a little table lit by candles, obviously having an intimate conversation. Annie’s hands are moving all over the place, her features animated. Brett just smiles at her, laughing occasionally. She hasn’t seen me, but he’s made eye contact in the several minutes we’ve been waiting at the hostess stand, although he won’t acknowledge me. He has completely separated his relationship with Annie from the DC. She never comes out there, not that she has a need to like she did with me initially. He never speaks with anyone on the floor about her. If her name comes up with management, it’s in a strictly professional way. I asked him once how she was doing and he told me in no uncertain terms that she was off limits to me, both physically and verbally, but confirmed that she was fantastic and they were happy. It wasn’t over the top, so I believed they were truly happy. They certainly seemed so whenever I saw them out, now being no different. She was never like that with me, never vivacious, engaged in what appeared to be riveting conversation for them both. She was much more subdued, usually listening more than talking.

  The hostess comes up, interrupting my observation, leading us to our table, we stop by Annie’s table to say hello, I introduced Amber to them, but in a silent conversation, Annie’s eyes tell me she doesn’t give a shit who this girl is. She is polite – she always is – but makes it appear as though the reason I know her is through Brett, not that I had been inside her for over two years. Amber knows who Annie is. I can’t hide that part of me and don’t want to. I am surprised Amber isn’t more smug since we are engaged. I figured if she ever met Annie, she would rub it in her face, maybe it is Annie’s indifference that put Amber off. Whatever it is, I am glad. I couldn’t have stood seeing Annie’s face when another woman showed her a ring I had given her. It dawns on me that Annie doesn’t know I’m engaged. She would congratulate us, even if she hated the girl. That’s just how Annie is – she would acknowledge knowing. Holy shit, no one has told Annie, not even Brett. Damn, I’d hate to be the fool that has to deliver that news.

  I watch Annie from our table. Amber never notices, just continuously talks about wedding plans, so I continue eating while pretending to listen. I know the moment Brett tells her. I was right; she didn’t know. She looks over at me, holds my eyes for just a moment, and that moment was all I need to see the sadness before she wiped it permanently off her face and looked away. I watch her talk to him, trying to imagine what she is saying; she is convincing him of something. I can tell by her facial expressions. Shortly before they leave, she gets up to sit next to him and kisses him. He leans his forehead against hers. That’s a very intimate gesture with Annie. Aside from sex, it is the most intimate gesture for her. In that moment, I know she confirmed her commitment to him; I’d bet money on it. They walk out with Brett’s arm around her little waist, her soft brown hair cascading down her back. He looks over his shoulder at me, throwing up a hand to wave goodbye.

  Three months to the day after I proposed, I’m standing in a little church in Easley, South Carolina, locked in a room in a tuxedo, asking myself for the hundredth time, what the fuck I’m doing here. The only answer I keep coming up with is that this is what Amber wanted and I asked her to make her happy. The one highlight in this deal is Alexis, my little angel. She’s as excited as her Mama is about the wedding and she’s in a beautiful princess dress, looking like cotton candy coated in sugar. I’ve locked myself in a room to try to escape from the bustle and make a phone call. The one person in the world I should not call on my wedding day is the one person I have to talk to before I walk down the aisle.

  I get voicemail the first time I call. She always has her phone, so I know if I call back, she’ll think it’s an emergency and answer regardless of what she’s doing. I’m right. She picks up on the first ring.

  “Hello?” she answers softly; it sounds like she’s been crying but it’s probably just the noise around me or maybe she’s trying to be quiet until she can get away from wherever she is to talk.

  “Bird Dog…”

  “Hey, Gray.” Yeah, she’s definitely been crying, but I know I don’t really have time to find out why, again making me a selfish prick. “Why are you calling me?”

  “Do you still love me?” It was blunt. It was straight to the point. It was a question I had to ask to get the answer I have to have.

  “What? Aren’t you getting married today, Gray?”

  “How did you know I was getting married today?” I’ve been derailed from the reason for my phone call.

  “Your fiancée invited all of the guys at the DC – that would include Brett. I was supposed to be his plus one.” Her voice is flat, exhausted, like someone had kicked the emotional shit out of her and she has quit fighting. I have heard this Annie before and it was at my hands.

  “Is Brett here? Shit, wait, are you here with Brett?” What the hell was I doing, what if Annie is in the congregation of my wedding while I am calling to ask her if she still loves me.

  “Brett is there. I’m not. As much as I want to support you and want you to be happy, I simply couldn’t watch you do it.” Damn it, she’s crying again. It’s a soft, muffled cry, but it’s there.

  “Annie, please tell me you still love me. Tell me to walk out of here right now, to come home to you. Please, Annie, tell me you want me as much now as you did then and I’ll leave. I’ll walk out, get in my truck, and come straight to you.” I am dead serious. I love her. I always have. If she’ll take me, I’ll be hers. This is it. If I don’t secure her now, I’ll never be able to. This decision will be permanent.

  Silence fills the line. I’m sure she is shocked as hell but I need her to know that she is my last thought before I commit to this. She is the one person who can take me away; she’s my Bird Dog, my partner.

  “I c
an’t do that, Gray. If you don’t want to marry her, then you need to make that decision for you, not because you think I’m going to be here to save you. I’m with Brett, Gray. You made that decision for me. You didn’t allow me any say in the matter. You dumped me ten minutes before your friends arrived to move me out. I will always love you—no one else will ever love you the way I do. You and I both know that, but I won’t be the reason you run out on another woman.”

  This isn’t the response I expected. I’ve always believed that all I would ever have to do is tell Annie that I had fucked up and we’d fix it, together. I know with a little coaxing and charm, she will succumb to me, she always does. Damn it, if I could just touch her, I could communicate everything I need to say to her. “What are you talking about running out on another woman?”

  “Gray, I know you were still living with Abby when we started dating. I didn’t know it then, or even while we were together, but I know it now, and I won’t be that woman again. So, if you want to end things with…shit, I’m sorry, Gray, I don’t remember her fucking name. Anyway, if you don’t want to marry her, then don’t, but do it on your own accord, not because of me.” Her voice tells me she has accepted her fate. In her mind, she has concluded we would never be together, so she closed the chapter. There’s no longer access for me to get back in but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try.

  “Who the hell told you I was still living with Abby when we started dating?” The only person I could figure was Topher but why the hell would he tell her that after we broke up?

  “Gray, sweetheart, Brett tells me everything.” Geezus, thanks Brett. The man doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body, but he is fiercely protective of Annie. That one tidbit ensured Annie would never cross my path again; she would never be a home wrecker. I was Brett’s only threat; he knew it, and he quietly eliminated me without me knowing he was doing it. Touché. “I’m here if you need someone to talk to later, Gray. I need to go though. My will power just isn’t that strong. I hope you make the right decision.”