This Is Our Undoing

by Lorraine Wilson

  ‘And if ESF change their minds once Mr Kapoor here is safely away?’

  Brief murmurs from the watching figures. The man beside Ognyana shifted, muttered something to her.

  Lina mapped the tension in Ognyana’s shoulders, the way her legs were not entirely straight. Poised to fight, or flee. How much courage she had, to face down people backed by an entire military force and not waver. To keep fighting, to keep believing that there were better ways, better worlds. The stitches in Lina’s ankle throbbed insistently, but even with that, with the bruises black on Devendra Kapoor’s brown skin, she felt only a faint, awe-filled sadness.

  ‘Then I will warn you,’ she said eventually.

  Ognyana watched her for a long minute. Somewhere a dog barked once, the man holding Devendra shifted his weight, watching his boss rather than Thiago. The world held still while Ognyana read Lina’s face, weighed her promise and eventually smiled.

  ‘What?’ the man beside her said. ‘You can’t believe that.’

  ‘So,’ Ognyana said, ignoring him, turning, ‘Mr Kapoor, it was a pleasure.’ The man released him. ‘And I hope you keep your promises, Dr Stephenson.’

  ‘Wait,’ the man beside Ognyana said. ‘Ognyana!’

  From the corner of her eye, Lina saw Devendra hesitate, then begin walking.

  ‘Wait.’ Grabbing Ognyana’s arm one-handed, the other reaching behind his back, his eyes on Thiago. ‘We can’t trust them, look at him, we can’t–’

  Ogynana turning, mouth opening, the man’s hidden hand coming up, movement behind Lina and Devendra falling, rolling, the man staggering back; the sound of the gunshot suffocating everything. Thiago occluding Lina but she saw Ognyana, gun raised, Devendra near the truck somehow coming up into a crouch, Thiago’s broad shoulders and the man on his knees, blood spilling over his hands.

  ‘That was stupid,’ Thiago said. Devendra did not move and Ognyana ignored the man bleeding at her feet, watching Thiago unblinking.

  ‘Are you going to make it worse?’ Thiago’s voice was calm, almost cheerful. Lina’s pulse reverberated in her ears like an echo of the shot. The man moaned and swore, his gun fallen mercifully out of reach.

  The dog barked again and Lina whispered, ‘The villagers.’ Saw Ognyana hear her and waver.

  Thiago sighed. ‘Get that idiot and go,’ he said. ‘If he lives, I’d recommend shooting him again. Kapoor, Lina, get in the truck, would you?’

  Lina did, her hands barely obeying, beginning to shake, then Thiago was beside her and Ognyana raised her voice over the engine.

  ‘The taskforce?’

  Thiago laughed, but Lina saw a brave woman kneeling in the dust beside her friend and shouted, ‘They won’t come. They won’t come.’

  Ognyana bent her head and Thiago pulled the truck away, raising dust over the bleeding man.

  As they came into the meadow, Lina found that she could speak. ‘Are you hurt?’ she said to the man in the back seat, turning to study the bruises on his face, the sharp lines of the smile he gave her.

  ‘No,’ he said. But his smile faded quickly, his head tipped back to rest against the chair, and she wondered how much he was lying.

  Xander was waiting outside as they pulled into the courtyard and Lina heard Devendra take a long breath out, then in again, before he opened his door.

  ‘Dev!’ Xander said, coming forward then halting so quickly he nearly overbalanced. ‘What–’

  ‘Just a few bruises,’ Devendra’s voice was light. ‘Good to see you. Sorry for the delay.’

  Xander laughed, Thiago opened Lina’s door as she finally pulled a crutch free. When she had got to her feet and Thiago was pulling the truck forward into the barn, she watched Devendra and Xander and thought that, despite the colour of the man’s skin, they were the same. Rich and privileged; complicit.

  ‘Where’s your mother?’ Devendra was saying, laying a hand on Xander’s shoulder.

  Xander shrugged. ‘Sleeping, I guess. Dev, she’s...’ he trailed off. ‘She’s not...’

  ‘Okay,’ Dev said. ‘It’s okay. We’ll sort this out. Hey, Xander,’ Xander lifted his head. ‘I’ll sort it.’

  Xander nodded, then noticed Lina and the frown returned. Devendra looked around and released Xander’s shoulder.

  ‘Ah,’ he said softly. ‘I didn’t say thank you. Rather paltry, I know.’ He smiled disarmingly, marred only a little by the swelling around one eye. ‘Devendra Kapoor. Call me Dev.’

  ‘Lina Stephenson,’ Lina said, shaking the proffered hand. It felt strange to do this when they had just rescued him from kidnappers. More strange that they had not yet met when his absence had been so profound a presence. ‘And this is Thiago Ferdinando,’ she said.

  With his attention off her, she realised how Devendra’s irises were blown, his gaze slipping fractionally in and out of focus. She remembered him splayed on the greyscale forest floor.

  ‘You’re concussed,’ she said, seeing it now. The way he turned his head with a deliberation that spoke of someone in pain and determined to hide it.

  ‘I’m not,’ he said. ‘Just tired. I assure you. I’d kill for a shower though. Xander, mind if I beg some supplies off you? Seem to have mislaid mine.’

  Thiago was scrutinising him now too, but as the other two turned away, he simply raised an eyebrow at Lina and crossed the courtyard to the old house.

  ‘Dev,’ Lina said. He hesitated, face half-averted. It did not matter to her if he was battling concussion, she thought, so long as he controlled Silene and took Xander away. She certainly did not care that the BB might have wounded one of the people she had fought against for so long.

  ‘Will you let me check your injuries, after you are showered?’

  He met her eyes, and even dazed as they were, tired and bruised, she saw the flicker of surprised interest and cursed herself. ‘Thank you, but there’s no need,’ he said. ‘If you have some painkillers, I’d be grateful though.’

  ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘I’ll bring some over.’

  ‘Come on,’ Xander said from the doorway, and Lina turned to follow Thiago.

  ‘You okay?’ Thiago said to her as soon as she was seated at her desk.

  Lina nodded. ‘You?’

  Thiago laid his handgun on his desk, began to unload it without looking. ‘Yes. He’ll live if they’re quick, sadly.’

  She hadn’t been sure. ‘And the deal is still on. Ognyana didn’t know he was going to do that.’ It had been Thiago’s unhidden anger, she thought, which had triggered it. So unlike him not to be able to mask himself.

  Thiago shrugged. ‘Maybe,’ raising a hand to waylay her. ‘Later, Lina.’ Wearily, rattling bullets in his palm.

  Lina closed her eyes, because she could not erase the man on his knees from her mind. The gunshot, the fact that she did not know who he would have shot if Thiago had not been faster, the fact that it might have been Thiago.

  ‘What do you make of Kapoor?’ he said eventually.

  Lina opened her eyes, tried to collate her thoughts. ‘He is concussed,’ she said and Thiago laughed. ‘I don’t think he’ll want to stay,’ she added.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Have they arranged anything about leaving?’

  Thiago lifted a shoulder fractionally. ‘No. I’ll talk to him later and do it myself if necessary.’

  But would Silene go? Lina had no idea. And would he force her? She had no idea about that either.

  ‘I’ll hear about your dad tonight,’ Thiago said, and Devendra Kapoor was forgotten. ‘She’s got access. It’s not a hundred percent, but–’

  ‘Oh god.’ Lina covered her face with her hands, not sure if the thing she was holding back was joy or tears. She had not realised how frightened she was for him until now, knowing someone would be keeping him safe. ‘T,’ she said, dropping her hands. ‘Thank you. Tell her thank you.’<
br />
  He did not smile, but there was such gentleness in his eyes. ‘It’s nothing.’

  It was not nothing. To her or for him. He was risking something in doing this, and if that was not physical safety then it was psychological safety, but he’d done it anyway and Lina wanted to cross the distance between them and put her arms around him but daren’t move because she would cry then and she needed to remember that even if her father was safer now, that did not stop him being made leverage and lure.

  ‘What is it?’ Genni stood at the base of the stairs, hands at her waist, her fingers flexing as if clutching at the air.

  Lina turned her smile on her sister. ‘Nothing, love. Are you okay?’

  Genni stared at her and Lina could almost feel the hostility rising between them, all her joy and relief falling away. ‘Have you heard from Dad yet? Why isn’t he well enough to travel yet? He said it wouldn’t take this long.’

  Thiago rose and moved past Genni to his office. Lina knew he would still be able to hear and that he had only gone to make Genni feel less outnumbered, but still wished he’d stayed.

  ‘He’s much better, you’re right.’ Lina patted the stool beside her but Genni did not move, her fingers gripping her upper arm now, the skin indenting. Lina sighed. ‘But isn’t allowed to travel just yet.’ She had never minded the lies before, but did now. Lying to this child.

  ‘I’m working on it, Genni,’ she said. ‘He’s safe, and being looked after, and hopefully soon he will be allowed to finish the journey.’

  The light was bringing out the gold tones in Genni’s dark skin, like she was lit from within. ‘Was that that man back?’ she said finally.

  ‘Dev,’ Lina said. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So the people who put the trap out are going to get away with it.’

  Was this the love Thiago was so determined to see? Or was it simply overspilling anger at all the injustices and cruelties and powerlessness in her short, difficult life?

  ‘Yes,’ Lina said. ‘They messed up. They won’t do it again.’ She tried a smile. ‘Hey, fancy going to find those foxes tomorrow?’ Wanting Genni to see the forest as safe, as more than shadowy dangers and blood.

  Genni shrugged, but her clenching hand fell still and Lina’s heart felt almost weightless. ‘Dunno. Maybe, I guess,’ her sister said, and for the first time Lina thought that perhaps it would be okay. Perhaps she could save all of them, and their secrets, and herself.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lina went out the next morning. Not far, but taking the truck up past an abandoned village to the point where the forest became solely pine. Driving hurt but she swung on her crutches almost fluidly along a track of needles and black earth, buoyed by birdsong and the scent of old resin, a hint of musk. There was no real reason to be here, and Thiago would scowl at her for coming out at all, but she had put dormouse nestboxes along this track and wanted to check them for occupancy. She needed to be away, if only for an hour or two.

  In the first box the bedding she had provided was hollowed to the shape of a sleeping body, but no nest, no young. She moved on. There was mist lower down but here the pine trees were dusky amber and tawny in the rising sun, the exact colour of Dev’s skin where it was not bruised. Off to the right a black woodpecker drummed sonorously, unanswered, and the next box held great tit chicks, their yellow gapes opening for her blindly. The next box, and the next, held dormice and their young. Lina closed those lids immediately, smiling. Then the track ahead became wetter and she studied the mud and the already filthy ends of her crutches forlornly. She had not truly valued this, she thought. Not just the refuge but its effortless, untainted joy. She stood there for a long time before turning around. Genni would wake soon, and it was stupid to risk dirtying her healing wounds for the sake of a little more resinous peace.

  Back at the station, she changed her dressing. Soon, she would go without them, she thought, begin walking unaided, and then if she needed to leave she would be able to.

  ‘Breakfast?’ she said to Genni when her sister appeared in her bedroom doorway. She set the medical supplies to one side and lowered her foot testingly.

  Genni nodded, not waiting for Lina but also not moving away faster than Lina could manage.

  ‘You did your hair,’ she said. Genni touched it gingerly.

  ‘Not very well.’

  ‘Shall I give it a go after breakfast? I’m sure we can figure it out together.’ They crossed the courtyard, Lina’s grip on her crutches tight as a fist.

  Genni lifted her narrow shoulders.

  ‘I’d like to learn,’ Lina said.

  She thought Genni would not answer and that she had asked too soon. But her injury had frightened her sister, she was sure of it. Her warning about Xander too, perhaps. She waited.

  They reached the new house door and Genni pushed it open, then said with another shrug, ‘Okay.’

  Lina’s fingers relaxed.

  Iva was in the kitchen, although Anais was not, and Lina touched a hand to the older woman’s briefly. ‘It’s good to see you,’ she said.

  Looking at the crutches, Iva said, ‘It was a bad thing, yes? I told them this...’ she paused, the lines around her mouth deepening. ‘I am sorry for it.’

  Lina had never once thought Iva was involved. ‘You don’t need to be sorry,’ she said, and remembered telling Kai that he did not need to fight monsters for her. ‘I’m fine.’

  Raising her eyebrows, Iva turned back to the counter with an expressive huff. ‘You sit,’ she said, picking up a knife. But as Lina turned, Xander was coming up the stairs two at a time and looked so unfamiliarly relieved to see Lina that she froze.

  ‘It’s Dev,’ he said. ‘He’s sick.’

  More aware than ever of how slow she still was, Lina followed him back down the stairs, but just one flight down she saw Dev coming from his room. He looked up at her frowning.

  ‘I’m perfectly fine,’ he said to her rather than Xander.

  It was hard to tell in the low light of the landing, but he did not look perfectly fine. The bruising around his eye was morphing to a low burgundy but his skin held a yellowish cast and his grip on the doorframe was fierce.

  ‘You were being sick,’ Xander said. He was standing at Dev's side, pallid in the clear light. Poor boy, Lina thought. He had invested so much faith in Dev and his saviour had proven fallible.

  ‘I was–’ Dev ran a hand over his face, wincing. Still directing his words up to Lina. ‘I’ve got a killer headache, that’s all it is. I’m capable of self-assessment.’

  ‘Okay,’ Lina said, shrugging lightly. She knew enough about stubbornness to recognise a refusal to admit to weakness, but wasn’t sure of his reasons. Was it simple machismo reflex, or was it hostility? And if hostility, was that borne of captivity and associative blame, or was it something else?

  Dev was watching her watching him, so Lina turned away, climbing slowly back up the stairs trying, like him, to look stronger than she was.

  As Lina and Genni were tidying their plates away, Silene appeared, making Lina realise she had not seen Kai since that ghastly overheard conversation yesterday morning. She would find him though. Once she had checked for news of her father, and Genni was busy with something, she would search the meadow for Kai and try to talk to him about drugs and psychosis and thoughtless cruelty.

  Silene sat meekly beside Dev at the table but instead of eating, kept lifting and setting down her mug of tea, one hand fidgeting with something in her lap until Dev set his hand over the top of hers and murmured something that Lina did not catch.

  ‘Xander will tell you, won’t you darling?’ Silene said, turning her head but not focussing on anyone. ‘He has been very good looking after me, you know? I just, Dev darling, I just want it to be over, and them to leave me alone. You understand?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dev said, his gaze flicking from Silene to Lina as Lina ushe
red Genni towards the stairs. It might have been good to hear this conversation but Lina doubted Dev would say anything as careless as Silene would, and Genni did not need to hear any of it at all.

  She had recognised, belatedly, the gesture Kai had made as he told her that Silene had been there when her husband died. It had been the shaking out of tablets into a palm.

  Dev came to find her, later. She had spent an hour sitting in the meadow with Genni, following an instruction video as she learned to treat and tame Genni’s untamed hair, Genni listening to music and not speaking, but that was okay. It was okay. Then, Genni gone, Lina had lingered searching for a pale-haired child before seeing Dev in the courtyard waiting for her. The sun lay upon the meadow as dense as honey and although she would happily have stayed out here floating in heat, Dev nodded towards the old house and said, ‘That’s your office, Xander said. Can we talk?’

  She made sure she smiled, and made sure to leave the door wide. A blue butterfly danced electric in the doorway then away and Lina pushed a stool towards Dev before sitting herself. She realised she did not know where Thiago was.

  ‘How are you?’ she said pointlessly, filling the silence as he studied her face the way she had done his in the stairwell earlier. Mapping weaknesses, she thought, and stilled her hands against her thighs, felt her breathing slow.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t mean your head. I mean...’ she searched for words that would not offend. ‘It cannot have been very pleasant, the last few days.’

  He smiled and again she was startled by how beautiful that smile was against his dark bones. ‘They weren’t that bad, actually.’ Seeing Lina’s gaze travel over his bruised face, he added. ‘That was the initial scuffle. After that, they were perfectly civilised.’

  Which was possibly a commentary on how he expected resistance fighters to behave, and a reminder of which side he was on.