Neither Here Nor There
Page 27
“So, are you going to stay here?” I ask her.
“Yeah, this timeline is as good as any others. At least I will have the best chance of remembering from here.”
“And I’m coming back here. Do you think you’ll remember me?” Amy shrugs.
“I have no idea of what will happen once the ability to jump disappears. This warehouse might just become a warehouse, or maybe it’s gone, demolished or turned into condos.”
“I’d better jump from somewhere else then, right? Maybe Temple?”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. You ready to go?”
“I don’t want to leave Sujatha there.”
“She is where she wants to be. Don’t worry Kim.” We gather up our important stuff: the notebooks, thread sheets, PCP. At the last minute, we decide to clean the dishes and wipe down the furniture and doorknobs with bleach wipes, just in case. No fingerprints … We leave Sujatha behind the closed door. I can hardly see her in the chair but I know she is there, but not there.
The evening is chilly, the sky deep blue and clear promising a night full of stars. Amy drives. I am heavy with the responsibility and the guilt. I am about to close off and shut down this science. I mean, this was a whole new field of inquiry and a whole new branch of existence in this universe that I am going to destroy. It is antithetical to everything I believe and learned as a scientist. But I look at the people we drive by, the mothers, the kids, the young guys hanging out trying to look cool and I know. Humans are not ready for this. Those who get it would exploit it and deny it to others. Some would never know anything about it, only that their lives are getting progressively worse. It is too dangerous and we, as a people, are not evolved enough to handle it. I sigh a deep sigh and we are at Temple’s main campus.
“Are you coming with me?”
“No. Whatever happens, happens. I think I’m gonna go home, see if my dad is around, maybe catch some TV with him.” I look at her and notice how anxious and distracted she seems. Maybe it's from all the jumps, maybe just the strain of it all but she looks years older than the night we met at the café. It seems 100 years ago but it was only a few months in this thread. This is where she first trained me.
“Amy? Thanks for everything … you taught me everything I know.”
“I know and I’m sorry about all of this. I didn’t have much choice but I’m sorry I brought you here and got you involved in all of this.”
“Yeah … this part sucks but the rest of it was pretty awesome. I’d never been to Russia before.” She smiles at me. “Are you ok? You look … stressed out.”
“I’m just tired, it’s been a long haul. Go on, Kim. Do what you have to do. I’m going to go … and do what I have to do.” She reaches over to hug me. I give her a squeeze then get out of the car, dragging one of the backpacks with me. It has the tape player and the PCP vials. I can hear them clinking around.
“Be careful,” she calls out, waving through the window. I watch as she pulls off into traffic. I am alone. I trudge up the walkway to the Science Center. The campus is still bustling even at 6pm. I enter the Science Center as a student is leaving and he politely holds the door for me. I take the elevator up to that grungy old lounge and find it as abandoned as it was before. The view is still amazing though and I position my chair to enjoy the city lights. I plug in the tape player and turn the flutes on low. This is my first time going it alone; I want to make sure I do it right. I put a book on my lap so it will look like I have fallen asleep reading if anybody comes in. I pull out my spoon, sip the PCP, then tuck it away before it takes effect. I sit back and think about Phobos and Meer. I try to envision Mable and the lab and Patel and me, younger and happier. I feel ME grow and expand and mySELF begins to bob and disconnect from the here. I focus on younger me and Patel and Mable and Lab 19. I look for us on the horizon as I grow and expand. I am listing right and then falling back, and back and back.
Chapter 35
I’m in the lab. I’ve fallen asleep reading bioethics, again. I will never pass this class at this rate. I check my phone, 9:56pm. Time to pack up and head home. I look around the room warily again. I remember that something strange is going on. I’m turning off the light and closing the door because that is what I always do. I take another look at Mabel; something is nagging at me, but I shut the door and lock it anyway. As I leave the Science Center, another student is entering. She smiles at me. She’s cute and seems familiar, but I can’t place her. I mumble, “hi” and keep going. When I look back, she’s looking at me through the glass. Weird.
I can see the subway station when a hand yanks me from behind and another covers my mouth. The accent is thick and Russian. “Don’t even think about trying to fight. You are nothing to me and I will kill you like nothing if you give me any trouble. Get in and you might not get killed.” He shoves me into a green van and I tumble in. As he covers my mouth and nose, I have déjà vu. I remember this. I remember this. That’s my last thought before I lose consciousness.
I wake up cold and hungry and nauseous. I am lying on a floor … of a van. It’s moving. I open my eyes but don’t see anything but the floor rug and the feet of the person in the seat in front of me. I try not to move. I try to keep my breathing even. I am groggy but I keep thinking, ‘I remember this’. Over and over again until I vomit a little on the floor.
“Hey, she’s awake. Asshole just threw up all over the floor.”
I felt a kick in my ribs.
“I just cleaned this fucking van, you cunt.”
“Sorry.” I try to get up but my balance is off. The road is bumpy and I don’t feel like my head is clear. The phrase keeps repeating in the background of my brain while I try to work out what is going on.
“Are we almost there?” asks the man who abducted me in his thick, slow speech.
“What are you, my kids?” retorts the driver. He also has an accent, but it is not as thick as the big guy. He sounds smaller, nasally and quick. The big guy grunts, “Fuck you. I have to pee.”
Another big bump and my head bangs on the floor. I close my eyes. The van rumbles, the men talk, I smell urine. Gross. The driver turns up the radio. We drive for hours on a highway until the van veers right and slows down. I try to sit up again and feel a little stronger this time. I look out the window. We pass a slight figure on the side of the road bent over a pack or something. I stare as we go by straining to see who and why someone would be out here in the middle of the night. The figure looks up just as we turn a bend, but the pale face is a blur and the figure seems to fade away. I look ahead and see we are approaching a farmhouse. It is dark outside but the windows are glowing with light. Somebody is out front waiting for us. We park and the sound of the gravel gives me pause. As I am guided out the van and into the house, the déjà vu returns but even stronger. I remember this. I look around the house. I tune into the voices. Yes, I remember. I’m supposed to do something here. As we walk down into the cellar, my mission comes back to me. I’m supposed to blow this shit up! I stumble on the stairs. There is a chair, a sandwich, a bottle of water and a toilet with a ragged roll of toilet paper. I sit down. The bouncer guy says, “Wait here.”
I turn up to him and say, “For what?”
He shrugs, “You’ll find out soon enough. Eat. Wait.” He leaves. I remember this all now. I eat the whole sandwich for strength. I drink the water. I pee and use all the toilet paper. I won’t be here long. I look around, not sure if there are cameras, so I try to look random and desperate. I see etched in wood, just above the sink, the Prince sign. I smile, she was here. Thank God. OK. I try the doors and windows just for effect, I stamp my foot for good measure but I see the bomb under the stairs, just two little wires sticking out from the dust bunnies and frayed blankets. OK. I continue my pseudo-inspection around the room, but I’ve already seen the matches; they are taped underneath the chair, and a backup is taped under the windowsill. I slip that one in my hand and into my pocket. I try to be patient. I am nervous. I look at myself in the blac
kening mirror and try to find courage there. I don’t. The Prince sign helps though. She was here. Sujatha was here and she did what she was supposed to do. The cute girl at the Science Center! Yes, Sujatha, OK. She is supposed to wait until night to destroy the lab and Patel’s office. Less collateral damage that way. I just have to wait until Patel and Wasserman are here.
When the sky begins to lighten and I hear the first chirp of the morning (birdsong!), I pull the blue wire out with my foot to start the timer. That puts the bomb in standby mode. I have six hours until it goes off or I can pull the red wire to set it off manually. I should have plenty of time. I remember they came in the morning. I stand by the window and imagine the sunrise to come. I breathe deep and try to relax. I want to be sharp and focused. I imagine what is going on upstairs. I exhale. Then I hear tick… tick… tick … click coming from under the stairs … it dawns on me what is happening … and just as the room explodes around me I throw myself up, out and back with all my might.
∆∆∆
I awake with a jump, like from a bad dream. Head on a book, heart beating triple time, hands shaking. It takes a minute to calm myself and gather my thoughts. What happened, what happened? That was like six minutes, not six hours. I pick up my phone, which I must have dropped on the floor. It’s 9:57pm. I try to catch my breath, what to do, what to do? I don’t want to go back there. I can’t. Sujatha. I look around. I remember the cameras. I gather my things. I turn out the light. I wait in the hallway outside the door. I see the outside door open and someone is looking around. A moment later I hear her before I see her come down the hall.
“Psst!” She startles and rushes over to me.
“Kim? What are you doing? You are supposed to be getting abducted right now!”
“I did. I did go back but the bombs went off too early. It went off on me when I was alone!”
“What?!? I triple checked those timers, they were perfect. I swear it, Kim.”
“Are you sure? Because I almost got killed. Well, I will, I guess. Oh, God, I don’t want to die like that.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m sure the bombs were perfect when I left them.”
“Maybe the timers were defective?”
“No. I’m telling you I checked them. Maybe somebody messed with them.”
“Who would mess with them and still leave them there?”
“I don’t know.” She looks thoughtful. “Everybody agreed to the plan but maybe somebody sabotaged it.”
“You think it was one of us?” I am thunderstruck.
“Well, who else could it be? Who else knew where it was? And how it worked? It had to be one of us. … it wasn’t me though Kim. I swear.” I think back to the warehouse. I can’t imagine any of them trying to kill me. I just can’t. But then I recall the figure by the side of the road and I know who it was. My heart sinks. Amy? I don’t share my suspicions with Sujatha. I don’t want her to tell me I’m crazy but more than that, I don’t want her to tell me I’m right.
“Ok, what now? I have two more live bombs in my backpack for the lab and Patel’s office.”
I close my eyes and run through all possible scenarios until I have my solution.
“Ok, place the bombs in his office to go off six hours from now. I’m going back in.”
“Into the lab? For what?”
“I’m going back in this timeline and I’m going to mess up his experiment. I won’t let it succeed at all.”
“Ahh.”
“The bombs are just a backup, Ok?”
“Ok. But what does that mean for jumping into another thread?”
“It probably means I won’t be able to. But you will. Set the bombs and then go, go wherever you like.” Sujatha looks at me.
“And you’ll be stuck here.”
“Yeah. I’ll be stuck here. I don’t see any other way to be sure.”
“What about Phobos?”
“If I can get to it in 2A2, I can get to it here. I’ll be fine.” She leans in to kiss me and I lose myself in it until she pulls away.
“So, you really are the hero then huh?” I smirk. She shrugs on her backpack and gives me a mock salute.
“I hope I see you again Kim.”
“I hope so too!” I reply with a grin. She turns and rounds the corner to the elevators. I turn and put my key back in the lock to open the door to lab 19.
I switch on the light and close the door behind me. I sit down and work out my plan. My main concern is that I won’t remember. What reminder can I give myself in the past? I dig through my bookbag and find my calculator. I turn it off and then on again. It blinks the date 1 1 01 and the time 12:00am. It just blinks and blinks. I remember deciding not to set the date and time because that was just a waste of time. I mean who would set the date and time on a calculator? The same person who would use the alarm on a calculator. If I make that little change, I could set the alarm, maybe. It was worth trying. The alarm could go off every night, just after midnight, I bet that would remind me if I didn’t crush it out of annoyance first. I set the time and the alarm for 12:19, then I think back to that moment of not setting and I choose to set it. I see myself sigh in great annoyance and resignation because … what if I needed it one day and I watched/felt/decided to set the date and time. I hear the roar back in the back of my head, my eyes blur and the date appears on the calculator. I check the alarm; it is still on. I hope for the best and stuff it in my backpack. As I am dropping it back to the ground, I have another idea. I grab a small notepad, make a few notes, rip off the page and jam it into one of the inner pockets of my backpack. Satisfied, I shove it away.
Then I settle into my chair and try to remember the first time I came into this lab. This job seemed so cool. I remember giving Mabel her name, the first thing I sprayed on her was seawater, which I could tell she did not like, she seemed to turn a little brown and limpy. The rest were kind of hard to discern, they were mostly clear without much smell. Of course, now I know why but then I just thought they were too diluted. I look around and think I will be able to substitute the bottles easily. I say a quick prayer. Me, virtually an atheist, prayed. I’m all about covering my bases. I am confident that I won’t need any drugs to go back and I don’t. I close my eyes and think about giving the plant her name, Mabel. I think about how cool my first work-study job was and throw myself back there. I hear the roar, fall backward and land right where I was.
∆∆∆
I spray Mabel one last time and check my phone, it is 9:59pm. I pack up, turn out the lights and head out to the subway to get home. I am feeling pretty good about this semester. Classes are manageable, professors are interesting and challenging, and I just started a new cushy work-study assignment, which pays for all of my books with a little left over for food. I am feeling pretty satisfied with life.
That night I go to bed at 11:45pm only to be awakened by a tiny beeping sound. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from and I decide to go back to sleep.
The next night, I go to bed at 11:05pm and am jolted awake again by a tiny beeping sound. I remember it from the night before but am not getting up out of my bed. I put my covers over my head and go back to sleep.
The following night I am watching the Star Trek movie marathon when I hear the tiny beeping again. At the commercial, I get up to investigate. It isn’t in the den; it isn’t in the bathroom where I stop to pee and it isn’t in the kitchen, where I stop to pick up a couple more cookies. The noise stops and I go back to Star Trek and forget about it.
The next night I am up studying for a test and I hear the tiny beeping noise again. This time it is by my foot. I looked in my bookbag and pull out my calculator. It’s flashing “12:19am” and beeping. I am annoyed but relieved to have solved the mystery. As I enter the menu of the calculator to turn it off, I have déjà vu. I remember going into this menu, I remember setting the alarm but not for midnight, for 19… Lab 19. Mabel. Patel. The Spray. The Room. Jump? Jump. Choices. Changes. Sujatha. A bomb. Amy. Wasserman. Russia? Meer? It all
comes rushing back in a torrent of words and images and sounds and smells. The last and most intense thought is sabotage. Someone had sabotaged the plan. And I … I need to sabotage the experiment. I can’t comprehend all the ideas that were floating through my brain so I grab onto the one thing that seems imperative. Sabotage. It reverberated over and over again until I wrote it down on a piece of paper. Sabotage. I am scheduled to work tomorrow but I have this test first thing in the morning. Sabotage, ok, I tuck that away and go back to studying for my test. I need an A for my scholarship and nothing is going to mess with that. Nothing.
∆∆∆
After the test, I sit down on a bench just outside the Science Center and breathe. I am exhausted from pushing away thoughts of sabotage so I could focus on my test but I had done it. I am a beast at academics; I assure myself. But now, sabotage.
I close my eyes and try to let myself remember but the images are overwhelming. I pull out paper and pen instead, and I write. I learned stream of consciousness writing my senior year in high school. My English teacher made us do it every day for five minutes before we even said “Good Morning.” I do it now and think of him. Fifteen minutes later, I stop and look back at what I wrote. It is like some crazy acid-fueled poem. I had written with a multicolored pen and changed colors as I wrote. It scares me a little. I don’t quite believe it but on some level, I do. I was part of some kind of rebellion. I was on a mission and I had to destroy the experiment, the death star. Or Khan. And no one could know. Ridiculous and yet…
I’m not religious or a poet or a mystic. I believe in science. She is my God. Challenging and reassuring, she chooses when to hide or reveal great mysteries. She is at once unfathomable and yet transparent, and I am her faithful follower. I decide to trust that I am not crazy and that I have glimpsed the future and am needed to preserve it. I decide to believe myself and that what I have written is the truth. I am many things, but I am not prone to flights of fancy. So, I gather up my faith, buy a cheesesteak from Zo on the corner and go to my job in Lab 19.