Neither Here Nor There
Page 28
As soon as I enter, I see the cameras and I peek the metal. I swap out some of the liquid in the vials with hydrogen peroxide and set it aside to be tested at a lab in Delaware. It takes two weeks to come back, but there was LSD in one and PCP in the other. After that confirmation, I swap out the liquids each and every time. I am very careful about the camera. I pretend to conduct the experiments and complete the required paperwork. I even give Patel the cheek swab he asks for with no questions asked. I feign apathy. I do this for the entire semester. I lose the stream of consciousness papers. I think they went out in a moment of overzealous recycling.
Regular life continues. I enjoy my other classes, I make a few new friends, I hook-up with a girl at Bryn Mawr, and I get a few new tattoos. I run into an old friend from high school and we start hanging out. She’s not my type, but, there’s something about her I like.
∆∆∆
When I come back to school in the fall, I get the same work-study assignment with Dr. Patel in Lab 19. He seems anxious when we meet to review the protocols but I smile and nod and when he leaves, continue my sabotage. I can hardly remember how or why I started but I know I must continue.
Then one night, after I leave work, there is a terrible fire in the Science Building. I see it on the news as soon as I get home that night. It was some kind of explosion they say. The next day, I am called in to talk to the police with all the rest of the work-study students. The lab is destroyed along with Patel’s office and all the offices and labs on the east side of the building. Professor Patel is so shaken up, he takes an immediate leave of absence and my work-study is re-assigned to the Science Library next door. Every day, I go to class and watch them demolish the building. The next semester, I watch as they rebuild it. And I have dreams. Crazy dreams of being pregnant, an old warehouse, color lines on tissue-thin paper, sex on a blazing hot beach, and frosted Russian spires.
∆∆∆
I receive the NASA fellowship I’ve always wanted for two glorious summers in a row and I do my best to make the most of it. Then I apply to MIT for graduate school and am accepted. I get a scholarship for a full ride from The Amy Archeletta Foundation. The name sounds vaguely familiar but I can’t place it. Apparently, the CEO is a young but ultra-rich heiress with millions to donate, mostly to women in the sciences. The application came in the mail and I filled it out on a whim. Three months later, when the award letter arrived, it is very brief and on very expensive stationary. I am fascinated by the Foundation’s logo because it doesn’t seem very scientific or even businesslike. It is a flower with seven red petals, and each petal is a tear-drop mandala. I stare at it for a long time until my eyes wander to the amount of the award. Then that is all I can think about and I cry for joy as I run down the hall to show my mom.
She is sitting on the edge of her bed, combing out my sister’s hair while they both try to figure out the clues on Wheel of Fortune. I stop at the threshold of the room. I remember doing this exact same thing on the exact same edge of the exact same bed with my mom. Is that what we looked like? Me, annoyed at the pulling of hair but distracted enough and wise enough to keep my mouth shut. My mother going about the job of it, detangling and smoothing and braiding and twisting on the barrette without even looking. The ease of their companionship makes me ache with regret. That was me, that was us, before. My mother hears my sigh and looks up to see the tears in my eyes.
“What’s the matter? You miss getting your hair done?” she teases. I kinda do but I don’t tell her that. I just hold out the award letter. She nudges Maya to hold the end of her braid while she takes the paper and reads it. Her mouth slowly drops open then I see her close her eyes tight. I know she is thanking God. She gently moves Maya out the way and stands up to face me.
“Kim. This is such a blessing. I’m so happy for you and proud of you. I really am. You done good. Real good for yourself.” And then she opens her arms to hug me and I fall into the embrace and sob. I feel Maya’s skinny arms reach around my waist while my mother just holds me.
“What happened? Why are you crying, Kim?” she asks. I can’t speak.
“Your sister is on her way to the moon, Maya, straight to the moon and she is so happy she can’t do nothing else but cry about it.”
I laugh and think to myself, ‘Mars, Mom, I’m on my way to Mars’. I wipe my tears, we disentangle, and Mom and Maya resume their positions on the edge of the bed. I sit cross-legged behind them, determined to guess the clues first. My mom can’t stop smiling, neither can I.
∆∆∆
Graduation is hot, long and mostly boring but actually feels like a beginning rather than the end. Afterward, in the chaos of families trying to find their graduates, I’m standing up on a step, scanning the crowd for my mother when someone speaks in my ear.
“Hey, big shot! You looked pretty good up there.” I turn, gasp with happiness and just grab her.
“Jen! Oh, I’m so glad to see you.” She laughs and hugs me back. We rock side to side until I pull away and look at her.
“Where have you been? I miss you! How did you get here? Were you here the whole time?” I pull her back in a hug.
“Ok, ok already, you are pulling my hair out!” She laughs, takes a step back and hands me a small wrapped box. I unwrap it and remove the lid. It’s a silver necklace with a star-shaped pendant. The center of the pendant is a small dark gray bulbous rock. I look up at her.
“Is this a meteorite?” She nods, I laugh and give her another hug and kiss on the cheek.
“Congratulations Kim! I am so happy for you. Your mom told me you were going to MIT. I just wanted you to keep your dream close to you, always in sight.”
“Thank you so much. It’s perfect.”
“Jen!” My mother, Walter, Maya and Lil’ Walt weave through the crowd. My mom gives Jen a hug.
“It’s so good to see you. We’ve really missed you. Brittney is growing up so nice, though.”
Jen steps back, her smile falters a bit.
“It’s good to see you, too.” She turns to me and says, “I know you all have plans. I’m gonna go. I just really wanted to see you graduate.”
“Come to lunch with us, there’s plenty of room in the car.”
“No, I can’t. Thank you, but I have to go back to New York …” She starts to back up and wave her hands in a good-bye. But I can’t let her go. I step down and in between, blocking out my family. I speak in low tones so only Jen will hear me.
“You are my family as much as any of them. If you don’t want to come to lunch, that’s fine but I don’t want to lose touch with you, again. Give me your phone...please?” She reluctantly hands it to me. I look at the password protection and type in the word, “Beyonce”. It opens. I look up at her shaking my head.
“Still? Really? So predictable … sad … pathetic, really.”
“What!? I love her!”
I type in my contact information, then hit dial. My phone rings. It’s the Star Trek anthem. She laughs and I hand her back her phone. “Now, I’ll call you later. There are a bunch of parties tonight, ok?” She’s quiet. “I don’t want to go alone. Stay for one night. Come on. It’ll be fun. Like old times, I promise. I’ll see if I can find Kendra, too. Maybe she’s still in town.” She looks around, then back at me and sighs.
“Ok. Call me.” She waves good-bye and walks into the crowd. I turn to look at my family who are all grinning at me.
“Where are we going to eat? I’m starving.”
∆∆∆
For graduation, my mother and Walter bought me a new laptop/briefcase. It is expensive, beautiful and perfect. I empty out my old backpack, finding old pens and paper clips, grimy coins and hard, forgotten pieces of gum. I also find a small sheet of notebook paper. It is covered with a few variations of a strange chemical equation involving gamma waves and PCP and silver. The handwriting is mine though I don’t remember writing it. I am just about to crumple it up and toss it when I notice a word squeezed in at the very bottom. Phobos. I stop an
d stare at the word, something in me buzzing. I refold the note and tuck it into my wallet. I bet I can figure this out when I get to MIT.
THE END
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank NaNoWriMo again for giving me an assignment and a deadline and helping me get this book out of my head and onto a laptop. That was the fun part. For the harder parts, I was helped by my real-life friends and colleagues who gave me the most precious gift in this hectic world – their time.
Thank you, Loretta Brown, for editing the first draft of the book. Your detailed insights and grammar notes were invaluable. Thank you to my beta readers, Teresa Miller, Lou Iatarola, Carla Fisher and Kelly Ward for reading and sharing your thoughts and feedback with me. It really helped to improve the story and I’m ever so grateful. Thank you to Aishah Shahidah Simmons for helping me to connect with other authors I would never have been able to reach. Thank you to Kristal Sotomayor and Eric Hunter, who have been wonderful teammates in my quest to get this novel out into the world.
Finally, I want to acknowledge my partner, Kelly Ward, and our children who remain a constant source of love, support and humility as I try to do this whole author thing.
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