Offside

by Bianca Sommerland

  “You couldn’t have known, Tim. None of us could have.” Zach inhaled slowly. Losing it wouldn’t fix anything. Not that anything could really be fixed. There was plenty of false blame to hand around, but doing that would be pointless. Tim was right. Zach watched Jimmy’s car speed away, positive that the man wouldn’t go far. He’d be back, and Scott needed to be prepared to deal with him. And not alone. “I’ll let Scott know you were here. That way he has both of us. And Becky, if he’s comfortable telling her—which I hope he is.”

  “You have my number. You let him know he can call me whenever he needs to.” Tim’s lips were white, but he straightened, jerking at his suit jacket, his resolve firm in his eyes. “You let him know he’s not that little boy anymore, with no one—” His voice caught. He cleared his throat. “He has you and Becky. Me. The team. We’ll help him work through this.”

  “I’ll let him know.” Zach frowned as Tim turned toward the parking lot. “You’re not coming in?”

  “Naw, I’ll swing by later. I need to see my niece. Maybe it sounds weird, but after that I have the strangest urge to hold Amia and promise I’ll never let anyone hurt her.”

  “Doesn’t sound weird at all.” Zach inclined his head at Tim, then pulled his phone out of his pocket. He tried to keep his tone as normal as possible, but Tracy knew something was wrong. He couldn’t tell her, but she seemed to understand when he asked, “Can I talk to Mathew for a minute? I just need to tell him I love him. And that I’m always here . . . don’t ask.”

  “I won’t. It’s always good for a kid to hear that anyway.” Her tone was full of understanding. She was good like that. “Mathew, your uncle wants to talk to you. What?” She paused. “Yes, the one that totally rocks. You can tell him all about how awesome he played. I’m sure he’d like to know that you were watching. And he’s got something to tell you too.”

  * * * *

  Scott laughed as Carter and Hunt lingered by the door, blocking Mason and Ramos from coming in, Carter once again asking to see his spots. Little pain in the ass. Scott secured the sheet over his waist and pulled down his hospital gown to reveal his chest. He poked at one particularly itchy mark, already starting to scab over, using the opportunity to scratch at it while Becky wasn’t looking.

  “Nasty, aren’t they?” He dropped his hand to his side as Becky glanced up from her magazine. He was only allowed two visitors at a time, but apparently, Becky didn’t count. The nurse seemed to think it would be good for his “wife” to keep an eye on him. He gave her his most charming smile. “They itch like hell, but I’m being a good boy and not touching them.”

  “Liar!” Carter snickered as Ramos dragged him out into the hall. “If you need someone to tie him up, Becky, I’ll so do it.”

  “Freak.” Scott gave Carter the finger, then sat forward to listen to Ramos and Mason’s recount of the game. He’d already heard it, but he couldn’t get enough. Damn, he wished he could have been there! He grinned as Ramos described a fight Mason had gotten into after one of the Rangers’ brutes had slashed Carter. Ramos gave Mason a nod of thanks as he finished with how Mason had taken the man down. Carter had shown off the stiches on his jaw. Less self-conscious about his scars than he once was. Ramos had done that.

  Carter was doing really well with the big Spaniard. Scott had to admit, he used to be a little jealous of what Carter had with Ramos and Jami, but now it was just awesome to see Carter being the same, easygoing, smart-talking, little shit he’d always been. More confident. More comfortable in his own skin.

  ‘Cause I’m getting there too. Yeah, he’d started off needing to prove himself to stay on the team, but Zach and Becky had motivated him a lot. And he finally believed he was good enough for them. Part of him knew they’d be fine without him, but they wanted him. Best of all, he’d helped them too. Waking up to see them cuddled up on that small chair-bed had made him feel big enough to conquer the fucking world. But he didn’t have to go that far. All that mattered was making sure the two people he loved more than anything were together. And with him. And happy.

  Zach slipped into the room, standing near the door, looking a little grey—like someone had just told him he was being traded to the Bruins or something. Scott’s smile slipped as Zach asked Ramos and Mason if he could speak to Scott. Alone.

  Fuck, if he’s been traded, I’m . . . I’m going with him. Even if I have to give up the game. The thought made his muscles tense as though his whole body objected. Never stepping onto the ice again? Never scoring another goal? Could he do it?

  It wouldn’t be easy, but he could. He would.

  What about Becky?

  Leaving her would . . . no. He wouldn’t leave her. He’d talk her into coming too. The three of them could figure things out. There must be good schools for Casey in Boston?

  Who said anything about Boston?

  Okay, he was thinking worst-case scenario here. He had to rein it in and wait for Zach to tell him what they were dealing with. People in relationships made decisions like this together, right? Zach could say no. Fight the trade or . . . damn, what if it was something else? Something worse?

  “Scott, I need to tell you something.” Zach’s features stiffened, as though he was trying not to show how upset he was. He wasn’t covering very well. Becky stood, moving toward Zach, reaching out to him. Zach hugged her, then whispered something. He looked at Scott. “It’s up to you whether or not you want Becky to stay.”

  “Of course I want her to stay!” Scott didn’t feel good lying in bed while Zach was being all serious and weird. He moved to stand, then shifted to the other side of the bed when his IV tugged at his hand. His stomach rolled. He couldn’t wait to get the damn thing out. “It’s the three of us, right? There’s nothing you can say that I’d want to keep from her. Just spit it out, you’re scaring me.”

  Zach rubbed Becky’s arms, then nodded and came to sit on the edge of the bed. He took a deep breath. “I saw your brother. Spoke to him.”

  The earth did a nosedive under Scott’s feet. He reached for the bed and latched on to the rail. Jimmy was here. What did he want? Scott had sent him twenty-thousand dollars. Maybe he should just send him a clean million and tell him to take a hike. But it wouldn’t be enough. It would never be enough.

  “Where is he?”

  “I asked him to leave.”

  Oh, fuck. Scott knew Jimmy. Jimmy wouldn’t have just walked away. He had to be desperate to come all the way down here. He owed people. And those people would agree that his rich brother should be able to cover him. They’d sent someone.

  Scott pulled at the IV stuck into his hand, making a frustrated sound when Becky grabbed his wrist. “Babe, you have to let me go. I’ll go see my brother. He just needs a bit of help, then he’ll go away.”

  “Why would you want your brother to go away?” Becky looked from him to Zach, not letting Scott go. “Someone please talk to me.”

  “Jimmy wants money. He always wants money from you, Scott.” Zach blinked fast, his eyes shiny, his lips pressed together so hard they turned white. “He thinks you owe him. He told me why.”

  “No.” The whole world froze. His heart stopped beating. He twisted away from Becky and backed into the bed. Something warm oozed between his fingers. He shook his head. Kept shaking it. Jimmy wouldn’t have done that. He wouldn’t have told anyone. No one needed to know. “You’re lying. Jimmy told you he wanted money. I can see that. But that’s it. I’ll give him the money. I don’t need it.”

  “Scott . . .” Zach came closer, but Scott couldn’t let him. Not if he knew. He wouldn’t get it.

  If he knew, he wouldn’t want Scott anymore. He’d see him for what he was. Someone who would take any opportunity given to him. Someone who was only good for one thing.

  But Zach should know. He should know everything. Scott’s bottom lip quivered. He bit it hard. He wouldn’t be weak now. He’d be strong enough to admit that Zach deserved better than him. That Becky did. They both deserved better.

&nb
sp; “Get away from me.” Scott held his hand up to keep Zach away. Zach stayed where he was. “How much did he tell you? Did he tell you how I sold myself to play the game? For nice clothes and good meals? Did he tell you how I wanted it so much that I would do anything? Because it’s true. It’s fucking true and I don’t—” His words caught. He forced them out. “—I don’t regret it. It didn’t matter. I loved the game. I love the game. I’m here now, and that’s all that counts.”

  “That’s not true, Scott.” Zach shifted as though he was having a hard time not closing the distance between them. “You were a child. You were ten years old, and she was supposed to take care of you.”

  “I knew what I wanted. Don’t look at me like that!” Scott voice cracked as Becky’s hand hovered over her throat and her lips parted. She held out her hand, tears streaming down her face, face pale with shock. He shook his head. “Don’t pity me. It wasn’t bad. She loved me and she did take care of me. But not Jimmy. I tried to help him, but it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough because she had something with me she didn’t have with him. She gave him more when I—” Becky’s tears were killing him. A fucking blunt dagger stabbing straight into his heart. “Don’t. Becky, please don’t. You’re seeing it all wrong. I wanted it. I was . . . mature for my age. You’re not seeing it right.”

  “Scott, you were a baby.” Becky made a soft, hushing sound. “Please listen to me. I know you’re upset. You have every right to be. But you have to see—”

  “See what?” Scott ground his teeth as the nurse rushed into the room. Fuck, they might as well broadcast this to the whole world. The press would love this. Poor him. He’d had sex young. So fucking what? “Please give us a minute.”

  “Sir, you really should . . .” The nurse took a deep breath and shook her head. “The doctor will be signing you out shortly. I’ll let you finish this.”

  Finish this. Damn right, they would. He waited for the door to close, then sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. “Becky, you don’t know what I was like back then.” He let out a sharp laugh. “I bet you can guess though! I was sneaking peeks at the pornos with the older kids. Wondering what it would be like. To have a woman want you, to have them touch you . . . You two apparently want the truth, so here it is. I liked it when she touched me. It felt good. I didn’t . . . I couldn’t go all the way for a bit, but she waited. She took her time with me. Gave me what every young man fantasizes about.” Becky’s expression made him want to hold her. To explain things to her gently. To tell her that men were different. Fuck, she had a little girl and she was probably thinking . . . but it wasn’t the same. Not at all. “Becky, you can’t . . . I know it’s hard, but picture me. Just a bit smaller. It’s really not a big deal. Boys want to be men. She helped me become a man.”

  “Do you really believe that? You didn’t ever want . . .” Becky gulped in air like she was drowning. Shook her head. “Want her to just love you without asking for anything in return?”

  “She took in two kids when our parents couldn’t take care of us. She didn’t have things easy. Her husband was mean. He couldn’t do it for her. I did.” Scott pressed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see how things had been. He didn’t want to go back there.

  But he did, because maybe it could help him make things clear. He remembered the first time she’d come to his bed. Crying, telling him that her husband said she was ugly because she was fat. She wasn’t fat. She was soft and warm, so different from his mother who had been skinny. Hard. Cold. His mother held him to shut him up. She’d covered his mouth and hissed at him to be quiet because his father was talking to important people. His foster mother had let him cry. Let him ask about his mother and his father. And she’d told him the truth.

  His parents were losers. But he didn’t have to be like them. He was good looking. Strong. Talented. And she knew he would be someone. She just needed him to be there for her like she’d be there for him. To make her feel loved. Worth something. Yeah, sometimes it felt weird. Like when she’d made him call her “Mommy.” When he just wanted to sleep and she wouldn’t stop. When . . .

  Damn it, he couldn’t let what Becky and Zach thought change what had really happened. He’d been a bit skinny at the beginning but never a little boy. She’d given him treats. And the rum. He took a deep breath, staring down at his socked feet. Little boys didn’t drink rum.

  “You must think I’m disgusting. To find out I was like this, even then.” His lips formed a hard smile. “It just sucks, you know? All that work ‘improving’ myself, but I can’t change what I’ve already done.”

  “What she did, Scott.” Zach grabbed a towel from the small pile on the table by the window. He latched on to Scott’s wrist, then gently cleaned the dried blood from his hand. He held tight when Scott tried to pull away. “And that doesn’t change how I feel about you. Not in the least.”

  Becky sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out as though to touch Scott’s hair. Pausing as though she wasn’t sure he’d want her to. “This has changed nothing for me either, Scott.”

  He shook his head, taking her hand and pressing it to the side of his face. “Then why are you afraid to touch me?”

  “I’m not.” Fresh tears spilled from Becky’s eyes. She moved her hand down a bit and stroked her thumb over his bottom lip. “I’m afraid with all this being brought up, you might not want me to.”

  Oh God. How could she even think—he let out a sharp sound, speaking without thinking. “I’m not some kind of victim, Becky. I want you to touch me. You’re not like any other woman I’ve ever been with. And you’re nothing like her. It never feels wrong when I’m with you.”

  Neither Becky or Zach said a word. Becky just kept her hand on his face. Looking at him with . . . not with pity. More like she was waiting for something. Zach’s expression held more of the same.

  He rolled his eyes, sneering as he felt the warmth of tears spilling down his own cheek, moistening Becky’s fingertips. “Is that what you want to hear? That it felt wrong?” He bit into his cheek hard, hoping the pain from that and the dull throb in his head would toughen him up a bit. He didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for him. “It did. Sometimes it made me sick. But I never said no. I never fought.” He turned away from Zach’s level gaze. “I could have stopped her if I’d wanted to. I never tried.”

  “Never, Scott?” Zach asked, quietly.

  “Not loud enough. Not hard enough.” Scott recalled the weak efforts he’d made. They didn’t count for anything. “Look at me, Zach. You really believe she overpowered me? Forced herself on me?”

  Zach pulled out his phone. Tapped the screen and revealed a picture he must have found before coming to the room. Scott went perfectly still as he stared at a picture of himself. He couldn’t have been more than ten or eleven, a scrawny little thing. Posing for a picture with his brand new hockey stick, holding it all wrong, but something about his expression . . . it was like he thought someone would take it away. And he had. He’d believed all the good things would be taken away.

  “I believe that she was a horrible woman. That what she did to you was despicable. She had no right to . . .” Zach took a deep breath. “And somewhere, deep inside, I think you know that too.”

  The doctor knocked at the door. Just in time, because Scott really didn’t know what to say. He tried to listen to the doctor’s instructions, took his prescriptions, then signed all the necessary paperwork. Had Becky and Zach wait in the hall while he got dressed. Didn’t argue when an orderly came with a wheelchair to roll him out. He felt utterly drained. This whole stupid conversation had taken what little energy the stupid virus had left. He was glad that Zach didn’t demand that he talk more when they got to Becky’s car. Or when they got to her house.

  But it wasn’t over. There was still Jimmy to deal with. And eventually this would all come up again. Whether it was Becky or Zach just wanting to make sure he was okay. Or a nightmare that woke him up screaming. Screaming those words he’d whispered as a child
.

  No! Don’t, please don’t!

  Because somewhere deep, deep down inside, he’d known then as he knew now.

  It was wrong.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  “Stop.”

  Becky rolled over and took a deep breath as she stared at the baby monitor she’d set up on her nightstand. Neither Scott nor Zach knew she’d hooked one up in the den and in the basement. Zach had been too busy making sure Scott was comfortable on the sofa bed, then distracting Casey while Becky made sure Scott took his meds and covered all his spots with calamine lotion. The image of Zach sitting across from Casey on the floor, sipping iced tea from a teacup he looked afraid to break, had made drifting off to sleep a little easier.

  Poor Casey. Her baby felt so bad about Scott being sick. She blamed herself for feeding him soup and giving him her germs. Then insisted Becky make him more since he liked it so much.

  Through the baby monitor, Becky could hear Zach speaking softly. Trying to calm Scott without waking him. Letting Scott know he was there. That Scott was safe.

  “Stop! I said stop! I said it!” Scott let out a choked sob and raw pain clenched deep in Becky’s chest. She hurried across the room to grab her housecoat, slipping by Casey’s room with a glance in to make sure her daughter was still asleep.

  Part of her had wondered if she was doing the right thing. She needed Scott here. Where she could take care of him. Where she could make sure that he’d really be okay. But was she doing the right thing as a mother? Without giving any details, she’d called her own mother to see what she thought. He mother had been with the same man most of her life, but she’d faced her own obstacles. Issues with her family, with Daddy’s, letting her brother, and once her cousin stay with them during hard times. Becky couldn’t recall any of those long visits affecting her own schedule.