Not Another Soldier

by Holt, Samantha

  Just for the moment.

  Settle back into work and normal life, and see what happens. I assume Nick’s planning to stay a lot more at my place seeing as he’s dumped half his stuff at my apartment now. I’m surprised he hasn’t set up his X-box there yet.

  The warmth of his hand on mine seeps into me and makes me lose my train of thought. When I peer up at him, he’s staring at me in that way that makes my skin tingle. Deep blue eyes take in every fragment of me, and I can’t resist lifting my free hand and running it along his rough jaw.

  Damn, this man is sexy with his slightly crinkled eyes and raw features. Just looking at him makes my mouth water. And then he leans down to brush his lips across mine and steals my breath too.

  Yeah, I definitely have some thinking to do. But I’m not going to do it just yet.

  Tomorrow. I’ll think about marrying him tomorrow.

  ***

  Well I haven’t had a single second to think. God, I can’t wait for this shift to end. It hasn’t been a bad one and the day shift tends to go more quickly, but knowing Nick is waiting for me back at the apartment makes my feet twitch. I itch to feel his hard body pressed against mine and his strong lips tasting my mouth.

  I smile to myself and one of my colleagues catches it and shakes her head. Most of the nurses have noticed the change in me today. I feel lighter. It’s such a cliché but it’s like I’m floating. Even dealing with a patient’s frustrated husband and a confused old man who was really angry about not being allowed to smoke didn’t faze me.

  Glancing at the clock, I pat Mrs. Pohlman’s arm and hook up her N.G. tube. “I’m finishing in a minute, Mrs. Pohlman. I’ll be back in tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, dear. Enjoy your time with your new boyfriend.”

  My cheeks heat. I haven’t told her anything about him but I guess gossip must be flying around the ward after my time off, and I know Nick’s appearance in the lobby after I was attacked probably drew some attention.

  “Thank you.”

  The night shift nurses have already started to come in so we gather around the office desk at one end of the ward and start rounds. Thankfully, it’s been a quiet shift so there’s not much to tell. I can’t wait to get out of here.

  “Oh, Sienna, do you know a Mandy Smith?” the head nurse, June, asks me as I get up to leave.

  “I don’t think so. Why?”

  “She was being admitted as I came in. She’s from Fort Worth. I just wondered if you had been friends with her.”

  I rub my forehead. “I don’t think so.”

  “Shame. I heard them saying she’s got no family around and her husband’s away. Suspected miscarriage.”

  My heart pangs for her. “Where is she?”

  “E.R.”

  “I’ll pop down and see her. Maybe I can get in touch with someone from the base for her.”

  “Thanks, Sienna.” June grins, a twinkle in her eye. “Enjoy your evening.”

  I roll my eyes. Does everyone know about Nick? “I will. See you tomorrow.”

  Grabbing my handbag, I take the lift down to the emergency department. One of the nurses directs me to a bay when I ask for her. When I find her and draw back the green plastic curtain, I’m surprised by how young she is. Probably younger than I was when I first married Rob. Twenty-one maybe.

  “Mandy?”

  “Yes?” Wide pale blue eyes stare at me. Her skin is ashen, her eyes sunken.

  The slender blonde girl looks so scared, I want to bundle her in my arms. I come to her side and put a hand to her arm. “My name is Sienna. I used to live in Fort Worth. I was just wondering if there was anyone I could get hold of for you? I still have the numbers of a few of the military wives. One of the nurses said your husband was away?”

  “He is.” Mandy bites her lip. “I don’t know anyone though. We’ve only been there a little while and my family is from Texas.”

  She looks on the verge of tears. “It’s okay, honey. I’ll stay with you.”

  “They say I’m losing the baby. I begged Tom not to go. I knew this would happen.”

  I draw in a breath. God, it’s so unfair. “Everything will be okay,” I assure her though I’m not sure I believe it. She’s so young. Will she ever get over the loss of her baby? Will she ever forgive her husband for going? Yes, he’s just doing his job, but it doesn’t stop the bitterness you feel, knowing the job is more important than you. I remember it well. Will I feel the same about Nick if I marry him? I know he won’t go on tour but that doesn’t mean he won’t be away and he’ll always have the military dictating his life, whatever he seems to think.

  A tear escapes down her cheek and I wrap my arm around her.

  “Are you still an army wife?” she asks.

  “No. My-my husband died.”

  “I’m sorry. Was he shot?”

  “No. He died in a car accident.”

  “Do you miss the army life?”

  I pause as I try to think how to answer this. Do I lie and tell her it will get better? “It’s not been very long for me. But I never got into it like some women do.”

  “I don’t think I ever will either.” She winces and clutches her stomach. “Oh, God, it’s all… wet… down there,” she whispers.

  “Can I look? I’m a nurse.” I motion to my uniform.

  Mandy nods and I lift the sheets. Blood has pooled all over the bed beneath her. Years of keeping a poker face means I don’t react but it’s not good. She’s lost a lot of blood.

  “I’m just going to get a nurse.” I offer a gentle smile. “Try to relax. Everything will be fine.” I grit my jaw as I hurry to grab a nurse. I’m not so sure everything really will be fine. Problem is I don’t know if I mean Mandy or myself.

  ***

  Nick

  A key in the door rattles and I’m instantly on alert. I straighten and turn to watch Sienna enter the apartment. I’ve been on the fucking edge all day waiting for her to come home. Truthfully, I don’t know how women do it. I’ve still got some leave but I think I’m going to have to go back to work tomorrow. It’s driving me truly insane.

  Of course, it doesn’t help I spent most of the day worrying about her. One brief text saying she was tied up was all I got. Even a long session at the gym didn’t help. Hell, I even cleaned up and that didn’t get rid of my tension.

  She drops her bag by the door and gives me a weak smile. “Oh, you’re here. I didn’t know if you would be.”

  My gut twists. Something is up. I don’t like that washy look in her eyes. What happened to being thrilled to see me? What happened to her looking like she’s ready to jump into bed with me at any moment? ‘Cause that’s pretty much how she’s been looking at me for the past few days.

  “I was worried.” It comes out harsher than I meant and I feel like I’m snapping at her. “I was about to call the cops.”

  “I’m sorry. I did text.” She frowns and her cheeks redden a little but I don’t think it’s with remorse. She seems angry. “I am busy, you know? I can’t just drop everything because of you.”

  I stand and hold my hands up. “I didn’t mean it like that, Sienna. But you gotta realize that with everything going on I’d be concerned. One text a few hours ago didn’t really cut it.”

  Sienna tugs out her ponytail and shakes loose her hair. I’m torn between pacing forward and burying my fingers in that hair, and kissing her until every ounce of anger is gone, or storming out before I lose my temper. How can she not understand how worried I was for her? It’s not like I’m being possessive. She’s just had a run-in with some dangerous criminals. Of course I’m going to be shitting myself when I don’t hear from her.

  But before I can react, she glares at me and storms past into the bedroom. I follow her in.

  “You’re not my keeper, Nick,” she says as she unzips her uniform.

  Cute yellow polka dot panties and a matching bra greet me, and I clench my fists at my sides. I sit on the bed to prevent me from grabbing her. Christ, all that skin is e
nough to test any man’s strength. I hunger to start peeling her underwear off. To lick and taste each piece of skin as I reveal it, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t take too well to that.

  She walks around me, apparently oblivious to my agony and pulls out some full-length fleece pajamas. Once they’re on, I understand why she went through that. It’s like a defense. Maybe she thinks making herself look all scruffy will put me off.

  She’s wrong.

  “I didn’t mean to snap, babe,” I try.

  “I know,” she responds tightly, pausing to study me on her bed.

  I kinda expect her to come into my arms and kiss me, but instead she turns on her heels and strides into the kitchen to put the coffee pot on. I’m forced to trail after her again like a lost puppy. It’s pretty humiliating. A damned Marine acting like a fussing housewife. Perched on the bar stool, I concentrate on sucking in breaths through my nose. I am starting to get a little irritated and I really don’t want to blow my top with her. I don’t want to blow anything right now. I’m having to tread carefully again, not quite sure whether I should advance or retreat. Damn and I thought I’d made good progress yesterday.

  “What’s going on, short stuff?”

  “Nothing.” She pours out a coffee. “You want one?”

  “No.” I know she’s using it as a distraction.

  Adding milk and sugar to her coffee, she barely looks at me. Her body is rigid, her eyes dimmed. This girl… I remember her. This was what she looked like when she’d been forced to put up with another of Rob’s shenanigans. Resigned and hopeless. I never believed I’d see her looking like that around me.

  “Sienna, I know you and I know something’s up. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  I reach across to grasp her hand but she clenches it around her cup. Taking a small sip, she closes her eyes, opens them and places the coffee down on the counter.

  “I don’t think I can do this.”

  I cock my head, unsure if I heard right. She said it so quietly. “Do what?”

  “This. Us.” She motions between us. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

  Fuck. I reach around and rub the back of my neck. I was waiting for this in a way but after yesterday, I’d convinced myself it wasn’t going to happen. I thought she was confident enough in herself now—and in us—to move on.

  “What’s changed? You knew what you were getting into before so why the sudden change of heart? Don’t you love me?”

  I watch the fragile skin of her neck gulp and I want to kick myself for my harsh tone. I’ve fought so hard to make her mine and I can feel her slipping through my fingers. It was torture before, loving her and not being able to have her, but I’m not sure I’ll survive knowing she loves me, remembering what it’s like to have her in my arms, while not being able to have her as mine.

  Tears sparkle when she lifts her gaze to mine. “Of course I love you. But all this… it’s been crazy. I need some time, Nick. I’ve only just buried Rob—”

  The mention of him makes my nostrils flare. “Rob,” I spit and stand, my stool screeching back. “You use him as an excuse not to get close to me. You never loved him like you love me, so why does he always get brought into this? I am not Rob.”

  “I know you’re not. I’m not stupid, but I suffered for five years in a loveless marriage. Do you know how horrible it is knowing you’re not enough for someone? Lying in bed knowing they’re fucking someone else? Seeing the disappointment in their eyes when they realize what they’ve married? He made me weak and pathetic and I can’t let myself get like that. In spite of it all, I still worried for him, still found myself fearful of him getting shot. And I don’t even know why! It’s because I’m fucking weak, Nick, and I can’t do that again.”

  I step back, slightly reeling from the outpour. It’s nothing I didn’t know but she’s never voiced it like that. The bitterness and fear in her tone eats at me. “Caring for someone isn’t weak, Sienna. You’re a caring person, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  She presses her shaking palms to the countertop. “I just need time. That’s all I’m asking.”

  I set my jaw. “Things won’t change. I’ll still love you and you’ll still love me. We need each other, short stuff. That won’t change. Why put us through that?”

  “I might need you, but I don’t know if I want you. I don’t know if I want this. There was a woman at the hospital today, she’d had a miscarriage. Her husband was away and they’d just moved. You could tell the strain was killing her and had probably caused the miscarriage. I don’t want that to happen to me—to us. I don’t want to resent you and the job that you love.”

  Does she have any idea how painful her words are? I don’t get it. It won’t seem to slot into place in my brain. Surely if she loves me as much as I love her she’d be willing to do anything? I even said I’d quit the Marines for her. The job I wanted to do since I was a boy. But Sienna doesn’t seem to be able to make the same choices.

  “I’m not saying it will be easy.” I speak carefully, wary of my temper flaring inside. “But when is a relationship ever easy?”

  “I don’t even know if I want a relationship.” Sienna comes around the counter and jabs at my chest with her finger. “You were the one that pushed for this. You know that. And you pushed me before I was ready.”

  “How long do you expect me to wait?” I snatch her wrist and hold it away from me. “How long, Sienna? I’ve been a patient guy. I sat there and held your hand while you were dealing with your marriage and I’ve been here while you pick up the pieces. There’s only so much a guy can take.”

  “I didn’t ask you to help!” She tries to pull her wrist from my grip and her eyes widen when I refuse to let her go.

  I’m kinda scared to let her go. None of this is going well. I’m too angry and frustrated to think straight, and what happened at the hospital today has clearly confused her.

  “Let me go,” she demands quietly and I don’t know if she’s talking about her arm or her. For good.

  I swing my gaze from her wrist to her wary gaze and back again. The last act of a desperate man. That’s what this will be. Instead of releasing her, I use her arm to pull her close and wrap my arms around her before she can escape. I lower my mouth to hers and kiss her hard. She lets out a squeak of surprise and struggles against me.

  Idiot that I am, I thought she’d melt in my arms but her lips are clenched tightly shut and she’s fighting me. Shit. I release her, burned and ashamed. Sienna stumbles back against the counter and grips the side. Her cheeks are red and indignation—maybe even a little fear—blazes bright in her eyes.

  I turn, slam my palm against the wall and take a breath. Damn it to hell, I’ve just proved myself no better than Rob. Without looking at her, I stride into her bedroom and snatch my bag. I take a couple of seconds to grab my toothbrush and shower gel and stuff them into it. Zipping it shut, I come out the bedroom to find her still gripping the breakfast bar.

  I blow out a long, low breath. “I’m sorry, Sienna. That was stupid of me. I’m gonna go and give you some space. Just… just be careful, okay? Look after yourself, short stuff.”

  Lip tucked under her teeth, she nods slowly. She can’t even meet my gaze. Godammit, I am such an asshole. My knees weaken beneath me as if urging me to fall to my knees and beg her to let me stay but I have a little pride left. Not much when it comes to Sienna, I’ll admit, but I still have a little. I’m not going to force myself on her. Not this time anyway.

  My chest aches just thinking about it but I’m going to leave her. I’ll do what she wants, no matter the cost to me. I briefly consider brushing a kiss across her cheek but quickly change my mind. I don’t think she’d take well to it after what I just did. I can’t believe I blew all my damned efforts with such a stupid move.

  “See you around.”

  She doesn’t respond, just wraps her arms around her waist and nods slowly.

  That’s it then. Raking a hand through my hair, I leave her apa
rtment and don’t look back. All I can do is leave and hope she’ll come around. I pray she does as I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive long without her.

  ***

  Sienna

  It’s a real battle to drag yourself out of bed when your heart hurts. As soon as I open my eyes, a swirl of dread hits my stomach before I can remember why. This is what you wanted, I remind myself. But I didn’t want heartache and loneliness. I wanted time to find myself.

  But what if I’d already found myself? What if that already happened when I was in Nick’s arms?

  Scraping a hand through my tangled hair—proof of how badly I’ve slept—I drag myself to the bathroom. After I’ve been to the toilet and had a shower, I study myself in the mirror. Yep, just as bad as I expected. Face drawn, dark circles. My appetite has gone and it’s starting to show. You’d think I’d gone years without Nick, not a week.

  I can’t believe he’s not even called or texted. For someone who wanted to marry me, he’s being real cold. Again I remind myself who’s to blame.

  Me.

  I pushed him away. I said I needed time to think. The problem is, without Nick here, I can’t seem to think straight. What good is space when the place you do your thinking best is wrapped in the arms of another? But now doubt is eating in. What if he’s changed his mind? What if he’s decided I’m not worth the hassle? A week apart might have made him realize I’m not that great after all.

  And I’m not really. But I’m better than I believed I was when I was married to Rob. I’m strong, I know that now. And I’m witty and friendly and kind. I can go out and make friends, and not rely on one person anymore.

  I practically see the realization come over my face. What I’d been searching for after I buried Rob has been here all along. It was just hidden—slightly trampled perhaps by Rob. I got lost and Nick helped me find myself again.

  Bad things happen. Anything could happen to Nick or me, but shielding myself from it won’t make life any better. I’m truly miserable without him. I know now that the amazing times we have together will more than make up for whatever the army does to us. With my strength and his honesty, we’ve got a really good shot at making it work.