Silenced

by Alicia Renee Kline

  Did I really expect Matthew to? No. If anything, he was a man of his word, abiding by others’ wishes for him. He’d shown it time and again, first with Lauren when she’d pleaded with him to leave her alone, and now with me. And no matter how he felt about it, I knew he’d respect my decision. I had been the one to kick him out of my house, out of my life, and he’d not argued. Sure, he’d been pissed at me and rightfully so, but once I’d uttered those words, he’d withdrawn immediately, never to return again.

  “You almost ready?” Chris asked, peeking his head around the corner. When I jumped, coaxing myself into reality, he chuckled.

  “Yeah. Where’s the fire though? I thought we weren’t doing anything special today?”

  I busied myself putting away my collection of beauty supplies as he took me in.

  “You’re absolutely radiant,” he assessed.

  “Thanks,” I said, my head buried in the cabinet as I secured the styling appliance so that it could finish cooling down.

  “And maybe I’m holding something back,” he admitted.

  I snorted. “Fancy that. I never would have guessed.”

  “Fine. I asked Gracie and Will to come over.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief before I emerged from beneath the vanity. That wasn’t a bad thing at all. But why treat their visit like it was classified information? They were our friends. Even if Will wasn’t the most sociable person to walk the face of the earth, it still wasn’t newsworthy for him to show up at our door, especially with Gracie in tow.

  “That sounds fun. But why didn’t we just wait for them to get here before we ate? We could have cooked for them, or gone out for lunch or something.”

  “We?”

  “Okay, you could have cooked for them. But you know what I mean.”

  “They have other plans for us. You’ll see.”

  I swatted at him. Clearly I wasn’t going to get anything further from him at this point. And the humor he found at keeping me in the dark about things was evident. But knowing who was involved in his sneaky little plan put my mind at ease. Gracie wasn’t the type to ambush me. If anything, she’d been called in to help lift me out of my self-imposed funk. That I could deal with, and even welcome.

  “You’re too good for me,” I enthused.

  “I know.”

  This earned him another elbow to the ribs as we retreated back to the living room to wait for our guests. As time elapsed, I could only imagine what the itinerary for my day would look like. Had Chris provided me with a tease of things to come by looking at the magazine? Surely Gracie wouldn’t commandeer the decoration of the nursery. She would understand how this was my labor of love alone, and how I needed my unique fingerprints upon it. But she could be instrumental in getting my ass in gear about it. Maybe she was bringing Will over to help with the heavy lifting that would be required in turning Lauren’s old bedroom into a haven for my upcoming child.

  That thought gave me pause, too. Lauren. Though she had been the catalyst in all this mess surrounding me, her meddling had been done with the best of intentions. It was hard to fault her for wanting everyone to get along and be one big, happy family, but fault her I did. She hadn’t approached it correctly. Reconciliations couldn’t be forced upon someone, and I had ultimately felt cornered. Which explained my knee jerk reaction when faced with Matthew trying to enact her will upon me. He may have to listen to her and abide by her will, but I didn’t.

  Of course, that didn’t mean that I still didn’t miss her. Especially now, when she could be a sounding board for all things pregnancy related. She would get it, being able to draw from her own experiences in order to put my mind at ease. Though Gracie was always on hand to lend an ear, she had no real world basis for her advice. She was as clueless as I was.

  Ironic that once Lauren had fed off of my limited pregnancy knowledge when she had been expecting. And had asked me to be there for the birth of her baby, like I could do anything to calm her frazzled nerves during delivery. I’d always assumed that one day she’d return the favor for me. Guess not. And that was all my fault.

  “What are you thinking about?” Chris pressed.

  I shook my head. “Nothing important.”

  Even though I sensed he didn’t believe me, he let it drop just the same. Impending motherhood was fucking with my emotions, and I really didn’t like it. It didn’t behoove anyone to become sentimental and let feelings drive your actions. Things had changed and that’s all there was to it. There was no turning back.

  Even if I was wrong, even if I had acted out of instinct and the desire to protect my own ass, things were done and over with and this was how it ended. I couldn’t just as impulsively fall at their respective feet and beg for forgiveness when I wasn’t convinced that was totally what I wanted, either.

  Before anything happened, I had to figure out my own crazy head first. And that would take an eternity, so I didn’t want to waste my time. Better to just move forward and deal with the results of my actions.

  When the doorbell rang, I put on a brave face and pretended that I was as chipper about Will and Gracie’s visit as I had been twenty minutes before. It wasn’t their faults that I’d worked myself back into yet another wave of feeling sorry for myself. So my plastic smile was intact as I swung open the door and greeted not two, but three, visitors.

  “Hey there,” Gracie said, as if nothing was amiss. Like Will wasn’t at her side, holding my niece expertly in his arms. It had likely been years since he’d handled a baby, but obviously some things he didn’t forget.

  “What are you doing?” I practically screeched, pointing to Sadie as if my friends wouldn’t understand what I meant. “Did you steal her?”

  “Relax, dearest,” Gracie rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows where Sadie is. And I do mean everyone. It’s okay.”

  My gut reaction was to burst out crying, but instead, I bit my lip. This stopped the tears, but my words were husky as I invited them in. Chris watched from afar as Will handed over Sadie to me. And darn it if the little girl didn’t reach out for me like it hadn’t been ages since I’d held her. She still remembered me.

  Gracie went back outside to the Jeep to grab the rest of Sadie’s things, Chris following behind her to help out. While the two of them traipsed through the house, carting in a playpen, a diaper bag and food, I turned to Will.

  “Thank you,” I mouthed to him, not trusting my voice.

  He simply nodded. I doubted he had much more hand in this than merely swinging by my brother’s house to pick up the kid, but I couldn’t stop myself from letting him know. He was a good guy, and he and Gracie were lucky to have found each other, even if their relationship was anything but conventional. I couldn’t have picked a better match for my partner in crime had I done it myself. And damn it if I hadn’t tried, even though I had had no idea that they’d already figured it out on their own.

  Gracie returned from my kitchen, where she’d deposited some food for the little one in my fridge. She fed off my excitement, her smile matching mine.

  “So here’s how it’s going to work,” she drawled, “Will and I are taking off. We’ll be back to pick up Sadie around six. Until then, she’s all yours.”

  “Was this your idea?”

  She shook her head.

  “Chris’s?”

  “Nope. How about Doug’s?”

  “Doug?”

  She nodded.

  “Would you tell him ‘thanks’ for me?”

  She sighed. “It would mean more coming from you. But since that won’t happen, yes, I will.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it. I really didn’t do anything.”

  “Whatever.”

  I allowed her to shrug off her involvement in this peace offering. She might see it as nothing, but as much as she insisted she wasn’t becoming entangled in this battle, she had just cemented her role as a go-between. It was like a strange divorce situation where the parents couldn’t be trusted to remain civil while
handing off the kid. So someone else did it for them. Instead of husband and wife, the parties were brother and sister, but it was still as tenuous an arrangement. And probably a good call on Doug’s part. The last time Matthew and I had been in the same room, I’d slapped him and he’d punched a hole in my wall. Not exactly something young eyes should be subjected to.

  Our friends were eager to get out of my hair, either because they wanted to give me alone time with my niece, or because they tired of not being in each other’s pants - I wasn’t sure. But I maintained my composure until they’d pulled out of the driveway and were on their merry little way.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I cooed to Sadie.

  She squealed something unintelligible back to me while Chris looked on. I attempted not to read too much into the softened expression on his face. I wasn’t certain what he was hoping would come out of this surprise. There were so many options. It could be something as simple as him reiterating his theory that I would make a great mother, or as complicated as him trying to convince me to make amends if not just with Matthew and Lauren, but possibly with my entire family.

  Me, I was barely able to make baby steps toward the first choice. The other possibility scared me to death. So I just held strong to my original course of living in the moment, and trying to forget about everything that happened before, or would come after.

  For now, it was enough.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Gracie

  “All I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s fair to Blake to push her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Especially not at this point. She’s like a scared little deer right now. If we frighten her too much, she’ll run off into the woods and vanish forever. Which would be really bad for me, since I’d have to take over control of her business before I’m ready to.”

  I folded my arms under my breasts and waited as those around me digested my words. Will remained silent, as I’d totally expected, while I was met with downturned eyes from the other three. Lauren, Matthew and Chris all looked anywhere but at me, alternating between their shoes, the floor and the ceiling.

  “You guys,” I whined, “I’m just putting that out there because no one else has. Have you ever considered that maybe she doesn’t want to make nice with everyone?”

  “Several times,” Matthew admitted.

  I gave him a once over, hating what the past few months of unrest had done to him. To the casual observer, he would still be men’s magazine cover model material, but I knew better. He’d gone back to the glasses, but I thought it was more out of necessity than anything else. The frames helped to cover the shadows around those brilliant blue eyes. His dirty blond hair, always unkempt, was in an unprecedented state of disarray. Likely because he couldn’t keep his hands out of it. Maybe he’d learned that coping mechanism from Will.

  Matthew and I exchanged a hesitant smile. I was still blinded by his absolute gorgeousness, and that was just a glimmer of the charisma that he typically put into it. I idly wondered how Lauren ever kept her clothes on living with that man.

  Then again, I supposed I didn’t have it much better. Luckily for me, Will and I still had our separate residences. Otherwise, I’d never get anything done myself.

  “Look,” Lauren piped up, “we always knew this was going to be Patricia’s endgame if she was successful with Matthew. One child was good, but both was what she was really aiming for.”

  “But Blake’s not going to play along just because it fits into someone else’s plans. If Matthew couldn’t get through to her, do you really expect anyone else to? Even Chris?” I looked over to Chris for confirmation.

  “Even after the Sadie visit, she’s still dead set against a reconciliation on any level,” he verified.

  “And really,” I continued, “what was your motivation for that?”

  “She hadn’t seen Sadie in ages. Even if Blake doesn’t want anything to do with us ever again, that doesn’t mean she has to lose contact with her niece. It was a good faith gesture, nothing more.”

  I huffed, discounting Lauren’s words. “That’s all good and well. But don’t you get it? If I wasn’t even sure, how do you think it made her feel?”

  “It wasn’t my idea, Gracie. You know that. My dad came up with it, not me. Do you really think I’m that underhanded?”

  Will squeezed my hand as I contemplated that, an unspoken show of support. Truth be told, it was something that I’d struggled with plenty of times. I’d certainly mentioned it to my man on more than one occasion. If Lauren had blindsided me with the equivalent of what she’d set into motion with her husband and sister-in-law, would I have taken it in stride like Matthew? Or would my claws have come out like Blake’s had? My money was on the latter.

  “It’s neither here nor there,” Chris chimed in, diffusing the situation. “We can’t turn back time and change what happened now. Yes, Blake feels like she’s backed into a corner. Yes, she enjoyed seeing Sadie again. No, she’s not ready to kiss and make up yet. I’m not sure if she ever will be.”

  “But she’s okay?” Matthew asked. “And the baby?”

  “Everything’s fine on that end, even if she doesn’t believe it.” Chris answered.

  “It’ll get easier to wrap her head around soon,” Lauren proclaimed. “I know that she doesn’t have a lot of female advice handy to her right now, but there’s plenty of books out there. And the internet. Has she talked to your mom about it at all?”

  “My mom?” Chris asked, as if Lauren could really be referring to anyone else. She rolled her eyes at him and then nodded. Considering how their relationship had been previously, this was a rather tame exchange between the two of them. “No, she seems to have adopted the ‘if I don’t talk about it, I won’t jinx it’ approach. And my mom isn’t one to pry.”

  “Unlike mine,” Matthew muttered.

  “I’ve tried to bring it up, but she can see right through it. Once we got past the whole telling Chris about it part, she’s kept everything else pretty much to herself. And can you really blame her? I have no clue what I’m talking about. And maybe that’s what she needs. Someone who doesn’t treat her with kid gloves, who still acts like everything is normal.”

  It made sense to me, at least. Even if everyone else was all about getting Blake to have an epiphany and welcome her entire family with open arms, I understood that distance wasn’t always as much of a problem as it seemed. Distance could be freeing. And as much as I liked everyone in this room, a forced relationship with any of them wasn’t necessarily a good thing. If she didn’t want it, I wasn’t going to press the issue. In the same vein, I wasn’t about to be strong-armed into changing my mind and beating her into submission.

  “Maybe Will should talk to her,” I suggested, only half joking. “He’s our resident father figure, and he hasn’t pissed her off yet.”

  Will jumped to attention. “Me?”

  “Yes, you. She already thinks you’re the perfect guy. Hell, she would have set me up with you had we not already been sleeping together. And you’ve been through this whole having kids thing before.”

  “A long time ago.”

  “I’m sure it’s like riding a bike. I saw how you held Sadie. Like an expert, because you are one.”

  “Yeah, but not so much on the mending broken relationships front.”

  “Because some things aren’t worth fixing. Not that this isn’t, but we should take one step at a time.”

  With an exaggerated sigh, Chris stood.

  “Time to head out?” I asked.

  “Yeah, considering I’m not even really here to begin with,” he said with a wink.

  “I’ll walk you out.”

  I disentangled myself from Will and sprang to my feet. Since my front door was all of a few feet away from where we were sitting, this meant following him outside and down the sidewalk to his car. Chris propped himself against the driver’s side door of his Civic, arms crossed over his chest. I recognized the gesture for what it was: an attem
pt to hold himself together more than a warning that he was closing himself off.

  “I tried, sweetheart,” I whispered.

  “I know, and I appreciate that.” He reached out for me, pulling me close so that I bounced off the car. We both giggled, then embraced. “Thank you.”

  “She knows where you are. There’s really no need to pretend. And she knows that Matthew and Lauren know about the pregnancy. She knows you told them.”

  Chris lifted his hand and drug his fingers through his hair. “I get that. And if she’s good with compartmentalizing for now, then that’s how I’m going to leave it. Her seeing Sadie was a breakthrough, a sign that Matthew isn’t totally lost to her forever. But she’s not willing to take that next step yet, and I’m not about to make her.”

  “Me either. As long as she can trust the two of us, then that’s enough for now.”

  “Agreed.” He paused, hesitating over his next thought. “Do you really think Will would talk to her?”

  I pushed myself away from him, holding him at arm’s length. With a raised eyebrow, I grinned. “I can get him to do practically anything for me if I ask the right way.”

  “Except commit.”

  “Fuck you.”

  I tried to act serious, but it didn’t work. I knew Will and I had our own obstacles to overcome, but there were more important things to worry about. All things considered, I was in a pretty good place right now and Chris and I both knew it.

  With a final pat on his shoulder, I bid him adieu. “I’ll talk to my man, and you keep your woman in line. Things will all work out, because they always do. And even if they don’t, I’ll still have your back.”

  “Same here.”

  I knew it was true. Ever since I’d been around this group long enough to form my own opinion of him, Chris had been my constant. He’d latched on to me like my guardian angel, comforting me even when he had no idea who he was protecting me from. Because of this, I’d give him the same consideration, no questions asked.