Silenced

by Alicia Renee Kline

  Will propped his elbows up on the table, folding his hands under his chin. “Yes, she is.”

  “How is that going, by the way?”

  “How is your thing going?” he countered. “You first.”

  Well, well now. Will knew how to play some hardball, didn’t he? Obediently, I set to work answering. Maybe if I was upfront with him, he would afford me the same luxury. And I was certainly interested enough in his take on his relationship with Gracie that I could stomach turning the microscope inward for a few minutes. The payoff was worth it.

  My hand fluttered down to my belly as I considered my words.

  “Am I scared to death?” I began. “Of course I am. I don’t know if it would be any different if what had happened back then hadn’t. It’s a huge responsibility that I’m being entrusted with, to grow another person inside of me. It seems almost surreal. But every day that I wake up in the morning, it becomes a little easier to accept. And my fears dissipate a bit. I’m already further along than I was the first time. The doctor says that everything is progressing normally. And Chris and I are in a better place now than we were back then.”

  My voice trailed off at that statement. Will picked up on that and didn’t let it go.

  “Are you?”

  I sighed. Were we?

  “Well, we’re actually together this time, so that has to count for something. Our relationship is definitely stronger than it was back when I was eighteen. Chris and I are solid now, and I know that even if something terrible happened, we would still emerge intact. And he would be right by my side this time. He wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “He wouldn’t,” Will confirmed. “But what about everything else?”

  “Well, I have Gracie now. And by default, you?”

  He nodded, urging me to continue. When I didn’t take his lead, he prompted me. “But something huge is missing there, isn’t it?”

  I was provided a respite by our food being brought out. Though my stomach still growled at the sight of it, my meal wasn’t as appetizing as it would have been mere minutes before.

  “Ever since Chris and I got back together, I knew that we’d get pregnant again. I wanted to have his kids, something that I came to terms with after I lost the first one. And he was always on board with it. Like our fairy tale was really going to end up working out after all.

  “But when I envisioned things, I always saw my children growing up alongside Matthew and Lauren’s. They were going to be the cousins that were best friends. Sadie would transition into the fearless leader because she’s the oldest, and the rest would follow her every move.

  “And I was with Lauren during her delivery, so I always considered asking her to be there for mine. I thought it was cheesy at first that she wanted me to be there when Sadie was born. But once I was there, included in the moment, I knew it was something that I was going to remember forever. She didn’t have a mother figure to be there for her, and it was an honor for her to consider me for that role. But now -”

  “But now, Lauren and Matthew are gone because your mother has invited herself back into your brother’s life.”

  “Yes.” I stabbed at my enchilada, willing it into submission. If only my family members were so easy to bend to my wishes.

  “You know you could have all of them back, don’t you?” Will asked quietly. “Your mother wants to be a part of your life. She’s made it clear to Matthew and Lauren. And they’ve stretched across an olive branch to you via Sadie.”

  “I wish it was that simple, Will, really I do.”

  I set down my fork and rubbed my now aching temples with my fingertips. He watched intently as I tried to clear my head and put my swirling emotions into words. When I didn’t say anything for a moment, he focused on his plate, refusing to bully me into a response.

  Until he couldn’t stay quiet any longer.

  “Sometimes the most rewarding things in life are the scariest,” he mused.

  Though he could have as easily been talking about himself instead of me, I felt the weight of his words as if they were pointed at me like arrows. He didn’t mean any harm by them, but the message was clear. Especially since impending motherhood had made me reconsider my stance, his advice penetrated the wall I’d carefully erected around myself. One that after over a decade since being constructed was starting to crumble away on its own. But yet there was something holding me back from breaking down the barrier once and for all. Something that I hadn’t been able to put my finger on until now.

  “You’re right,” I confirmed, shocking us both. Will’s surprise was more visible than my own, but then again, I was an expert on covering up how I really felt. “It is scary to consider the idea of letting my mother back into my life again. I don’t understand how Matthew warmed up to the situation so quickly. What if it’s all hugs and kisses now, but eventually something happens and Patricia decides it’s too much to deal with again? Won’t that hurt Sadie more if her grandmother ends up walking away once she’s old enough to remember? Wouldn’t it be better to eliminate that risk completely? It’s hard to miss something you never had.”

  “Sadie would miss the concept of a grandmother completely that way. And family life is never totally picture perfect no matter how hard you try. Why deprive her of something that she could have in order to protect her from an imaginary threat?”

  “My mother doesn’t have a good track record with being supportive.”

  “Are you the same person you were ten years ago?”

  I shook my head.

  “Then maybe Patricia isn’t, either.”

  I filled my face with a mouthful of enchilada, chewing on his epiphany as much as I did the food. Will possibly had a valid point.

  “The future isn’t promised to anyone,” he continued. “Shit happens. As much in love as everyone is with each other right now, the harsh reality of the matter is that things can change in an instant. Yet that didn’t stop you from wanting to bring a child into this world. Eventually that new little person is going to show up here and you can’t pop him or her back inside when the going gets rough.”

  “Thanks so much for your words of good tiding and joy. You really know how to make a woman feel optimistic about the future.”

  “Once upon a time, I thought that Stephanie and I would be together for the rest of our lives. Funny how things change. But when the unexpected happens, you learn how to adapt.”

  “If I’m remembering things correctly, it took a bit for you to get over that.”

  “I didn’t say that things got better overnight.”

  “No, things got better when you met Gracie.”

  A hint of pink came to his cheeks and he deflected his gaze to his plate. I’d hit the bullseye, which was the perfect segue for me to get to the information that I was really interested in. But he wasn’t about to let me dive into questioning him before getting the final say.

  “All I’m trying to tell you is that even though the past might have royally sucked, you can’t let that harden your heart. People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. And if you close yourself off because of wrongs that were committed years ago, you might miss out on some wonderful things.”

  I sighed and toyed with my napkin. It was beyond clear what he was trying to get me to decide, even though he was using the most nonjudgmental approach he possibly could. Seemed that the entire universe was on my brother’s side, whether they said it outright or not. Hell, if I really thought long and hard about it - which I still refused to do - I was likely right there, too.

  But as always, the lump in my throat that formed whenever I considered reaching out to Matthew emerged, stopping me from taking action. I swallowed it down, trying to explain away the nausea that came with my indecision as a case of late afternoon morning sickness.

  While battling that, yet another sensation occurred that I wasn’t nearly as adept at brushing off. A light flutter in my belly that caused my hand to fly to my baby bump, that made my pulse quicken with
a twinge of excitement.

  “Is everything okay over there?” Will asked, his voice snapping me back to reality.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, reopening them slowly and attempting to calm myself down. I nodded prior to being able to form a coherent thought, not wanting him to worry too much and go into full badass cop mode. Gracie had good-naturedly complained a few times about his tendency to take everything super-seriously due to his chosen occupation, and I really didn’t want to see that first hand. I suspected I’d gotten a glimpse of that before, with his helping me in and out of the Jeep. And if that simple gesture had made passerby think we were together, what conclusions would people draw from him racing over to the other side of the table to sit beside me to check my overall state of wellness?

  “I think the baby just kicked,” I admitted, the wonder that I felt at the whole thing evident in my voice.

  I looked down at my protruding stomach, as if I could dare its occupant to do it again. My eyes clouded over with tears and I sniffled, torn between picking up my phone and sending a quick text to Chris or asking Will to come over and lay his hands upon me to confirm I wasn’t going nuts.

  “If you’re waiting for it to happen again, it may be a while,” he advised. “I remember it took forever before Emma kicked regularly enough for Stephanie to be able to warn me it was happening, then for me to feel it. Babies are like ninjas that way.”

  I snorted, wiping the moisture away from my lids.

  “This is really happening, isn’t it Will?”

  He nodded. “It really is.”

  There were many things left unsaid in the look that passed between us. Regardless of that, I heard them all loud and clear. We continued to stare at one another until finally Will formulated his closing statements. And like the respectful person that I was, I gave him the floor.

  “It’s up to you how you want this to play out, Blake. No one is going to force you into doing anything you don’t want to.”

  “No, but you’ve all pretty much made your opinions known. And it seems like I’m in the minority here on how to handle things.”

  “Maybe,” Will hedged.

  “Are you done?” I pressed.

  He nodded once more. I breathed a sigh of relief and the tension level at the table decreased dramatically. Suddenly, we were just two friends having lunch instead of a man on a mission and a hard-headed woman who didn’t want to listen to reason. So I tried to play my own game of twenty questions with as light a touch as possible.

  “So back to you and Gracie,” I began, “I take it things are good on that front?”

  Will resumed eating, spearing a bite of burrito with his fork and popping it into his mouth. “Yeah,” he answered noncommittally after swallowing.

  “But?”

  A thousand and one scenarios ran through my mind, each one more horrible than the next. Gracie hadn’t let on that there was trouble in paradise, and I really didn’t want to be privy to unknown drama. Perhaps I could give him a pep talk while we were at it, and at least one of us would have gotten something of value out of this intervention. Me, there were just more unanswered questions, more things to think about.

  “I’m pretty sure that Gracie asked me to move in with her.”

  I couldn’t help it; I gasped. That was a major, major step for two admitted commitment-phobes, and Will was still around to talk about it somewhat rationally. And since he was chuckling at my reaction, I could only take it as a promising sign. Except for the semantics.

  “You’re pretty sure?” I interrogated.

  “She flat out asked me when my lease was up. If that isn’t a leading question, I don’t know what is.”

  “True.”

  “And then I lied.”

  I slammed my palm against the table, simply because it saved me from reaching over and smacking him on the side of his auburn haired head. “What the fuck, Will?”

  “It’s not what you think. I told her I had six months left. It’s really more like ten. I just figured that it could buy me a little time to save up money to get out of the lease. There’s a lot of things that are going on financially, and maybe in half a year, I can afford to break it.”

  I softened towards him, offering an encouraging smile.

  He continued on. “I’m still paying off the legal fees from the divorce, plus I’ll have to contribute my share of Emma’s college tuition, and-”

  “And buy a ring?” I teased.

  I quite literally watched the man stop breathing.

  “I’m kidding,” I said, even though I wasn’t.

  He shook his head. “She told me she’s not looking for that.”

  “Not looking and wouldn’t accept it are two entirely different things. That woman is madly in love with you.”

  Will played with his glass of soda, lifting it from the table and tracing the ring of condensation it left behind with his finger.

  “But, just like you told me just now, she’d never pressure you into doing something you didn’t want to. She’s going to accept your relationship however it comes, because it’s that important to her.”

  I hoped that my viewpoint helped to soothe his visibly frayed nerves. After all, I knew it was true. Gracie had been absolutely miserable without him for the few short weeks when she’d erased herself from his life, a misplaced survival tactic. Sure, she was the type of person who didn’t need a man, but that hadn’t stopped her from wanting one. From wanting him in particular. If they hadn’t have found their way back to each other, it wouldn’t have surprised me if she’d taken a vow of abstinence and never dated again.

  “Here’s the thing,” he said, choosing to ignore the prospect I’d raised of buying an engagement ring, “I don’t know if I can even wait six months. And I might have told her that. I think she heard me.”

  “You know she’d buy out the rest of your lease, right?”

  “I couldn’t ask her to do that.”

  “She has the money. I would know.”

  He chuckled, conceding that as her business partner, I knew the contents of her bank account better than he did as her lover. That fact didn’t shock me one bit. No oversharing between those two.

  “Hell, I’d pay for you to break your lease,” I offered.

  “Blake.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “I know. And that’s why you’d better not. Because I’d never be able to pay you back.”

  “It wouldn’t be a loan.”

  “I can’t take your money.”

  “It would be worth it to see Gracie so happy. I’m sure that she thought long and hard about it before even suggesting it. If in fact, that’s really what she meant.”

  I winked at him, and for a moment I truly thought he would take me up on it. And I’d make good on that promise, ready to write out the check to him as soon as he gave me the word.

  Will raked his hand through his hair. “I have to be level headed about this. It’s not just me that I have to consider; I’ve got to think about Emma, too.”

  “Emma’s fully aware of what’s happening between you and Gracie.”

  “I know that. But somehow, it just seems wrong to shack up with another woman before she goes away to school. And Stephanie would have a field day with that one.”

  “Fuck Stephanie.”

  “I have, and look where it got me.”

  “Right where you’re supposed to be?”

  “Maybe, but I need to do this all by myself. Well, by myself with Gracie, if that makes sense.”

  “It does.”

  “I swore up and down that I’d never let another woman get under my skin. I need some time to come to terms with the fact that I’m sinking deeper in love with someone else every day. Someone that I’ve made no promises to, spoken no vows to, yet sometimes I feel like my connection with her is greater than anything that I’ve ever experienced before.”

  I tried to wipe the stupid grin off of my face at his confession, but I couldn’t.

  “Don’t say a word
to her,” he warned.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  I folded my napkin and tossed it on top of my empty plate. On cue, the server came over to drop off our check. I lifted my finger to stop him from leaving and grabbed my credit card out of my purse. Sliding it into the faux leather folder, I handed it back to the restaurant employee before Will had a chance to protest.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Will hissed as the server walked away.

  I waved him off. “Don’t mention it. I get one hell of a discount here anyway, which means most of the time the tip I leave is larger than the bill. And lunch is a small price to pay for the peace of mind you gave me.”

  “About what?”

  “How about that there’s one less thing I need to worry about?”

  The server returned my card, and I scribbled my signature on the receipt. With that settled, I scooted out of my side of the booth and waited for Will to join me. He stood and ushered me out to the Jeep, where we reenacted the spectacle of me getting myself inside. Even though I could certainly handle it myself, I played a bit helpless to help him regain some of his manhood. He deserved as much.

  Our time was limited on the way back to the design studio, so we both took the last few moments alone together to state our parting thoughts. Which, remarkably, were exactly the same.

  “Promise me you’ll think about it,” he said.

  “Just think it over, okay?” I asked at the same time.

  Stopped at a red light, Will took the opportunity to look over at me. I could see it in his green eyes that he wasn’t going to budge. I supposed he could see the same thing reflected in mine.

  But even as he pulled up to the curb right outside of the shop, a feat only accomplished by the men in my life, I had this overwhelming sense of peace. Standing on the same sidewalk where I’d once had a similar life affirming conversation with Chris, a small ripple of motion in my lower abdomen proved my now-husband’s prophetic words.

  I wasn’t sure how it would all come down, but it would. Things had an odd way of falling into place, and life moved on.

  Somehow, everything would be okay.