“Oh yeah?” Ryan grinned. “How about buying you dinner and then going back to my place to play video games until we pass out?”
I mirrored his smile. “Sounds good to me.”
Ryan bought us Taco Bell before we drove to his house. Amber called out to us from the living room when we came through the door.
“Ryan? That you?”
“Nope. It’s a ghost.”
She laughed and turned to look at us as we entered the living room. Dustin sat beside her on the couch, and a Lifetime movie played on the TV.
“Good to see you, Cason,” she said, smiling. “You staying the night?”
“Yep, he is,” Ryan interjected before I had the chance. “I hope that’s cool.”
“Of course,” Amber said.
I followed Ryan to his room and sat on the bed as he started up the Xbox. Unlike his room at Emery’s house, this one was mostly picked up, apart from dirty clothes on the floor and some soda cans.
“Ready for me to kick your ass?” Ryan tossed me a controller before grabbing the Taco Bell bag and fishing out a Burrito Supreme.
“What the fuck ever,” I shot back. “I’m the Halo master.”
We stuffed our faces, gamed, and talked shit to each other. After a while, I forgot about the heavy shit weighing me down. I got the feeling Ryan did too.
“Remember Lexi?” Ryan asked after I gunned down his character in the competitive player mode. At my confusion, he added, “The girl I fucked at Trev’s party?”
“Oh. Yeah. The brunette.”
“The fucking sexy as hell brunette,” he corrected. “And, man, her pus—”
“Stop,” I said, throwing my wadded-up burrito wrapper at him. “Don’t disrespect the girl with your nasty-ass mouth.”
“Prude.” Ryan grinned and looked at the screen, hitting the trigger to shoot as my character came around the corner. “Anyway, she found me on Facebook and we’ve been messaging a little. Nothing serious. But I don’t know. I kinda like her.”
That was a pretty big thing for Ryan to say. He’d never felt anything for the girls he banged. His motto was screw ’em and leave ’em.
Around 3:00 a.m. we finally turned off the console and lay down. I made a pallet on the floor while Ryan slept in his bed. Neither of us fell asleep right away.
“Did you and Lindsey really fuck last night?” Ryan asked. “When I talked to Trev earlier, he said Brad saw you guys sneaking off at the party and that she was all over you.”
I almost said yes, if only to take away any suspicion he might have about my dating life—or lack thereof. But I hated lying.
“No,” I said. “We kissed and she tried to blow me, but it didn’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“She told me not to tell anyone the truth.”
“Ah, come on,” Ryan complained. “Can’t leave me hanging like that.”
“She puked, okay?” I felt awful for saying it, but Ryan wouldn’t have backed down until I did. “Like… my dick was almost in her mouth and she puked.”
Ryan laughed and couldn’t stop. “Fuck, I’m crying. That’s the worst luck ever, Cas. Only you.”
“Yeah. Tell me about it,” I said, playing along.
“I really am sorry about earlier,” he said after a few minutes had passed. “I can’t get pissed at you for talking about my dad when you don’t know the reason we’re not that close. I’ll tell you one day. I just…”
“I get it.” I looked up at him. “You’re my best friend. Even if you act like a jackass, I still love ya.”
“Go to sleep, jerk,” Ryan mumbled, turning to his side and facing away from me.
Ryan tended to shut down when things got too real. It’s just how he was.
Though I was tired, I couldn’t sleep. A pair of piercing blue eyes dominated my thoughts, and I recalled the sound of Emery’s deep, soothing voice. I compared the feeling I got when thinking of him to the one I’d had when Lindsey had been about to suck my dick. All I’d felt for Lindsey had been the urge to run away.
My confusion heightened even more when I suspected I might have the hots for Emery. But I wasn’t gay. At least, I didn’t think I was. Sure, I was a virgin, but I’d jacked off to plenty of girls.
Right?
I rolled over on the pallet and closed my eyes. When I watched porn, did I get turned on because of the girl… or was it because of the guy fucking her?
I decided to put it to the test the following night.
Mom and Steve weren’t home, so after getting some water and going to my room, I locked the door and got into bed. I went to my favorite porn site, and a thread of videos instantly popped up. Busty blondes were getting dicked hard and fast, gasping and eye-fucking the camera.
I clicked on one of them and propped the phone on my chest while sliding my right hand into my boxers. As the video started playing, a girl was sucking a guy’s dick. The slurping sounds and deep moans set my heart racing, and I got hard. I skipped a bit of the video and got to the penetration.
I watched the guy’s dick sink into her, and I reached over to my bedside table for the lotion before quickly shoving my hand back between my legs. The video changed to a close-up of the girl’s face, her big lips swollen and her mouth popped open as she moaned.
My hand slowed. But once the video showed the two of them together again, his thick cock pounding into her, I was back in the game. I bit my bottom lip as I groaned, my eyes fixated on the dick going in and out of her.
I need to be sure.
I paused the video and went to the categories, scrolling through them until I found Gay. With my heart racing ninety-to-nothing, I clicked on it.
As the videos popped up, I saw some BDSM scenes, others with masks, and more vanilla ones. I chose one at random—titled Guy Gets Drilled at the Office—and rested the phone back on my chest.
A dark-haired man was in a suit, seductively taking off his tie as he approached the younger one—a redhead. Ginger grazed a finger down the older one’s chest before they kissed. I skipped forward in the video and let it play when they were fucking.
“Harder,” Ginger begged.
The dark-haired man growled and gripped the guy’s legs tighter, pounding him with more force. My hand went to my cock, and I started a lazy stroke. Am I into this? As I watched, I found myself getting more and more turned on. I stroked from root to tip, my breathing becoming heavier. I couldn’t take my eyes off the dark-haired one.
He reminded me of Emery.
“Fuck,” I moaned, my hand going faster.
Yep. Definitely into it.
I brought the phone closer with my free hand and stared at where they joined, stared at their tight abs and listened to their groans. I jerked myself faster, feeling my orgasm building. When I came, I cried out and my toes curled.
It was, by far, the best orgasm I’d ever had.
I tossed my phone aside, throwing an arm over my eyes as they started to water.
I can’t be gay.
That didn’t prove it, though, right? Just because I got off on gay porn didn’t mean anything.
After taking a quick shower and going back to my room, I clicked on the Netflix app and watched Naruto for a few hours. But not even one of my favorite shows could stop my mind from drifting to the possibility of me being gay.
I had no real issues with it if I was—I was mostly just scared shitless of what people would think. Of what Ryan would think. But it explained so much.
As I drifted to sleep, I imagined Emery loosening his tie. I saw him backing me up against his desk and dipping his head down to kiss my neck. My breathing kicked up a notch as I imagined his long fingers unbuttoning my pants and dipping beneath the material of my boxers. Touching me where I craved him most.
More confusion. More fear.
It doesn’t mean anything, I told myself.
It was only a fantasy after all.
Chapter 4
Emery
“Leaving so soon?” a raspy v
oice said from behind me. A hand brushed along my bare side.
My body heated as I looked over at Jay. The sheet rode low on his hips, showing off the abs I’d just spent hours licking and grinding against.
“I shouldn’t have come over,” I said, standing from the bed and finding my clothes.
He chuckled and sat up, running a hand through his blond hair. “That’s what you said on Monday. And then again on Tuesday. You avoided me on Wednesday, and here you are back in my bed again on Friday.”
“Wow, you know your days of the week. I’m impressed.” After dressing, I sat on the edge of the bed to put on my shoes.
“Are you this charming to everyone, or is it just to me?” Jay asked with a smile in his voice. It was one of the things about him I found both pleasing and irritating—his carefree personality and humor. When I stood back up and walked toward the door, he got out of bed. “Goddammit, Cross. Look at me.”
I stopped in the doorway and slowly turned around. Jay stood eye to eye with me, the smirk finally gone.
“I know you’re dealing with some shit,” he said, stepping closer. “And I know it’s partly my fault. But your marriage was over before I even got there, and your son would’ve found out about us eventually.” He reached forward and touched my jaw. “This anger you carry around will only crush you, bit by bit, and I don’t want to see you crumble.”
“I’m not angry.” I batted his hand away.
He lifted a brow. “Coulda fooled me.”
Damn Jay and his ability to read me like an open book.
I was angry. But not at him. I had buried my desires long ago and settled into the kind of life society expected of me. I’d gotten married, became a father, and played the role of perfect husband. When deep down I’d been drowning.
And this infuriatingly perceptive man in front of me had seen me drowning. Somehow.
He’d pulled me from the depths at a time when I wasn’t sure I could ever breathe again, and I had clung onto his hands, lips, anything to keep from sinking back down.
“How did you know?” I asked, realizing I’d never asked him before.
“How did I know what, darlin’?” The smirk was back.
I saw humor, but also softness, in his green eyes. “How did you know I was gay back then? Before you invited me for drinks that day, I don’t think I ever gave any indication that I was. But you knew. How?”
Jay sighed and grabbed his joggers from the dresser against the wall, putting them on. He had no problem opening his mouth, but when it was something serious, he held on to his words before speaking them.
“It was the look in your eyes,” he said, facing me. “You looked like a man on fire. As someone who has been in those flames before, I knew that look all too well.”
“Fire, huh?” I leaned against the door. “I always thought I was drowning.”
“Water, fire. Both have the power to destroy us in the end.” Jay lightly punched my chest before walking past me to go down the hall. “I didn’t want to see you destroyed, Cross.”
Warmth filled my chest at his words. Beneath the cockiness and attitude, Jay was actually a great guy.
“You want me to suck your dick again?” Jay called from the kitchen. “Or are you ready to leave?”
And then he says shit like that.
Shaking my head, I met him in the kitchen and grabbed my keys from the counter. He pressed his tongue to his cheek and grinned. For a thirty-five-year-old man, he could act like such a child.
Something pressed to my leg, and I looked down to see Sputnik, Jay’s cat. The shorthair Persian was chubby, lovable, and extremely lazy. It rolled to its back and stared up at me with droopy eyes.
“Sput is the only reason you come over,” Jay muttered as I bent to pet the cat. He then started speaking in Russian. Given his expression, I assumed they were insults.
Jay hadn’t told me much about his family, other than his mother moved to the US from Russia before he was born and his father was a former US Marine. He knew both English and Russian fluently. I always enjoyed when he spoke the language.
“Should I expect you to come back tomorrow?” he asked.
“No.” I gave Sputnik one last scratch behind the ear before turning to leave.
“Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.”
Our relationship was complicated. After Ryan walked in on us months ago, I had gotten angry and argued with Jay, blaming him for everything. He hadn’t taken the blame well and told me to fuck off—which I had deserved. We’d stopped hooking up, but there I was back again, in his house… in his bed.
“I probably shouldn’t see you again,” I said, hand on the door but not opening it.
“If that’s what you want.” I heard him—felt him—walk up behind me. His breath touched my nape, and a shiver passed through me. “You know it’s no-strings with me, Cross. If you don’t wanna see me again, I get it and won’t try to keep you. I have plenty of men to warm my bed.” He gripped my bicep and spun me around to face him. “But you need to let go of whatever’s eating you up inside. It’s not you.”
A lot was eating me up. My son hating me. The fear of losing him for good once he went to college. My thoughts then went to Cason and my guilt for desiring him. Was that why I’d been seeing Jay so much? He was a distraction from all the shit in my head.
“I don’t know who I am anymore, Jay,” I said, my throat tight.
“Yeah you do.” He snagged hold of my chin and kissed me before pressing his forehead to mine. “Coming out is damn hard, and you did it, Emery. Maybe not in the way you would’ve liked, but it’s done. No going back. I’m not sure what has you so in your head, but I don’t just have a huge cock. I also have a good set of ears, if you need them.”
I laughed and pushed on his chest. “A huge cock? Don’t flatter yourself.”
He really did have one, though. The ache in my ass was proof enough.
Jay grinned before becoming serious once more. “All I’m sayin’ is… don’t let yourself drown again. Okay? You’re not in the middle of the ocean with no one to help you. If you need a raft, just call me.”
“You sound as if you care.”
“I do care, you dumbass,” Jay responded. “I don’t have to want you romantically in order to be your friend.”
“So, we’re friends?”
He smoothed his hands down his face. “You’re so goddamn stupid.”
I laughed and grabbed the doorknob, but before I left I looked at him. “Thanks, Foley. Guess you’re not just a pretty face after all.”
He snarled and flipped me off.
With his words playing in my head, I stepped outside and walked down the sidewalk toward my car. I felt lighter than before. He said I wasn’t alone, and for the first time in months, I believed it.
***
“I must be crazy to have an August wedding,” Becca said Tuesday morning after walking through the side entrance of the office. Her brow shined and she heavily sighed as she plopped down in the chair in front of my desk. “It’s only mid-May and the heat is killing me. The Farmer’s Almanac predicted a hot, dry summer too. I’ll roast alive in my seven-hundred-dollar gown.”
“Move the wedding inside,” I suggested, glancing back at the document pulled up on my computer. “Did we send the invoices to the clients last week?”
“Yep. I did. Three have paid in full, and another paid half, saying they’ll bring the rest tomorrow.” Becca ran her hands through her long blonde hair and pulled it back in a ponytail. “And an inside wedding? Ugh. No can do. I’ve wanted to get married under the large oak at my grandparents’ house ever since I was little.”
“Then I guess you need to suck it up,” I said, sensing her evil eye without even looking at her.
“‘Suck it up,’ he says.” Becca stood and went toward the door. “I’ll remember that the next time you come crying to me about needing an emergency order or for me to drop everything and run to the courthouse because you forgot an importan
t file or a flash drive fifteen minutes before a hearing.”
I smirked. “Last I checked, that was your job.”
“Speaking of which.” She stood in the doorway, her expression all business now. “Judge Meyers granted the order I sent last week, and the court date has been moved as per your request.”
“Thank you.”
Becca nodded and went to her office, which sat across from mine. Some might think she was unprofessional with how she spoke to me sometimes, but she only acted that way when we were alone. In front of clients or other attorneys, she was strictly business. Eight years of working together had made us both comfortable enough to joke around.
“Cross & Patel,” Becca said, answering the phone. “Mhm. What’s the reason for your call today?”
I closed my office door and sat back down. Becca had put together a client memo that listed all open cases and what needed to be done in them, plus stated what had already been filed and included the discovery we had available. I opened the document and looked it over. With a hundred and five open cases, I knew I’d be a dead man if not for my paralegal. She worked her ass off and made my life so much easier.
After work, I went home, ordered Thai food, and had it delivered before eating in silence. The quiet, empty house reminded me of the direction my life had gone. However, even when living with Amber, I had still felt lonely. At least now I was free of her constant bitching and I no longer had to pretend to be something I wasn’t.
Walking down the hall, I cringed at Ryan’s room. It looked like a tornado had passed through there. I preferred to keep things tidy. Organized. Which was why he made such a huge mess each time he came over.
Even though he would trash it again the next time he visited, I cleaned it after I ate dinner. Trash was taken out, dishes were placed in the sink, and I changed the sheets on his bed. I also hung up his clothes and put everything where it belonged.
Things could’ve been worse, I supposed. After the initial shock waned, Ryan had agreed to still see me at least, little by little. He could’ve cut me out of his life completely, but he didn’t. It gave me hope that he’d let go of his anger someday. Maybe he even wanted to now but didn’t know how yet. He was still a teenager after all, letting his impulses get the better of him.
His Temptation Page 4
