Mental State

by M Gardner

  It’ll be okay, Steven.

  She caressed the cooking implements attached to the magnet on the wall. He found himself withdrawing the knife he had held less than three weeks ago.

  Do what you know you should.

  Steven whimpered, and Lindsay offered a rare smile as if she heard the voice.

  He admired the reflective surface of the serrated steel.

  Do it for me.

  Steven brought the knife to his arm. A glint of reflected light formed a line across his forearm. Even in the low light, he could see the reflection of his arm in the knife. Goosebumps and hair on his arm danced against the pulse in his vein just below the surface.

  Do it, Lindsay insisted.

  He pulled the knife away from his arm.

  Please, Steven. We can be together forever.

  “No!” Steven screamed and slashed the knife at his former girlfriend.

  Her eyes grew in horror, and she vanished before his eyes. Steven dropped the knife, the clatter grating on his ears. He had almost tried to kill himself again. All because of Lindsay.

  He eyed the knife on the kitchen floor. It was in living color, but the rest of the kitchen had faded to muted tones. The knife was the only thing that seemed real; even Lindsay felt like an apparition.

  The voice fell silent.

  Steven came to a decision. He turned on his heel and stomped out of the kitchen.

  Steven drew carefree circles in his notebook. He didn’t care what he drew, and he found that his hand pushed the pencil across the paper seemingly of its own accord. The instructor was babbling on, and Steven pointedly ignored what was being said.

  He wishes you were dead.

  Steven sucked in a breath and looked to where Robert sat. Robert’s face flushed, and he looked away.

  He was watching me, Steven thought with a flicker of bitter contempt. What am I now, some sort of freak show?

  Steven looked around the classroom and met more than one deadpan glance. It would be a flash of disgust, and then they would look away as soon as Steven made eye contact. Steven felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. Why did they look at him like that? If they had something to say, they should just say it. Steven realized his hand shook with the vice-like grip on the pencil. The wooden implement snapped audibly, and Steven felt several sets of eyes bore into him.

  Steven’s shaking hands spread to his arms, legs, and feet. He seemed unable to control the shaking. David and Leonard didn’t try to hide their amusement. It was as if they were experiencing a dystopian Christmas. They elbowed each other and smirked at Steven. Everyone watched as Steven seemed to have some sort of fit, but no one moved to see if he were all right. Even the instructor seemed at a loss deciding between anger at the disruption or the need to help a student.

  Leonard punched David in the shoulder, and David rose to his feet. He sauntered to Steven’s desk and punched Steven on the shoulder. “What’s going on, murderer?” he asked loud enough for the entire class to hear.

  They all hate you.

  The voice, David’s punch, and the smirks of his classmates were finally all that Steven could take. The sadness and depression that Steven had felt for so long boiled away. A rage boiled inside his gut. It expanded, and the tremors in his hands, feet, and legs seemed to grow with it. Everything that had happened since the day Lindsay killed herself came to a head.

  He knew that no human being should have to go through what he had endured. He knew that he didn’t need their hate, and he thought that he needed their compassion. But now, he wondered if he even needed that. The rage coursed through him and seemed to fill every part of his being.

  Do what you must.

  With an ear-splitting scream, Steven spun in his chair and crashed his fists into David’s midsection. David staggered back and doubled over, clutching his stomach. David’s attempts to suck in gasps of air were thunderous in the silent classroom. Everyone stared, frozen in shock.

  Steven jumped to his feet and stood over David, daring the bully to act. David wasn’t prepared for his prey to fight back. He whimpered and curled into the fetal position. Steven’s attention was so focused on David that he didn’t hear Leonard jump to his feet and charge him.

  Leonard grabbed Steven around the waist and tried to pull him away from David, crying on the floor. “You’re not going to hurt anyone else, freak,” Leonard declared.

  Steven pushed himself deeper into Leonard’s grip by kicking off the floor. The two boys staggered back until they collided with a classroom wall. The impact stole Leonard’s breath, and he released Steven.

  Steven lurched away from Leonard in time to see a fist collide with the side of his head. As Steven fell, he seized an empty chair and swung it at David. The chair missed and clattered harmlessly onto the floor.

  “You’re gonna pay for hurting Lindsay, freak,” Leonard bellowed from behind. The duo simultaneously lunged at Steven and surprising himself and everyone else in the classroom, Steven was able to fend off their attacks.

  No one in the classroom tried to intervene on Steven’s behalf or the side of his combatants. More than one smartphone among his classmates followed the fracas as it unfolded. The only time anyone seemed forced into action was when the fight moved toward them, and mostly, that action was slipping out of the way.

  Both boys hung on Steven’s arms when the fight reached Robert’s desk. Steven felt overwhelmed with pride as he fought for his innocence. He smiled a bloody grin at Robert, then at Ruby. Every punch he received from David or Leonard was a new purpose. They were hammering his back and kidneys. The voice screamed in his ears, telling him to fight until the bitter end.

  Robert’s eyes were wide and transfixed on Steven’s. Ruby appeared to be stuck between covering her eyes and wanting to break up the fight. Steven knew that this was a losing proposition. Eventually, his adrenaline would run out. He would tire, and since the instructor seemed unable or unwilling to help, Steven knew that the voice was correct: This will be the end. Lindsay and the voice would finally get what they wanted. His former friend and the new girl that disgusted him would get what they wanted. Lindsay’s parents would finally get the closure that they thought they needed.

  “I’ll fucking kill you for what you did to Lindsay!” David screamed in Steven’s ear.

  Steven struggled against them, but their grips on his arms were solid. Each of them dug one of their knees into the backs of Steven’s legs. After his brief show of strength, Steven was now helpless against the other two boys. He saw the floor rise to meet the bridge of his nose. The pain that erupted from his septum was the first thing he had felt since the brawl started. Steven closed his eyes and waited for David and Leonard to finish wrestling him to the floor. He knew that they intended on making good on their threats.

  “Stop!”

  The feminine voice cut through the fog of war, and all three boys looked at Ruby. She stood beside her desk, hands on her hips, with Robert tugging at her elbow.

  David and Leonard relaxed their grip. Steven was able to get himself upright on his knees, but the duo didn’t let go of him. The school safety officer burst through the door, drew his TASER, and shot Steven in the chest. The voice bellowed its displeasure at the fight ending in such an ignominious manner.

  10 Redemption/Truth

  Do it now. Do what must be done.

  Steven covered his ears, though he knew it would do no good. Once again, the voice had tormented him relentlessly. Even though there were no physical attacks, Steven felt his body weakening by the day. He couldn’t go on like this.

  Don’t do it; they will destroy you.

  The voice had seemingly guessed what Steven had been considering. At school, the voice had still ceaselessly spoken to him, but it didn’t seem to have the physical drain it was having on him now.

  They will simply kill you; make it easy for them.

  “No,” Steven said defiantly. “I will not take my own life. I’m not weak!” This final proclamation seemed to si
lence the voice for the time being, but Steven knew it would be back.

  He surveyed himself in the mirror. He was a complete and utter wreck. His face still bore bruises and cuts from the fight; he was almost indistinguishable from his former self.

  If it weren’t from cuts and bruises, it would be easier to notice the fact he hadn’t shaved in a couple of weeks, leaving a nice patch of hair over his face looking almost as if he had smeared dirt on himself. His clothes, although brand new, looked old and ragged.

  Steven felt a temptation to punch the mirror; he hated that it showed such a sad truth. That’s what he felt the most lately: anger and hatred toward everything and everyone around him. It seemed to consume him, and it also seemed to fuel the voice inside his mind.

  As the anger swept over him, the voice made a comeback. Muttering once more that he wished it would shut up, Steven threw himself on the bed. He had made up his mind once again. It was time to go back to school.

  He had lost count of how many times he had said that.

  “Wait, Damnit!” Steven limp-ran to the bus stop as the yellow monstrosity pulled away. More than one sneer or scowl flashed as the row of windows rolled by. He leaned against the bus stop bench for a moment. Riding the bus was a new thing. He usually preferred to walk to school, but after the previous day's events, the walk was just too much.

  Steven’s grief turned to shock as a car careened across the intersection against the traffic light. He recognized the car—It was Leonard’s, or was it David’s? The bus impacted the car at the driver’s side door, and the car careened violently through the intersection, pedestrians leaping out of the way. The red hatchback struck the curb at an angle, flipped up on two wheels, and landed on the ubiquitous yellow fire hydrant that adorned every corner.

  Gasps of relief turned to terror as a stream of water gushed out from the shattered window and the frame of the door.

  They get what they deserve, the voice intoned.

  “Shut it,” commanded Steven. He loped toward the intersection, expecting Leonard and David to extricate themselves from the wrecked car.

  The open windows of the bus let loose screams and sounds of panic. Steve pushed on the closed folding bus door, but it was locked. The driver blinked, making brief eye contact with Steven before pinching his bloody nose. Steve walked toward the car and saw the water spilling over the door. Leonard’s face pressed against the steering wheel inches above the torrent of water. David pulled on his friend’s shoulder, attempting to extricate Leonard from the seatbelt.

  They drown in their righteousness!

  Steven rolled his eyes and reached for the door handle. It refused to disengage but did allow a gap between the door and frame. Water poured out from the new gap. David met Steven’s eyes, the fear evident on his face.

  Revenge!

  Steven smirked for a moment, and David must’ve known the voice’s command. Steven shook his head and looked around the intersection. A downed street sign was wedged in the hatchback’s rear wheel well. Steven grunted as he pulled the sign free, pain shooting through his shoulders, ribs, and up his back. He wedged the twisted end between the door and frame and heaved with all his might.

  Nothing.

  He braced to try again, and a familiar scent of vanilla plagued him. Ruby grabbed the end beyond Steven’s grip. Her face matched her hair as she strained against the sign pole. More hands added to their struggle; more grunts added to their might. With a wrenching of metal, the door separated from its frame. Steven collapsed under the torrent of freed water. Feet stepped on his hands and kicked sore spots. For the first time since Lindsay’s death, Steven was sure these assaults were truly accidents. For just a moment, he felt at peace.

  The voice had nothing to say.

  The crowd of students and onlookers pulled first Leonard, then David from the wreckage. Flashing red and blue lights marked the arrival of the police and fire department. More than one responder met Steven’s eyes. Their faces were pinched not with disgust but determination. A first responder reached down to a waterlogged Steven. Helping the boy to his feet, the firefighter was already moving on to the next person.

  It wasn’t absolution, and the first responder likely didn’t recognize Steven in his current state, but it was the first genuine human contact Steven felt in the longest time. He looked around for his backpack, spotting it on the curb. He grabbed it and squelched back to the halfway house.

  Steven missed homeroom and the first two classes of the day. He didn’t think anyone would miss him, but after changing his clothes at the halfway house the long trudge to school, he wasn’t even sure if anyone in his classes made it. A sliver of hope filled him as he remembered the scent of vanilla and the sounds of people working together to free Leonard and David.

  The apathy he experienced throughout the day was an odd comfort. Robert was in each of his classes, and his worry over Ruby’s absence was apparent. The relief of their reunion was palpable, and the class was riddled with snickers and other sounds to their public display of affection. Ruby sat next to Robert, turned to meet Steven’s eyes, then focused on an increasingly agitated instructor.

  Steven could’ve left the school at any time, but there was nowhere for him to go other than back to the halfway house. The wi-fi sucked there, and the common room was always occupied. Steven decided to stay after school to work on his webpage. He overheard Steven and Ruby whispering and caught her glance more than once. He didn’t know what they were whispering about, but it was obvious Robert wasn’t happy staying late at school.

  Robert squirmed and, now and again, gave Steven a suspicious look. Time went on until Steven, Robert, and Ruby were the only ones left in the class aside from the instructor. The instructor finally rose from her wooden desk and spoke to the three. “Okay, guys, it’s 4 pm. You should all go home.”

  Steven quickly looked up and said, “Actually, Miss, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to stay for a while, at least until the night class starts at six. Would that be all right?”

  Taken back slightly at Steven’s politeness, the instructor couldn’t help but smile. When she looked at Robert, who was already standing with everything packed, her eyes landed on Ruby still sitting at her desk with her laptop open.

  Before either Robert or the instructor could say anything, Ruby announced, “I want to stay as well, please. I have work that I need to catch up on after this morning.” The instructor nodded her understanding and waited by the door for Robert to leave. Robert dropped next to Ruby and said in hushed tones, “Ruby, you can’t be serious? You’re not going to stay with him still here, are you?”

  Ruby smirked and replied, “Seriously, Robert, as if he would do anything. I just have work I need to do. We won’t even look at each other.” Robert started to argue, but the instructor cleared her throat loudly. Unable to do anything else, Robert whispered for her to be careful and left the room. The instructor followed, locking the door behind her.

  Steven wasn’t entirely sure why he was doing the work. When he had decided to come back to school yet again, he had never even considered doing the work. But designing the website was distracting his mind, and the voice, though still speaking to him, sounded as if it was doing so from a great distance.

  There was silence for several minutes; the only noise was the tapping of the keyboard from Steven.

  Steven heard a movement behind him but didn’t turn around. There was no keyboard typing, so Ruby wasn’t working. Why had she stayed?

  She is going to get you. That’s why she has stayed. Don’t let her do it!

  Steven remembered Ruby’s slap, but also her presence rescuing Leonard and David. He gave his head a slight shake. As much sense as that voice made, he knew it couldn’t be right. Ruby may have slapped him, but she didn’t seem the type of person to wait till they are alone so that she could attack him. As if I even know her, his brain retorted. So, if she wasn’t trying to attack him, what was she trying to do?

  Ruby walked cautiously over to
Steven.

  “Um, Steven?” she said carefully. Although he did not look at her, Steven stopped typing on the computer. “I just…just w-wanted to ask you…something.”

  Steven slowly turned to face her. She stared into his eyes for a long moment, as if maybe she saw something there that she recognized, then shuddered slightly.

  “I-I wanted…to ask about…about Lindsay.”

  Steven stared stoically at Ruby for a few seconds and then looked back at his computer. He began typing again and whispered, “I didn’t kill her.”

  Ruby waited a few seconds, and when Steven didn’t continue, she pressed the topic.

  “Well, I was just wondering…I mean, how can you be so…s-sure?”

  Steven stopped typing but still didn’t look at her. “I’m sure.” He said flatly. He didn’t resume typing. He just stared at the screen. He felt tears in his eyes.

  “But…how did she d-die?”

  Steven turned back to look at Ruby. His eyes were now filled with tears, yet he refused to let himself cry. Taking a deep breath, Steven said, “She killed herself. She slit her wrist in my bathroom and bled to death. It’s as simple as that.”

  Ruby stared hard at him with suspicious eyes. “Well, why did she kill herself?” Ruby said a bit loudly. “I mean, no one kills themselves for no reason. She said she did it for you. What did that mean?”

  “She thought I would be happy with her death!” Steven yelled, causing Ruby to recoil. He held up his hands, palms out toward her, causing Ruby to recoil further. He sucked in a deep breath, ignoring a twinge in his ribs. He continued in a calm that he only vaguely remembered.

  “She thought I would be happy if she were dead. We argued all the time. I knew we should have broken up, I just knew it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was…I was too scared. I was worried. I didn’t…I didn’t know what she would do if we broke up, I mean. She talked about hearing a voice, about it telling her to do things. That’s what told her to kill herself. It…it convinced her it was what I wanted. S-she…she thought everything would be better. That’s why she said she did it for me. She thought she was making it right. She…she gave in.”