Mental State

by M Gardner

  Ruby clenched her fists, and her voice went low. “So, it’s her fault, is it? You’re saying she was silly and weak, so she just gave up?”

  “DID I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BEING HER FAULT?”

  Ruby fell backward and quickly pulled herself up. Tears were now forming in her eyes, and Steven was letting his tears fall.

  “I never said it was her fault! We argued; we were constantly fighting! I’m as much to blame as she is! But in no way did I make her kill herself! I would have helped if I could, but I didn’t know…I didn’t know.” Steven trailed off and slumped. He fell back into the chair and sobbed into his hands.

  Part 2

  /Alive/

  11 Changes/Truth

  Ruby

  The day at school started as usual. Everyone arrived in class, their chattering showing that they were happy—well as happy as anyone could be in school, Ruby thought and smiled to herself. When the teacher walked in and the class started, there was the usual murmur of acknowledgment at Steven’s absence. The chatter just reinforced the aura of happiness. Ruby sighed, surprised to find a little part of her upset that Steven hadn’t arrived.

  The knock on the door was unexpected. Everyone in the class jumped slightly, including the teacher. She approached quickly and opened the door so no one in the class can see who was there.

  There were several words exchanged, and both Robert and Ruby raised their eyebrows at each other. The teacher went from angry to defeated as she moved back, and there followed a furious uproar.

  Ruby knew that Steven wouldn’t expect a warm welcome. The teacher insisted that he leave, not for his protection but simply because she did not want him here, and the cries of anger merely confirmed this even more.

  Everyone jumped up from their seats, yelling and shaking their fists. David and Leonard began to charge forward, obviously intent on beating Steven again. Robert cried out angrily. The cacophony of voices overlapped, but there was an element of continuity.

  Murderer! Freak! Killer!

  Ruby sat there in shock.

  Why did he come back?

  Even after everything that had happened, even with the knowledge, he would be beaten, severely, Steven had returned to school. Everyone pushed their way toward Steven, only refusing to attack him at the repeated warnings of the teacher that anyone who did would be expelled. It didn’t look as if her warnings mattered, but then the school security guard walked in after them and leaned against the back wall. He made eye contact with several students as if to say, “Try it, punk.”

  Steven walked past everyone, not looking or speaking, and took a seat at his desk. He pulled out his laptop and turned it on—possibly for the first time in months. Everyone reluctantly returned to their seats but didn’t stop hurling insults and comments toward Steven.

  Robert sat down with a scowl and turned to Ruby. “Can you believe he bothered to come back here?” Ruby didn’t feel the same way, but she knew what he expected of her. She frowned and nodded. Seemingly satisfied, Robert turned back angrily at Steven, who was surprisingly doing work.

  The stories she heard didn’t fit with what she saw Steven do earlier. And what about his emotional outburst? Ruby felt excitement welling up inside her. Steven was here now at school. She could ask him everything she wanted to know and find out what she suspected was the unfortunate truth. Then she found a flaw in her plan. There was no way she could ask with Robert around; he would flip out at the sight of her talking to Steven.

  Ruby looked at her laptop screen but couldn’t concentrate on it. How was she going to get Steven alone? Would she even get any kind of chance like that? Or would all the people that hate Steven get to him first?

  The day dragged on. Ruby was convinced that the clock had stopped, and so had the world. It was unbearable, but she suspected more so for Steven. People picked on him constantly, telling him off and sometimes hitting him despite the teacher’s warnings. Robert got hardly any work done at all. He spent most of his time either talking about Steven or staying close to Ruby. It seemed to her that Robert seemed even more determined to be close to her since Steven returned.

  By the end of the day, the attacks on Steven seemed to have died down, but the hate for him hung in the air like a putrid smell. As the other students began to leave, Robert looked expectantly at Ruby. This was when they usually went, and he was surprised to find Ruby was still working.

  Puzzlement crossed his face. “What’s up? Aren’t we leaving?” he asked.

  Ruby shook her head and replied, “I have a lot of work to do. My parents are both working late today, so I want to try and get as much as I can done today.”

  Robert smiled and said, “That’s fine. I can wait.” He then opened the Internet and began surfing anime websites.

  Ruby was a ball of nerves. She glanced at Steven, ensuring Robert didn’t see. Steven was busy with his laptop. He practically hugged it as other students walked by. He had already done a lot of homework, but he still had much to do to catch up. The teacher seemed to be acting nicer toward him, which was a surprise to Ruby.

  Ruby observed Steven for a few minutes but quickly returned to her work. She needed to get Steven alone, or at the very least talk to him without Robert around, but getting Robert to leave would be difficult. Robert loved being near Ruby and refused to leave without her.

  Robert squirmed and, now and again, gave Steven a suspicious look. Time went on until Steven, Robert, and Ruby were the only ones left in the class other than the teacher. The teacher finally rose from her chair and spoke to the three. “OK, guys, it’s five o’clock. You should go home now.”

  Ruby grabbed her bag and ran out of the room. The last glimpse she got was Steven still at his desk in front of his computer with his face in his hands. Ruby didn’t stop running until she was in front of her building. She dropped onto the concrete steps and tried to rub the tears from her puffy, red eyes. She shook as she thought of her encounter with Steven only yesterday.

  She didn’t cry because she was scared. She wasn’t crying because she was upset that Steven yelled at her, nor was she crying because she regretted speaking to him. She was now crying because she knew the truth, the truth no one else realized or bothered to take the time to find out. His truth made her ashamed of her past actions and thoughts. The absolute and undeniable fact hit her hard: Steven hadn’t killed Lindsay. Steven was innocent.

  The next day, Ruby’s head was still spinning. She struggled to concentrate on her laptop screen—thoughts stacked inside her head like hundreds of cars caught in the most disorganized intersection ever built.

  The thought that Steven was innocent had seemed crazy only days ago, but once she had heard the truth of what really happened, Ruby knew Steven had nothing to do with Ruby’s death. He was innocent.

  A more significant problem loomed. How was she going to tell everyone else? Even looking around the classroom now, she could tell it was going to be difficult. Everyone still slung disgusted looks at Steven from time to time, and many sent him death glares.

  Ruby watched Robert. Although he didn’t look at Steven, his silence since the brown-haired boy’s arrival confirmed Ruby’s suspicions. He would be difficult to convince, maybe the hardest of all. She wondered how he had become so adamant in Steven’s guilt when they had been friends until the days after Lindsay’s death. He told her that he saw the truth, that his friends helped him see Steven for what he was, but it sounded to her a lot like an excuse made by a boy who was easily led. She should know—she was that same boy at her old school: going along to get along.

  Ruby glanced at Steven typing away at his laptop. The only other person who didn’t seem to hate Steven was the teacher, who appeared happier since he had begun doing work again. But did the woman believe in Steven’s innocence, or was she simply content to have a violence-free classroom again?

  Ruby sighed heavily as she turned back to her screen. She knew what she had to do, and it would be difficult, but she had to try. It was the right thing
to do.

  Robert walked out of the classroom but stopped at the door when he realized Ruby wasn’t with him. He turned to return to her and found himself face to face with Steven. Neither spoke.

  Steven shifted slightly, his eyes everywhere but on Robert as Robert’s shocked expression slowly turned into the familiar mask of hatred. Robert looked as if he wanted to say something but instead settled for shoving past Steven back into the classroom. Ruby watched as Steven winced but took the abuse from his former friend like a pacifist martyr. She wondered how anyone could think he was capable of something as cruel and destructive as the death of his girlfriend.

  Robert sauntered up to Ruby and engaged in conversation with her. The pain in Steven’s eyes was palpable as he watched Robert from the doorway. She couldn’t concentrate on what Robert said. Ruby cast Steven a quick look before focusing on Robert’s words. Steven turned and walked away.

  Ruby hadn’t spoken to Steven since that explosive afternoon, only giving him fleeting looks. While the looks seemed to annoy Steven, at least she wasn’t glaring. The only other person who seemed to have changed their mind was the teacher.

  Sure enough, just as Ruby thought about this, the teacher popped out of a doorway and approached Steven.

  “Good Morning, Steven,” the teacher said.

  Steven replied to the teacher’s greeting. She seemed to strain slightly before speaking. “Steven, I just wanted to say something.” She straightened up before continuing. “I want to apologize for how I’ve treated you over the past few months. I’m not saying I don’t think you were involved with…” She paused and seemed to think better of the train of thought. “You have shown a resilience that I can’t ignore, and with your renewed interest in graduating, I can’t stand by without helping you to succeed. I don’t know what happened between you and Lindsay, but that isn’t for me to judge or punish. I’m your teacher, and I’m going to start acting like one again.”

  Steven stood there open-mouthed. He could only manage a small “Thanks” before he exited the classroom. What just happened? Had Steven won over another person? Maybe her quest was not in vain.

  “What exactly are you trying to say?”

  Robert crossed his arms and glared at her. Ruby fidgeted. She knew talking to Robert about Steven would be difficult, but she hadn’t realized it would be this bad.

  Robert dropped his arms and softened his voice. “Come on, Ruby. What were you saying about Steven?”

  Ruby took a deep breath and said, “Well, I was just wondering if…if you thought there w-was any…possibility, that maybe S-Steven was…innocent?”

  The look on Robert’s face gave Ruby all the answers she needed. He looked Ruby right in the eye and retorted, “What do you mean ‘innocent’?”

  “W-Well, you know…” Ruby was shaking slightly at the look of anger on Robert’s face. “It’s just… I talked to him and…”

  “YOU WHAT?” Robert yelled, and Ruby stumbled back. Tears filled her eyes that she struggled to hold back.

  Robert advanced on her, and she tried to hold her ground, but she was shaking terribly. Robert put his face in front of hers and roared, “I told you to stay away from him! He’s a murderer; he’s scum! How could you even look at him? ANSWER ME!”

  Tears ran down Ruby’s cheeks like rivulets down a pane of glass during a rainstorm. She screeched back, “He’s innocent! He told me what really happened! He didn’t kill her!”

  “Bullshit!” Robert roared, throwing his arms in the air. He forced Ruby into a chair.

  “Now, you listen to me!” He thrust a finger into her face. “Steven killed Lindsay! He did it! He had to! Never speak to him again! NEVER AGAIN!” Tears were now streaming down his face as well, and Ruby was sobbing.

  It was a few minutes before Robert calmed down, a look of horror dawning on his face as he realized his mistake. He launched forward and pulled Ruby into a hug, and at first, Ruby relished the hug and the fact they were no longer fighting.

  But then Robert kissed her, and it felt wrong like he was forcing himself upon her. She tried to pull back and push him away, but he was in a frenzy as if he needed to kiss her to show how much he felt for her. As if kissing her would erase that he just pushed her into a chair and yelled at her.

  When Ruby’s knee connected with his groin, a yelp escaped his lips, and he fell to the floor, rolling in pain. Ruby wiped her lips and gagged slightly. She looked down at the angry boy on the floor. “You’re wrong and disgusting! Steven is innocent; I know it, and nothing can change that!”

  Ruby stormed out of the room, tears streaming down her face. “Ruby…wait!” Robert gasped, trying to stand but failing. He couldn’t remove his hands from his crotch to push himself off the floor. Ruby ran down the hall and out of the school, refusing to stop. No one would believe her. She had to prove Steven’s innocence another way.

  She had to spend time with Steven and show everyone that he wasn’t a monster, but the same boy they had all been attending school with all those years. She had to prove his innocence by being his friend.

  12 Ally/Innocent

  Steven

  Steven picked up his drink and looked around the cafeteria. That wasn’t what they called it, but that was what it felt like. It was a line of foodservice workers who were only interested in moving as many people through as fast as possible. The rows of plastic and metal picnic tables with connected benches belonged in a school cafeteria. They even folded up like the ones at Twin Oaks High School. He sighed heavily and made his way to his room. It wasn’t “his” room—at least not the way he had a room at his old apartment or even when he lived at home with his parents. Before… Steven let the thought die. He didn’t have the processing power to think about that on top of everything else. He smiled. “Processing Power” was a phrase that Robert used to use to describe everything. His best friend was a nerd through and through. The thought caused his heart to race. Robert wasn’t his friend anymore. He gazed up at the ceiling and then across his “room” and paused on the bunks. He sighed, grabbed his laptop out of his backpack, leaving it draped over the metal frame of his bed, and headed to the common room. He had done quite a bit of work at school and in the evenings at the shelter to catch up on the schoolwork he missed. As he wandered into the common room, more than one set of eyes met his, however brief, and returned to their tasks.

  They want you to leave. They want you gone!

  Steven stopped and stood, listening to the voice’s taunts. It had happened again a day or two before, and Steven had almost taken his life again. He held the knife, considered ending it all, but once again, he had refused to give up. He had denied the voice what it wanted.

  Steven still wondered why he denied the voice. What exactly was he achieving? Sure, he was doing school still, and the teacher seemed to have begun to take a liking to him. He caught Ruby looking at him again and again. But was it worth it? Everyone still hated him with a passion. The voice was right when it said they wanted him gone.

  Dead, corrected the voice.

  Steven sighed and kept walking. He didn’t know how much longer he would be able to hold on.

  When Steven arrived at school, it was the new normal. He got dirty looks as he entered the classroom from everyone but the teacher, who smiled at him, not a super warm one, but a smile, nonetheless.

  Steven sat down at his desk and began work on his laptop. He had only been typing for a few minutes when someone sat down next to him. He thought it was David or Leonard, probably wanting to pick a new fight with him, and he took a deep breath as he turned to face whatever new abuse was going to come his way. At the sight, his mouth dropped open in shock.

  Ruby was sitting next to him, and she was smiling at him like an old friend. Steven stared at Ruby for what seemed like ages. Why was she sitting next to him and looking at him as if they were friends? What the hell was going on?

  “How are you, Steven?” Ruby asked, her voice chipper. It was as if they had always been friends. Most of th
e class was watching Ruby in stunned silence. Robert looked as if he was going to be sick.

  Steven stammered, “I…uh…I’m good.”

  “Well, that’s good to hear,” Ruby said, beginning her work with a smile. “I’m OK, too. I’m a little tired, though; I didn’t get the best sleep last night. But I’ll go to bed earlier tonight to try and make up for it.”

  Steven’s mouth gaped, and the rest of the class stared at her in a similar state of confusion. He realized that she was waiting for some sort of reply. After too long a moment, he said, “I slept fine…uh…I guess.”

  Steven looked around the room. Everyone was watching them, and most seemed torn between getting up and taking Ruby away or beating up Steven. Luckily, indecision won out, and most of the class just stared. Robert, on the other hand, visibly fumed. If Steven knew his old friend the way he thought he did, he would guess Robert was wondering how Steven had gotten Ruby to sit with him and what he could do to stop it.

  Throughout the classes, Steven wondered what Ruby was doing. Why was she nice to him? Why was she talking to him? Had the truth Steven told her gotten through to her? Or was this some sort of elaborate prank?

  It’s a trick.

  Steven tried to ignore the voice through its grating insistence.

  She’s trying to confuse you. They’re all going to get you!

  Steven couldn’t help but think the voice was right.