Mental State

by M Gardner

  He looked across the street to a municipal park. “We can go there. It’ll take a bit to tell you.”

  Ruby squeezed his hand again and nodded. He pulled her across the street, their joined hands like a lifeline in the bustling city. A lifeline she intended to cherish.

  They dodged the sparse traffic. At the centerline, Ruby pulled up to an abrupt stop. Something caused her to pause. It was as if her brain knew something that she didn’t. She looked back toward the various buildings with no space between the facades. There were plenty of shadows as the morning sun shone down on them.

  The dark miasma of the shadows coalesced into figures and faces. My mind must be playing tricks on me, she thought. Steven tugged on her arm, and they continued across the street and into the park. She couldn’t shake the feeling that they were being watched, but she dismissed it, instead focusing on the crucial thing Steven was about to share.

  It didn’t take them too long to find a park bench that wasn’t occupied—either by people sitting on top of it or someone sleeping beneath it.

  Steven collapsed to the bench and pulled her down to sit next to him. “That place we stopped at. That was a soup kitchen where…”

  Ruby leaned forward and nodded.

  Steven sighed, closed his eyes, and let her hand drop to her lap. “That was where Lindsay had our first uh...our first date.” He clasped his hands together, and the side of his lips quirked up ever so slightly lost in the memory.

  His eyes snapped open, and his intense gaze met hers. “I think it was a date.” He smiled sheepishly. “We’d done stuff together before this, but this was the first time we planned it as a date. Lindsay kinda took charge. She was big into giving back to the community. We did stuff like cleaning up this park.” He waved his arm to encompass the view from the park bench. His eyes found another bench with a bundle of newspaper underneath. It was apparent that it was a homeless person. Steven sucked in a breath and shook his head.

  “We walked dogs at the pound—you know that sort of thing.” He focused on her eyes again. “It really wasn’t even the first time that we’d volunteered at this soup kitchen either. We did that separately. She’d hand out plastic spoons and stuff. And I…well, let’s just say that I’m killer on a broom and dustpan.” He smiled and performed a bow.

  His smile was genuine. Ruby could tell that he was genuinely proud of sweeping up garbage at the soup kitchen. He looked back over his shoulder and up to the street above where the soup kitchen was. A wind rose off the water feature, and a shiver ran down her spine. Steven noticed right away. He reached out tenderly and rubbed her arms. “Let’s get somewhere warmer,” he declared.

  “I’m all right,” Ruby insisted. “This is important to you.” She grabbed his outstretched arms and leaned into him. His body heat was noticeable through their clothes.

  “Okay,” he replied. She could feel the rumbling of his voice through his chest.

  She closed her eyes and focused on his voice.

  “Well, it was our first official date. Leonard and David teased us all week because it was on a Saturday.” He gulped. “Robert too,” he started.

  She felt the pressure as he breathed in deep and exhaled slowly.

  “Anyway, I was super nervous. I mean, we’d both volunteered there. There are only so many places you can volunteer to get your hours, ya know?”

  He shifted on the park bench, and she felt his arms wrap around her.

  “It was at the end of the breakfast rush. A guy came in. A homeless guy. He looked so… so ragged. He was covered in like three coats. But his hands…His hands were like a skeleton’s fingers. His knuckles were dirty—I…I remember that. I’ve never told anyone this next part—Not even Lindsay…”

  He shifted on the bench again, squeezing Ruby tighter. It was as if whatever confession he voiced, he didn’t want her to escape. A deep breath followed by a rumble in his chest.

  “I was disgusted by him.”

  He paused, and Ruby held her breath, and Steven continued, “I was disgusted, but Lindsay…Lindsay wasn’t. I could see it in her eyes: Compassion. That poor homeless guy just tore at her heartstrings. I don’t know what it was about him—or even if it was just about him, but she walked behind the soup line in step with this dude. I remember one of the other volunteers scooped out the ladle and plopped it into his bowl. Lindsay nudged the volunteer’s elbow. It was another kid from our school, but he knew what she wanted: He scooped another helping into the homeless guy’s bowl. An old lady was the next volunteer. I remember she smiled at Lindsay and put two hunks of bread on top of the bowl. We were about to close anyway, and everyone did their part to make sure this guy had a hot meal.”

  Steven shuddered. Then emitted a slight sniffle. “That was when I knew I was into that girl. She had me right there. I was disgusted, but she was compassionate. Through her downward spiral, I always saw her in that singular moment.”

  Ruby flinched as a drop landed on her upturned face. A tear. Steven was crying over the memory of his girlfriend. He lifted her up and cleared his throat. “Some heavy stuff, huh?”

  Ruby opened her eyes and met his. “There’s no need to make it into a joke, Steven,” she said. “Memories like that, they’re who we are, ya know?”

  Steven nodded and wiped away watery eyes with the palms of his hands.

  He leaned forward, clapped his hands together, and stood from the bench. “Thanks for listening to my story,” he said and held out his hand to help her off the bench.

  Her stomach growled in the silence that followed. Her ears burned with embarrassment as she reached out to grasp his hand. Steven smiled, pulled her up, and declared. “Food!”

  They followed the path back to the street.

  “Food,” Steven repeated, “and then there’s more of this fine, fine city to show you!”

  16 Kiss/Spy

  Robert

  As Steven and Ruby roamed the streets, Robert struggled to understand precisely how Ruby must feel about Steven. He knew she liked him; that much was obvious; otherwise, she would not have asked him out. The real, pressing question was how much she liked him.

  At first, he thought it was just something like a bit of a crush of sorts, brought on by a shared bond in being ostracized for things out of their control, but now he wasn’t so sure. Her feelings ran deep—they were the same feelings that once were directed at him. But were her feeling toward Steven real? If so, did that mean that her feeling toward him was somehow less real? It couldn’t be; they were too strong. They felt too real.

  She obviously enjoyed spending time with Steven and did as often as she could. Robert felt a twinge of betrayal. She used to spend a lot of her time with him. He was funny and had a bright outlook on life. What did Steven have to offer her? Someone to support. Someone to help him out of the funk Lindsay’s death had thrown over his life. Ruby didn’t need to confess the shock at the person she now thought Steven is. Her heartbreak over Steven’s life was evident in her voice as they talked. It figured that Steven would use his tragic life as a tool to worm his way into her heart.

  Ruby glanced at Steven. He returned her glance with a crooked smile on his face. She blushed, grinned, and took his hand. Robert expected one of them to lurch away awkwardly, but they seemed to melt into each other.

  Robert fumed and swore under his breath. They were actually having fun. They were enjoying each other’s company. How could this be happening? Were they going to end up together? Had Steven changed back?

  He is trying to get to you, prove you are weak, and steal everything you love.

  “Yes,” Robert muttered under his breath. That had to be it; the voice was right. Robert quickly ducked out of his hiding place and headed down the street after Steven and Ruby.

  Steven hadn’t changed. He was no better a person than the boy who had fought with Lindsay all those nights, who had driven her to commit the ultimate sacrifice of herself just to appease him. He was tricking everyone into forgetting what he did, and he was
trying to make Robert look bad. He was trying to get back at him because he knew Robert was the one who deserved their friendship, admiration, and love. That was it. Steven was jealous.

  But Robert couldn’t let him get what he wanted. He had to save Ruby and his friends from Steven’s lies. If he allowed the brown-haired fiend to continue, soon everyone would be lost in his lies, and no one would ever speak of Lindsay again. Not until it was too late; not until Steven had ruined Ruby, too.

  Robert observed Steven as he talked and laughed. His once best friend was now a murderer and a liar. And a betrayer. He never thought it could happen, but the truth had always been right in front of him. And he hated Steven for it.

  You can’t change the past. Change the future.

  “Yes,” Robert said aloud. “I’ll do it. I’ll save her. I’ll save them all.”

  Ruby playfully bumped into Steven as they walked, and Steven gave a little bump back. Ruby blushed a furious red and looked around. Steven watched Ruby for a minute, taking in her gleaming skin and beautiful, red hair. She indeed was breathtaking. Robert felt a slight jolt in his stomach and gasped to keep from crying out.

  Steven stopped and looked over his shoulder. Robert darted into an alley.

  “Are you OK?” Ruby asked.

  Steven smiled and nodded. He opened his mouth to respond but must have seen Robert dash between buildings. Robert cursed himself for being so careless.

  Robert could see the gears turning on Steven’s face. He was mulling through what he had seen. The epiphany was evident, and Steven tore his arm from Ruby’s and spun around, looking wildly for another sign of their pursuer.

  “What’s wrong?” Ruby asked, concerned and looking around as well.

  “I thought…” Steven said. Robert knew that they couldn’t see him. There was a dumpster at the end of the alley, and he crouched behind it, the corner of the building almost obscuring his view. But he also knew that he couldn’t let this go. He had to protect Ruby even if she didn’t know it. He could be the silent hero—protecting her from afar.

  Ruby lightly placed her hand on Steven’s arm and said, “You think you saw Robert, don’t you?” Steven slowly nodded, looking down into her eyes. “I know. I thought I saw him a few times today as well,” Ruby said, catching Steven by surprise. “We both want him to be our friend again. I guess because it’s at the back of our minds, we keep thinking we see him.”

  Steven nodded. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Ruby’s, and she couldn’t take hers off his. Robert could feel their connection from his hiding spot. It felt almost corporeal, it was so strong, and as they gazed into each other’s eyes, Robert watched in horror as their connection pulled them toward each other.

  They moved ever closer. Time slowed as Robert watched the event unfold less than twenty feet away. His senses became heightened. He noticed things that he shouldn’t. He could read the body language of the couple as if they were narrating an online video.

  No, they weren’t a couple, Robert reminded himself, Steven is a murderer, and Ruby is his next victim.

  Ruby stared at Steven’s lips with want in her eyes. Steven’s dumbstruck face could only reflect his elation. It wasn’t hard to imagine the butterflies in Steven’s stomach—they were the same butterflies that Robert had when Ruby first stared at him.

  No, no, no, no! Robert cried silently. There was only one result to their making eyes at each other, and he dreaded it with every fiber of his being.

  Their lips connected. A great dread poured over Robert. That dread filled every part of him. It was like water rushing, and he was afraid that the dread would explode out of him like a broken fire hydrant. All the problems that had ever plagued Robert’s mind exploded into a thousand raging shards and amplified and compounded endlessly. His rage was inverse to their happiness. And by the look of them, they were quite happy.

  Ruby’s body quaked as she pulled Steven closer with desperate, clinging hands.

  Steven wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. For that single moment, all joy was forgotten, and for Robert, the world froze. At that moment, Robert felt like his life was over.

  Robert’s fists shook relentlessly, and he found his mind was consumed with blind rage. He watched them bind each other with their arms, and for him, their kiss seemed to last an eternity. Thoughts raced around in his mind, and he was unsure of what he would do next. How could they kiss? How could this happen? Ruby was meant to be his. How could he save her now?

  Robert tore from his hiding place and sprinted down the alley to the nearest bus station. He boarded the bus in a fury and slammed himself into the seat. As the bus moved, he fidgeted restlessly, and his leg bounced of its own accord.

  He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to think. He punched the empty seat in front of him several times and got strange looks from the other passengers. Steven and Ruby together! His mind almost bled at the thought. What was he to do now? How could he rescue a girl who had fallen in love with her captor? Why was he running away? Robert was the hero. He leaped up from his seat, pulled the emergency wire, and stomped to the front of the bus.

  Steven and Ruby’s hands clasped together for what seemed like the millionth time that day as they stood outside Ruby’s building. Neither one relinquished their shared grip for several moments. Robert almost snorted at their public display of affection but kept himself under control, not wanting to alert them to his hidden presence. He went to her building and waited for their inevitable return. His knees protested their abuse but moving now would ruin everything. They finally parted and smiled at each other. “I won’t see you until next Monday,” Ruby said with an upset look on her face.

  Steven smiled and replied, “That’s OK. We can make up for the time apart when we see each other again.” Ruby smiled, and they kissed again.

  After another ten minutes of kissing, goodbyes, and promises to keep in touch, they finally separated. Ruby entered her building blushing, and Steven began skipping down her steps and onto the sidewalk.

  Steven looked so happy, happier than Robert had ever remembered. No, he did remember: it was those first few weeks when he and Lindsay got together and made it official. Things were turning back to normal. Steven had the most beautiful girl in the world on his side, and what’s more, he seemed to have forgotten about Lindsay. Robert wondered for a moment if Steven could have saved Lindsay if their relationship had been stronger.

  Robert stopped following Steven and sat on steps leading to one of Ruby’s neighboring buildings. If Lindsay had still been alive, then Steven wouldn’t have pursued Ruby. Ruby and Robert would probably still be together. The happiness that She shared with Steven was rightfully his!

  He shook his head and walked down the sidewalk toward his building. He fought the tears welling in his eyes. He wasn’t sad, he was angry!

  He took her from you.

  Robert punched his wall again with a scream, tears streaming down his face. There were cuts on his knuckles, and blood now streaked the point he had been punching. Robert sat on his bed, trying to wipe away the tears with bloody knuckles. Ruby should have been his. Everything seemed right with her around.

  Teach him his place.

  Why did this happen? he implored the voice. Why did she leave me?

  If you let him walk all over you, he won’t ever stop.

  The flow of tears stopped as new anger flooded Robert’s being. No, not anger. Rage. Everything wrong with Robert’s life was Steven’s fault way before Ruby had come into the picture.

  Don’t let him win.

  It all started with him, and it would all end with him. Wiping his blood-streaked face, Robert looked up with a malicious smile as the voice rang in his mind.

  Kill him!

  On Monday morning, Robert sniffed and rubbed his nose. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and pulled his hood further down. He didn’t want Steven to see him. He felt a gurgle of disgust in his stomach as he glared at the brown-haired boy with a look of absolut
e hatred.

  Teach him his place in the world.

  “Yes,” Robert muttered under his breath. “I’ll show him.” He shuffled closer but made sure Steven wouldn’t spot him. Steven looked so happy, so content, so carefree. How can he act so happy after all the pain he has caused?

  Steven had no intention of going to school, at least not yet. There was something he needed to do first. He had to prepare if he wanted his plan to work out.

  Robert fidgeted when the bus pulled up, wishing Steven would leave faster. When Steven climbed on the bus, and the doors closed, Robert stepped out into the light and removed his hood.

  “Robert!” Steven yelled and banged the window. “Why are you ditching school?” Or at least that’s what Robert thought he said. The bus jerked and merged into traffic as Steven continued to bang on the window.

  Robert watched as the bus drove away. He smirked at the panicking Steven, watching him pound and yell at the window like someone being left behind, and declared, “Soon, Steven, soon.”

  The plan was already working out precisely the way he imagined it. Steven would know soon enough why he was ditching school, but for now, he could wonder. For now, he could be the one who suffered.

  17 Reunion/Plans

  Ruby

  Ruby walked around the building for the third time; she was getting more and more fidgety. The school was a big square with a hallway on the perimeter. The hallway connected to the auto shop and woodworking lab in one direction and the cafeteria and gymnasium in the other. Two more intersections separated the library from the auditorium and the foodservice quad from the computer lab. They could get a full-sized sedan down the hallways. It couldn’t turn at any of the intersections, and five of the eight double doors ended at concrete steps that led to the parking lot and streets. She didn’t know why they would do something like that, especially since the auto shop had huge rolling doors to the parking lot. When the weather was bad—which, let’s face it, is all the darn time—the track team would run laps down the center of the hallway. Blue and yellow tape marked a single lane for them to run single file. She followed their path, ticking off each lap. A sign above one of the intersections listed how many laps was a quarter-mile, half-mile, and a full mile. She lost track of her repetitions, but it was nice to know that she could tally the laps if she had to do it. It was pointless though, her smartphone could track her steps, but she assumed that the tally was leftover from a bygone era—an era where smartphones and fitness trackers weren’t so prolific.