Mental State

by M Gardner

  She had come to school early to meet with Steven, but it looked like he would be late. She rechecked her smartphone. No texts from Steven since last night. She held it up and squinted at the icons at the top. Full signal—that wasn’t the problem. She finally sat near their first classroom of the day with her back against a bank of lockers and waited. And waited. She had missed feeling Steven’s lips against hers so badly over their long weekend. She needed to feel that warmth again.

  It wasn’t just the kissing or holding hands, either. She felt a deep connection to Steven. She couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was their shared experiences. Perhaps it was his depth of emotion that she yearned for. She usually wasn’t the type of girl that over-analyzed things either. She just kind of went with it. It resulted in soaring highs and devastating lows. With that kind of love of life, she made fast friends—and quick enemies. But Steven made her see things differently. As if her view had always been askew, and he focused her like a knob on one of the many pay binoculars they visited in their tour of the city.

  When she spotted the brown-haired boy shuffling along the hallway, she hopped to her feet and sprinted toward him.

  “What took you so long to get here?” She demanded in mock sincerity.

  “Hey…” Steven began. His shoulders slumped. She could feel the weight of his thoughts. He didn’t need to say anything. Did something happen? No matter, she knew how to cheer him up.

  Ruby tackled him, and her arms wrapped around his neck as their lips connected. She pressed him against the lockers, and animalistic desire overrode her instincts. They kissed for what seemed like ages once more, and Steven seemed as reluctant as she did when they finally stopped. When they did separate, both of them were slightly red in the face from lack of breath and grinning like the idiots they undoubtedly were. Her dad would sing an old song off-key: Young, dumb and ugly was his favorite line in it.

  Steven gasped theatrically and rubbed his back. He let out a faux cry of pain. The spot he rubbed was the same height as the combination dials on the row of lockers. “I don’t know if I’ll recover from that,” he bemoaned, but a wink betrayed his slight.

  Ruby put her hands on her hips. “Well, I guess we don’t need to do that again, then,” she snarked, daring him to continue.

  “No, no,” Steven insisted, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? That’s what they say, anyway,” he followed up with a meek smile.

  Ruby narrowed her eyes.

  “Right?” Steven pleaded.

  “Got ya,” Ruby declared and poked him in the ribs.

  “Ha!” Steven yelled. “See?” he declared, “I’m better already.” He struck a bodybuilder pose and flexed his arms comically. “I could go on like this all day, ya know.”

  Ruby giggled and covered her mouth when she laugh-snorted.

  Steven reached down and picked her up by the waist. He lifted her into the air and spun around slowly like he was presenting her to an audience. Her heart was a stampede like a wildebeest in that old animated movie. Something about a lion prince and a walkabout: she shook her head and laughed out loud. She couldn’t believe that she was thinking about wildebeest and children’s cartoons at a time like this. He lowered her, and they pressed their lips together again. She banished the movie from her mind and simply existed in that singular moment with Steven. He set her down on the floor and reached out to push her hair over one ear. She flushed at his touch and gasped for air. His chest rose and fell, his exertions causing him to breathe deep and steady.

  Once they caught their collective breath, they chatted quickly about their weekend. Ruby recounted two days of slightly dull, wholesome family fun, and Steven told her how much work he had done on his website project. Then Steven recounted his encounter with Robert, and Ruby shivered as a creepy feeling danced along her spine. Her happy rendezvous was fading, only to be replaced by dread with the “Robert situation.”

  “Something’s wrong with him,” she said. “Like, really wrong with him. I think that he’s hurting really bad, and it’s partially my fault.”

  “No,” Steven declared. “Just because he’s not dealing with us being together doesn’t make it your fault.”

  “It’s not just that, though,” Ruby countered. “I was harsh with him when he threw away your friendship. I could’ve been gentler—I don’t know…Maybe I could’ve let him down easier?”

  “We have to take responsibility for our actions,” Steven said. “He doesn’t get a free pass because his friends are happier than he is.”

  Maybe…” Ruby began.

  “Not maybe,” Steven responded. “Definitely.”

  Ruby sighed and rubbed her temples with her fingers. “You’re probably right, but he won’t allow himself or anyone to help. I’m afraid that he’s going to do something to hurt himself.” She gave him a wry, knowing smile; they could both understand the craving of self-harm amid a depressive episode. But the encounter Steven described was manic. Could Robert have an undiagnosed mental health issue? Hiding something like that wasn’t anything new. It was so common, and Ruby felt a tug at her heart. When everyone tried their best to fit in, any mental health issue was a beacon of differentness.

  Ruby thought of the homeless veteran that Steven told her about. PTSD, alcohol dependency, and homelessness were only some of the issues afflicting veterans. In reality, though, everyone had some sort of issue. It came down to support systems. Ruby thought that the world would be a better place if we all just had a little compassion. But the world was ruled by apathy, self-interest, and tribalism.

  “We need to find a way to help him, Steven,” she declared.

  Steven nodded and replied, “I just need to talk to him. I need to make him understand. If he could just get it through his head that I didn’t do anything to Lindsay...” Steven hung his head, and Ruby didn’t need him to finish to understand. She stepped forward and hugged him tightly. Steven returned the embrace and smiled down at her.

  “Get a room, you two!” David yelled and jogged down the hallway with Leonard by his side. Steven and Ruby watched as the two broad-smiling boys came to a stop next to them. Leonard shoved David, and David returned the horseplay.

  “What’s up, lovebirds?” Leonard asked, breathless.

  Steven deadpanned, “Reunited, and it feels so good.”

  David quirked an eyebrow up in confusion, Leonard rolled his eyes, and Ruby laughed out loud. She placed her hand on Steven’s chest and gave him a little push. He was about to feign another injury, but a single disapproving look from Ruby put an end to that nonsense.

  “What did you guys do over the weekend?” Ruby asked. “Get into any trouble?”

  “Us? Trouble?” David asked, feigning innocence and covering his mouth with his hand.

  “How dare you!” Leonard teased, lifting his hand to his forehead, palm-out, and gave a dramatic sigh. “I never…” he started.

  The teacher cleared her throat from across the hallway. “You four, can you move your conversation into the classroom? If we are all going to hear it, we would at least like to participate.”

  Ruby turned pink, Steven grinned sheepishly, and the two goofballs at their sides high-fived before they all slunk through the doorway like chastised puppies. Steven’s tale of Robert’s strange appearance was momentarily forgotten.

  Leonard loudly whistled March of the Valkyries as they made their way to their seats. David, Steven, and Ruby grinned like fools. They dropped their backpacks beside their seats, mock saluted Leonard and dropped to their seats in unison.

  The teacher shook her head and looked up at the wall clock with a smile. Leonard dropped into his seat with a flourish, and David snorted in response. Leonard and David leaned toward each other and whispered something about a television show they were watching. Ruby leaned back and took in the sight of her friends. It felt good. Steven reached out and held her hand. She squeezed, and he returned the action.

  Leonard laughed loudly as David jumped up and hopped around the
room, acting out a scene from a new comedy, and Steven chuckled as he squeezed Ruby’s hand once again. The teacher tried to conceal her laughter as she told David to sit down. The clown took a bow to roaring applause then fell into his seat with a look of red-faced triumph. It was nice to see the class accept Steven back into their midst. But why did that return come with Robert’s self-isolation? He didn’t need to be a pariah. He just needed to be with them.

  Everyone settled back down and began to work after a minute or two, and Leonard and David quietly discussed what other funny things they could do to make their classmates laugh. Ruby gave Steven a light kiss on the cheek and returned to her work. But as much as she wanted to stay in that happy moment, she saw Steven’s eyes drift toward the empty chair in the classroom. She could read the expression on his face, and she too found her mind drift to the boy who should have occupied it.

  Where had Robert gone? What was he doing? What was he doing skipping school? Why wouldn’t he let Steven be friends with him again? She shuddered to imagine what was going through Robert’s mind.

  Steven sighed—no doubt similar thoughts danced around his mind. What was he going to do about it? How was he going to be friends with Robert if Robert refused to even talk to him?

  Ruby lightly tickled Steven’s leg and made him jump. It broke his reverie, and she was glad to see his eyes twinkle when he smiled at her. Ruminating too long on Robert’s predicament was going to get him down again, and she never wanted him to go back to that place. She knew enough people at her old school who had succumbed to thinking that he confessed in texts over the weekend. She never again wanted him to consider the things he had considered during those dark times.

  He looked at her with a smile and said, “What’s up, cheeky?”

  Ruby giggled and grinned at him. “Nothing. I’m just in a playful mood. I can’t wait for graduation, can you?”

  “Why, so you can get out of here and go Girls Gone Wild in college?” Steven tickled her back, and she poked him in the arm.

  “Naughty! No, of course not. But actually, now that I think of it, there is something I want to ask.”

  Steven opened his mouth to ask what it was, but the teacher walked past and silenced him. Ruby mouthed the word ‘later,’ and Steven nodded. She noticed him go slightly red in the face.

  18 Revenge/Confront

  Robert

  Robert looked across the street and gulped through a frog that had jumped in and clogged his throat. He pulled the hoodie tighter around himself and glanced down one side of the street then the other. He had never been to this part of town, and he wasn’t sure what to expect. When he was friends with Steven, they had always avoided this section, preferring to stay out of trouble and not get shot. Now Robert couldn’t help but have doubts. Should he be doing this?

  That’s what he wants! He wants you to give up! Show him how strong you are!

  Robert felt a strength fueled by anger well up inside of him. “I am strong!” he said confidently. “Steven will pay.”

  He marched across the street, dodging cars as if he were made of steel. He stopped at the door to take a deep breath. No one had seen him yet, and if he wanted to, he could turn around and go home without anyone being the wiser. He considered it only a moment before he reached out, took the door handle, and pushed.

  Robert stepped out of the shop in a hurry, clumsily slipping a heavy package into a jacket pocket. He looked back at the shop then hurried down the street with his eyes on his feet, and his hood pulled down low. He felt slightly exhilarated and sick at the same time. What had he just done?

  The security camera in the store had seen him because the shop owner had refused to sell unless he showed his face. What if someone found out? What if someone had seen him? He could be arrested, put in jail!

  It must be done. Steven must pay.

  Robert nodded stonily and kept walking. He knew it had to be done, and what happened after didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was doing what was right. He felt the package pressing against his chest. It was cold, and every time it moved, a shiver down his spine like electricity. He was almost scared of the package as if it could attack him, but he needed it and loved it simultaneously.

  Because of him, Ruby would be safe. Everyone would be safe. Steven Bass would never hurt anyone again. He was going to do what he was destined to do, what ONLY he could do.

  Kill Steven. KILL HIM!

  Robert paced back and forth at the intersection to his classroom. The bell would ring dismissing students from homeroom, and between the voices and the way people looked at him, he didn’t know if he had it in him to do what needed to be done. Maybe I can talk to them, he thought, but the bitterness of seeing them together overcame him as they walked out of the classroom only moments after the bell rang.

  Ruby dragged Steven to the side of the classroom doorway once they left the classroom, and a tide of students poured out of the doorway around them. They seemed to have their own bubble that no one wanted to enter. No one, that is, but Robert. He lurched toward them, trying to make the human connection that he so desired. He felt nervous and unsure of what was happening and even more so about what he was about to do. His resolve was steeled as Leonard and David walked past the couple, winking at Steven and making kissy faces at them before high-fiving each other and continuing down the hall. Robert moved closer again but kept a stream of student bodies between them.

  Ruby pulled Steven into a hug. “My parents are cooking a big roast dinner tonight.”

  A confused look spread across Steven’s face, and his ears flushed crimson. “That sounds great!” he replied, and his hands wandered down her back.

  Ruby giggled and shimmied her hips. Steven got the message and returned his hands to the middle of Ruby’s back. She pulled back, flirting with the edge of what was still defined as a hug, and looked at Steven’s face. From the angle, he couldn’t see all of her face, but her posture gave it all away. Robert once thought that she might look at him in that way.

  She will! You know what must be done.

  Robert blinked away the voice and refocused on the couple. He missed part of the conversation, but they weren’t through. “It’s for you, silly.” Ruby purred, “I want you to come over for dinner and meet my parents.”

  Steven choked and gasped for breath. Robert knew him long enough to recognize the fear on his face that replaced confusion. “Uh,” he stuttered, “meet your parents?” He smiled tightly. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  Ruby narrowed her gaze. “Why wouldn’t it?”

  Steven’s face showed resignation. “It’s about that time, I guess?”

  Ruby nodded with a deep blush rising on her cheeks. She took a step back out of his arms, and her eyes glanced to the side as if she couldn’t meet Steven’s eyes. “I told them all about you, and they want to meet you.” She picked something off her shirt, and her eyes rose to meet his. “They’re looking forward to it.”

  “Uh, really?” Steven responded. The parade of emotions on his face was now disbelief. Robert couldn’t imagine anyone’s parents wanting to meet Lindsay’s killer, let alone wanting him dating their daughter.

  Ruby broke their embrace and playfully poked him in the chest. “Don’t worry.” She said, a huge grin driving her cheeks up. “They’ll love you.”

  Steven smiled and pulled her back into a hug. Her chin rose, her smile making her eyes sparkle. Before their lips got too close, the bell rang. They jumped back from each other, said their goodbyes, and headed down the hall away from Robert holding hands. They reached the opposite intersection and started going in different directions; their hands stretched to maintain contact until the last moment.

  Robert staggered back against the lockers. His head a whirl of emotions: Lust, betrayal, hate, fear—they were a maelstrom, and in the center of it all, the voice seemed to laugh.

  I’ve got to get out of here, Robert thought as the tardy bell sounded.

  He ran to the nearest exi
t and thundered down the steps. His heart raced, and blood pounded in his ears. He stumbled down the sidewalk, not knowing where to go. He weaved around people until he found himself at his apartment building. His parents were both at work, and the beginnings of a plan overcame his dizzying thoughts.

  YES! declared the voice, it is time.

  Robert stood at the closest corner to the school and looked around. He had replaced his conspicuous black hooded jacket with a simpler one that wouldn’t attract as much attention. He knew that he knew what anime character adorned the chest, but he couldn’t bring himself even to look down to see who it was. Things that used to bring him joy now felt like a weight on his chest. Words he spoke felt like ashes in his mouth. He clutched the left pocket of his new hoodie, and his whole body trembled slightly at the shape of the thing inside. He sighed heavily and looked toward Twin Oaks High School.

  Somewhere in that building, Steven was laughing, talking to his newfound friends, or kissing the girl that Robert loved. The murderer was enjoying himself when what he should have been doing was rotting in a prison cell or lying down in front of an executioner. Robert smiled at the mental image of Steven in shackles in front of an axman—just as it was in a popular role-playing videogame. This time, though, there wouldn’t be a dragon attack to free Steven from his fate.