Sweetest Desires (A Sweetest Day Romance)

by Beverly Taylor

A trickle of sweat cascaded down her spine as she sat up and ran a hand through her hair. She squinted at the alarm clock. In another hour or so, she’d have to pick up the children.

  Carson stepped inside the walk-in closet, and she heard the sound of hangers sliding across the metal rod. Coming out with his arms full of tailor-made suits and dress shirts, he laid them across the loveseat. His suitcase lay open on the bed.

  Katharine watched in dismay as he packed his belongings, neither looking at her nor speaking to her, and the truth struck her like a blow.

  He was leaving her.

  Chapter 11

  “What have I done?” Katharine shouted, grabbing the back of Carson’s jacket, tugging at him, demanding he face her. “Please tell me. I’ll make it right. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

  “It’s not entirely something you’ve done.” His voice was low, almost tender.

  “Then why?” Tears crowded her eyes, blinding her to the futility of her appeal. “If it’s about me finding the magazines, honey, we can work through that.”

  He listened in stony silence while he pulled socks and underwear from the drawers and tossed them into his suitcase. Finally, he responded with, “I respect you, but meddling in my personal business was over the top. Frankly, you don’t excite me anymore. You haven’t for a long time. Maybe our marriage was a big mistake.”

  “You don’t mean that! How can you say such horrible things? If you loved me you wouldn’t be acting this way.”

  “And if you loved me, you wouldn’t try to hold me against my will,” he said.

  They looked at each other.

  “I suppose,” she said, drying her eyes, “our marriage has been something of a pretense for the past two years.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “All we’ve been doing lately is arguing. Don’t we love each other anymore?” She hugged her elbows and rubbed her bare arms.

  “I don’t know,” he said.

  “Maybe I’ve sensed that you don’t love me anymore . . . at least the way you used to love me . . . and I thought I could hold on to you.” She looked at him sadly. “I still love you. I’ve tried to make it work. Between my job, keeping house and the children, I’ve tried to find time to make you feel loved.”

  “I didn’t mean it when I said our marriage was a mistake,” Carson said more gently. “You’ve given a lot to our children and to me.”

  Katharine said nothing, squeezing her hands nervously and watching him, trying to read his thoughts.

  His eyes slid slowly around to meet hers.

  “Please,” she said and continued her appeal silently. Stop the packing. Take me in your arms. Hold me. But then she remembered. He hadn’t held her in months.

  It seemed essential somehow that she touch him. She reached out with her left hand, resting it on the bare skin of his wrist.

  His gaze dropped. She couldn’t bring herself to remove her hand.

  He looked up at her with a melancholy expression, and Katharine held her breath as his eyes moved over her face.

  He turned the narrow gold band on her finger. “Not a very fancy wedding ring.”

  “At the time we couldn’t afford better.” She gave a false little laugh.

  “I remember placing it on your hand.” He snapped out of his reflection and looked quickly at her. “I’m—I just need some space to think, and you’re in my way,” he said, as if he were telling her the sky was blue and the grass was green. “Besides, you haven’t been that involved the few times we’ve made love.”

  “Funny, I haven’t heard you complaining.”

  Carson glared at her.

  Katharine couldn’t hold back the question any longer. “How long have you been seeing her?” She could hear the shrillness in her voice, but she was helpless to control it.

  “There is no her,” he said as he dashed into the bathroom and began to fill his shaving kit bag.

  “What has turned you into a coward, Carson? You didn’t know I would be here. So, your plan was to let me come home and find that you’ve deserted your family?”

  He wheeled on her. “I’m not a coward!” he said, slamming aftershave lotion into his bag. “I’m trying to look at the future like a grown man, not a bemused child! And besides,” his voice began to soften, “I wanted to spare your feelings and not have the children around to see this.”

  “When will you be back?”

  “I don’t know,” he shrugged.

  “You don’t have to leave.”

  “Do you propose we continue to live like this? Clinging to the hope that some miracle will happen?”

  “I believe in miracles. You used to. What’s happened to that?”

  His silence was cutting.

  “What about the children? What am I supposed to tell them?”

  “Tomorrow’s Saturday. I’ll be back in the morning to talk with them. In the meantime, I know you’ll think of something soothing to say. If you’d like, you can tell them I’m out of town.” He finished packing his kit bag and zipped it up, grabbed his suitcase and headed for the bedroom door.

  “Oh, so now you want me to lie to them?” Katharine challenged him.

  “I want you to do what’s best for them—to spare their feelings at whatever cost,” he said, stepping to the doorway with his luggage in one hand and suits enclosed in a garment bag draped over his shoulder with the other.

  Katharine tried to be brave and assured. “Carson, now is not a good time for you to be leaving. There’s too much going on with CJ, and—”

  He rolled his eyes upward, let out a sharp breath and started to leave.

  Panic and anger seized her and she blurted out, “Are you going to stay with that home-wrecking witch, Cindy?”

  Carson’s mouth fell open.

  Without another word, she slammed the bedroom door in his face and locked it. She held her breath for several seconds, waiting for his step on the carpeting, but she heard only a heavy thud as the front door closed behind him. As she heard his car pulling away, she released her breath in a bitter sigh.

  She should have given him an opportunity to defend himself against her accusation, but what if he’d confessed that he was in love with Cindy?

  Feeling a sudden pain near her heart, she lay back on the bed, rubbing her chest. She was going to die of a heart attack, and he wouldn’t even know till it was too late.

  * * *

  Pulling out her wedding album, Katharine opened it to a photo of herself and Carson wrapped in each other’s arms and cried uncontrollably.

  After thirty minutes or so, exhausted and distraught, she phoned Natalie before picking up her children. She valued Natalie’s opinion and trusted her implicitly.

  Chapter 12

  The city skyline rose in the distance as Natalie took the downtown exit off the expressway. Traffic was a nightmare, courtesy of the number of people relocating to Atlanta and the constant roadwork to accommodate them.

  The BMW crept from traffic light to traffic light, squeezing down narrow streets flanked by concrete guardrails and chain-link fencing as she took yet another maddening thirty-minute detour.

  All the way to Katharine’s house, Natalie seethed. The nerve of him! Who did he think he was? Jimmy Swaggart? Jim Bakker? Did he think he could sit up in church with his wife and family and act like everything was okay while his mind filled with the picture of that . . . “That . . . tramp?” There! She’d said it! Could that be the reason why he’d stopped going to church? Did the guilt consume him?

  Her brows began to relax. She rubbed her right temple in a circular motion and asked God for his forgiveness as she pulled into Katharine’s driveway and turned off the ignition.

  Why would Carson do that? Why would he just up and leave? He loved Kat and his kids. Slipping her keys into her purse and stepping out of the car, she tried to find the right words to say to Katharine.

  By the time she reached the top step, the front door swung open. Katharine’s red, swollen eyes told it all. No words—just quivers and sniffles
and painful moans as she wrapped her arms tightly around Natalie’s neck.

  “His timing sure is off. Why would he choose to do this so soon after the holidays?” Katharine said, breathing heavily on Natalie’s shoulder. “Anyway, I’m so glad you came.”

  “Me too. Have you told them yet?” Natalie asked with alternating rubs and taps on Katharine’s back.

  Pulling away, Katharine shook her head slowly, averting her eyes as though she had something to be ashamed of. “I – I still don’t know how. I don’t know what to say.”

  Natalie held onto Katharine’s hands as if the two were about to launch into a prayer. “Tell you what . . . we’ll tell them together.” To her surprise, she felt a tear slide down her cheek. Ugh . . . look at me! She doesn’t need this. She needs strong support, not sympathetic brittleness.

  Katharine, who looked ready to cry again herself, smiled affectionately. “Oh, no. Look what I’ve made you do.”

  Natalie sucked in a light breath and retracted her thought humorously. Sympathetic brittleness it is. She swiped the fallen tear under her eye with her middle fingers then pulled off her sweater-jacket and placed it in the nearest chair.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “Mind helping you tell them? Of course not. You’re my best friend, girl.” She baby-punched Katharine’s upper arm. “And those two midgets up there,” she pointed toward the staircase, “are my favorite munchkins.”

  “Wha-what’ll we say to them?” Katharine stammered.

  “We’ll tell them the truth—that their dad is acting like a butthead and wants to be a swinging single again.”

  “You wouldn’t dare,” Katharine said incredulously.

  “Oh, wouldn’t I? I’m not going to make you look like the bad guy in all this. Strip the covers off that demon so his kids can see what he’s really made of.”

  “Natalie!”

  “Natalie, nothing!” She held up her hand as if to stop Katharine’s protest.

  “He’s my husband no matter what. And he’s no demon!”

  “Maybe not, but he’s allowing demons to use him. And to think I came to his defense—umph.”

  Katharine pulled her lower lip through her teeth. It was obvious she wanted to deny Natalie’s words but couldn’t. “Okay, stop!” she said finally. “Let’s take a timeout and examine what’s just happened here. I should be acting like you—angry and hostile; and you should be acting like me—sluggish and fragile.”

  They both were quiet and then, simultaneously, burst into a roaring laughter.

  “Lord, forgive me again,” Natalie managed to say.

  “Me, too, Lord,” Katharine chimed in, with a little giggle still in her throat.

  “Why are you asking for forgiveness? I was the one that called him a demon.”

  “Just because.”

  “Because what?”

  “Because we have to constantly ask for forgiveness for those unforeseen, unaware sins.”

  “Yeah . . . for we know not what we do.” If Stephen did something like that to me, Natalie thought, I’m not sure if I could be this forgiving. Eventually I could, but it would take some doing.

  “. . . So what do you think?”

  “How’s that?” Natalie asked, snapping out of the disturbing introspection.

  “I said, ‘let’s just tell the children the truth—that their dad needed some space.’”

  “Needed some space?”

  Katharine shrugged. “Got any better ideas without compromising the truth?”

  “Just go with the flow?” Natalie suggested. “You lead and I’ll follow.”

  “I’m not so much worried about CJ as I am about Bethany.”

  “I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Natalie countered. “Being the only girl in a family of three boys, you’d be surprised about boys and how they really feel about their fathers, especially with the good relationship CJ and Carson have.”

  “Does Stephen know?” Katharine inquired.

  Natalie nodded. She rarely kept anything from her husband. He knew as much as she did about the O’Connors’ lives.

  “That reminds me. I have to tell you about CJ and—”

  Before Katharine could finish, CJ and Bethany raced down the stairs, pushing into each other to be first into the room.

  “All right, you two,” Katharine warned.

  “Hi, Aunt Nat,” they said in unison.

  “Hi, babies. Come give Auntie a hug.”

  They strolled over and tried to hug her at the same time. “Ladies first,” she reminded CJ with a wink and a smile. He stepped back and waited his turn while she hugged Bethany. “I like my hugs separately ’cause I like to get as many as I can,” Natalie said, giving CJ a squeeze.

  “Are you still going to take us to Kangaroo Kids, Aunt Nat?” Bethany reminded her.

  “I sure am,” she tickled her belly.

  “When?” CJ wanted to know.

  “Just as soon as I get those report cards with all those As and Bs on them,” she said, playfully poking CJ in the stomach.

  “Ooooo! I’m going to Kangaroo Kids! I’m going to Kangaroo Kids!” Bethany twirled around and around gleefully.

  “What about you, CJ?” Natalie asked.

  He lowered his head.

  Katharine jumped in. “Uh, I’ll talk to you about it later.”

  Natalie looked from Katharine to CJ and back, concern rising in her voice. “Why? What’s the problem? CJ’s always been a model student.”

  “I said I’ll talk to you about it later,” Katharine said sharply. “Okay?”

  Natalie’s countenance dropped. “All right, then.” Now wasn’t the time to discuss CJ, she realized. Now was the time to face the music about Carson’s departure.

  “Um, CJ and Bethany, sit right here.” Katharine patted the cushioned seat. “Mommy has something really important to say to you.” She glanced at Natalie and swallowed hard.

  * * *

  “Daddy and I—we both love you two very, very much. And there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for you. But sometimes mommies and daddies have disagreements.” Katharine paused to swallow. “So they decide to live separately for a little while until they can find an answer both of them can agree on and—”

  She turned her head away so the children couldn’t see the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Nat, help me out here,” she said in hushed tones to her friend.

  Everything was spontaneous. Natalie was there for moral support and Katharine asking her to intervene certainly caught Natalie off guard.

  “Sure. Yeah. Um, you see, kids, um, well, it’s like this.” Natalie took a deep breath and went for it. “Look . . . y’all are big enough to understand this. Your dad moved out. He needs to be alone awhile so he can figure out what to do with himself. He’s not mad at y’all—he’s mad at himself! He’s acting like a big, selfish, overgrown—”

  “Nat!”

  CJ’s and Bethany’s eyes shot over to their mother and then rested on Natalie.

  “Wh-when is he coming back?” Bethany asked in between sobs.

  “Don’t you get it?” CJ glared at his sister, almost shaking with fury. “He’s not coming back. He’s gone forever!” He started to leave the room, his brisk walk turning into a run as Katharine called him back.

  Natalie caught up with him and returned him to his mother.

  “CJ, please, darling, let me explain so you’ll understand.”

  “What’s to understand? Aunt Nat said he moved out—and that’s that!”

  “Please, sweetheart,” Katharine pleaded. “Don’t be angry with me.”

  “I’m not angry with you—I’m angry with him!” His face was bunched up in a furious scowl.

  Katharine glanced helplessly at Natalie and back to CJ but said nothing.

  “Can I go back to my room now?”

  Katharine nodded.

  CJ began to move forward, but Katharine called after him. “CJ!”

  He stopped but didn’t turn around.

>   “I’ll be up to talk to you later.”

  CJ nodded and sped up the back stairway.

  Katharine felt trapped and helpless, as if her hands and feet were bound and her mouth taped shut. She could do nothing but wait for Carson to come back.

  Bethany ambled over to Katharine and hugged her waist. Stooping to look into the sad brown eyes, Katherine used her thumb to wipe away Bethany’s tears. She hugged her little girl tightly, kissing both her cheeks before sending her up to her room for some quiet time.

  After watching her daughter slowly glide through the archway, Katharine snapped her neck toward Natalie. “What on earth made you say such a thing?”

  Natalie shrugged. “You’ve always said you were going to be open and honest with your children.”

  “But not like this. I didn’t expect Carson to leave.”

  “He’s his own man, Kat. He has to take responsibility for his actions. None of this is your fault. Just remember that.”

  “I’m not so sure,” Katharine whispered, massaging her eye sockets with her middle finger and thumb. “His absence is just going to take some getting used to.”

  “Look,” Natalie said softly. “You need to relax. I’m going to go make us a cup of that herbal tea you have in the kitchen cabinet. In the meantime, go upstairs and talk to CJ. When you open your mouth, God will give you the words to say just as he did for Moses.”

  Katharine smiled slightly. Moses, she thought. There were times when even he hesitated to deliver messages from God. Halfway up the staircase, she stopped and slouched down on the step. Lowering her forehead onto the palm of her hand, she had a silent conversation with God.

  I don’t know what to say to my children, Lord.

  I will be your mouthpiece and will tell you what to say.

  I’m too emotional right now to speak. But Natalie’s a more courageous speaker than I am. Can’t you bring forth the words from her lips instead?

  God’s anger became obvious to Katharine.

  Did I not give Natalie life? I know all about her. Go speak to your children, and I will put words in your mouth.