Reckless Longing

by Gina Robinson

  Logan's group shouted to him and motioned for him. He looked up and began crawl stroking with smooth, even strokes toward shore just as it was finally my turn.

  I took a deep breath, ran with all my might, swung my arms and jumped out, away from the rock wall. I pointed my toes, pressed one arm against my body, and held my nose with the other hand. I thought I'd fall so quickly that I wouldn't have time to think. But even as an adrenaline rush pulsed through me, I thought: Why am I doing this? What have I done?

  Falling, falling, free falling. For a moment I was simply hanging in the air. The next, I hit the cold water with the force of a slap.

  Down, down, down into the deep green water of the river, still in free fall until I thought I'd hit the bottom. I kicked and pushed upward, popping back to the surface with water streaming down my face. I brushed it out of my eyes and waved to Taylor to join me, exhilarated.

  Just as Taylor tossed herself off the cliff, and all eyes were focused on her, my sides, legs, and arms cramped up so badly I lost control of them. Unable to kick and paddle, I slid beneath the surface, falling deeper and deeper below. As my lungs burned and breath failed me, I thought: Logan, Logan, Logan. We'll never know what might have been. My dad will never know I existed. And you'll forget me, Logan Walker.

  Chapter Six

  Out of nowhere, Logan swam up beside me, his dark hair waving in the water. He grabbed me around the waist with one strong arm. Panicked, I latched onto him like he was a literal lifeline, weighing him down, taking him to the bottom with me. He held me firmly and stroked my face until I calmed enough to stop fighting and went limp in his arm. He pushed off the bottom and kicked, paddling with his one free arm until we broke the surface.

  I gasped and coughed. Water streamed over my eyes. My nose ran. My lungs burned.

  He was breathing hard, too, as he held me up. "Are you okay?"

  I nodded because I couldn't speak.

  "Hang on to me while I swim us to shore."

  Except for the caw of a crow, the splash Logan made as he swam, and the lapping of the river against the shore, it was eerily silent as people around us realized what had happened. For a moment, all diving stopped and the party buzz died.

  Logan pulled me to the rock in the shallows and sat me on it. "Can you stand?"

  I wasn't certain I could, but I nodded.

  He stood, gave me a hand, and pulled me to my feet as water slid off him and beaded on his chest and arms. His gang was on the shore, making their chain up the cliffs, waiting for Logan and me.

  Logan put his arm around me and steadied me against him as we waded to shore, rubbing my arms, trying to warm me up as my teeth chattered. I shivered uncontrollably, unable to get warm, trying to soak up Logan's body heat. He took one of his buddy's hands, pulling me behind him. One by one, they helped us up the cliff.

  When we reached the pink bikini girl at the top of the cliff and the chain, she helped me onto the slippery upper rocks with a surprisingly strong, friendly grip. "Are you okay? You're shivering, poor thing. Let's wrap her in our extra blanket."

  Logan smiled at her. "Thanks, Kels." He swept me into his arms, pressing me against his warm, hard chest that smelled of coconut oil, sun, and water. It was a reassuring smell I swore I'd never forget.

  Nic ran after us. Bre and Taylor reached the top of the cliffs, helped by Logan's friends, and chased after us. They peppered me with questions.

  Logan reassured them. "She's fine. We just have to warm her up."

  He reached their blankets, set me down, though I was loath to be out of his arms, and wrapped me in a beach blanket. "God, El, you're blue." Worry was etched on his face.

  My nose was running. I was still coughing and trembling. I'm sure I looked horrible. People in the surrounding sites were quiet, staring at me.

  The girl in the pink bikini handed me a tissue.

  Dan reached us. "We have to get her home," Bre said to him.

  "Don't bother," Logan said in a tone that left no room for argument. "I'm taking her to Student Health. Collin, you have room for one more, don't you? You can take Kels home?"

  Damn. Logan had brought Kels, the pink bikini girl, with him. Even through my fogged brain I was jealous.

  "Yeah, sure, buddy."

  "No, you really don't have to. I'm fine." No one listened to my protests.

  "Let me get Ellie's stuff for you." Nic ran off to get it while Logan slid a shirt and sandals on and grabbed his towel and keys.

  Taylor patted me on the back and spoke to Logan. "Text us when she's seen the doctor." She rattled off her number.

  Nic ran back with my bag. Logan tossed it over his shoulder and scooped me in his arms again. He carried me to his truck in the parking lot and helped me into the passenger side while bystanders milled around the truck.

  He yelled at them to get out of his way and backed out. Once on the road, I sensed he was driving as fast as he could without losing control around the curves.

  "Shit, El, you really scared me out there. What happened?"

  "I cramped up, just all of a sudden. I couldn't move my legs. I just sank. It all happened so fast." I shuddered, still cold and coughing intermittently.

  Logan must have been sweltering, but he didn't turn the air conditioning on.

  "No one else saw me." I swallowed and coughed again. My lungs still burned. I must have aspirated some water, though I didn't remember breathing in underwater. "You saved my life. If you hadn't seen me—"

  "Someone else would have." His gaze was fixed on the road, but his jaw was set and his grip on the wheel was firm, like he was trying not to think of what-ifs.

  "Thank you," I said. It was feeble and lame, but there was no way to express how grateful I was.

  He nodded.

  We drove the rest of the way to the emergency room at Student Health in silence. When Logan explained that I had nearly drowned, I was shown right in to the examining room. Logan had to wait in the waiting room.

  A nurse took my temperature. The doctor came in and listened to my heart and lungs. He examined my head and neck, explaining he was looking for injuries. He was gentle and kind. He asked how it happened. I told him how Logan had saved me.

  "You're lucky he saw you," the doctor said. "And acted quickly. He really did save your life. I think you're going to be fine. But I have to keep you here under observation for at least six hours. Pulmonary edema can develop as late as four hours after the incident. I don't anticipate a problem, but I don't want to take a chance."

  I nodded. "Can I see Logan and tell him? He's waiting for me in the lobby."

  The doctor didn't see why not. A few minutes later, Logan walked in. He sat by my bed, took my hand, and squeezed it.

  I smiled at him. "I'm making a habit of needing you to hold my hand. I have to stay here for another few hours."

  Logan nodded. "The nurse told me. I texted the others."

  "Good."

  "Do you want me to get you your phone so you can call your mom?"

  "No!" I must have looked wild-eyed, because he covered my hand in both of his. "No, no, no!"

  "It's okay. It was just a suggestion, an offer."

  I took a deep breath. The last thing I needed was for my mom to come flying to campus and run into Jason. Then I'd really never get to know my father.

  "You really don't get along with your mom."

  "I really don't."

  "Someday you'll tell me why?"

  "Maybe. It's not a pretty story."

  He nodded like he understood. I didn't want him to know the truth, afraid it would color how he thought about me.

  I squeezed Logan's hand back and swallowed hard. "Hey, thank you. I owe you one."

  "No," he said. "I believe you now owe me two."

  I don't know how he made me smile so easily. "Keeping score now?"

  "Never know when I'll need to call in a debt. Or two." His gorgeous eyes twinkled.

  "Okay, I owe you two. I'm beginning to think you're my guardian angel."


  "I'm no angel, El, really."

  "I'm going to be here at least six hours. You don't have to stay. I'm sure you have stuff to do. I already ruined your day. I'm a real party killer."

  "Ruined my day? What do you mean? I've always wanted to save a life. It's on my bucket list. You just made my dream come true."

  "Glad I could be of service." I yawned, worn out and very tired.

  "Rest." He reached for the TV controller. "I'll be here when you wake up. Mind if I watch TV?"

  I smiled sleepily at him. "Be my guest."

  He spent the entire six hours with me. The nurses were kind enough to feed us each a light lunch when I woke up. Logan told me that Bre, Nic, and Taylor had stopped by while I was resting. Logan and I watched TV, cracking jokes, making comments about characters and plots and the crazy people on reality shows until they let me leave. He drove me back to the dorm after they discharged me, and insisted on carrying my bag to the front door.

  He was quiet in a comfortable, companionable way.

  I lightly touched his arm. "Thank you, Logan."

  He leaned close. Our gazes locked. He tilted his head. I angled my lips toward his and tightened my grip on his hard, wonderful bicep. My breath caught. Our lips were mere inches apart. His eyes were dilated and wide in the sunlight. I could have sworn I saw desire reflected in them. I closed my eyes.

  He leaned past my lips and whispered in my ear, "You're welcome, Ellie Martin."

  My eyes flew open, unbelieving.

  He handed me my bag. "See you at work tomorrow."

  I stumbled to my room, wondering what had just happened. Or, rather, not happened. I should have been grateful Logan had saved me from myself, but I was embarrassed and baffled and incredibly disappointed. Bre, Taylor, and Nic waited for me. They each hugged me.

  "Sit! Sit," Taylor said.

  A bouquet of flowers from the grocery store sat in a vase on my desk. Seeing it brought tears to my eyes.

  "Hey, it's all right." Bre sat beside me and put her arm around me.

  "Ellie, you were holding out on us about Logan. He is hot. Even so, nearly drowning to get his attention is over the top." Nic shook her head in mock disapproval.

  "You think?" I said, and we all laughed. But in the back of my mind, I wondered what made Logan tick. He was so kind and attentive and funny, and then he stops short of kissing me? He was giving me an insecurity complex.

  Friday morning I had my first quiz in chemistry. Wow, even though I'd studied for it by going over that old quiz from last semester with Dex and the gang, this quiz was brutal and nothing like the one we'd studied. I walked out of class certain I'd failed it. Dex swore revenge on Dr. Rogers.

  "Are you sure you weren't duped and got a fake quiz from last year?" I hated to ask him, but it seemed like a reasonable question. Even having nearly died the day before, I should have done better on the quiz than subzero.

  "It's authentic," he said. "Trust me. This is just Dr. Rogers being pissy. And now it's all out war."

  "I thought it was already war?"

  "Yeah, but now it's nuclear, apocalyptic war. That bitch will not defeat me."

  The rest of the day passed quickly, considering I couldn't wait until work. I know, weird, right? You're supposed to dread work, but I was looking forward to it as the best part of my day. I was drawn to spending time with my dad and Logan. Call me an eternal optimist, but I believed I'd been saved from certain death by Logan for a reason. And it was all tied up getting to know my dad before I died and finding out the mystery of Logan.

  My heart fluttered and my pulse raced every time I thought of him. He made me smile and feel like no guy ever had before. Even Austin had only stirred mild tremors of the feelings I was developing for Logan. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally terrified by the intensity of everything Logan. I was heading down a path I knew better than to travel, but I couldn't stop myself from tumbling forward anyway.

  I arrived at the office expecting to find chaos. Instead, I found amazing, jovial calm. Jason was standing by Karen's desk, laughing and joking with her. My heart caught at the sight of him, wondering for the zillionth time just how much I was like him and how much I'd missed not growing up with him. Would I be a different person today if he'd parented me instead of Mom?

  It's an odd sensation to meet your dad when you're already grown and off at college, at a time when you should be pulling away from your parents and finding yourself, not bonding with your dad.

  There was no shared history. And in my case, no known history. My mom had never once talked about my biological dad. She had never told me how I was conceived, only that he never knew I existed. I know how babies are conceived, obviously. What I mean is—was I conceived in the backseat of a car, on the beach, as the result of a brief summer fling? What was the story of me and how I came to be? She hadn't kept a single picture of him that I could find. Not a pressed corsage or movie ticket stub from a date night with him. I seemed to be the single memento from their time together.

  There was just one mention of him in an old diary of hers I found locked in a box in her closet along with a DNA report. I had to piece together the story—Mom thought another guy was my dad. She wanted him to pay child support. He refused and the court ordered a DNA report, which proved he wasn't the culprit. I found one terse note in my mom's things. It must be Jason Front, then. He's the only other guy I've ever slept with.

  I had no idea why she didn't go after Jason, and I couldn't ask either of them without tipping my hand. I also just had to hope Mom was telling the truth—that Jason was the only other one.

  I didn't know, I really didn't, whether Jason was a good guy or the villain who somehow warped my mom for good. Was she protecting him? Me? Sometimes my mind goes to dark places. I hoped I wasn't the result of a date rape. Why didn't Mom want to remember?

  That was another reason I was treading carefully and hoping to get some kind of handle on who my dad really was before revealing myself. If I revealed myself. But for now, when I saw him, I had no "dad voice" to shudder at. No sense of rebellion. And no happy memories of him teaching me how to ride a bike or coming to a dance recital or helping me with my calculus. Looking at him now was like looking in a funhouse mirror where the distorted reflection changed at will—what was I going to see reflected there, beauty or evil?

  Jason saw me and smiled. "Ellie! Glad you're here. Now that things have calmed down, I'd let to meet with you in my office."

  "Things have calmed down?" I asked, though it was pretty obvious.

  Karen let out a sigh of relief. "We're finally getting back to normal after the usual start-of-the-semester madness."

  Jason did a drum roll on Karen's desk and extended his arm toward his office. "Shall we?"

  I followed him in. He closed the door after me and offered me a chair across from his desk while my heart raced. The electronic picture frame on his desk was still off.

  "Don't be worried. I'm not going to chew your head off or anything. You've been doing a great job, especially without any training. I just want to get to know you a little better and outline what your job responsibilities are, maybe get your thoughts on how the job's going."

  I shrugged. "It's going fine, I guess. I don't have much experience to talk about. I like dispatching, but I'm hoping to get more experience that applies to my MIS degree."

  He liked that topic. It got him started explaining things. His passion for IT was obvious and lit up his face. He was a born teacher, explaining technical issues in a way that made sense.

  When I told him he should be a professor, he laughed. "I prefer to do, not teach." He outlined how he saw my job and what projects he hoped to get me involved in. He noticed I kept looking at that dead picture frame. "Something wrong?"

  "You seem like a really technically savvy guy who loves gadgets. So why do you have a picture frame that you never turn on?" Of course, I had ulterior motives. I wanted to see a picture of my baby sister and my dad's wife. I wanted to see a bi
t of his history so I could piece together his life story. I wondered if he'd have pictures of his parents, my grandparents, on that thing.

  He laughed. "It's broken. I knocked it off the desk just before the semester started. I've been meaning to fix it when I get time."

  And that was that. I hoped he hadn't knocked it off in a fit of anger, and that he fixed it soon. Curiosity was killing this student.

  He finished giving me instructions. I rose to leave.

  "I'm taking the office out for pizza and beer at five. My treat. You're invited."

  "I'm in." I wasn't going to miss a perfect opportunity to have dinner with him—and hopefully Logan, too.

  Back at my desk, I got right to work. Even though it was calmer, we still had plenty to do. To my relief, Logan strolled in from the field just before five.

  "Hey, beautiful," he said.

  "Why thank you, Logan." Karen did a fake hair-primp, that motion where you bounce your hair like an old-time movie star. "But you know I'm married." She winked at him like he knew he hadn't been talking to her.

  "Hey, El. You look like you've recovered."

  "Recovered from what?" Karen perked up, her curiosity obviously piqued.

  Jason came out of his office. "Time to button things up for the weekend. Shut everything down, people. Let's go get pizza. Karen, are you coming?"

  "Not this time, boss. My son's the backup quarterback for the high school team. Fingers crossed he's playing tonight." She began shutting down her desktop computer. "I'm surprised you're not needed at home."

  Her comment made me wonder if Jason was henpecked. Was his wife a bitch?

  He laughed. "The wife and baby are out of town visiting the in-laws. I'm playing bachelor tonight."

  "I'm in," Logan said. "I was hoping it was pizza night. I'm always up for a free meal." He turned to me. "Do you need a ride, El?"

  I did, so I took him up on it. A couple of other RTAs showed up. We divvied up into two cars and met at a popular pizza joint in the heart of town down the hill from the university.

  Jason bought pitchers of pop and beer for the ten or so of us around the table. I was out with the boss and not legal, so I behaved myself and poured myself a glass of pop. Logan sat next to me and poured himself a beer.