Reckless Longing

by Gina Robinson

  Jason noticed my chaste choice. "Not a drinker? Designated driver?"

  "Not driving and not old enough," I said.

  "An honest employee. I chose well." Jason grabbed his glass of beer and raised it for a toast. "To a stellar first week. Thank you, everyone!"

  We clinked glasses all around and then a general mayhem of conversation broke out. I watched Jason closely. The more I watched him, the more I liked him. The way he treated his employees—like he really cared about them and they were friends—impressed me. I was the only girl present, which made things a bit awkward.

  The guys razzed each other and rattled on about a lot of technical stuff, telling stories of their adventures in the field and about this professor and that, who they liked, which were complete arrogant bastards. Logan was as boisterous and opinionated as the rest of the guys. Mostly, I listened. Until Dr. Rhonda Rogers came up.

  "That bitch reamed me, claiming her Ethernet connection in her precious lab was too slow," an RTA named Gary said. "Well, damn it, buy some faster cables with all that research money you're raking in, bitch. We can only do so much. With the kind of data she's running, she needs better than university-issue gear. And she can afford it."

  The other guys nodded in sympathy and added their own run-ins with her. Everyone but Logan, who'd gone surprisingly silent. It was clear no one liked Dr. Rogers. But Logan was particularly uncomfortable.

  "I have her for Chem 202 this semester," I said, trying to join in and bond with the guys. "This morning she gave us our first quiz. Brutal! It's like she pulled the questions out of thin air. I'm not even sure they were about chemistry. Maybe on a doctoral level. But it was nothing we'd ever seen. And me and my friends had studied thoroughly for it."

  "Get out of there," five or six of the guys said in unison.

  I laughed. "Wow! Warnings in surround sound."

  "Never had her myself. But a couple of my engineering and pharmacy buddies have. That's standard MO for that bitch," Gary said. "She only teaches the one class and yet she does crap for it."

  I took a sip of pop. "I wish I could get out, because believe me, I would." Then I explained why I couldn't. And how some of the students, who would remain nameless—but I meant Dex—had a plan to document her ineptness and take it to the department chair.

  Gary looked at me with sympathy. "Good luck with that! Students have been trying to get her canned for the last five years, that I know of, since my older brother was here.

  "You're up against insurmountable odds. She's the chem department's top fundraiser, which means she's their darling. There's no way they'll kill the golden calf.

  "Because she raises so much money from alums and businesses, it follows that the head of the chem department believes it's the students who are off base with their complaints. No matter how much evidence they present to the contrary. The powers that be use faulty logic to defend their position—if the alums and donors like her, she has to be great."

  I frowned, keeping it quiet that at least some of the alums weren't as happy as they had been, at least if Dex was to be believed. "Really? But why give her an important class that's required for so many of us? Why not pasture her in some stupid elective? Or let her out of teaching altogether? If she's such a genius and a great fundraiser, play to her strengths and keep her away from us."

  "Because she wants that class for her own nefarious reasons, obviously," Gary said. "And what she wants, she gets. I have a theory she's subtly releasing noxious chemicals into her audience and studying the effects."

  I thought Jason would refuse to weigh in, or at least change the topic. But he spoke up. "This is just between us, but she's not well liked by the staff or the other professors. You're smart to document everything she does. And then your best bet is to carefully follow procedure before you go up the chain with your complaints."

  He outlined a plan to first ask Dr. Rogers for help. "If she doesn't respond, or gives an inadequate or offensive answer, then you proceed to take your complaints to the chair of the department, and so on up the chain until you get satisfaction."

  I protested. "That could all take months! Maybe years. I could be graduated by the time we go through the process."

  "It's that or nothing," Jason said. "The university won't respond to your complaints unless you follow protocol." He turned to Logan. "You got a pretty good grade out of Chem 202, didn't you, Logan? If you run into trouble, you should ask Logan for help, Ellie."

  Beside me, Logan tensed. "I did all right."

  I couldn't stand his discomfort. "I'm only going to Logan as a last resort," I said. "I'm over my head in debt to him already. He saved my life yesterday, and that's not just hyperbole. He really did." My voice broke. I was still emotional about it, and there was now a bond between us whether we wanted it or not.

  "It was nothing." He bumped me playfully with his shoulder.

  "Saving my life was nothing! It was to me!" I bumped him back and launched into the story, talking with my hands as much as with my mouth as I told them how brave he was. "So, you see—he's my hero." I squeezed his arm and leaned my head on his shoulder like the heroine in a melodrama as I batted my eyes at him.

  It got him to laugh. Questions flew. The guys ribbed him good-naturedly. I grabbed a pitcher and poured another round of beer for the guys around me and lifted my glass of pop. "To Logan for saving my life. Otherwise, you'd all have to find someone else to dispatch you so sweetly to jobs."

  "Sweetly? Is that what you call it?" Logan said.

  They drank and laughed until Jason cut in. "That's really something, Logan. You deserve a commendation. I'll recommend you for—"

  "No!" The force of Logan's response shut everyone up. He shook his head. "No, please. I don't want a big deal made of it. Anyone would have done the same. Let's keep this between us. Ellie's alive and that's enough reward for me." His voice cracked.

  I was so touched, I almost cried.

  "Live well, El," Logan said to me.

  The pizzas arrived. Jason's cell phone buzzed. "Dig in, crew!" He pulled the phone from his pocket and read a text. "Oh, look! A message from my lovely Lyssa."

  The guys groaned. This was obviously some kind of inside joke.

  My heart stopped. Melissa? My mom's face swam before me. "Melissa?" I repeated, numbly.

  "Lyssa," he corrected. "Sorry, I forgot you're new. My wife. Brace yourself for a proud papa moment. Lyssa just sent a picture of my little girl Mia getting her first feel of grass on her bare feet." He was grinning ear to ear with that gooey new-daddy expression as he flipped the phone around so we could all get a look.

  I felt a pang that he'd never looked that way about me.

  I was too far away to get a really good look at baby Mia, but my body reacted anyway. My mouth went dry. My hands trembled so badly I clasped them in my lap.

  "The guys think I go overboard bragging about the baby," Jason said to me. He didn't sound at all embarrassed. "I waited a long time to become a dad and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it."

  No, you didn't, I wanted to say. You were a dad nineteen years ago, when you were younger than we are now. You just didn't know it.

  Jason beamed. "Someday the rest of you will understand."

  "Yeah, and we're going to text you pictures of our kids sixteen times a day to show you how much," Logan said.

  "Oh, she's cute!" I said while the boys rolled their eyes. "Can I have a closer look?"

  As Jason handed the phone to me, I willed the hand I stretched out for it not to tremble.

  "Be sure to scroll through. Lyssa sent several."

  No one seemed to notice as they filled their plates with pizza, but I felt pale as I stared at the first picture of my baby sister and her mother.

  Lyssa bore a striking similarity to my mom, only she looked fresher and not as conniving. Seeing the resemblance, I feared Jason had a type. I hoped it was only a physical type. But the romantic side of me wondered—maybe he'd never gotten over Mom? Could she have been the lo
ve of his life? Was he replacing her with a lookalike with a similar name?

  Mom could be such a witch sometimes, that I felt a wave of anxiety for Jason's marriage. I hoped Lyssa was a whole lot more loyal than Mom had ever been to any of her husbands or lovers.

  It was hard to tell exactly who Mia looked like in the first picture. Her mom was bending over her, letting her baby fingers hold her hands as Mia looked up at her and Lyssa stared at the camera. Little Mia's face was scrunched up, as if she wasn't sure whether she liked the grass tickling her toes.

  I liked the feel of grass on my bare feet, but I wondered how I had felt the first time. The sense of wonder on the baby's face made me long for her innocence.

  I scrolled to the next picture, a full-on shot of baby Mia staring into the camera, eyes wide and a huge smile lighting her tiny face. If I'd been pale before, now I went totally stone cold. Overcome with emotion, I blinked back tears—Mia was the spitting image of me as a baby.

  I stared, heart racing. If there had been any doubt in my mind about Jason being my dad, there was none now. This baby was my sister, and maybe my clone. For a minute I felt exposed and vulnerable, expecting everyone to make the connection. But no one did. No one knew the baby me but me.

  I realized Jason was staring at me and forced myself to pull it together. "She's beautiful!" I sounded over-exuberant, like I was trying too hard. "Super cute."

  "That she is!" He nodded as I handed his phone back. He stared at me and frowned, tilting his head as if something had just occurred to him and he was puzzled. "I still swear you look so familiar. I must have seen you before. Damn if I still can't place you."

  I panicked again, thinking I'd just been outed; that my father had recognized me as his offspring. Terror. Excitement. I felt like I was about to throw up. Until I realized he was simply mentally cataloguing former students, looking for a one who fit the bill.

  My mouth was so dry, it was hard to speak. I had to force myself to smile. "No. Like I told you before, I'm sure of it." Which was the absolute truth.

  He was still frowning. He shook his head. "You remind me of someone." As my heart literally froze in my chest, he squinted, deep in thought. "I just can't think who." He took a deep breath and frowned. "It doesn't matter. It'll come to me. Probably when I least expect it."

  After pizza, Logan drove me home. He dropped the other guys off before running me to the dorm. He was quiet, and not comfortably so. I couldn't figure out what I'd done.

  "Is something wrong?" I asked him as he pulled to a stop.

  "Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but you seemed really into Jason." He sounded almost jealous. "And don't give me any of that crap about wanting to please the boss. You stared at Mia's picture a long time."

  Damn. Logan would notice. I'd have to be even more careful. Logan read me like no other person ever had, even my mom.

  "It's not what you think," I said, thinking on my feet. "My second stepdad just had a baby girl with his new wife. The baby's about the same age. I don't even know her. I wonder, sometimes, what it would be like to have a sister. Or a brother. And a dad who dotes over you like that. That's all."

  Logan seemed to buy my explanation. He even looked relieved. "A friendly reminder—Collin's party is tomorrow. He twisted my arm to reissue his invitation and express his strongest desire for you to attend. Collin likes to know the people whose lives he helped save. And brag about his heroism before crowds." Logan grinned. "He's dying to show you off. Bring your friends, the more the merrier. Will you come?"

  "What about you?" I bit my lip. "I thought you wanted to keep your heroics on the down-low."

  "Only from the press and the university. Among my friends, I want their undying admiration."

  "I see," I said, but I really didn't. "Are you going to let him take all the credit?"

  "Don't worry. Zave won't let him. Besides, half the guests Collin's expecting were at the cliffs and saw the events with their own eyes. They'll keep him honest. They all want to get to know you better."

  "I don't want to be a trophy, or an oddity."

  "I'll be there. I won't let that happen, I promise. They're really just excited. They want to know you're okay and celebrate doing something good." He paused. "Please, El."

  "Are you calling in a debt?"

  He laughed. "Not yet, El. I'm saving those for when I really need them. I'm just asking you as a friend to hang out at a friend's party. Meet some new people. They're an awesome group. You'll like them."

  Maybe it was only me being optimistic again, but I got the strong feeling he was asking for himself. He wanted me to meet his friends. My heart danced with delight. What girl wouldn't be thrilled by that? "Only if you guarantee you'll be there when I show up. And you won't take offense if I bail out early."

  "It's a deal. I'll text you the address."

  Chapter Seven

  Bre had a date with Dan, but Taylor and Nic were game to go to Collin's party with me and bask in the sparkle of my celebrity. And, as a hopeful byproduct, meet some of Logan's hot friends.

  The party was in an off-campus apartment, a brand new building at the very edge of town where the rolling wheat fields met civilization. Nic drove because she was the only one with a car.

  "Wow!" Taylor said as we pulled into the parking lot. "This is absolutely gorgeous. Tell me again why we're living at that dump we call a dorm?"

  I looked at the complex and sighed. "Because this place costs big bucks and some of us aren't exactly flush with cash."

  "Yeah, that's the reason. Thanks for keeping me grounded. I think I'm going to have to hit on Collin," Nic said as we walked past the clubhouse and the swimming pool in the courtyard. "Or at least become very good friends."

  The complex was alive with parties that spilled one into another around the pool and into the halls. Music pulsed in the air and the smell of beer and hot, eager bodies overwhelmed the scent of dust and grain from the fields.

  It was a clear night after a hot day, but the temperature was mercifully falling. We found Collin's apartment on the second floor. It faced the courtyard and the pool and had a balcony with a view of both.

  I took a deep breath and in we went. Inside, the apartment was a packed mass of bodies. I panicked when I didn't see Logan anywhere.

  "There she is! There's our girl!" An average-height guy, stocky and not bad-looking—but he paled in comparison to Logan—came forward and put his arm around my shoulder. "Come on in and meet everybody."

  He was one of the guys from the SUB. I took it he was Collin. I realized I'd been in shock at the cliffs. I remembered Logan clearly and every minute detail as he rescued me. But not much else. I must have focused almost exclusively on him.

  I had only a vague recollection, almost a knowledge rather than a memory, of others helping me up the cliff. The only other person I remembered distinctly was the girl in the pink bikini, Kels. "You must be Collin."

  "That's me."

  "These are my friends." I introduced Nic and Taylor.

  "What do you ladies want to drink?" He led us to the kitchen, where they'd tapped a keg. "We have beer and an assortment of pop, mixers, and the hard stuff."

  The apartment was crowded and messy with the results of party madness, but it was also fabulous. They had a leather couch and chair, a huge TV, and impressive speakers. I envied anyone who lived there.

  As Collin walked us to the kitchen past one of the bedrooms, I caught a glimpse inside. I saw Logan's backpack. One of his shirts I recognized. A picture of him with a family that must have been his. I realized with a start that Logan lived here, too. He and Collin were roommates. Why hadn't he mentioned it?

  "You remember, Ellie, the girl we saved," Collin said to anyone who'd listen. "Yes, she looks different with her hair down." He whispered in my ear as loudly as he could over the music. "They're impressed."

  I nodded and smiled and looked around wildly for Logan. Collin introduced us to Zave, the third roommate. Word of who I was spread. I felt everyone'
s eyes on me. As Collin poured us each a beer, Logan appeared from the balcony.

  I smiled at him, weak with relief, as he came toward us. "I was beginning to think you'd lied to me." I had to yell over the music.

  "Sorry!" He nodded toward the balcony. "I didn't see you come in." He spotted Nic and Taylor and welcomed them. I could tell they were drooling over him. Logan took my arm and offered to introduce us around.

  "I think Collin's introduced us to almost everyone who would listen already," I yelled back.

  "What?" Collin said. He was already acting tipsy. "You can't take my girl away. I'm not done showing her off."

  Logan slapped Collin on the back. "You're done for now, buddy." He took us around the party. Nic and Taylor found two guys to their liking and started dancing with them.

  I stood to the side with Logan like a wallflower, feeling out of place. I wasn't good at parties and small talk. Logan didn't seem inclined to ask me to dance.

  "You're bored," he said. "We can't talk here. Hang on. I'll be right back." He went to his room and returned with a pair of binoculars around his neck, his iPad, and a folding chair. "Are you game for going outside?"

  I was game for anything that meant going someplace with Logan. I nodded and caught Taylor's eye to let her and Nic know I was going to the pool with Logan. He led me through the crowded hall and outside, but not to the courtyard and the pool. Instead, he took me to the backside of the complex that faced the wheat fields.

  "We're just past the height of the Perseid meteor showers, but maybe we'll get lucky. There's less light pollution out here." He set down his beer and his iPad and set up the folding beach chair. It was the kind that reclined and sat low to the ground.

  "You entice me to a party and then you con me into stargazing with you instead?"

  "Yeah, I'm diabolical. Collin and Zave think I'm crazy, but I like watching the stars. It keeps me grounded and puts things in perspective. Looking out at the universe, my problems seem insignificant in the grand scheme. We can go back to the party if you'd rather."