Reckless Longing

by Gina Robinson

  "Logan and no one else. Now." She hung up.

  I felt myself pale. Logan was never assigned to manage the AV equipment for Dr. Rogers and Chem 202. Never. Why was she demanding him now?

  My mouth went dry. Campus security took Dr. Rogers' statement and fanned out to interview people in the audience.

  And then Logan arrived carrying his tech repair kit. I couldn't understand why Jason had agreed to send him. Logan walked right past the bitch without looking at her or acknowledging her in any way. But she focused right in on him, her eyes lighting up the minute she spotted him.

  She watched him like a predator, with a gleam of lust and ownership in her eyes. With a contradictory lovesick puppy look blended in.

  My stomach turned. I felt nauseous as I realized why Logan avoided Dr. Rogers and Chem 202—she was obsessed with him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  "Ellie! Ellie! You look pale. Are you okay?"

  It took me a second to realize Dex was talking to me. "I'm fine."

  "Sure?"

  I nodded, staring at the bitch Rogers like a gawker at a gruesome crash, unable to look away.

  Dex was obviously worried I was about to freak out and break or something. That must have been his main concern.

  He followed my line of sight, silent as he took in and processed what he was looking at. "Shit, shit, shit! That's Logan."

  "Yes."

  Dex put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "That explains the A," he mumbled almost to himself.

  We both knew what he meant.

  "It's all right, Ellie. It's okay. I'm on it. She's not going to hurt you." His tone was fierce. He was vehement.

  That was when I knew he saw what I did.

  The bitch leaned over Logan, putting her hand on his shoulder as he bent to inspect the projector. Logan froze, then shook her hand off like he was disgusted.

  She was still mic'ed. I swore I could hear her breathing quicken with sexual excitement when she touched him. "How bad is the damage?"

  "There is none." Logan pulled the remains of a flashcube and a firecracker from the projector and held them up. "It's just a prank, a Halloweek prank." He did something with a wire and the projector turned on, humming and working like normal.

  The bell rang. With verification that it was just a prank, campus security couldn't hold us. I grabbed my backpack and ran out of the auditorium, taking the steps two at a time with Dex rushing to keep up. I couldn't breathe. I needed fresh air before I suffocated. My thoughts swirled so fast, I couldn't grab a rational thought.

  Outside, the sun was shining, burning off the last of the fog from the night before. I inhaled deeply. When I exhaled, I could see my breath. I practically ran up the hill away from the chem building, away from everything.

  Dex hung with me. At the top of the hill, he grabbed my arm. "Slow down. Breathe slowly before you hyperventilate."

  "You saw what I saw."

  He led me out of the stream of students making their way to class, pulling me to the dewy grass off the beaten track. "I saw a predatory cougar."

  I stared at him.

  "I'm not going to have to get a paper bag, am I?"

  I stared at him and tried to breathe more slowly.

  "Good girl." His voice was surprisingly tender.

  "He slept with her. Logan slept with her to get that A." I was still in danger of breathing too fast and my heart pounded like it wanted to escape from my chest.

  "That's not the only explanation."

  "Isn't it?" I shook my head, feeling jittery, like I needed to pace or something. "Then what is?"

  Dex took me by both arms. "It's one-sided, Ellie. Listen to me."

  I shook my head and laughed in way that was almost manic. This was twisted, like Austin all over again. Why couldn't older women stay away from the men I loved? "You can't know that—"

  "I do know that." He shook me gently. "Listen to me, Ellie. Trust me. Right now I have more faith in Logan than you do."

  "The why won't he talk about it? Why is it a forbidden subject between us?" I kept shaking my head. "No. Creepy douchebag guys that make my skin crawl have had crushes on me before. They've tried to give me gifts I wouldn't accept. But I can still talk about them." I gulped in air. "He slept with her for that A. He prostituted himself for it. That's why he can't talk about it."

  "Ellie!" Dex shook me harder. "Stop it! Stop it now!"

  His words felt like a slap. Tears filled my eyes.

  Dex's voice became soft. He relaxed his grip on my arms and pulled me into a hug, pressing me tightly against him as I cried for real. "You're imagining the worst. It's not what it seems. I know I'm being cryptic, but I'm taking care of things, handling them."

  I sobbed into his coat while he held me.

  "This is bigger than I am. I had to call in help. But it will all be resolved soon, within a few weeks." He hugged me tighter. "In the meantime, promise me you won't confront Logan about this. You won't mention what we saw. You won't accuse him. Stay away from him if you have to. Do whatever it takes. If you confront him and accuse him of sleeping with Rogers for an A, you'll lose him forever." He held me away from him so he could look me in the eye. "Do you hear me? Do you understand?"

  I nodded.

  "You promise?"

  I nodded.

  "Say it. Swear to it."

  "I promise."

  He let out a breath. "Good."

  "Dex?"

  "Yeah?"

  "You really are a great hugger." I tried to smile through my tears.

  "Come here." He pulled me to him again.

  I dreaded going to work that afternoon—like, really dreaded it with a passion. What could I say to Logan? I had promised Dex I wouldn't make any accusations or confront him in any way. Which ruled out a great conversation starter like So, you slept with the bitch prof for an A. That's why you can't help me. You don't know any more than I do. It's pretty clear she still really has the hots for you. When were you planning to tell me?

  The thought made me so sick, I could barely think it. But no matter how hard I tried to push it out of my mind, it hung around the periphery, haunting me.

  Our prank took on a life all its own. Someone caught it on their phone and posted the video online. In just a few hours, it got thousands of views. This prank was truly going to be legendary. It was the talk of campus, the buzz on everyone's lips. People were congratulating the anonymous pranksters, offering to buy them beers, begging them to out themselves.

  Fat chance.

  By the time my shift started, the university was promising to catch and punish them and warning would-be copycats to think twice before pulling a similar stunt.

  There was no way to avoid talking about it. Not to mention it would look weird and almost point the guilty finger at me if I totally ignored it. If I saw Logan, wouldn't I naturally be dying for up-close details?

  Dex warned all of us to keep up the show. To speculate along with everyone else about who the guilty parties were. To be as excited and thrilled and curious as the rest of the class and campus.

  So I slunk into the office, hoping Logan wouldn't show, that he would be out on assignment all day or call in sick. To my immediate relief, he wasn't in.

  Karen spotted me. "Good! You're here. Jason's out at a meeting. I'm manning this place alone and need to run up to the third floor for a minute. Keep an eye on it for me while I'm gone?"

  I nodded and hung up my coat.

  "Great! I won't be long." She dashed out.

  No sooner had I sat down at my desk than the door swung open. I looked up just as Logan walked in. My heart stopped. My palms went cold. My stomach burned with rage and hurt. I turned the actress on.

  "It's the man of the hour!" I forced myself to smile at him and act natural, even though I knew I was prodding the beast. "The guy with the upfront view to the epic prank of the century. I want all the details."

  I clapped my hands like an excited child. "You should have seen the look on her
face when it happened! It was almost worth half a semester of torture. By the time you got there, she was merely apoplectic. But the initial scare? That was awesome!"

  Logan stared right through me. "Is Jason in?"

  I shook my head. "Out at a meeting." I stood and came around to lean on the front of my desk and look Logan in the eye. "Come on! You can't hold out on me. How did they do it? What did Dr. Rogers say to you? Give me the scoop."

  Logan's eyes snapped with anger. "I can't talk about it." His tone warned me off.

  I ignored it and spoke in my confidential tone. "You can tell me. I won't tell anyone."

  He glared at me. "Shut the fuck up, El! I don't want to talk about it."

  He couldn't have hurt me more if he'd struck me. "Hey! No one talks like that to me. I just asked a simple question."

  He spun on his heel and reached for the doorknob.

  "You can't walk out on me." I was almost screaming at him.

  "Watch me." He stormed out, leaving me staring after him.

  He's guilty, I thought. No matter what Dex says.

  My heart broke. I took deep breaths to keep from losing it.

  Just then Karen came back, wearing a puzzled look. "What's wrong with Logan? I saw him in the hall."

  I shrugged. "No idea."

  We didn't text. We didn't call. We were now officially not even friendly colleagues. Somehow I made it through the week without running into Logan, though it was pretty clear that was intentional on both our parts. Bre, Nic, and Tay heard the story and walked softly around me, trying to get me to go shopping and get a costume for Halloweekend. They insisted I come out with them, that it would help heal my broken heart.

  I refused. I didn't have the heart for it. Okay, I knew Logan hadn't cheated on me like Austin had. But he wasn't the man I thought he was. I was, rightfully so, jumpy about guys who went for cougars. And sleeping with the bitch Rogers was so awful it colored how I thought about him.

  I couldn't bear to open my drawer with Logan's shirt in it. I spent Wednesday night washing the clothes in my laundry hamper so I'd have clean things to wear without dipping in that drawer.

  I skipped chemistry on Friday and used the time to work on my MIS 301 paper. If I was going to fail chemistry, I had to get A's in all of the rest of my classes. Dex took my i>clicker and clicked in for me. The university equated that with cheating. But what did I care? After the prank we'd pulled, which trended on Twitter and was the talk of campus all week, what was one more possible expellable offense? We were like major heroes, superheroes whose identity remained a mystery. No one had any clue who had pulled the caper off. They just all wished they'd thought of it.

  Dex took notes for me, too. But it didn't matter because the bitch Rogers posted hers online. Dex said I missed quite a show. I should have seen how jittery and nervous she was the entire lecture, especially when she turned the projector on. He took video of it on his phone to show me.

  I wanted to call into work sick. I really couldn't face Logan and was dreading Dad's Weekend with a passion, even though I figured I was no longer Logan's fake girlfriend for the weekend. But Karen called me in a panic, saying Logan had called in sick along with half the crew. Yeah, he was definitely avoiding me. She asked if I could come in early.

  I suspected, and probably so did she, that most people were blowing off work to start the Halloweekend party early.

  When I arrived, Jason was talking to Karen at her desk. "Our sitter for Saturday night just called to cancel. Lyssa's mom is out of town at her sister's and can't fill in. I can't believe the faculty actually scheduled their party on Halloween and expects us to come. My VP will have my butt in a sling if I don't make an appearance.

  "Where are we supposed to get a sitter? Every reliable high school and college girl has plans. Lyssa's unhappy, but I may have to go stag."

  "I don't." I could hardly believe the words popped out of my mouth. They swiveled and stared at me as I took my coat off and hung it on the rack by the door.

  "I don't have any plans. I'll do it. I'll watch Mia."

  Jason looked perplexed and uncertain. "Are you sure, Ellie? You still have twenty-four hours. A lot can change in that time. There are hundreds of parties on campus you could drop into. With Halloween actually on a Saturday, this is an epic Halloweekend."

  "I'm not in the partying mood this year." I wasn't in the mood for anything. "What time do you need me?"

  Friday night the dorm was loud with parties and partiers. I huddled in my room, a hermit, trying to ignore the revelry around me. I texted Collin and told him I couldn't come to his party because I was babysitting Mia for Jason in a pinch. I knew he'd tell Logan. I waited for Logan to text me, but he didn't. So that was the way it was.

  The dorm didn't quiet down until after three. Bre and I slept in until noon. Then we both staggered to the showers and got some breakfast in the cafeteria—boo-berry muffins and scary eggs. It was nearly two by the time Bre went to the library to study, leaving me in the room by myself.

  There was a knock on the door just after she left. I rolled my eyes. What had she forgotten now? Bre was too lazy to get her key out and I wasn't in any mood to leave the door open. Nic and Tay and everyone else on the floor knew to leave me alone in my black mood. I'd locked myself in on purpose.

  I popped up and opened it without thinking. "What do you want now—"

  I froze. Austin stood in my doorway. As I reached to slam the door shut, he stuck his foot in the way and held out his arm to block it. There was no point in trying to shut it now.

  Two girls from the floor walked by just then. They gave him the once-over and motioned to me behind his back that he was smoking hot. I ignored them. They didn't know him like I did.

  "Can I come in?" He looked sheepish. "Please, Ellie."

  I don't know what possessed me, but I took a step back. I guess I've always been a sucker. "Suit yourself." I retreated to my desk chair. It seemed the safest place and the easiest way to keep my distance.

  He came into the room and closed the door softly behind him. "You look good."

  He lied. Without makeup, I looked heartbroken and like crap, which probably gave him the idea I was still into him. I instinctively touched my left cheek and rubbed the tiny scar on my cheekbone, which suddenly ached like it was freshly sliced again.

  "What brings you to campus?" I forced myself to remove my hand from the scar and stared at him, measuring his effect on me. Anyone looking at him now would say he was hot. He certainly looked better than the bloody mess he'd been when I'd pulled my third stepfather off him. At the time, I'd thought Doug was going to kill him. Funny how Doug blamed him and I blamed Mom.

  Austin was like a handsome stranger to me now. With some relief, I realized he no longer made my heart constrict.

  "Schwartz and Bradley are having a party. They've been begging me to come all fall." He sat down on Bre's bed across from my desk and stared at me.

  I was relieved he was on her bed, not mine, and that he'd chosen not to come too close to me.

  "You wouldn't answer my calls, texts, or emails. I had to come see you. We need to talk."

  I pursed my lips and shrugged. "About what?"

  "Come on, Ellie. Don't give me that. About everything. I can't leave things the way they were." He made a move that looked like he was going to stand and come to me.

  "Don't come near me." Almost subconsciously I grabbed a pair of scissors from the caddy on my desk. I glanced down, surprised I was holding them. I was still angrier than I thought. Anything to protect myself. I set them back down.

  "What is there to say, really, Austin? You had sex with my mom. Before my eyes." I snorted like I was trying to laugh, but it wasn't funny. "Next time I'll remember to call before I make a surprise run home to do laundry."

  The images flashed before me again. Pulling up and parking in front of Mom and Doug's house. Doug's car pulling into the driveway right behind me. Getting out of my car. Waving to him as I grabbed my laundry basket f
rom the backseat. Doug waiting in the driveway, holding his briefcase.

  "What are you doing here?" Doug asked as I walked up the front walk.

  I held up my laundry basket. "I'm out of clean clothes. What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town."

  "Caught an earlier flight home so I could surprise Melissa."

  His key in the front door. The two of us joking with each other. Freezing in the entryway as we heard the distinctive thumping and moaning of sex. Turning toward the living room. Looking directly at Mom and Austin making the sign of the two-humped whale on the couch. So shocked neither of us could process it. As obvious as it was, it just didn't make sense.

  Doug dropping his briefcase. The roar that came out of him as he charged them and pulled Austin, naked from the waist down, off Mom. The sickening thud of his fists hammering Austin again and again while Mom screamed at him to stop. The blood from Austin's nose and lip spattering the cream sofa and the carpet, the wall behind them. Mom reaching for her clothes and phone.

  Not thinking, just grabbing Doug's arm, trying to pull him away from Austin before he killed him. Flailing and failing miserably, a mere gnat toying with a raging bull. Wedging myself between them. The searing blow to my head that was meant for Austin. Staggering back into the end table. A lamp crashing to the floor. My ears ringing so loudly I couldn't hear anything but the sound of consciousness fleeing. Someone catching me before I went down.

  Doug's bloody fist. His prized class ring gleaming through a coating of blood. Something sticky running down my cheek. Touching my face. My fingers coming away bloody. Stunned, confused, barely hanging on. My lip swelling. The taste of blood and violence.

  Doug sobbing, broken. "Ellie, Ellie, I'm sorry."

  The cops arriving. Sharing an ambulance with Austin to emergency. The lights. The doctors and nurses. The stitches.

  The aftermath. The assault charges Austin filed against Doug. The restraining order Mom filed against him. Going back to school. Only coming back to the house once to get my things, when I knew Mom was out. Finding the note about Jason Front when I searched her private papers looking for answers. Hoping my real dad was a better person than my mom.