Reckless Longing

by Gina Robinson

  Austin stared at the floor. "You saved my life. He was going to kill me. I owe you."

  I didn't argue with him. I probably had. Doug was in a murderous rage that afternoon. Crime of passion, I knew firsthand what that meant now. Doug wasn't ordinarily violent. He'd never touched Mom or me, or anyone I knew of, before. If he hadn't accidently hit me when I stepped between them, who knows how badly he would have beaten Austin. Striking me brought him back to his senses. Even though he gave me a hairline fracture on my cheek, and a permanent scar, I would take that blow again in a heartbeat.

  "I didn't mean for it to happen." Austin's voice wavered. "I loved you."

  I noted he was speaking in the past tense and felt absolutely no sorrow over it, only relief.

  "She invited me over for dinner, saying you'd be there. We had a few drinks. She came on to me—"

  "So it's all her fault? Or maybe it was the alcohol's? Wearing alcohol goggles, you couldn't tell the difference between my mom and me? Hint—she's the older one."

  "Ellie…"

  I took a deep breath. "You think I don't know Mom's a slut? Nothing gives her more of a thrill than flirting with my boyfriends. She competes with me for everything, and my men are like her ultimate prize. That's why I keep them away from her. But, damn it, Austin! All the others resisted her. Why couldn't you?"

  He had the good grace to look ashamed and not offer another lame excuse.

  "I'm sorry. That's what I came to say. I wish I could go back and undo it all. I wish we could go back to the way things were."

  "That's not going to happen." I swallowed hard. I was over him, but being betrayed by anyone, especially your own mother, was a wound that didn't easily heal. "I can't be around someone who's slept with my mom. I'm sorry, I just can't."

  He looked up at me. "I know you don't want to hear this, but she's sorry, too. She misses you."

  My mouth fell open. "You're in touch with her?"

  He held up his hands in protest. "No, no! Not like that. She cries and leaves me messages, begging me to tell you she's sorry."

  "How touching."

  "Are you ever going to forgive her?" He sounded and looked worried, like he really had done something unforgivable by coming between a mother and daughter.

  "Not in the foreseeable future."

  He hung his head. "There are always two sides to a story, Ellie. What I did was wrong and I'd take it back in a minute. But she's a lonely woman. I'm not excusing her. But in her way, I think she genuinely loves you. She's just horribly insecure and jealous of how together you are. When she looks at you, she sees how she could have been."

  He took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Will you at least forgive me?"

  I took a breath that matched his. And then I realized something. I was tired of living with the burning anger and hatred I'd been harboring for him. It was only hurting me, not him. I needed to move on. Letting go and forgiving him was the first step, and the best thing for both of us. I finally felt like I could.

  "I forgive you, Austin." I said it as sincerely and genuinely as I could, because it was the absolute truth. And as stunning to me as it was to him. "I really do."

  A look of relief crossed his face. An awkward silence followed.

  "I'd better go."

  I nodded.

  He stood to leave.

  I walked him to the door.

  He touched the scar on my cheek and rubbed it gently. "You really are beautiful, in all the right ways. Happy Halloween, Ellie."

  On impulse I leaned up and kissed him goodbye on the cheek. "Happy Halloweekend. Take care, Austin."

  Chapter Fifteen

  News travels fast. Bre, Taylor, and Nic arrived back from the library full of questions about the hot guy that was seen going into my room. I explained what had happened.

  "I can't believe the infamous Austin was here and I missed him." Nic shook her head. "You actually forgave him?"

  I nodded. "Yeah. It was the right thing to do. But it was as much for me as him." I don't think they really got that. They wouldn't unless they'd been hurt like I had. I knew what they were thinking, too, the corollary—that I should forgive Logan for sleeping with the bitch Dr. Rogers.

  That, however, was less about forgiveness and more about disgust and disappointment. He hadn't done anything directly to me that demanded my forgiveness. But he wasn't the man I thought he was. And I couldn't get over that. And the horrible image of him with Dr. Rogers. That was almost as bad as the image of Austin with my mom.

  After ending their inquisition of me, Bre, Taylor, and Nic spent the rest of the day getting ready for the big night. I watched them with a sort of amused sadness. The hallway outside our room had been decorated for weeks with orange and black crepe paper, spooky webs, and giant plastic spiders. All of the door decs along the hallway, including ours, were Halloween themed and handmade by our RA, complete with colorful, cute pumpkin stickers.

  Bre's mom had sent a metal haunted house candleholder, and two spooky gargoyles to keep watch over us and chase away evil spirits. We lit the tea light in the haunted house and set it on Bre's dresser as soon as it got dark. The gargoyles were positioned as sentries. And we set an orange plastic bowl full of candy by the door.

  The hall was filled with laughter and lively spirits and a wild cast of characters as girls got ready to go out and party. Everyone was getting dressed up. The pervading theme running through the costumes was simple—"sexed up." This was the night to go hot and show what you got. Girls dressed as popular bite-sized candies in short, colorful dresses with the appropriate candy logos pinned at their midriffs. Bras and short shorts reigned as costume pieces even though the weather had turned cold.

  Bre looked hot in her witch's costume, but I didn't feel the slightest pang of regret for throwing it away. Tay was a sexy bee in a costume her older sister had made her. Nic had gone for the sports costume—a jersey, unbuttoned low to reveal her bra and tied up around her midriff, a cap, short shorts, and knee-high socks. Sports costumes were popular because they were easy, easily sexed up, and could be pulled from almost anyone's wardrobe on the spur of the moment. Inexpensive and convenient.

  The girls finally convinced me I should dress up, too, though I saw no reason.

  "They might want you to answer the door and hand out candy," Bre said, which is what finally convinced me.

  "How about a sexy zombie?" Tay held up her tray of Halloween makeup and a tube of fake blood. "Zombies are easy. I can transform you, no problem. And you have that really cute black and white bra. That skirt you accidently tore will be perfect."

  I rolled my eyes. "And scare the baby? No way. Plus I can't show up to meet the boss's wife looking like I'm trying to seduce him or waiting to let a guy in the minute they leave."

  Tay sighed and set her makeup tray down. "You're no fun."

  I had brought my Hunger Games District 12 shirt with me from last Halloween, and my plastic bow and quiver. I dragged them out and placated Tay by having her braid my hair in the classic Katniss side braid. A touch of makeup, my mockingjay pin, and I was good to go.

  Jason was picking me up early, at seven. The staff party started way earlier than the student parties. I tried not to think about Collin, Zave, and Logan getting ready for theirs, the legendary, epic party of their college career. The rest of my gang wouldn't head out until much later. When Jason texted that he was on his way, they walked me to the dorm door to wait for him and teased me about taking a coat. No one, except for the biggest wet blankets, ruined their costume by putting a coat on over it.

  "I can't very well show up with my alcohol blanket on," I said as I grabbed a pair of cotton gloves.

  "That's what we'll be wearing." The three of them laughed in unison.

  I knew they would, too. They already had their tequila and shot glasses lined up and ready to go. Two shots to keep you warm before you headed out was a pretty standard alcohol blanket. "Eat something with it."

  Tay laughed. "Yes, mom."


  "I still can't believe you're babysitting for your boss on Halloween!" Nic shook her head. "I bet they'll get back early enough you can still go to Collin's."

  I flashed her a skeptical look, knowing I wouldn't. I couldn't explain how badly I wanted to see my baby sister, because no one knew I even had one. This might be the only opportunity I got. And now with my illusions about Logan crushed, there was no party I wanted to be at, especially his.

  A car pulled up and Jason—dressed in a dorky tweed jacket, jodhpur riding pants, and old-fashioned boots—got out.

  I saluted my friends. "May the odds be ever in your favor!" I ran down the steps to meet him.

  "Katniss!" he said when he saw me. "They let you out of the district for the night?"

  "Let me out? I thought this was the district." I looked at him and arched a brow. "And you are?"

  "That bad?" He laughed. "You'd recognize me with my hat, pipe, and magnifying glass. I left them at the house. We have a theme—intellectuals."

  Professors and administrators would have a lame theme like that.

  "Any guesses?" he said as we got in his car and he started the ignition.

  "You deduced I was Katniss. That's brilliant, Sherlock."

  He laughed. "Very good."

  "So Lyssa is Watson? That's not very couple-y."

  "Watson is a woman this season on Elementary."

  "Hardly classic. Still not romantic."

  "Lyssa would never stand for playing my intellectual second, anyway." He turned off campus and headed toward the prosperous new residential section of town where most of the staff and professors lived.

  "I hope she's not Moriarty."

  "Not quite."

  When we arrived, Lyssa called out to us. "We're in here. I'm feeding Mia or I'd get up." Her tone was happy and content, friendly and feminine.

  The house smelled like nutmeg and cinnamon. A bowl of candy sat on the console table near the front door. My heart raced as Jason led the way toward the family room. The house was gorgeous and spacious, and decorated like they'd consulted a designer. Everything was tasteful, even their Halloween decorations—Indian corn and collections of expensive glass pumpkins and gourds set around artistically. Nothing that would scare a baby.

  We found Lyssa sitting on the sofa feeding Mia a bottle. The look on her face was pure love as she smiled at her baby. Unlike my mom, Lyssa was beautiful in a way that was classy, and, for lack of a better word, wholesome. Which is to say, there was nothing slutty about her. I couldn't imagine her ever flirting or sleeping with one of Mia's boyfriends.

  She was dressed in a purple Victorian gown with a high collar, her hair twisted into a chignon.

  I turned to Jason. "Irene Adler."

  He laughed. "You're quick."

  Lyssa looked up at us and smiled.

  "Lyssa, this is Ellie."

  She smiled at me. "I finally get to meet the famous Ellie. I hear you're good with Mia. Jason sings the praises of your work all the time, too."

  I shrugged, surprisingly embarrassed by the praise. "Babies like me."

  "Look at her, Lyssa. Does Ellie remind you of anyone? I've spent all semester trying to think who."

  A wave of alarm washed over me—what if Lyssa saw what he'd missed?

  Lyssa's answering laugh was melodic. "That's been driving him crazy all semester." She studied me and shook her head. "Katniss Everdeen?"

  We all laughed. I hoped neither of them noticed how nervous mine was. No one could see the resemblance to my dad, not even his wife? I wasn't sure whether that was insulting or reassuring. But at least the moment of panic had passed.

  She smiled at Jason. "Sorry, babe. I can't help you. I don't know. I don't see it."

  "And you were my last hope." Jason winked at her. The love between them was obvious and adorable in a way that almost broke my heart.

  This would never be my life.

  Jason gave me the tour, showing me where everything was. Answering the door for trick-or-treaters slowed him down. "The bulk of the little trick-or-treaters will be over by eight thirty. Which means it will be the high school and college kids after that. Turn off the porch light then, or before if you like, I don't expect you to answer the door. Just ignore anyone who comes after."

  When Mia finished her bottle, Lyssa handed her to Jason and gave me the instructions again, making sure I had their numbers and showing me the babysitter's guidebook they'd made that had all the pertinent information. "There are donuts and munchies on the counter for you. The fridge is stocked with pop and cider. Feel free to use the coffee machine. Mia should settle down for the night about nine thirty."

  "Don't worry about us, we'll be fine."

  Lyssa finally put her coat on and kissed Mia. Jason grabbed his props. I carried Mia and walked them to the door.

  "We'll be fine. I have lots of experience with babies."

  They finally left just after seven thirty. I watched them pull out of the driveway and answered the door to a bunch of trick-or-treaters with Mia in my arms. It was awkward holding the bowl and Mia. She didn't like the position she was in when I leaned over. Her tiny mouth pursed up like she was going to cry. And the kids grabbed handfuls of candy. At this rate, it wasn't going to last long.

  I decided that was it for trick-or-treaters. When they left, I shut off the porch light and all the lights at the front of the house and retreated to the family room, where I played with Mia. She had everything a baby could want—plush toys, including a goofy pumpkin and a cute ghost, teething toys, even an iPad of her own loaded with children's books. I read her stories and played the baby-approved videos Lyssa had said she could watch.

  I felt peaceful and happy holding her. I realized how Katniss could not think twice about taking Primrose's place in the lottery. I was about to make a similar sacrifice—letting my dad go so Mia could live a happy, uncomplicated life.

  Just like Lyssa said, at around nine thirty, Mia got fussy like she was fighting sleep. I took her to her room and put her on her changing table to change her diaper before putting her to bed. A fancy teddy bear sat on the dresser above it. Her room was a study in shades of pink.

  I smiled at her and blew a raspberry on her tummy when she arched up, trying to roll over and get away from me changing her diaper.

  When she was changed, I grabbed a bottle and sat in the rocking chair as I rocked and gave her the bottle. Seeing the perfect world Mia and Jason lived in, I realized I couldn't destroy it with the knowledge of me. Now that I was trying to move on and get over Logan, it didn't matter if I kept the secret forever any way.

  But I wanted to tell Mia the truth just once.

  "Want to hear a bedtime story?" I used my soothing, cooing voice that babies liked. As I rocked, her little eyes fluttered open and closed with the back and forth motion, once again like a doll's. "I'm not just any babysitter. I'm your big sister." I kissed her forehead.

  "Yeah, I know. Pretty incredible, isn't it? Even our daddy doesn't know who I really am. We're actually only half sisters. We have different mommies." My voice broke.

  It took me a minute to compose myself. I lowered my voice to a bare whisper as I told her about the ugliness of my life. "You got the better mommy, believe me. Mine blames me for everything that's wrong in her life. She slept with my boyfriend."

  I bit my lip and took a deep breath. "You don't know what that means, but it's bad, like the ultimate betrayal. Now I don't talk to her." Realizing I wasn't telling her the most soothing bedtime tale, I hummed a lullaby.

  "Better yet," I said, "you get to live with our daddy and grow up with him. I only get to work with him. He thinks I'm just another student. So take advantage of that. Make him do all the dad stuff like teaching you to ride a bike and drive a car and go to your high school daddy/daughter dance." I paused.

  "I never had a dad in my life, let alone one who loves me like Jason loves you. Sometimes, the thought makes me a little jealous. But that's just life, you know." I hummed another lullaby for her.

&
nbsp; "No one loves me. I don't even have any other brothers or sisters." I hugged her close and blinked back tears. "Don't take your life for granted. Appreciate it and love your family. Not everyone is as lucky and loved as you."

  I kissed her once more as she drifted off to sleep and gave a baby snort. I rocked her for another ten minutes, until I was certain she was soundly asleep.

  I laid her in her crib. "May the odds be absolutely always in your favor. And when it's time to find your prince, may he be loyal and true."

  On Monday, I skipped chem again. Dex clicked me in. I thought he'd protest and tell me to man up. But he agreed to cover for me without argument. Then he encouraged me to hang in there, making me wonder again what the boy genius was up to. And feeling a wash of sentiment that almost made me cry because he was such a good friend and sounded so sympathetic. I almost thought Dex was missing his calling. Maybe he should have considered grief counseling.

  I went to work feeling a sense of relief now that I'd finally decided not to come clean with Jason about being my bio dad. One less thing to worry about. Late on Friday, Jason had told me that Logan was going to be out of the office all this week on special assignment. So I swung into the office feeling pretty good.

  Until I saw Karen's face. "Jason wants to see you in his office." Her tone was worried and ominous, like I was in big trouble. Which made no sense.

  I glanced at the clock. I was five minutes early. I frowned and was starting to slide my coat off when Jason stepped out. "Ellie, I need to see you. Now."

  I slid my coat back over my shoulders and grabbed my backpack as my heart raced. As I walked across the office, I felt like I was taking the walk of shame.

  "Close the door." His voice was hard.

  I stared at him from just inside the door, refusing to sit and be intimidated. I'd had enough confrontations over the years with Mom's men to know never to put myself in the weak position. I waited for him to speak.

  "Ellie, we have a problem." He took a deep breath, looking uncomfortable. "Maybe I should say, you have a problem. I'm sympathetic. I'm willing to get you help—"