Shapes of Autumn (Boxed set, books 1 - 5)

by Veronica Blade

  “I feel gross today. I should’ve stayed home.” I peeked at Zack out of the corner of my eye to see him smiling at Gina. My hand shot to my stomach which was now queasy at the idea of eating.

  “Oh.” Her brows drew together. “Maybe you should go to the nurse.”

  Out of the question. I didn’t think Zack would really be waiting for me in my car after school, but if the nurse sent me home, it would be impossible for him to get to my car. “I’ve only got two more classes. I’ll tough it out.”

  Maya rubbed my arm soothingly. “Okay, but if you need anything, just ask. Gosh, I hope you’re okay for the trip.”

  My smile felt completely foreign to my face. “I’ll be fine. Probably just something I ate.”

  “You could take your mind off your stomach by telling me how Cameron’s lips ended up on yours.” She shot me a disapproving look. “What was up with that?”

  We were at the front of the line now and I scanned the selection of sandwiches. “He ambushed me and I brushed him off.” I sighed. “Cameron’s nice, but it’s too soon after my breakup with Zack.”

  If she asked the right questions, she might figure out how truly horrible last night had gone and I wouldn’t be able to explain any of it. As much as I loved Maya, hanging out with her right then probably wasn’t such a good idea. I needed to sit by John, Janine and Ashley, who wouldn’t pry too much. Besides, I didn’t want my rotten mood rubbing off on her. She was in a healthy relationship and I wanted her to enjoy it.

  When we’d finished loading our trays, Maya glanced over at Trevor. I followed her gaze and noticed Zack huddled with Gina at the next table over. I bristled. “Go. I’m fine. I promise.” I smiled again, my face protesting the movement.

  “I’ll look for you after school.” She patted my shoulder and returned to her boyfriend. “Text me later and let me know how you’re feeling, okay?”

  “I will.” Tray in hand as I turned away from Maya, I tried to give the impression everything was right in the world. I’d been successful at hiding my emotions from my parents for years. It shouldn’t be too difficult to do it with my schoolmates.

  As I made my way toward John’s table, I wondered what Zack was thinking. Was he relieved to have an excuse to dump me, happy that he’d dodged a bullet? Or was he as miserable as me? Ashley made room for me next to her, across from John. As soon as Zack was out of my line of vision, my breathing became easier and the pressure lifted from my chest.

  “Hey.” I peeled the foil off my yogurt and stirred it, wondering what Zack was thinking at this moment. Did he miss me? Did he want me back? Was he sorry? Zack was always difficult to read. The only way to pick his brain was to ask him and I refused to talk to him. No way.

  I kept telling myself I’d eventually get over Zack, that I’d been through worse things. But the pain in my chest was so fierce and raw, I knew it would never pass. My superhuman powers were useless to me in love.

  “Autumn, I was wondering if you’d give me your thoughts on something,” John said.

  I blinked, remembering where I was. Setting the spoon on the table, I realized I’d been absently stirring the yogurt.

  John needed my input on something? I was grateful for the distraction and wanted to throw my arms around him. “Sure.”

  He looked around and leaned forward. I glanced around too, certain no one was listening.

  “Let’s just say that I needed help, but I wouldn’t ask for it. And I wouldn’t volunteer anything about what was going on either. And let’s just say that you had no idea why and no clue how to help me, but you were absolutely positive I was all screwed up.”

  John checked again for eavesdroppers, before leaning closer. “Would you let me stay in that dark place or would you try to pull me out? Would you wait for me to ask for your help or would you throw me a rope? As a true friend, what would you do?”

  Now this was something I could help him with and having something else to think about was a godsend. “That’s easy. Just because a friend doesn’t ask for a rope, doesn’t mean they don’t need it. Sometimes, people don’t realize they need help. Even if they do, they might not know how to go about getting it. I’d definitely throw you a rope.”

  “Okay.” He nodded, eyeing me for a moment. “I’m throwing you a rope.”

  “What?”

  “Autumn, do you want to talk about it? Tell me how to make it better for you.”

  “I didn’t see that coming.” I grabbed my soda and chugged, the carbonation burning my throat. John was an amazing friend and it meant a lot that he cared that much about me. But I couldn’t confide in him or give him any semblance of the truth. I didn’t want to lie either. I’d had enough of lies. The only other option was to stay silent.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  I sighed. “I can’t talk about it just yet. Maybe never. Normally, I would, but this is just one of those things that…” I shook my head, letting my words trail off.

  “Are you …” His eyes darted around again and he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Are you pregnant or something?”

  I groaned. Why did everyone keep thinking I might be pregnant? “No, John. I swear that isn’t it. It’s not life threatening either, but I’m not at liberty to discuss it. I’m sorry.”

  “I get it. But if you change your mind, I’m here, okay?”

  “Thanks.” I gave him a weak smile. “That means a lot, really.”

  It didn’t ease the hot poker stuck in my chest, but it was sweet of him to try. I stood, gathered my things and headed toward the garbage can to dump my tray.

  Cameron came up beside me. “Everything okay? You look sad.”

  The worse I felt, the harder it was to hide. My eyes darted to Zack for the millionth time, but he wasn’t looking at me. I knew he could hear our conversation, but I doubted that he cared to listen in.

  Cameron followed my gaze, his eyes landing on Zack a moment, then returning to me. “He looks dark and broody today. Something put him in a sour mood. You sure it’s over between you two?”

  “Very over. I heard from a reliable source that he and Gina hooked up last night. She can have him. I don’t care.”

  “That’s obvious,” he said as if he didn’t believe a word I’d said. His eyes narrowed. “Did you tell him we kissed?”

  I stared at Cameron’s shoes. “Yes,” I blurted without thinking. “But not on purpose.”

  He eyed Zack again and shook his head. “You said he scammed on other girls, but I’ve never noticed him looking at anyone the way he looks at you. I don’t know what’s going on with him and Gina now, but he doesn’t act like someone who’s over you. Maybe you’re both too stuck on yourselves to give the other a break?”

  I gave a quick laugh that made me sound like I was choking. “What are you talking about?”

  He moved closer and lowered his voice. “Don’t be dumb. If you want Zack back, tell him. Don’t wait until it’s too late. I can tell you from personal experience it sucks to chicken out and then miss your chance.”

  Guilt oozed through me since he was obviously referring to me.

  “Decide what you want and go for it. Then maybe you’ll have one less regret to live with.” Cameron squeezed my shoulder and returned to his table.

  It was a great pep talk and I appreciated it, but the only way to fix things with Zack was to make peace with what he’d done with Gina. That wasn’t going to happen. And apologizing for kissing Cameron, when it hadn’t been my idea, was every kind of wrong.

  Out of my peripheral, I spied an empty seat where Zack had been sitting. I took comfort in knowing he couldn’t have heard Cameron’s low voice over the din of the cafeteria. Zack didn’t need to know how he affected me.

  A purse was shoved into my hand and fingers gently grasped my arm as John steered me toward the door. “Geez, Autumn, you’re standing there like a zombie. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but can you please try not to scare your friends?”

  It was horrify
ing to think I’d been standing there with a vacant look on my face. I really needed to get a grip.

  “I’ll walk you to class to make sure you survive.”

  “Um.” What else was there to say?

  John dropped me off and dashed to his own class. The seat next to mine in English Lit was empty. I took my seat, expecting Zack to arrive any second, but the bell rang and he still hadn’t shown up. Did he hate me so much that he couldn’t bear to sit next to me? If that was the case, then a road trip with him was definitely out of the question.

  After English Lit ended, I shuffled to my last class. Nausea swirled in my stomach and a haze followed wherever I went. Where was Zack?

  Mr. Collins droned on and I suffered through it, using body language like little nods and occasional eye contact to appear as though I was paying attention. But I barely heard him. In just minutes, I’d be on the road. Alone.

  Zack would stay here, maybe go on a date with Gina. Now he was free to have fun with her without a pathetic girlfriend watching through the window. Where was Gina today anyway? Aside from lunch, I hadn’t noticed her all day. Then again, I hadn’t noticed much else either.

  When the bell rang, I walked to my locker like a corpse, my heavy body dragging along the linoleum.

  Maya leaned against my locker, her arms folded across her chest. “Okay, spill it, Autumn. What the hell is going on?”

  I glanced from her to my locker, realizing she was blocking it. There was no way to avoid her questioning. I’d have to cough up something to pass as truth… actually, I could give her the truth. “Zack and I aren’t friends anymore. But for real this time.”

  Her eyes softened and she squeezed my hand. “What happened?”

  “He was with Gina last night. Like really with her.”

  “No way.” Maya’s mouth dropped open.

  “It’s true. He admitted it.”

  “Gross.” She gave a mock shiver. “But if you’re just friends, why can’t he date anyone else?”

  I blinked. “Gina is a skank.”

  “That does explain why she looked so happy today. She kept making goo-goo eyes at him during lunch and anytime I saw her between classes. Made me want to vomit.”

  So Gina had been at school for more than just lunch. And I hadn’t noticed her other times for the same reason I hadn’t noticed myself standing like a zombie in the lunch room. I acted as though I was on another planet, but I was still on Earth.

  Except that it was extremely hot. Yep, I was in hell.

  Maya snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Autumn! Where did you go? Come back to us. Hello?”

  “Yeah. I gotta go. It’s a long way to Yosemite.”

  “Zack’s not going with you?” she asked.

  I held up my hands, palms up and lifted my shoulders. “Why would he come with me when he could be hooking up with Gina?”

  “Trevor and I will come then. You’re not going alone. We can go to the concert another time.”

  “No. Please don’t do that. I’d rather go alone than screw up your plans. And you don’t want to be stuck with me in a car right now. Trust me. I’ll just make you guys miserable. Seriously.”

  “I’ll get Trevor and be at your car in five minutes. I mean it, Autumn. Don’t you dare drive away alone.”

  I was the last person in the world they should hang out with —I wasn’t fit to be with humans and ruining their weekend was unthinkable.

  Maya disappeared down the hallway and I stuffed my books in my locker, then bolted to my car, in a hurry to make my getaway.

  Scanning the grounds, I didn’t see Maya or Trevor anywhere. Or Zack. As I approached my car, despair thickened in my throat and I slowed, not wanting to face an empty car.

  Not wanting to face my future without Zack.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Trying to ease the feeling of being suffocated, I took a deep breath and trudged toward the Mustang with my head down. As I drew closer, my skin tingled, and a woodsy sent wafted up my nose.

  Zack.

  I couldn’t see him, but knew with every shape-shifter cell in my body that he was inside my car. But why would he be there after our fight? Oh, right. I was a damsel in distress — his specialty. I texted Maya with an update, then started up the engine and backed out.

  I’m surprised you’re here, I told him silently, just in case anyone was watching.

  Zack didn’t answer and was still silent at the freeway onramp. In my rearview mirror, I could see the back of his head as he craned his neck to see behind us. With so many cars on the road, it wasn’t easy to tell if we were being followed.

  I bit my lip, unable to believe that he’d actually come, and equally unable to believe that I’d let him. But I didn’t hate that he was here and that made me nervous. He’d already hurt me enough.

  Checking the mirror, I frowned. “Are you going to ride in the back the whole way?”

  “Maybe. Did you bring my things?” he asked.

  “They’re in the trunk. Why weren’t you in class?”

  “Because I needed to get inside your car without being seen. So after lunch I faked being sick, went to the nurse and she sent me home. Instead, I used your spare key and waited in here.”

  “For two hours? It’s freaking roasting in here.”

  “No kidding. Hand me your phone and I’ll navigate.”

  He would’ve had a much more comfortable afternoon if he’d bailed on me. I was still mad at Zack for the Gina incident, but baking in my car for two hours, just so I’d have someone to drive with, went a long way to calm my fury.

  I grabbed my phone and stretched my arm behind my head. Zack relieved me of it and for the next few minutes all I heard was the backseat creaking.

  “Nobody’s following us. I’m coming up.” He snaked between the two front seats and strapped himself in. “We’ll stay on the five north for a while, then we can choose between taking the forty-one all the way up to Oakhurst or the ninety-nine to the forty-one. We can decide once we get there.”

  “Okay.” I glanced sideways at him. “Or let the map decide for us.”

  Zack turned and faced the window, making me feel awkward about saying anything else. Being with him didn’t feel the same and I hated it. I hated Gina. I hated him for what he’d done with her and for ruining what we had.

  I sighed. This was going to be a long ride. Turning on the music, I let myself slide into the lyrics as I imagined accomplishing everything I wanted from this trip. Then I could confront my parents on which lie they told, whatever that was, and move on from Zack.

  About an hour later, Zack pointed to a fast food sign. “Take this next exit. I’m hungry. And I’ll drive, if you don’t mind.”

  “No problem.” I did as he asked. “Drive-thru or do you want to go in?”

  “Drive-thru. The sooner we get there, the sooner we might learn more about your parents.”

  And the sooner he’d be back home and free of me.

  Zack made no attempt at more conversation and I couldn’t stand the quiet — that was when I did most of my thinking and I didn’t want to go down any crazy mental paths. I had to break the silence, but I needed to do it right.

  “So… did you want to break up with me? Is that why you did that with Gina?” Clearly, I should’ve given this more thought, but then again why beat around the bush?

  “Make a right here. I want a cheeseburger,” he said at the end of the off ramp.

  “Sure. I’ll just get a veggie burger or something.” I seethed over my unanswered question as I pulled up to the drive-thru window and put in our order.

  He tapped the dashboard, waiting for his food. “Is that why you did it?”

  “Did what?” The car ahead of me moved forward and I took his spot.

  Zack avoided my gaze. “Why you kissed Cameron. Was it because you wanted to break up?”

  I gaped at him, my stupor preventing me from coming up with an intelligible response. The car behind me honked and I moved my car forward agai
n.

  “I get the appeal. Cameron’s a good guy. And he’s human,” Zack continued. “No laws to break, no scouts to avoid. You could do worse.”

  Was Zack trying to pawn me off on someone else? The drive-thru window opened and I gave some cash to the pale-faced girl wearing a headset. She handed me our food, then I passed it to Zack and eased the car back onto the street.

  “Let’s fill up the gas tank so we won’t have to stop again.” His hand disappeared into the food bag then reappeared a second later with a french fry.

  I nodded, still unable to speak as I rolled the car along the row of gas pumps. How could I reply to his comments about Cameron? Should I agree with him or tell him the truth — that Cameron could never replace him? That even after what he’d done I still loved him?

  Zack climbed out of the Mustang and began working the pump.

  I rolled down the window so he could hear me. “We could say the same about Alura. She’s really pretty and your life would be a lot easier being with her.”

  He glanced at me for a second, then focused on the pump. “She’s engaged.”

  Otherwise she’d be an option for him? I ground my teeth. “You didn’t answer my question. Did you hook up with Gina to break up with me?”

  “No. I did it because you asked me to.” He turned back to the digital readout on the pump. “Do you want to be with Cameron?”

  “No.”

  “Okay then,” he said, as if those two words settled everything. They didn’t.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  “No, Autumn. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m too pissed off. I can’t even think about it, much less discuss it yet.”

  Except that sweeping it all under the rug wouldn’t work if we were both still upset. But maybe it was just as well we didn’t hash it all out right now. I was still too raw and Zack was bound to make me angrier if he kept acting like a douche.

  He replaced the nozzle and turned to face me. I watched him, scared to hear whatever he was about to say.