I Can Do Better All By Myself

by E. N. Joy

  Paige knew in her spirit it was true. She began shaking her head as tears dripped from her eyes. “No no no no!” she began to weep. “Oh my God. Oh my God.” She sounded as if she was beginning to hyperventilate.

  “Paige, please, just let me explain. It’s not what—”

  “Don’t you dare!” Paige shouted, putting a flat hand up at Tamarra, who had taken a couple steps toward her. It looked as though she was going to make an attempt to comfort her. “Don’t you dare come near me.” Paige let out a scream, a wail, a cry so loud that anyone within earshot could feel her pain. Her heart thundered in her chest. Tamarra could feel her pain as tears began to pour from her eyes too.

  “Paige, neither of the times were the two of you even married yet,” Tamarra tried to explain.

  “Neither of the times?” Paige screamed. “How many times were there?”

  “Twice,” Tamarra mumbled.

  So consumed with anger, Paige looked for the nearest thing to pick up and bash Tamarra upside the head with. That first thing was a crystal vase from off of one of Tamarra’s side tables.

  When Tamarra saw Paige pick it up, she just protected her head with her arms and braced herself.

  With the vase gripped in her hand over her shoulder in a position to be thrown, Paige fought off the desire. She lowered her arm with the vase still resting in her hand.

  Once Tamarra didn’t feel an impact, she peeked between her bended arms to see that Paige was no longer in position to throw the vase. Tamarra slowly lowered her arms to her side. “I’m sorry, Paige. I ... I didn’t know how to tell you. I mean, I tried.” Tamarra swallowed tears. “I tried to tell you that day at my house when you told me that Blake had asked you to marry him and you’d said yes.”

  Paige began laughing and crying, and crying and laughing ... all at the same time. “So that’s it. That’s why you reacted the way you did when you found out I was going to marry Blake. It was more than just the fact that you’d set me up to meet him outside of my job. And here I was thinking it had been some powerful, divine setup by God. Oh no, it was much more than that. You not only knew him prior to me meeting him, but you’d slept with him.” Paige smacked herself upside the forehead. “Oh my God. I’m so stupid. Why couldn’t I have seen this before? I mean, I never really could get why you were making such a big deal out of the fact that you and Blake already knew each other and had mastered this plan to hook him up with me. I mean, it might have been kind of cute—made good for a fairytale romance; that is, if you hadn’t spread your legs for him, you ...” Every curse word under the sun was on the tip of Paige’s tongue, but she remained in control. “Ugh!” she screamed as loud as she could.

  “I’m sorry, Paige. So sorry.” Although Tamarra’s apology was sincere, it fell upon deaf ears.

  “You said you slept with Blake twice. When was the second time?”

  “You two still weren’t married yet,” Tamarra confessed.

  “When?” Paige demanded to know.

  “It was when I went to him. It had been bothering me that he and I had slept together in the past. I knew it shouldn’t have mattered because it was long before you two had ever gotten together.”

  “Tah, it couldn’t have been that long. You hadn’t been too long divorced yourself,” Paige said, staring at Tamarra in the eyes; that was, until Tamarra’s eyes zoomed down to a piece of nonexistent lint on the rug.

  “You didn’t ...” Paige said. “You slept with Blake while you were married to Edward?” Paige shook as if she’d just eaten something disgusting.

  “It was toward the end of Edward’s and my marriage. I was feeling... and... I did an event for Blake ... He’d stayed late to help me clean up ... He was just so slick, so smooth... and he knew I was a married woman. He knew it. He was the kind of man who he felt could get any woman he wanted. I could tell that from the start. The way he talked to them and treated them at the function earlier that night. I should have known. And yet, me in my vulnerable state fell right into his trap.” Now it was as if Tamarra was talking to herself. “Then when I ran into him a little while later, he still had that same attitude, like he could get any woman he wanted. I wanted him to just meet his match. Meet that woman who would shoot him down after only the first date.”

  “And that woman was me,” Paige figured. “You’d watch me date man after man, none of them ever being good enough and me sending them on their merry way. And that’s exactly what you thought I’d do when it came to Blake. You thought I’d destroy his ego once and for all and send him off like a wounded puppy.”

  “But instead you married him.” Tamarra almost said it as if she was angry Paige had ruined her plan. “Talk about a plan backfiring. I mean, he ended up winning over the one woman I thought was for sure going to be Superman’s kryptonite.”

  “So if that’s how you felt about him, then why did you sleep with him again?”

  “Stupid. Because I was stupid,” Tamarra sniffed. “When I went to his place to discuss with him one last time my concerns about not telling you the entire truth, we just ended up ...”

  “It sounds like I’m the one who’s stupid,” Paige said. “Stupid, stupid girl. I’ve been running around here all this time—” Paige cut her own self off. “Does anyone else know?”

  Tamarra hesitated. “Your pastor does, but I just told her today when I went up to the church. I was afraid this is why you’d left. I just got this sickening feeling in my stomach, the same feeling I always got when I figured there was a chance of you finding out.”

  Paige held her arm over her eyes and just began to cry hard. In between cries she managed to ask, “When? When was the second time you and Blake ...”

  Now it was Tamarra who covered her eyes with her arms and began to bawl like a baby.

  Unmoved by the obvious hurt and regret Tamarra was experiencing, Paige stared at her coldly and yelled, “When?”

  “It was right before I came to the church to help you get dressed,” Tamarra cried.

  “Get dressed for wh ... in my wedding gown ... for my wedding?” Paige spoke between tears. “You slept with him the day of my wedding?”

  “I’m so sorry,” Tamarra continued apologizing.

  “Ahhhh!” Paige screamed as she charged toward Tamarra with the vase raised over her head. Once again, Tamarra assumed the position. She shielded her head with her arms. Once again, the expected blow never came.

  Paige’s flesh and the Holy Ghost fought like cats and dogs to control the hand that held the vase. It trembled back and forth in the air until finally her fingers released it, and it crashed to the floor, spraying sparkling shrapnel. Paige just stood there taking in deep breaths, and then exhaling them. Finally she had stopped crying, wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands, and regained complete composure of herself.

  She walked over to Tamarra’s front door, opened it, and prepared to leave. As she exited Tamarra’s house, she told her, “Let me know how much I owe you for the vase,” and was on her way.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Lorain hadn’t even noticed Eleanor’s car parked close to hers. She’d even been looking down, fiddling with her keys as Eleanor got out of the car.

  “We need to talk,” were the words that made their way through Eleanor’s mouth and into Lorain’s ears.

  “Mom?” Shocked, surprised, elated; those were just some of the words that could describe how Lorain felt. “What ... what are you doing sitting out here?”

  “Waiting for you. Well, not really waiting for you ... just ...”

  “Have you been out here long? Why didn’t you come in and have the receptionist call me to the lobby? You didn’t have to wait out here. I mean, what if I’d decided to eat lunch at my desk or something? You could have even called me, and I could have come down and met you.”

  “I know, dear,” Eleanor finally spoke. “I guess I just didn’t know what I was going to say to you is all.”

  Lorain allowed her mother to gather her thoughts in the silence that
separated them.

  “I’m sorry I had you hauled off to jail.”

  “You had every right to. The way I was acting, not to mention the fact that I ...” Lorain cringed every time the thought crossed her mind, let alone having to speak on it. “... that I hit you.” She ran her hands down her short, edgy haircut.

  “It’s not like I didn’t deserve it. I mean, with all those god-awful things I said to you.”

  “They said worse and did worse to Jesus, and yet, He never said a mumbling word. I had no right... no right at all ... to lift a hand to you. No right to do that to a stranger on the street, let alone my mother. So, will you forgive me, Mother?” Lorain asked.

  “I forgive you. But I need you to forgive me too.”

  “Of course,” Lorain replied. “That goes without saying.”

  “Yeah, but I still needed to hear it.” There was silence again before Eleanor spoke. “It’s been a long time since I’ve cooked a big dinner. I was thinking about making your favorites, maybe tomorrow for dinner or something.”

  “That sounds nice, although I don’t think I need to be rewarded with my favorite dishes.”

  “Oh, it’s not for you.”

  “Huh?” Lorain felt that in the gut.

  “I, mean, it’s not just for you anyway. See, I was kind of thinking that maybe you could invite my gran . . . granddaughter ... my granddaughter and great-grandkids,” Eleanor managed to get out.

  Lorain’s jaws dropped. “Mom, are you serious?”

  “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? I mean, they’re blood. They’re my blood. I don’t care how they got here. They’re here now, and they’re mine. They’re ours.”

  Lorain was speechless.

  “So will you call her and ask her?” Eleanor asked. “Do you think she’ll agree?”

  “I ... I don’t see why not.” Lorain could barely speak through the smile on her face. All of a sudden the smile faded though. “Then again ...”

  “What? What is it?” Eleanor asked.

  “Well, Unique and I haven’t told her kids about me yet, let alone you. Maybe she can just come to dinner.”

  “Oh, no. If we’re gonna do this thing, we’re gonna do it right. I’m not about to go through all of this mess twice; once for her, and then again for her kids. You and her might have thought it was a good idea to keep all of this on the down low, but look how that turned out. I won’t be a part of it.” With eyes closed and arms folded, Eleanor stood in the parking lot shaking her head.

  “Perhaps you’re right. Besides, I’m sure the kids at church are going to start talking. All it’s going to take is for one of them to overhear their parents talking on the phone or something and go run and tell it to the boys in children’s church.”

  “And trust me, through the grapevine is no way for them youngins to find out. Take it from me,” Eleanor declared.

  “I have to agree with you there. I’ll give Unique a call. Maybe she can go ahead and have the talk with the boys. That way, it will all pretty much be out in the open by the time they arrive for dinner.” Lorain just looked up at the big blue sky. “Hallelujah!” she shouted, not caring who heard her. “Thank you, Jesus!” She had a praise that she had to get out. “Oh, thank you, God.” Her praise was turning into joyful tears.

  “Stop that now before you have me over here crying,” Eleanor demanded of her daughter, fluttering her tears away before they could drop.

  “Mom, I’m just so happy. God is so faithful. He has His hand in everything. I mean, just when things look crazy and you feel like you’re going to go out of your mind, when everything feels so out of order that you can hardly focus, God shows up and shows out. He reminds us that it doesn’t matter how bananas things look like in our eyes, He is God, and He is a God of order. Our madness is part of His method, and we have to learn to just stop trying to figure this thing out and allow Him to be God. That’s all I’m saying.” Lorain sniffed and wiped away her tears.

  “And you’ve said it all, right there,” Eleanor said, this time unable to keep her tears from falling.

  “Oh, Mom.” Lorain raced over to her mother, and the two embraced for what seemed like forever.

  Finally, Eleanor pulled away. “Go on and get now. I gotta run so I can go to the store and start getting the things I’m going to need for tomorrow’s dinner. Besides, you wouldn’t want to get arrested, would you?”

  “What?” Lorain replied.

  “Remember, there’s a restraining order out on you. You’re not supposed to be all up on me like this.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Lorain chuckled.

  “I’m just teasing. I had it lifted before I came here to see you. I didn’t want to jeopardize you getting arrested and all once again.”

  “I appreciate that, Ma,” Lorain told her. “Well, I’m going to go inside and call Unique. I’ll call you later, okay?” Lorain kissed her mother on the cheek.

  “All right. Bye, dear,” Eleanor said before getting in her car and leaving.

  As Lorain galloped back into her office building, the smile on her face was plastered there so hard, she’d probably need a doctor to remove it. Speaking of a doctor, Lorain was so excited about her breakthrough with her mother and that she wanted to share the news with Unique that she didn’t give her lunch date with Doctor Nicholas Wright a second thought.

  Chapter Thirty

  After her lunch with Lance, Margie felt compelled to go see about Mother Doreen. It wasn’t until she arrived back at the church that she even remembered the episode in the conference room that had taken place prior to her lunch with Lance. It was a lunch that initially was supposed to be with both Lance and her secretary. As they were getting ready to leave, though, the secretary suddenly remembered a doctor’s appointment that she had and couldn’t reschedule.

  “I’ve rescheduled the appointment once before. I can’t do it again,” the secretary had told her cousin and Pastor. “You two just go ahead and enjoy lunch without me.”

  And that’s exactly what Lance and Margie did; enjoy lunch. As a matter of fact, Margie couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed herself so much. And there had not been one moment of talk about the church, church members, issues of the church, or the church’s ministries. Arriving back at church, she almost felt guilty when she sat back down in her office to tend to church business.

  Was this normal? Was it normal for a pastor to not feel like a pastor for just one hour of the day? Because for the first time since Margie could remember, she hadn’t felt like a pastor. She’d felt like a ... a ... What was the word her mind searched for?

  “A woman,” she said out loud.

  “Excuse me? What did you say, Pastor?” The church secretary suddenly appeared in the doorway.

  “Oh, my goodness, you scared me,” Margie chuckled. “Oh, don’t mind me.” Margie shooed her hand. “I was just talking to myself.”

  “Well, you must have really been enjoying the conversation, because you had a starry look in your eyes that shined so bright that it could have reached Lake Michigan.

  “Oh.” Margie quickly straightened up and allowed a more serious pastorlike look to cover her face.

  “No need to put on a mask for me. Go on and let it out.” The secretary invited herself into Margie’s office, where she closed the door behind her and took a seat across from Margie.

  “Let what out?” Margie played dumb.

  “Come on, Pastor, I’ve been your secretary for years, and I’ve never seen that look in your eyes before. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen the look before, just never on you. So spill it. It was lunch with Lance, wasn’t it?”

  Margie sat in her chair looking just as serious as she could for as long as she could. Just when she thought she was about to bust, she let it fall from her lips. “I enjoyed lunch with your cousin so much I feel ashamed,” Margie admitted. “His conversation was just so exciting, so engaging. The fact that he travels all over the country on his job sounds so exotic. That also explains why I’ve never met h
im before in all the years you’ve been my secretary.”

  “Ashamed? What in the world do you have to feel ashamed of? It wasn’t anything but lunch.”

  “I know,” Margie downplayed it.

  “Besides, you deserve to have a fine man like Lance taking you out.”

  “Whoa, hold up.” Margie put her hands up. “He didn’t ‘take me out.’ It just happened to end up being the two of us, remember? You were supposed to be there. It was never just supposed to be him and me.”

  The secretary’s eyes wandered off to an old water spot on the ceiling as guilt plastered her face.

  “Wait a minute.” Margie’s eyes squinted in as she examined the look on her secretary’s face. “There was no doctor’s appointment, was there?”

  The secretary nearly sank down in her chair.

  “You set me up, Vegas. How could you?”

  It was clear that Margie was upset. The only other time she’d ever called her secretary by her first name was when she failed to put a speaking engagement on her calendar. She’d been so embarrassed when she received a call from the event coordinator questioning her about being a no-show.

  “Pastor, I’m sorry,” Vegas apologized as she stood. “But had I just had him outright ask you out, there’s no way you would have agreed to go. So we didn’t have a choice.”

  “We? Do you mean Lance knew he was going to end up having lunch with me alone all along?”

  Vegas nodded.

  “Wow, talking about tampering with fate. When will folks, especially Christian folks, just sit back for once and let God have His way? For real. He’s God all by Himself. He doesn’t need your help, or anyone else’s, for that matter.”

  “I’m ... I’m sorry, Pastor. I had no idea you’d get this upset. It was just lunch.”

  “Sure, it was just lunch, but it was lunch with a man. You could have at least asked me first.”

  “Ohhhh, I get it.” Vegas tapped herself upside the head. “You’re right, Pastor. I should have asked you first. I should have never taken it upon myself to just assume that you’d want to date somebody like Lance. I mean, even people who aren’t prejudiced still might have an issue dating outside of their race,” Vegas concluded.