The New Normal

by L. J. Hayward

  The thought of him hurting, of being hurt by James, spurred Andrew into action. He threw himself down the ladder so fast he nearly fell the last several feet.

  “James,” he bellowed. “Stop.”

  Ahead of him, James jerked to a halt, then spun around. “You’re out. No longer best man.”

  “What the hell? Why?” Andrew got up close and lowered his voice. “Because of me and Brian?”

  James tossed his head and stepped back, looking anywhere but at him. “Jesus Christ, you’re fucking him. You’re actually fucking him.”

  “You didn’t mind it the other day. Just because it’s Brian it’s suddenly disgusting?” Andrew kept his fists at his sides because the urge to throw them was real.

  “Do you know how much you hurt Elle? Do you even care?” James came back in tight, fist pressed into Andrew’s chest as if he too was barely resisting. “I held that woman for weeks. She was devastated when she left you. I comforted her after you wrecked her and she would never tell me why. Guess I know now.”

  James moved to turn and go again, but Andrew caught his arm. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “I always wondered if you cheated on Elle and that’s why she left you.”

  “I didn’t—”

  But James rambled right on without stopping. “It’s Brian, right? The guy you’ve liked for a long, long time. You and him have been fucking ever since, haven’t you?”

  “Jesus Christ, James, listen—”

  “That’s why Brian hasn’t had a girlfriend. Or you.” He jutted his chin over Andrew’s shoulder. “And you, lying to us like that. Making us all apologise for something that was true all along.”

  Andrew heard Brian’s gasp of shock clearly, knowing he must have been right behind him, hearing everything James was saying. He gave James a shove, putting space between them. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You need to shut the fuck up right now.”

  Teeth gritted, James ground out, “It’s true though. Brian’s gay, or not straight, or what the fuck ever, and him and you made us all feel bad for ever thinking it.”

  “What the fuck?” a new voice demanded.

  Andrew spun and found Troy a couple of feet behind Brian, who was curled in over his abdomen like he was in physical pain.

  Troy looked from Brian to Andrew, then to James. “What the fuck?” He didn’t look angry, thankfully, just wildly confused. “Brian? You are gay?”

  Usually the first to arc up in a confrontation, Brian didn’t answer. He just straightened and started walking away from them, towards the exit of the field. They had gathered a few spectators, though hopefully none of them were close enough to hear.

  “I can’t believe you, man,” James said, quieter but no less incensed.

  “James?” Mr. Rollins came towards them, still wearing the stupid tutu. “Everything all right, boys?”

  “Yeah,” James snapped, turning his back on Andrew. “Just rearranging the wedding party to get rid of the cheaters and liars.”

  “Just listen—” Andrew tried, but James walked away. His dad gave Andrew a frown, then went after his son. Troy was looking at him like he didn’t know him, then he too followed after James and Mr. Rollins.

  Andrew wanted to go after them, tell them what James wasn’t willing to hear, but his heart ached for Brian, to make sure he was okay first. He found his boyfriend out by the road, booking an Uber on his phone.

  “Brian?” Andrew went to his side. “Are you okay?”

  He shook his head and stared into the distance.

  Instinct to hold and protect drew Andrew’s arm up to circle his shoulders, but Brian moved away.

  “Don’t.”

  Andrew understood, but it hurt. James’s accusations were sitting like a burning coal under his breastbone and he wanted a safe place to let out the flames. Brian had been his safe place for so long, so steady and reliable, he didn’t have any others.

  The wait for the Uber was excruciating. The remains of the bachelor party piled into the vans and took off. Even after they were gone Brian wouldn’t let Andrew touch him. Finally, the Uber arrived, they got in and Andrew replied to the driver’s cheery chatting with single word answers.

  At home, Brian raced upstairs immediately, bypassing a meowing Archy aiming to mash his face into Brian’s legs. Andrew caught the cat and followed Brian.

  “You okay?” he asked as Brian turned into his bedroom.

  “No, I’m not fucking okay.” Brian’s voice was rough and wavering.

  Putting Archy down before his anger made him squeeze the cat too tight, Andrew muttered, “I’m going to kill James.”

  “Something you could have done half an hour ago.” Brian dragged his sports bag out of the cupboard, opened it on the bed, and started tossing work clothes into it without a care for folding.

  “What?” It was part angry “what did you say?” and part hurt “what are you doing?”

  Brian balled up a dress shirt and threw it into his bag hard. “Sorry,” he growled. “I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t your fault. James is just a colossal dickwad and I got outed against my will and I feel so fucking angry about that, but I’m angry at myself as well because I left you to face him on your own and it was my fight too but he accused me of lying and being a cheater and—”

  “Wait!” Andrew thrust a stop-right-there hand at Brian, still not sure if he was upset about what Brian was saying or what he was doing. “I’m the one he called a cheater, not you.”

  Brian dodged his hand and went to the drawers for underwear. “He might have pointed at you but he made it clear that he thinks I’m some fucking arsehole who’d sleep with a person already in a relationship with someone else!” His voice rose as he spoke so he ended on a shout that scared Archy and sent the cat scampering out of the room. “Should have told him.”

  Andrew shook his head, hoping some sense would magically appear. “Should have told him what?”

  Hands full of boxer-briefs, Brian paused over the bag and dragged in a deep breath. As he let it out in a long sigh, he put the undies in the bag. “That we weren’t sleeping together when you were with Elle.”

  “I tried.” Andrew sank to the bed, any anger he might have felt gone. Sad, hurting, confused. Guilty. That was what he was feeling right then. “I should have done more, but . . . but I think how I felt about you is why Elle broke up with me. She knew, or suspected I guess, so she left. All I could think when he said that was ‘he’s right.’ I hurt Elle because I wasn’t strong enough to admit what I was feeling.”

  Brian’s hand cupped his cheek and Andrew leaned into it desperately. “Do you still love her?”

  “Not the same way I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to James about you. I will. After he calms down a bit so there’s a chance he’ll listen.” Andrew turned his face into Brian’s palm and kissed it. “Don’t go. Please stay. I just . . . I need you tonight.”

  Suddenly, Brian was on his lap, straddling him. He caught Andrew’s face in his hands and kissed him. Hard, passionately, devouringly. Andrew’s arms went around him, holding him tight, close, needing Brian to know how important he was to him, how integral to his life. Not just as a lover, but as his best friend and foundation. Everything Andrew had ever built was because of Brian.

  “I love you,” Andrew gasped between kisses. “I love you.”

  Brian pulled back, breathing hard, blinking back tears. “I know.” And for the first time, he sounded like he absolutely believed it. He wasn’t just Han Solo-ing Andrew this time. “I know,” he repeated in seeming wonder. Then with a sharp shake of his head, he was off Andrew’s lap and back at the drawers, getting more clothes.

  “You’re still going?”

  “I have to.” Brian’s voice was soft but determined.

  Andrew grabbed his hand to stop him. “You don’t have to. Who gives a shit about James? If he’s going to suddenly get homophobic then we don’t need him.” He stood and pressed close to
Brian. “We were doing great before he found out. When it was just us.” Andrew slid an arm around his waist and nuzzled his neck. “We don’t need any of them. It can just be us again. Please.”

  Brian’s body vibrated against Andrew’s, as if caught between two conflicting forces. With a little moan, he pushed into Andrew’s embrace for a moment, then pulled away again. “The problem’s not James. Well, not just him. Like he’s a big part of it, but the rest of it is me.”

  All the air in Andrew’s lungs crystalized into shards of ice. He sank back to the bed in pain and shock. “What do you mean?” This was it. Brian had decided he couldn’t do this anymore. The moment Andrew had feared so many times in the past was finally here.

  More undies and socks were tossed into the bag. “I mean that everything that’s gone wrong is my fault. If I could only fucking decide what flag to march under in the parade, none of this would have happened. I should have just hardened up and come out with you at the Spit. We could’ve had this all over and done with back then, not a week out from the wedding.”

  It was a bit of a relief, but not much. Brian had done this so often in the past with exams and his rotations Andrew should have seen it coming. He worried until he panicked, then he started second guessing himself, convinced he could have done something different, something better, working himself up until he believed he’d failed spectacularly. When he got in these moods, no one could get through to him. Not even Andrew, but he had to try.

  “You didn’t know then and you don’t know now, so no, you made the right decision back then.”

  “What does it matter anymore, anyway? They all think I’m gay and lied about it.”

  “It matters. Remember you’re the only who gets to say what—”

  “But I can’t!” Brian zipped up his bag aggressively. “That’s the whole problem. I still don’t know what I am and now it’s worse in my head because no one is going to understand how I can’t know that but let you fuck me anyway. I wish it were as easy as they all seem to think it is. Love sucking dick and going down on a girl? You’re bi! Need some dude drilling your prostate to get off? You’re gay! I want it to be that simple but it’s not for me and no one else is going understand that.”

  “They might.” Andrew knew he wasn’t going to be heard, but added regardless, “I do.”

  “And you know what else?” Brian steamrolled right past his comment. “I don’t get to choose to come out to my friends anymore. James took that away from me and I’m fucking furious at him for that.”

  “You have every right—” Andrew began.

  “I reckon James and Troy are talking right now about what a fucking liar I am. I made a big show of being upset and getting apologies when they said I was gay and look! They were right and I was lying through my fucking teeth the entire time.”

  Andrew waited a moment to see if this was just a pause for air or because the words had officially run out. Feeling like it was the latter, he said, “I’ll tell them the truth.”

  Brian snorted. “Like you told James today. Like you told Sheridan exactly what you thought of him.” He spun to face Andrew the moment the words were out of his mouth, eyes wide and shaking his head. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

  Stomach churning, Andrew got up and walked out of the room.

  Is that what Brian really thought? That Andrew couldn’t—wouldn’t—stand up for those he loved, or himself? He didn’t like confrontation but that didn’t mean he just rolled over.

  He was in the kitchen, leaning on the counter, head in his hands, when Brian came downstairs. The packed bag thunked to the floor by the front door.

  “I really am sorry,” Brian said softly. “You know how I get when I’m upset. Word vomit doesn’t even start to cover it.”

  Andrew could only grunt in acknowledgement.

  “See!” Brian’s tone became imploring. “That’s why I’m going. I’m only hurting you right now. Everything’s all messed up in my head and I need to sort it out before I keep putting my dumb feet in my stupid mouth.”

  “Okay.” It barely more intelligible than the grunt.

  “Okay,” Brian echoed faintly. Then, firmer, “I messaged Michael. He’s coming to get me. I’m leaving you the Jag so you can keep getting to work. I switch off Michael’s shifts again next week but I can Uber and I need to know you’re not going to get stuck anywhere because I . . .” After a moment, Brian said, “I heard you before. When you said you understand about me not knowing my sexuality. I know you do and I . . . I think that’s part of my problem.”

  Andrew finally raised his head. His eyes were blurry from tears and the darkness behind his hands. “What do you mean?”

  Brian stood by the front door, angled so he could see Andrew in the kitchen as well as the driveway. His bags were at his feet, arms wrapped around his waist, and there was paint smeared across his shirt and neck. “You accept it. Accept me, with no doubts or questions. I think that’s why I can’t figure out what I am because when I’m with you, it doesn’t matter. You make it so easy for me to do whatever I want without me understanding why I want it. I can’t just keep pretending it doesn’t matter now. James made sure of that. That’s why I have to go. I need to not be around you to work this out.”

  It sounded fair but Andrew didn’t want fair right then. He wanted Brian. He maybe even wanted to hit James, just a little bit. “How long will you be gone?”

  “Don’t know.”

  Andrew hesitated, then asked the question he had been dreading hearing the answer to for ages. “What if you decide this”—he gestured between them—“was just curiosity or something?”

  Brian didn’t instantly deny it and Andrew’s heart broke.

  “I guess we’ll deal with that, if it happens,” Brian murmured eventually.

  Michael arrived ten minutes later and helped Brian stow his gear in the back of his 4WD. “We’ll take good care of him,” he assured Andrew, then they were gone.

  Andrew knew he wasn’t going to be good for much that night so he got Archy his dinner early, then started drinking. He kept his phone next to his hand, waiting for someone, anyone, to message or call. No one did.

  He went to bed drunk and alone for the first time in long enough that it felt wrong. So he went into Brian’s room and crawled between sheets that hadn’t been touched in weeks. Archy jumped up and barged his way under the covers and curled up between Andrew’s feet.

  When the phone rang, he lurched awake, only then realising he’d fallen asleep. His phone was on the pillow next to his head and glowing so bright his dark-adjusted eyes couldn’t read anything on the screen. Sliding his thumb over it, he said, desperately, “Brian?”

  “No, your sister. Are you okay?”

  Andrew groaned and rolled onto his face. “What fucking time is it?”

  “It’s eleven p.m. here in Perth, so it’s one a.m. there,” Simone informed him.

  “Why are you in Perth?”

  “Long story involving a whale shark. That doesn’t matter right now. I got this very vague message from Elle that I should check on you. What’s wrong?”

  Because he was half asleep and still a bit intoxicated, Andrew told her everything. Simone was quiet, only prompting when he faded which was usually him letting the phone slip. When he was done, he shut up and waited.

  “You’re bisexual.” She sounded pensive, not horrified—which he’d been pretty sure she wouldn’t be—or disbelieving.

  “Yeah. Bother you?”

  “No. And you’re in love with Brian?” This time she sounded a bit off.

  “Yeah. Bother you?” he asked boldly, all his shits used up for the day.

  After a long moment, there was a sigh. “No. No, of course not. You two are perfect for each other. And you’re together now?”

  Andrew laughed, short and harsh. “I hope so. James’s fuckery today made him question everything, including being with me. He’s gone to a friend’s place to sort himself out.”

  “Andrew,”
his sister said softly, sympathetically. “I was coming in on Thursday for the wedding. I’ll see if I can get there sooner, okay?”

  “You’re still invited?”

  “So far. Don’t know if I want to go if James continues to be a raving idiot, though. Have you told mum and dad about you?”

  “No. Do you think they’ll hate me?”

  “You’re mum’s baby. She’d never hate you. As for dad, could be touch and go. Though I think as long as it’s not ‘I have cancer’ again, he’ll probably be all right with it.”

  “I guess,” Andrew muttered, though he hoped his dad wouldn’t see him being with another man as the lesser of two evils.

  Simone sighed. “Whatever happens, you got me. And I don’t think Brian would ever leave you, so don’t worry.”

  She said goodbye and Andrew burrowed back into the pillow. Hopefully Simone was right and Brian wasn’t gone for good.

  When he woke up again, Archy was batting his face with a paw and meowing. There was also banging on the front door.

  Half hoping Brian had forgotten his keys, Andrew tucked the cat under his arm and took the stairs down two and three at a time. Snatching up his keys, he unlocked the front door and threw it open. On the other side of the security screen was not Brian, but a tear-stained and red-eyed Elle, a bag at her feet.

  Andrew opened the screen and she threw herself into his arms.

  “Ella Bella? What’s wrong?”

  “The wedding’s off.”

  Brian didn’t get much thinking done the first day with Michael and his family. JC—or, as his mother called him when all three names were required, Joseph Connor O’Grady—Michael’s young son, was too fascinated with the new person to leave Brian alone for long. He even woke up on Monday morning with the kid sitting on the bed staring at him.

  “Are you my new uncle?” JC asked.

  Blinking, Brian mumbled, “What?”

  “Uncle Con brings me new uncles sometimes. Are you the new one?”

  “Um, no.”

  JC frowned. “Are you sure?”

  “Pretty sure. Shouldn’t you still be in bed?”

  “I have a big boy bed. I can get out whenever I want. Do you want to play Legos with me?”