The New Normal

by L. J. Hayward

  “Hey, there’s the rascal.” Michael stepped into the room and scooped up JC, who giggled as he was tucked under an arm. “Did he wake you?”

  “Alarm went off, so no.”

  Michael leaned against the doorframe. “If you don’t feel up for work, call in sick. If you’re distracted you won’t do the patients or yourself any good.”

  Brian hadn’t told Michael everything that had happened. Just that there had been an upset with friends and Brian needed some time separate from it and them. It had been painful when he realised he had no one outside of Andrew, James, Elle and the twins that he could turn to right then. However, his new friend had readily agreed to him staying with them, his wife chiming in to welcome him, claiming she wanted to meet the amazing young doctor Michael had told her all about. Teresa had definitely made him feel welcome, as had JC, and Brian had almost burst into tears in gratitude.

  “I think I will do that,” he said softly. “I’m pretty much a mess right now.”

  Setting JC down, Michael swatted his little butt gently. “Go get your mum out of bed or she’ll be late too.” When they were alone, Michael asked, “Is there anything you need? Anything you want to talk about?”

  Certain Michael would listen objectively and undoubtedly have something to offer while being supportive, Brian shook his head. “Thanks, but I think I need to do some soul searching first.”

  Soul searching took the form of helping a four—“I’m nearly five!”—year-old with his breakfast and then detaching said nearly-five-year-old from his leg over and over while explaining that Brian wasn’t his new uncle and that JC still had to go to kindy. Teresa finally got a pouting boy into his car seat and headed off. Leaving Brian alone. Which was what he wanted.

  Except now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. If he was brutally honest, he really just wanted to go home and kiss Andrew and forget everything else. But that was impossible now. Every time he tried to sleep, all he could see was the utter betrayal on Troy’s face and hear the painfully accusatory, “You are gay?” on repeat. And it was a question he couldn’t answer.

  He also didn’t know just how he was going to sort himself out.

  Brian moped and got frustrated, then tired, then angry, and finally, desperate. Sean answered on the second ring.

  “Hey, ladybug. Sorry to hear you’re sick.”

  The teasing name made him smile. A teeny, tiny bit. “Thanks. Um, I’m not really sick, though.”

  Sean’s voice got low and secretive. “Ooh. I won’t tell anyone. Mental health day?”

  “Sort of. I think I need to talk to someone about . . . stuff. Are you free tonight?”

  “Shit, I’m sorry. The fiancé is taking me out to dinner for our anniversary. First time we banged. I’m free tomorrow. Is that okay or too late?”

  “It’s fine.” They organised to meet at a coffee shop after Sean finished work, which was thankfully just after lunch.

  Speaking with Sean had reminded him about the other advice the guy had given him and Brian thought maybe following it on his own, without Andrew, might answer some questions.

  In the locked up house, in the spare bedroom with the door closed, Brian watched gay porn.

  He’d loved watching it with Andrew, laughing as Andrew initially blushed and pretended to not be as affected as he really was. It was even better when Andrew got into it and transferred those hot and heavy hands to Brian, or when he got so worked up he would beg Brian to touch him, suck him, kiss him. Brian had gotten off on it, too, his dick responding to the vision of generally very fit men being aroused and the obvious pleasure they experienced with another man. But Brian had to wonder if he’d really been reacting to that because it called to something inside him, or because it meant Andrew would get so horny he did to Brian whatever Brian wanted. He hoped watching it on his own would answer that question.

  Starting one of their favourite videos, Brian clasped his hands behind his head and watched as the guys chatted before getting down to it. It was a professional shoot, which Sean had warned them away from, but the chemistry between the men had caught Brian’s eye the moment it started so they’d kept watching. The guys were into each other. As they talked about what they liked about the other man, it was clear in the way they looked at each other, and when they kissed and touched, it was like they couldn’t get enough of it. That had turned Brian on well before the pants came off and dicks came into play. The same happened now and Brian’s body responded to the visible chemistry between them. He palmed his cock as shirts came off and felt a definite kick in his own flesh at the sight of firm pecs, defined abs and the way they so very clearly connected. By the time they were naked and dicks were in mouths, Brian was hard and unfastening his jeans to get his hand directly on himself. The guys on the screen lasted longer than Brian did and he spent the final ten minutes of their video panting and cleaning himself up.

  Despite the evidence staining his shirt, Brian still wasn’t sure it answered anything. He had thought about Andrew while watching and wanking. Thought about how when they’d first watched it together Andrew had absolutely devoured Brian afterwards, sucking and kissing and licking and holding their cocks together as they thrust into his hand.

  Flicking through more clips, Brian settled on one he and Andrew had never watched. Two young guys, not ripped like the professionals, and already into it when the footage started. And Brian got hot and restless the moment he saw them looking into each other’s eyes as they fucked. They meant something to each other, something more than physical. The sex was erotic not because they had hot bodies or could fuck in interesting positions, but because they were there for each other, not just getting off.

  To round out his options, Brian found a hetero scene between a real couple. He only got a semi and didn’t come, but nothing in the video wasn’t to his liking—and his appreciation had only increased now he paid close attention to the guy as well as the woman.

  Tired after two orgasms and a big life realisation, Brian wiped his browser history, showered and crawled back into bed. He slept deeply until Teresa and JC came home and he went out to keep the kid occupied while Teresa did some stuff around the house.

  Carly messaged him the next morning. ‘Are you okay?’

  It took Brian a long time to decide if he wanted to answer and finally sent, ‘I’m fine.’ He wanted to ask what was happening with James, Troy, and Elle, but didn’t want to at the same time. After ten or so minutes, Carly replied.

  ‘I’m glad. Let me know if you need anything.’ A couple of minutes after that, ‘I miss you.’

  ‘Miss you too,’ he sent back without hesitation. Brian and Carly had always been close and the fact she wasn’t freezing him out entirely eased some of the ache in his heart.

  ‘Do you want to talk?’

  Yes. God, yes, he wanted to talk, but at the same time, couldn’t. Not to Carly, not to any of them. Not yet.

  ‘Thanks,’ he sent. ‘Can’t talk about it yet. I’ll let you know.’

  It was several minutes before she responded. ‘I’m here for you. You probably don’t want to know but Troy feels rotten. He’s not talking to James, barely talks to me. The wedding’s off. I hate that we’re all hurting and broken.’

  Brian tried to tell himself that she didn’t mean it that way, but her message was a knife in his stomach. She wasn’t blaming him for the wedding being cancelled or her twin’s distress. For breaking them all apart. She wasn’t, he knew that in his head, but he still felt in his chest as if she were. So he let Carly’s next couple of messages go unanswered and she stopped sending them.

  That afternoon, he got an Uber to Southport and met Sean at a vegan café.

  “You’re vegan?” Brian asked.

  “No.” Sean pulled a face. “A friend works here, that’s all. I get a discount on their coffee.”

  Coffees and a couple of cookies each in hand, they sat at a corner table, tucked away from most of the other customers.

  “You so
unded a bit desperate yesterday. What’s up?” Sean asked softly.

  Fortified by a sip of surprisingly good coffee, Brian told him everything. Sean was suitably furious about him being outed.

  “Oh, ladybug.” Sean squeezed Brian’s hand. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. The whole process is traumatic enough, even doing it on your own terms in a safe place.”

  “I was so proud of Andrew when he came out to our friends. We knew, mostly, that it was going to be okay, but he was still scared. He did it, though, and I thought ‘I’m going to be that brave one day.’ And now . . .” He dropped his head onto the table. “I don’t even know what to come out as. I wanted to wait until I know if I’m bi or gay, or whatever. Can’t do that now and I want to be able to tell them what I am when I go back and rip them all new ones for what happened.”

  “I love that idea.” Sean stroked the back of his head. “I get why it’s important for you to decide on a specific label and I’m here to help, but you know it’s not one hundred percent required in order to live a happy life, don’t you?”

  Brian nodded, but that only rolled his forehead across the cool tabletop, so he sat up. “Yes. And believe me, I’ve been incredibly happy and willing to do that up to now. Andrew’s been patient and amazing and I know he doesn’t care. But I want to be able to go out with him properly, you know? We went on a date a couple of weeks back and it was no different to when we went out to dinner before, except that it was. Before, we were just friends eating together. That time, we were two people in love and I felt different and I wanted everyone around us to know it was different and I just said I love him and I didn’t mean to. I haven’t even told him yet. I was going to after the bach party, but then . . .”

  Apart from the twist of anxiety that he’d just blurted that out to Sean and not Andrew, it was also a weight off Brian’s chest. He did love Andrew, but as Andrew had said, it had taken a while to realise it because it had simply always been there.

  Sean looked like he was about to burst into song, but he pressed a hand to his mouth until he calmed down. “That was lovely. And yeah, it should have been in front of Andrew not me, but it’s okay. You don’t only get to say it once, you know.”

  Wishing for a blanket to hide under, Brian sighed. “I know. I just hope he still wants to hear it when I go crawling back to him.”

  “He will, ladybug. I know he will.” Sean titled his head and studied him for a moment. “You said you’ve been in two fairly longish relationships with women, but don’t think you ever loved them. Why did you stay with them for so long?”

  “I really liked spending time with them. We got on really well, had loads of fun, liked the same things. And, well, the sex was good.”

  “Sooo, friends with benefits, basically.”

  Which was, apparently, what Elle had said. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “But you love Andrew.”

  “Yes.” Brian was counting up the number of times he said it to Sean so he could make sure he said it more times to Andrew when he saw him again. “For longer than we’ve been sexing each other.”

  Sean rolled his eyes. “You’re so romantic. But that’s sort of my point.”

  “You mean I’m only romantic with Andrew, not Simone or Lena.” Brian frowned. “I’m homoromantic?” He’d enjoyed his gender and sexuality class at uni and was grateful now for the extra reading he’d done.

  “If that feels right for you.” Sean smiled like a proud parent.

  “Homoromantic,” Brian said, to try it out again. It did feel right. “This is good. I feel better already.”

  “Marvellous. So, sexuality. What are your thoughts?”

  This was the big thing, the one Brian had been dragging his feet about for so long, he felt like a dick now for not exploring it properly sooner. His solo porn experiment the day before had definitely helped, showing him that he was intensely turned on by the idea of two guys fucking, and that he was still attracted to women physically. Accepting that he was more homoromantic than heteroromantic answered a lot of his doubts as well.

  “Bi.” There was no hesitation, no wondering if it was just the easy answer, a catchall explanation. “I’m still attracted to women but I’m so very and undeniably hot for Andrew it gets embarrassing, even in public places. I’m not sure about men in general, though.” Lowering his voice, he explained. “I watched some gay porn on my own yesterday and got off to both videos, but I don’t know if it’s because I liked what I was seeing, or because of how much I love it when Andrew and I do that stuff together.”

  “I get that. Porn is better when you can relate to it with a personal experience. Being with Andrew doesn’t make you more gay than bi, either. Just remember that. And it’s not like anyone is chiselling this in stone. You may learn more about who you’re attracted to as you get older and it might change your perspective. If you need an emotional connection to the person before you feel attracted to them, you’re probably a bit demi as well.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, maybe that. Probably that, too.”

  “See, it’s never one or the other. It’s shades of grey. Which, sure, makes coming out harder. It’s one thing to say hey, I’m bi, and another thing entirely to say hey, I’m bi and demi and homoromantic. If your family is anything like mine, you’d have to go in armed with Wikipedia, charts and a power-point just to explain bi.”

  Laughing, Brian said, “I think I’ll stick with bi for everyone else and explain it all to Andrew in private.”

  “Show it all to Andrew in private.” Sean wink-wink-nudge-nudged.

  They finished their drinks and cookies while they discussed a few other areas of sexuality. When they walked out of the café, Brian felt a thousand times more confident and settled.

  “How are you getting home?” Sean asked as Brian pulled out his phone to get an Uber.

  Brian showed him the app he was about to open when his phone buzzed with an incoming call. The number wasn’t one he knew.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “Is this Brian Stagliano?” a woman calmly asked.

  “Yes. Who’s this?”

  “Hi, I’m Marie. I work with McGregor Construction and we have you down as Andrew Fitzroy’s emergency contact. Is that correct?”

  Brian’s stomach dropped and his knees buckled. Vaguely aware of Sean catching him, Brian whispered, “Yeah, that’s right. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m very sorry to inform you, Mr. Stagliano, but Andrew’s been involved in an accident. He’s on his way to the uni hospital by ambulance right now.”

  Elle wasn’t very coherent most of Sunday, babbling about how James was being a dickhead and wouldn’t listen to reason. There was something about James saying she was still in love with Andrew and that, he guessed, was what sparked her into telling James the wedding was off. He let her cry herself out in his arms, put her to bed in Brian’s room and messaged Carly to let her know where Elle was. He didn’t think him telling James would go down too well, considering everything else.

  Monday he called in sick and coaxed Elle out of bed and downstairs with a full cooked breakfast. She packed away the bacon, sausage and eggs, muttering around a full mouth about how she didn’t have to fit into the extra slinky wedding dress anymore.

  “I know you weren’t cheating on me,” Elle said when the food was pretty much all gone. “I tried to tell James that but he didn’t want to listen. You know how he gets when he decides something. He’s a stubborn arsehole.”

  Andrew sighed. “Maybe he was right. Emotionally.”

  Elle threw the end of a sausage at his head. “Pfft. I don’t think either of us were wholly emotionally committed to each other towards the end.” Her voice wavered, however.

  Ever the keen hunter, Archy pounced on the bit of meat when Andrew missed catching it. Too tired to wrestle the processed food away from the cat, Andrew said, “I did love you. Still do, just not romantically.”

  “Ditto. And James knows that. Which is not necessarily a good thing. Between t
hat and all the shit with my family and the pastor and everything else that’s gone wrong with the planning . . .” She sighed. “Things have been strained between us lately.”

  “Yeah, I figured. But not enough to end it all, right?” Andrew almost didn’t want to hear the answer. So many of his decisions that had led to this point had been made because of his envy of Elle and James’s bliss. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe happy couples never broke up, but he'd wanted what they had for so long, it was hard to think it might be over.

  Elle shook her head, then shrugged, then shook her head firmer. “No. Not over. I love him so much. It’s just that he’s being such an unbelievable dick right now.”

  “Not going to argue with you about that.” Andrew hadn’t meant to sound bitter, but it happened all the same.

  “Tell me exactly what happened on Saturday. James wasn’t very clear and Troy’s gone mute. He won’t speak to James, barely talks to me or Carly. She’s worried about him.”

  Really not wanting to revisit the whole thing, Andrew told her anyway. If anyone was going to be able to look at it with a level head, it was Elle.

  “So, you and Brian are together?” she asked gently when he was done.

  “I hope so. We were, but after Saturday, it’s a bit doubtful.” He wouldn’t tell her why. That was Brian’s prerogative.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. I don’t know if it’s anyone’s fault.” He shrugged. “Well, I’m pretty happy blaming James for a few things.”

  “I don’t know. You could have tried keeping your hands off Brian’s arse for a couple of hours. Especially if you didn’t want anyone to know.” For the first time, there was a hint of reproach in Elle’s tone.

  “I know. But have you ever felt his arse? It’s hard to resist.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “Sorry. Yes, I shouldn’t have got carried away.” Andrew started gathering up the breakfast dishes. “When should I talk to James?” He was still pissed and didn’t really want to deal with James any time soon, but he couldn’t stop replaying Brian’s thoughtless words about him not fighting for them, or himself. Angry or not, he didn’t want to get into a yelling match or anything physical with James, but maybe Brian was right. Maybe it was time Andrew spoke up.