Beautifully Broken Control (The Sutter Lake Series Book 4)

by Catherine Cowles

  “Okay, Cain. We don’t have to talk about it. But I want you to give yourself some credit. Whether or not you decide to pursue Kennedy, you care about her. She triggers those protective instincts in you, but you haven’t gone overboard. It’s fine, healthy even, to want to make sure she’s safe.”

  “Okay, Doc.”

  Murphy sighed. “It’s all right to let yourself care for someone, Cain.”

  “I know.” And I did. In theory. It was the practice part I struggled with. Because the second I thought about kissing Kennedy, I imagined how it would feel to lose her. The problem was, I didn’t think I was strong enough to walk away and let someone else have her either. It was a purgatory of my own making.

  I cleared my throat as I pulled into a parking spot outside the community center. “I have to go. I’m at the shelter. I just wanted to check in real quick.”

  “I’m glad you did. Keep calling, okay?”

  “Will do.” I hit end on the call and climbed out of my SUV. The air was warm, the seasons’ turn to early summer officially upon us. I needed to get a boat. The lake was calling me. I pushed open the door to the community center and came face-to-face with Anna.

  “What’s going on with Kenz?”

  “What do you mean?” Worry pricked at my skin as though it were suddenly too tight for my body. “Is she okay?”

  I started to head towards the rec room and kitchen, but Anna took hold of my arm. “Cool it, cowboy. Nothing is wrong.” Her face scrunched. “But something is wrong. You get what I mean?”

  The tension running through my body eased a bit. I did get it. Kennedy had come face-to-face with her past last night. Of course, it was messing with her head. “It’s not my story to tell. But she’ll be okay.”

  Anna’s eyes narrowed at me. “Spill.”

  “I can’t. I’m not going to betray her trust that way, not even to you.”

  Anna let out what almost sounded like a growl. “Fine. Tell me what to do then.”

  I couldn’t help the smile that tipped my lips. I was so glad Kennedy had this kind of friend in her life. “Just be there for her. But act normal. I’m hoping she’ll open up on her own time and not because we forced her.” But I knew I could only go along with that plan for so long. Soon, I’d have to start some gentle pushing.

  “All right.” She turned and headed towards the rec room. “Hurry up, pretty boy. I got potatoes that aren’t going to peel themselves.”

  I chuckled and followed behind her. That laugh died on my lips as I saw Kennedy talking with Doug. He was close. Too close. I strode towards them. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

  Doug dropped his hold on Kennedy’s arm. “We were just chatting about the Portland ballet.”

  My jaw clenched. “Didn’t she already tell you she didn’t want to go?”

  “Cain!” Kennedy’s outrage was clear in her tone, but I didn’t give a fuck.

  Doug cleared his throat as his face reddened. “Actually, she said she was too busy to attend Swan Lake, but we were discussing shows later in the season.”

  “She’s not interested, buddy. Get a clue.”

  “God, you’re an asshole. Kennedy, we’ll talk later when he’s not around.” And with that, Doug turned and headed for his office. What a catch.

  “What the hell is your problem, Cain? That was cruel.” The anger had Kennedy’s eyes blazing with green fire.

  “Am I wrong? Do you want to go on a date with him?”

  “That’s not the point, nor is it your business.”

  “I’ll take that as a no. I was just saving you the awkward dance for the next three months.”

  Kennedy’s spine straightened as she rose to her full height. “Maybe I did want to say yes. At least if Doug leaned in like he was going to kiss me, he’d finish the job and not run away like a scared child.” With that parting shot, she headed for the kitchen.

  Well, shit.

  23

  Kennedy

  His lips were just out of reach, his hands stopping a breath away from my skin. I panted. Strained. But I couldn’t move. Couldn’t reach him. My alarm sounded.

  I jolted up in bed, out of breath as if I’d just sprinted around the block. I pushed the hair back from my face as I hit my alarm. Shit.

  I couldn’t escape Cain, even in my dreams. He’d avoided me the rest of the night at Hope House, opting to help with the kids instead of in the kitchen. That didn’t mean he wasn’t haunting me, though. I’d had to watch as he played beauty parlor with three girls as we’d served dessert. He’d even let them try to put little braids in his hair.

  I rubbed my hands over my face. Cain had a good heart, but he could also drive me crazy. What did he want from me? I blew out a breath, sending my hair fluttering around my face. I wasn’t going to find out today. Or maybe ever. And I needed to focus on the important things.

  Like telling Jensen the truth. It was time. Just the thought had my stomach roiling. I reached over and scratched between Chuck’s ears. “We’ll be okay. No matter what happens, we’ll be okay.”

  I repeated that over and over as I got ready, hoping the repetition would help me to believe it. But I’d lied to Jensen, and a lie of omission wasn’t any better than an outright one. I bit my bottom lip as my gaze traveled over the studio apartment I’d made my home. I had no idea where Chuck and I would go if Jensen kicked us out. I didn’t exactly have money saved up for a security deposit. No prospects for another job. And it wasn’t like Seraphina would hire me on full-time.

  “One thing at a time.” I armed my security system, locked the door, and headed downstairs. I got the water going in a kettle and set out two mugs. The familiar routine helped. Grounded me.

  Sounds of the lock at the back door coming unlatched met my ears. “Morning, Kenz.”

  My palms went damp the second I heard Jensen’s words. “Morning.” My voice cracked on the second syllable.

  I stayed focused on the tea. Tea I could handle. “Honey?”

  “You know it.” The sounds of Jensen putting away her belongings and washing her hands filled the kitchen. I still didn’t look her way. I simply set the mug next to the sink and hurried back to my own cup. I took my time pouring the honey first, then added just a dash of almond milk.

  “Soooooo…” Jensen let the word drag out. “Is there a reason you’re quiet as a mouse this morning? Wait! Did you sleep with Cain?”

  I choked on the sip of tea I’d just taken, spluttering and coughing as J patted my back. She filled a glass of water and handed it to me. “Shit, sorry.” Her lips tipped up. “I can’t tell if that’s a yes or a no.”

  “It’s a no. A definite no.” I wheezed out the words.

  Two little lines appeared in Jensen’s brow. “Then why so quiet? Everything okay?”

  This was it. The perfect moment. But how did I start? How did one explain that you had been involved in stealing the livelihoods of hundreds of people? If even indirectly. That you had destroyed families? You’re a murderer! The words of that woman echoed in my head.

  I closed my eyes and gave my head a little shake, trying to flick the memory free, get the words out. It never worked, but I tried just the same. “I saw my brother when I was in Portland.”

  Jensen leaned a hip against the counter. “I didn’t even know you had a brother.”

  I looked up and met Jensen’s gaze; it was kind and cautious as though she knew whatever I had to say would be hard for me. “He probably wishes that I didn’t.”

  “Want to tell me why?”

  I rolled my lips together, biting down on the bottom one, and then I nodded. “I haven’t told you everything about me. About my past. Some important things.”

  Jensen reached out, laying her hand over mine on the counter, squeezing it gently and then releasing. “I don’t think it was a requirement of the job or my friendship that you reveal every detail of your past.” She paused, giving me a gentle smile. “I would’ve asked a lot more questions in the interview.”

  I wante
d to smile. Tried to get my lips to mirror Jensen’s movement, but they wouldn’t obey. “I changed my last name. For most of my life, it was Barrington, not Charles.” I took in a slow breath, somehow hoping the air would steel me. “My father is Davis Barrington.”

  Jensen’s brow furrowed. “The name sounds vaguely familiar.”

  I twisted my hands in front of me, locking them together so tightly, they began to tingle. “Ponzi scheme.”

  J’s eyes widened. “Oh, Kenz.” There wasn’t judgment in her voice. No disgust or even mistrust. Only sympathy. “I think I remember most of the story. You helped the FBI, right?”

  I nodded. “I got a confession for them.” I began unloading, unpacking my past and laying it bare before her. I told her about Preston, what a wonderful brother he’d been, and the night it all changed.

  I told her about all the extravagances of growing up in the Barrington household. The things I hated and the stuff I loved. I told her about my father and how I never would’ve thought his betrayal possible until the moment I saw the proof in front of me. In that moment, everything had clicked into place, and I’d wondered how I hadn’t seen it sooner.

  But maybe I hadn’t wanted to. Perhaps I had been happy hiding my head in the sand because I got all the ballet lessons, the custom pointe shoes, and the nicest leotards. Along with the swankiest vacations, and the best schools. Maybe I’d been lying to myself all along.

  “Kenz.” I was jolted back to the present moment by Jensen’s voice. “You don’t blame yourself, do you? None of this was your fault.”

  Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes. “I might not have stolen the money outright. But I lived off it. For over twenty years, I lived on the stolen lives of others. Do you know how that feels to know that? To know that people died because I got ballet lessons, and trips to St. Barts, and as many shoes as I wanted?”

  It was the first time I’d said the words out loud, the ugly truth of them. Four people had died, taken their own lives because my family had wanted more. How did I live with that?

  Jensen pulled me into a hard hug and didn’t let go even though I remained stiff in her arms. “I can’t imagine what that feels like, and it makes me want to kick your father in the balls for putting you in that position. But it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know.”

  I understood on a logical level, but it didn’t change how I felt. It was as if the destruction my family had wrought had seeped into my bones, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to get it out. “I can’t change how I feel,” I whispered into Jensen’s shoulder.

  She rubbed soothing circles on my back. “I know. But, one day, it will change. Life is a cycle. It ebbs and flows.” She seemed to trace that cycle along my back, pushing her fingers into peaks and valleys as she kept moving them in a circle. “There are moments that are so hard, you’ll think they’ve broken you, and you’ll never recover. But it’s those moments that make you appreciate the goodness, the sweetness, something so beautiful it will almost seem painful to take it all in.”

  Jensen slowed her hand’s path, pausing, pressing her fingertips into my shoulder. “But there’s one thing I know for sure. The kind of guilt you’ve been feeling, it’s nothing but a lie. As women, we take so much on. It’s one of our gifts, to feel what others do, and deeply. It’s a gift to be able to sit in those emotions with another, to hold it with them. To feel what others experience and have it spur you to make changes in the world. I see that in you. But you can’t take it all on. You have to let it pass through you. Kennedy, you can’t hold the pain of the whole world. You’ll drown under the weight.

  “Your father stole your choice from you. He didn’t allow you or the rest of your family to decide whether you were okay with living off stolen money. I know what your choice would’ve been. There is no doubt in my mind. You are a good person, one of the best. And one day, you’ll believe that, too. But until you do, I’ll be here to remind you.”

  I let out a little sniffle as she released me. “So, you’re not firing me?”

  Jensen let out a bark of laughter. “If I didn’t fire you the first three times you almost set my kitchen on fire, I’m not going to fire you because your father’s an asshole.” She paused, her mouth quirking. “The fact that you had no idea what you were doing in the kitchen makes a little more sense now.”

  A laugh of my own escaped me. “I wasn’t really allowed in the kitchen at home. When I went to college, my roommate had to show me how to make Easy Mac. She thought I was an alien.”

  Jensen wrapped an arm around me. The feel of it was better than anything I’d ever experienced before. Warmth, comfort, and affection, all given freely, even after I’d told her the ugly truth. All of it. “It’s going to be okay.”

  I nodded. “You can tell Walker and Tuck. Your parents. I don’t want to live with this secret hanging over my head anymore, but I don’t know that I have the energy to go through it another half-dozen times.”

  J turned to face me. “Are you sure? This is no one’s business but yours.”

  I squeezed her hand. “I don’t want to feel like I’m living a lie. I don’t want to wonder if people want to be my friend or not if they knew the truth. I don’t want that weight.”

  “I get that. But if anyone doesn’t want you in their life because of something your father did, then they deserve a swift kick where the sun don’t shine.”

  I grinned at Jensen. “You’ll never know how often I thank my lucky stars I landed in Sutter Lake, in your tea shop. That you took a chance on me. Thank you.”

  Jensen’s eyes began to water, and she shook a finger at me. “Oh no, you don’t. You are not going to make me cry, you evil woman.”

  I chuckled. “It’s just that emotional ebb and flow you were talking about.”

  She shoved at my shoulder. “That’s what I get for sharing my Zen wisdom with you. You throw it back in my face.”

  We spent the rest of the morning laughing as we prepped. We didn’t venture into serious terrain at all, just enjoyed the simple pleasure of each other’s company. It was perfect.

  I arched a foot, wincing just a bit as I slipped it back into my sneaker. The new pointe shoes I’d gotten were murdering my feet. There wasn’t a ton I missed from my old life, but my fancy pointe shoes were one. They had been so much easier to break in.

  At least, I had new ones. I was no longer at risk of twisting an ankle or splitting a toenail because I was dancing on dead shoes. That was enough to be grateful for.

  I yawned as I placed my dance bag in the basket on my bike. The day had taken more out of me than I’d realized. Mostly the talk with Jensen. I didn’t think I’d ever felt this light, even before I’d realized I was living a nightmare. But I was spent. The worry and anxiety of how the conversation would go, having to talk through it all, it had used up all my reserves.

  “Just a few hours at the shelter. You can do it.” I threw a leg over my bike. I’d get a burst of energy as soon as I saw Anna and Lizzie. And Cain. A little voice in my head whispered the last part. I promptly ignored that voice.

  I headed away from the dance studio and towards the community center. The air was so warm, I didn’t even need a long-sleeve shirt. Summer was officially here, and I’d finally get to fully enjoy the lake for which the town had been named. Jensen had already told me we’d go out tubing on her family’s boat, and I couldn’t wait.

  I turned and headed down the familiar hill, the wind picking up my hair and swirling it behind me. I squeezed the brakes to slow my speed a touch, but there was no resistance. I pressed harder. Nothing.

  My heart hammered against my ribs as I scanned the sidewalk in front of me. The bottom of the hill was fast approaching, and there were only two options: fly into traffic or send myself into an empty lot of gravel, dirt, and weeds.

  I tried the brakes again, squeezing as hard as I could. There wasn’t even the slightest catch. I turned the handlebars, doing my best to aim for the empty lot. The second my tire hit the gravel, it
skidded, and I was airborne. Everything was a blur. A kaleidoscope of colors that ended in shuddering pain and then nothing but darkness.

  24

  Cain

  I navigated the country roads, heading towards the community center. I shouldn’t even be going. I’d made even less progress on the program today than I had yesterday. What I should be doing is picking up a six-pack of energy drinks and pulling an all-nighter. Sometimes, that was just what it took. The slightly manic feel the lack of sleep brought on occasionally meant a breakthrough.

  But I wasn’t doing what I should. This program could cement my company’s future, and still, I was driving to Hope House. To Kennedy. The pull of her was almost impossible to understand. She snuck up like a damn riptide. The tug was gentle at first, but before long, I couldn’t break away, no matter how hard I tried.

  I rolled to a four-way stop just around the corner from the community center. A flash of color caught my attention, and I saw someone flying down the hill opposite me. Not just someone, Kennedy. And she was going way too fast. What the hell was wrong with her?

  Her head jerked in panicked movements, taking in everything around her. Could she not stop? Fuck. Blood roared in my ears as I watched in time that seemed to move both too fast and in slow-motion. She steered into an empty field of sorts, her bike hitting some gravel and pitching her over the handlebars. Kennedy flipped in the air, making almost a full rotation before her body hit the ground in a sickening crumple.

  I didn’t think, I just moved. I jumped out of my SUV and ran across the intersection, ignoring the honking cars. She wasn’t trying to get up, wasn’t moving at all. I couldn’t even see a flicker of a hand or foot. This wasn’t happening.