The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  How did it go from carefree Sunday afternoons chewing on Fantales to feeling like she was continually functioning on autopilot, blinkers on, eyes ahead? She was much too young to be contemplating the meaning of life. Much too young to have to deal with the tragedy and grief of death three times already. But here she stood, her mind at a crossroads.

  For too long she’d had those blinkers on, content to let life take over and blindly follow the path without giving it much thought. Happier to live in the moment than ever think about the past, or more particularly, the future. Wasn’t that what all those inspirational quotes on Facebook and Instagram said? To live in the moment, forget about the past, and not worry about the future?

  Laura sighed and kicked a loose stone on the ground, watching as it rolled and bounced down the hill. Was that how Ryan felt? As if he were blindly rolling down a hill out of control?

  The darkness of his words hadn’t left Laura’s mind. They were imprinted on her eyelids every time she blinked, each word detailing his spiral downwards into depression. Her heart broke for Ryan with each and every word.

  In the last few days, Laura had passed seamlessly from sadness, to anger, to despair. ‘Why didn't you let me in, Ryan?’ she whispered to the unhearing sky. Why didn't she see it happening? See the signs. They seemed so obvious now in hindsight.

  It was true, all the signs were there, but when you're seventeen, the signs are like breadcrumbs. If followed, they'd lead you to the truth, but they’re so easily missed and eaten by the birds of everyday life. She'd missed them. Everyone had missed them.

  Laura longed to see Ryan's face again. To try and understand what was going on behind that dimpled smile, behind his once confident, carefree façade. To forgive him for what he’d done. She felt the emotion build up inside as her thoughts questioned her memories.

  She thought of Tom. Anger bit at her insides when she remembered his confession the other night. But it quickly dissipated. Things had changed. And it was time to forgive. Forgive Tom. Forgive Ryan. Maybe even forgive Rachel.

  Was that the answer to Laura’s confused emotions? Forgiveness? Laura wasn’t sure, but the thought of it made her feel lighter.

  ‘I’m making good on my promises, Mum,’ she said out loud before squeezing the tears from her eyes. A crackle of cockatoos flew overhead, their screeches echoing through the trees. Laura watched as they disappeared into the gray sky before she returned to the car. She sat behind the wheel as if waiting for a sign to show her what she should do next. But there were none. This was a decision she had to make by herself. A decision that would help her let go of the past and move forward. Tom didn’t deserve any of her anger. He deserved her forgiveness, and that’s what she was going to give him. And perhaps something a little special too. For the first time in so long, Laura felt lighter. She smiled.

  Chapter 22

  Tom checked his watch. It was nearing 9:30 a.m. He kicked the last of the hay bales off the back of the Ute, jumped down, and stacked them with the others. Then, he began to make his way back to the house.

  He wondered if there was a particular reason Laura wanted to see him. He knew she wanted to apologize, but that seemed like an arbitrary excuse. If anything, Tom needed to apologize to her. For more than Laura knew. Or would ever know, for that matter. He’d already said too much by declaring his feelings for her, and there was so much more he should have said. But there was nothing to be gained from telling Laura the one thing that he’d carried heavy on his conscience for so many years.

  Tom sighed as his boots kicked up more mud onto his jeans. It was great having Laura back, but it had also stirred up so many memories, guilt, and questions from the past. Could he have done more? Should he have? He knew there was something off with Ryan back then. It wasn’t that Tom didn’t like him—he was jealous, of course, that he’d scored Laura. But, it was more than that. It was like Ryan had it in for Tom, had to show off about Laura. And for what reason?

  He recalled the time Tom confronted Ryan in the classroom before he knew about Ryan and Rachel.

  ‘Excuse me, Mr. Gordon, would you like to rejoin us?’ Mr. Martin’s voice seeped into Tom’s consciousness. Tom sat up in his seat and refocused from the window to the board.

  ‘This is not the time for daydreaming. Now, tell me,’ he said, tapping the board with his chalk. ‘Is the answer A or B?’

  ‘Um … B?’

  ‘Correct.’

  Tom breathed a sigh of relief at his guess and looked at Ryan, who raised his eyebrows, acknowledging the lucky escape. ‘Lucky guess.’

  ‘This is crap, anyway. Seriously, who needs this advanced algebra shit, anyway?’ Ryan said, leaned toward him.

  ‘Yeah,’ Tom nodded. ‘Hey, I can’t come down the river after school. Promised Dad I’d help him.’

  Ryan shrugged. ‘Whatever. I think it’s just me and Laura, anyway.’

  Tom swallowed, the jealousy gnawing at his nerves. He began coloring in the back of his ruler, trying to ignore it, but it kept festering. He nudged Ryan. ‘You and Laura,’ he whispered, ‘you guys serious?’

  It was a weird question. He didn’t even know why he asked it, apart from the fact he wanted to make sure Ryan wasn’t fucking around with her. She deserved better than that.

  ‘I guess. Why?’

  ‘No reason.’

  Tom looked away, the heat burning his cheeks, hoping Ryan wouldn’t catch on.

  ‘She told me she loved me the other day,’ Ryan added casually.

  The corner of Tom’s lip twitched, and his shoulders froze. She what? he wanted to say. She didn’t. She wouldn’t have. Would she? Did she?

  The bell blasted, signaling the end of class, and everyone scraped their chairs back and grabbed their books, but Tom didn’t move. He could feel the anger slowly build and rise from the pit of his stomach. He stalled, wanting Ryan to leave. He didn’t know what he was capable of if he had to look at Ryan right now. The thought of Ryan with Laura made him feel sicker than it ever had.

  ‘Hey?’ Ryan said, waiting by the table with his books. ‘You coming?’

  Everyone had piled out of the room to make their way to the next class as Tom willed his body to calm.

  ‘Hey?’ Ryan tried again.

  Tom slowly pulled himself to his feet, looking Ryan in the eye. ‘Laura deserves to be treated right,’ he said, gritting his teeth. Then he grabbed his books off the desk.

  ‘What's that supposed to mean?’ Ryan said, fronting up to Tom as he went to pass by. ‘Hey, you gotta problem, Tom? Just say it.’

  ‘It means she's not just any girl, all right,’ Tom said and walked past him. He could feel Ryan’s eyes burning into his back, and it took all his resolve to keep walking.

  ‘You had your chance with her, Tom. You've had a million chances, but you never took them. I did.’

  Tom froze in the doorway. Embarrassment burned on his cheeks.

  ‘It's not like I don't know you like her. Problem is, Laura doesn't know that. And now she's with me.’

  ‘I don't like her like that. She's just a friend.’

  ‘Whatever, man,’ Ryan said, pushing past Tom, shouldering him as he did.

  Tom turned back into the classroom to regain his breathing, the seed of self-doubt sprouting up again. Ryan was right. He had had chances with Laura. They’d come and gone many times, and he’d never had the balls to take them. Always too self-conscious, more worried about losing a friend than seeing if there was more to their relationship. That was why Ryan was with her. He’d taken a chance, and he’d won. Tom swallowed back the acidic taste in his mouth.

  Tom had lost.

  Tom jumped up on the verandah with those words playing on his mind all these years later. He had lost. But, in the end, they’d all lost. Hindsight wasn’t any help. Recalling stupid memories and wishing things had been different didn’t help either. All he could do was take the chances that were in front of him right now. If he was man enough to.

  Chapter 23

 
It was almost serendipitous, certainly not something she’d planned. A notice in her letterbox on the way out this morning had caught her attention. And now, with a clear head, she knew it was the right thing to do. A gift of forgiveness. She had to shake any anger she felt toward Tom and release him of his guilt. And that was what this gift would do.

  She drove to the address on the notice, handed the money over, and made her choice. Returning to the car, she sat the box gently on the front passenger seat and carefully closed the door before returning to the driver’s seat. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Let’s do this.’

  She drove through the center of Banyula, cars angle parked along the sides of the road in front of the tired shop façades. Laura noticed many of the smaller boutique shops had closed down. Popsicle, once her and Rachel’s go-to fashion house, the bookshop, and the music store were all gone with not much to replace them. Her heart panged for the little town she used to call home. There had been rumors of a chain store moving in, which would definitely change the Banyula she once knew. But, change was inevitable, and maybe in the long run it would be the only saving grace for the town. Still, though, the thought left a small part of her heart craving the place she grew up in and knew so well, as much as she’d tried to deny it up until now.

  Flicking on the indicator and turning left past the Ford dealership, now bigger than she recalled, the butterflies rose in Laura’s stomach as she felt a rush of nerves tingle up the back of her neck.

  The road out to Tom's farm, once scattered with old weatherboard cottages on small acreages, had now been developed into a housing estate with rendered square buildings and colorbond roofing that all looked the same. Yucca plants grew in stone-covered garden beds, and concrete driveways met double garages. Flat, boring, and lifeless. The landscape didn’t match the memories inside Laura’s head. It didn’t even feel like it was the right road to Tom’s. Only a few grand old gum trees towering near the bridge over Clear Springs Creek indicated it was.

  Laura remembered how she had loved riding her bike out to the farm, not even minding the twenty minutes it took. In fact, she looked forward to it, the smell of the dry country air, the long grass, the silvery gums towering along the roadside, offering shade in the summer heat. She’d ridden it so many times she could probably have done so with her eyes closed back then. But it felt much different today.

  After another minute, the road finally became more familiar. On the bend ahead, two huge weeping peppercorn trees swayed in the breeze, and before she knew it, there was Tom’s driveway. Laura noted the new sign. The black lettering contrasted against the stone-white background.

  Gordon Angus. Quality, Performance, Diversity.

  Laura’s Mazda 3 rattled over the cattle grate, memories washing over her like she’d been here only yesterday. The expansive fields to the left and right with the big dam they used to catch yabbies in, the green pastures spotted with the black cows that Tom loved so much, and the familiar line of red gums in the distance that curved along the riverbank. The hairs prickled on Laura's arms as the old farmhouse came into view, and she felt a small lump form in her throat. She pulled up right in front of the old date palm, still as strong and tall as ever, still imagining her bike thrown against the trunk, helmet hanging off the handlebars.

  Laura opened the car door and sat for a moment, taking it all in. It was like she was ten years old again, marveling at the sprawling twelve-foot verandas surrounding the weatherboard farmhouse, the four orange brick chimneys standing proudly. Laura found herself imagining it in its heyday a hundred years earlier, wondering how much effort and money it would take to bring it back to its former glory. Her eye caught Tom rounding the verandah, interrupting her daydream. She smiled.

  ‘Hey,’ Tom said, jumping down off the verandah to meet her at the car.

  ‘Hey!’ Laura maneuvered herself out of the car, and there was a moment of awkwardness between them. Averted eyes. Hands shoved in pockets. Then they both broke the silence together.

  ‘Look, Tom—’

  ‘Lauz, I’m—’

  They both smiled.

  ‘Me first,’ Laura said.

  Tom nodded.

  ‘I’m sorry I reacted the way I did the other night,’ she started. Tom began to open his mouth, but Laura held up her hand. ‘Let me finish. I know you did what you thought was best back then. And it’s okay. We were so young, Tom. I don’t blame you. I understand.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Tom said, glancing up with hopeful eyes.

  ‘Yeah. I’m sure.’

  Tom smiled. ‘I’d do it differently if I had the chance again. I’d do a lot of things differently,’ he added, tucking his hands in his back pockets.

  ‘I know you would. Me too.’

  A noise escaped the car, and Laura’s eyes shot wide open.

  ‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ she said, rushing around to the front passenger door and lifting out the box. She opened it up out of sight behind the car, and then walked back around to Tom. Following close behind her, a golden ball of fuzz trotted up to Tom and began chewing on his boots. Laura watched, bursting with excitement as Tom peered at the big chocolate eyes staring up at him and the wet, black nose glistening in the light.

  ‘What the?’ Tom looked at Laura with a confused look before bending down and picking up the puppy. ‘Hey, little one.’ He ruffled the top of its head. ‘And this is?’ he questioned Laura as the puppy began gnawing on his hand with its pointy little teeth.

  ‘I think she likes you!’ Laura laughed.

  ‘Yeah. But…’

  ‘This is my forgiveness gift,’ Laura said, her eyes wide.

  As she caught Tom’s eyes, her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest. She watched as Tom’s lip trembled and his eyes began to water. The puppy squirmed and wriggled in his arms. ‘Are you kidding?’ His voice wavered.

  Laura slowly nodded, unable to speak.

  ‘Lauz, she’s beautiful. She looks just like Bessie.’

  ‘I know! Doesn’t she? I knew she was the one as soon as I saw her. And she was the first one that came up to greet me too.’

  The puppy licked Tom’s face excitedly.

  ‘I think she’s a keeper.’

  Tom reached out to Laura’s hand and squeezed it. ‘I think so. Thank you.’ Laura's skin buzzed with his touch, as if a current of electricity had just connected them. She quickly turned away and went around to the passenger seat to grab the bag of puppy supplies. ‘Let’s get her settled!’ she said.

  Half an hour later, the new puppy had collapsed with exhaustion on Tom’s kitchen floor, sprawled out on its new bed surrounded by newspaper Laura had carefully laid out in case of any accidents.

  ‘You don’t mind if I have a few chores to do while I show you around?’

  ‘Course not! It’ll be like old times,’ Laura said, trying to convince herself as much.

  ‘I think she’ll be okay here till we get back,’ Tom said, nodding at the puppy. He paused. ‘Rosie. How’s that sound for a name?’

  ‘That’s perfect!’ smiled Laura. ‘Rosie Gordon.’

  Tom closed the hallway door, leaving the little puppy softly snoring, and Laura followed behind and out through the back door.

  ‘I just have to head down the river. Need to check the level before it rains again,’ Tom said, pulling on his boots.

  ‘Yeah, sure.’

  ‘Here, put these on.’ Tom threw Laura a pair of well-worn, dusty Blundstone boots. ‘They were Mums, so they should fit okay. Those Converse of yours won’t cut it down at the river. I doubt there’ll be any snakes still out, but you never know.’

  Snakes. Something Laura didn’t miss about the farm. She remembered the time they ran into an eight-foot tiger snake down at the dam. She'd jumped into Tom's arms screaming, sending it scurrying into the scrub. Tom had laughed until his eyes watered, and Laura ended up pushing him in the water in a burst of anger and embarrassment.

  Laura smacked the boots together and then on the concrete.
>
  ‘Ah, you're definitely a farm girl at heart,’ Tom said, grinning.

  ‘Well, spiders, you know!’

  ‘Tell me about it! Had a redback in mine the other day.’

  ‘What!’ Laura shrieked.

  ‘Only kidding.’ Tom shook his head and laughed. ‘You haven’t changed, have you? You're still so gullible.’

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ she said, swinging a friendly arm at Tom as they jumped in the farm Ute and set off down toward the river.

  As they neared the gums, Laura realized how little the farm had changed. The worn track to the river was still the same, albeit soggy and muddy at the moment. A few Angus cows lifted their heads in the adjoining paddock as the Ute rumbled past, chewing slowly and methodically on the green pasture. The chirping of the cicadas was an annoying yet comforting chorus in the background.

  They pulled up as close as possible to the riverbank, and Tom descended toward the pump shed while Laura sat down on a fallen tree log. The water was the highest she’d ever seen it. Not far from breaking the bank. Their old swimming hole wasn't much of a hole anymore, more a torrent. Broken limbs from nearby gums littered the edges, and the old rope swing hung splintered and torn. A flash of Ryan leaping from the rope swing into the water below materialized in Laura’s head, taking her by surprise. She could see his strong arms rippling as he hoisted himself into the air, the sky cobalt blue behind him, with not a wisp of clouds. She could hear Rachel and Tom's laughter and the splash of Ryan into the river. And almost feel the warmth of the summer sun on her face if she tried hard enough.

  Laura struggled with the memory. Part of her wanted to push it away, the other part wanting to relive the moment and every feeling it brought back to her. A time of no responsibility, no regrets, no secrets, just the naïve bliss of untouched youth. The memory blurred as the wind caught Laura’s hair and whipped it behind her. She knew the time had come to let it go. It was time to let Ryan go.