The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  ‘All done,’ Tom said, slapping his palms together as he made his way toward Laura. ‘Lauz? Hey, what's wrong?’ he said, bending down in front of her.

  Laura looked up into the sky above to dry her tears. The silvery blanket overhead stretched as far as Laura could see, her heart heavy, realizing how much she missed the endless skies of the country. For the first time in so long, she wanted to feel the beauty of this place, relive the happy memories and not feel burdened by the bad ones.

  ‘It's so hard to let it all go,’ she cried, letting her tears spill down her face.

  ‘Hey, come here.’ Tom put his arm around her and pulled her close. Laura could smell a sweet mix of sweat and aftershave. Such a familiar smell. Tom. The only person she could feel like herself with. The only person who really knew her. As Laura let herself relax into Tom’s embrace, her heart slowly began to release the tension it was holding.

  Chapter 24

  Tom made Laura a hot cup of tea and opened a packet of Marie biscuits. His mum always said a cup of tea made everything easier.

  ‘Sorry, that's all I got.’ He smiled and put the packet of biscuits on the coffee table.

  Laura smiled back. She looked so beautiful. Her big brown eyes were endless pools, and he longed to see them again filled with the laughter and energy they used to hold. He’d give anything for that.

  Tom sat down on the sofa next to Laura.

  ‘I went to see Mrs. Lincoln,’ Laura said, staring at her tea.

  ‘Ryan’s grandmother?’

  Laura nodded. ‘She gave me Ryan’s diary.’

  ‘His diary? I didn’t even know he had one. Huh. Wouldn’t have picked him as the type.’’

  ‘Me either.’

  ‘What was in it?’

  Tom listened as she told him about Ryan’s journal. About Ryan’s spiral into depression. He shook his head. ‘I had no idea. I mean, I thought he was just being a jerk.’

  Laura reached her hand over to Tom’s, and he wrapped his fingers around hers. ‘I don’t think any of us knew,’ she said through a trembling voice. ‘Well, maybe Rachel.’

  Tom nodded. He tried to think of what to say. Anything to make it better, but he came up blank. They sat in silence for a few moments until he finally managed to speak. ‘I’m really sorry, Lauz.’ Tom gripped her hand tight.

  ‘Sorry for what?’

  ‘Just all of it. I should have told you earlier. I knew something was up. Maybe it would have brought things to a head. You know, we could have found out how Ryan was feeling. Got him some help.’

  ‘You can’t blame yourself. I’ve done that for so long, blamed myself. Thought “if only” or “what if?” I wish it could have been different, but …’

  ‘You’re right. We can’t change anything now. Just make amends, I guess.’

  Tom stared out the window as the dusk disappeared into black. Hindsight told him he’d known something was off with Ryan. He’d tried to like him, and sure, they’d had some fun times together—some of his best memories actually—but there had always been something amiss. Then, after he found out about Ryan and Rachel, well that was the end of it. But that wasn’t all. An unwelcome wave of guilt crashed over him.

  ‘I should probably get going,’ Laura said, breaking into his thoughts.

  He didn’t want her to go. Not now. Not ever. His mind raced for something to say.

  ‘Still like lasagna?’

  She looked at him puzzled. ‘Ah, yeah, why?’

  ‘I've got some for dinner. It's only store bought. Not homemade or anything. But if you want to, like maybe, stay for tea or something.’ He felt like he was fourteen years old again, awkward and uncomfortable.

  ‘Oh, Tom, I should really get back.’

  Tom stared at her blankly. What did she have to go back to? An empty house, memories of her mother. Of Ryan.

  ‘Seems silly going back to an empty house when I've got food here.’ He shrugged. The puppy rounded the couch and tilted its head toward Laura expectantly. ‘And Rosie wants you to stay too.’

  Laura sighed. ‘How can I say no to that face? Okay, I’ll stay. But only as long I can help.’

  ‘Not much to whacking a lasagna in the oven, but sure.’ Tom chuckled, making his way to the kitchen with the puppy following dutifully behind.

  An hour later they had demolished the lasagna and a bottle of merlot Tom had found in the pantry.

  ‘I can't believe your mum still has all that wine,’ Laura said. ‘Did she ever know you took any?’

  ‘Doubt it. She did take some with her though. Think she figured she'd better drink it before it turns to vinegar.’

  ‘Well this one went down very nicely.’ Laura smiled.

  In that moment, Tom felt the world was perfect. Dinner, good wine, Laura across the table, and a puppy curled up next to his feet. The gentle breeze rustled the fronds of the date palm against the roof, and the dull chirp of the crickets outside gave Tom an idea to make it even more perfect.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, getting to his feet and clearing their plates. He poured the dregs of the wine into their glasses and motioned for Laura to follow.

  Once outside, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust, but he took Laura's hand and they made their way over to the old wooden swing his dad made when Tom was eight. It was a huge plank of hardwood big enough for three. The moon poked its head through the clouds, casting just enough light for Tom to grab an old gum branch and dust away any cobwebs. Then with the back of his sleeve, he wiped off the drops of rain water from the swing. Laura looked like she didn't think he expected her to hop on.

  ‘It's okay. Smiddy’s kids use it all the time. It's safe and spider free. I promise!’

  Laura still didn't look too sure but followed his lead as he sat down on the swing and patted the wood next to him. She sat cautiously. Now, it was perfect.

  They gently rocked back and forth, the wine casting a happy haze on Tom's thoughts. He watched Laura as she looked up into the night sky and wondered what she was thinking.

  Her skin had a translucent milky glow under the moonlight, and her dark hair fell in brilliant contrast as it gently lapped against her cheek. He wanted so much to touch her. To softly tuck her hair behind her ear, like he’d noticed she always did. To lean in and kiss the small of her neck and feel how delicately soft her skin would be on his lips. To breathe in the scent of her. Tom felt himself fill with passion. If there was ever going to be a moment, it was now.

  But what if she wasn't ready? What if she didn't feel the same way? Was it too soon? She was still grieving after all, for her mum, and again for Ryan. Especially after reading his journal. But surely she felt it too. She had to. There was so much more to them now. Every day since she had left, his heart had been aching for her. He'd never seriously looked at another girl. It was as if he was waiting, knowing she would return. He had never been in love, or so he'd always thought, though maybe he'd been in love all along.

  ‘This is beautiful, Tom,’ Laura said softly, startling him a little. She rested her hand on his knee, and it took all his patience and restraint not to passionately jump on top of her right then and there. But no, he had to take things slow.

  ‘Laura,’ he began, clearing his croaky throat as if starting an important speech.

  She turned to face him, and he looked into her eyes, his heart pounding.

  ‘I'm in love with you. I've always been in love with you.’ As soon as he said it, he knew it came out wrong. Too full-on. Too fast. He was supposed to ease into it, not goddamned blurt it out like the answer on a quiz show.

  ‘I … I mean …’ He scrambled to recover the words.

  Laura hung her head and avoided his gaze. He couldn't read her. He needed to see her eyes to know what she was thinking, to know if it was too much.

  ‘Tom … I … I can't …’

  Tom felt the fire of passion inside creep up to his cheeks and turn into embarrassment. He rubbed his face with his hand.

  ‘I'm sorry, Laura. I
know it's too much. I just needed to tell you. You know, in case… In case you felt the same way. Or something, at least.’

  Laura didn't say anything for a few moments, and Tom was lost for words. His whole body shrank in embarrassment.

  ‘I was engaged, you know,’ she said, stroking her ring finger. Tom felt the color drain from his face.

  ‘You’re engaged?’ he said, hoping he had misheard her.

  ‘Was.’ She sighed. ‘It’s a long story.’

  Tom’s face flushed. The air suddenly felt thick and heavy. Engaged? ‘Right,’ was all he could muster.

  ‘I wasn’t in love with him. And I don’t think he was in love with me either, to be honest. It was just sort of the progression of our relationship.’ Laura’s voice was a whisper.

  ‘Have you told him?’

  Laura shifted slightly on the swing. ‘I broke it off before I came here, but he thinks it was all the emotion of everything talking. Mum’s sickness, coming back here. All that.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘No. Well, yes … but no. I’ve felt this way for a while. It’s just … urgh!’ Laura plunged her face into her hands before throwing her head back and continuing. ‘Do you ever feel like life is a never-ending road to nowhere? Like you hopped on a bus in the moment, even though you weren’t sure of the direction, but you thought it would take you where you needed to go? And to begin with, it’s fine. It’s a smooth journey, fun even, but now you realize it’s veered off course and there’s no way of getting off? You’ve committed to the journey for too long, and now there’s nothing you can do about it?’

  Tom knew exactly what she meant. He’d been like that since Laura left. But his journey was much lonelier. Just him and the cows. Pushing through every day trying to make the most of it, hoping at the end of every day for an email in the inbox or a letter in the mail that would bring him happiness, or hope, at least. And although he loved the farm, he wasn’t happy. And he knew what would make him happy. Laura. It had always been Laura. So why couldn’t he bring himself to say it to her? Before he could muster the words, Laura broke the silence.

  ‘I think I should go,’ Laura said, maneuvering herself with a jump off the swing. But she mistimed her step and stumbled. Tom instinctively grabbed her arm, and she fell into his chest. Her warm body felt like the hot breeze of summer enveloping all around him. Tom stared into her eyes, his heart racing. Without giving himself time to talk himself out of it again, he bent down and kissed her.

  Her lips were soft and tasted as sweet as sugar. She didn't pull away, but Tom could sense her apprehension as her back muscles tightened under his hands. Tom took every millisecond and implanted it into his memory. If this was the only time he would ever kiss her, he would cherish it for the rest of his life.

  Laura finally pulled away. ‘I'm sorry, Tom. I can’t. I’d better go.’ She turned her back to him.

  Tom felt the giddiness of the kiss and the haziness of the wine combine. ‘Laura, you can’t drive yet. Not after half a bottle of wine. The cops are always on Turner Road.’

  Laura ignored him and began walking back toward the house. Tom followed with a slight jog to catch up to her.

  As they got to the back door, he stopped and reached his hand to Laura’s shoulder. ‘Lauz, just stay here. The spare bedroom's always made up.’ He watched her eyes skip from side to side, avoiding his. ‘Look, I know I shouldn't have kissed you, but stay. Please. It doesn't mean anything if you do. I know that. But just stay.’

  Tom waited. He could almost see her thoughts fighting with each other as she contemplated his offer for the longest time. Finally, she nodded. She looked so sad and forlorn, and Tom was regretting everything he had said, almost even regretting the kiss. The last thing he wanted was to upset her. He just wanted to hold her in his arms and promise he'd look after her so she'd never be sad or lonely again. But he’d blown it. He’d come on too strong. A solitary cow bellowed in the distance, the lonely cry echoing around the farm.

  In silence, Tom showed Laura to the spare room and gave her a clean towel out of the linen press. ‘See you in the morning,’ Tom said, hovering at the door. Laura simply nodded. Tom hung his head and began to close the door. Laura reached her hand out to catch the door, and Tom’s eyes. ‘I'm sorry,’ she whispered.

  ‘Me too,’ he said.

  Lying in bed, Tom wondered what was going through Laura's mind. She hadn't freaked out at his confession of undying love for her. Well, not totally. Maybe she did feel something. They had been through so much together, and there was so much they shared that nobody else could possibly understand. Surely, she had to feel something. But she had been engaged. Tom shivered at the thought that she’d loved someone enough to want to marry him. It felt like his heart shrank in pain at the thought of her ever loving someone. He’d never be enough. He’d never be Ryan. He’d never be the one she’d want to marry. Tom closed his eyes, his thoughts still swirling.

  What did he have to give her anyway? The end of the month was approaching; the bank wouldn’t hold off much longer. So, what was he offering her? He squeezed his wet eyes tight. Just a useless old farmer with no farm. And he still held close his secret about the night Ryan died. After her reaction to him not being upfront about Ryan and Rachel and now this, he knew there was no way he could ever tell her. No matter how much guilt he held inside.

  Chapter 25

  Laura woke to the piercing screeches of the white cockatoos at sunrise. From her bed, she could see the pink sky as it began to lighten through the cracks in the curtains. The sun peeked its head over the easterly ranges, the colors rich and full of life. Laura watched as the sky changed quickly before her eyes, wondering how amazing it would be waking up to this each morning. To the farm. To Tom.

  She'd spent the first hour in bed last night tossing and turning, trying to decipher the mixed emotions she was feeling. Something had sparked inside her, a warmth, a calmness when she thought of Tom. The possibilities of life with him, of seeing his Cheshire cat smile every day. Tom's admission of his own feelings wasn’t entirely a shock to her, but her own response was, and she didn't know if she was ready to open herself up to a new love, or what was maybe even an old love.

  She thought of Luke. Surely there’d been an attraction in the early days, but it was different to what she felt for Tom, and this new emotion scared her. It was both intense and calm at the same time, which didn’t make any sense. And now she felt blanketed with feelings of guilt. It was too soon. Even though she’d been emotionally vacant from Luke for so long, she respected him too much to jump straight into another relationship, especially when she hadn’t even properly finished things with him. She never thought she’d be the type to break someone’s heart. She knew what it felt like. Knew it was something you never really got over.

  As another group of cockatoos greeted the morning, Laura stared at the pressed metal ceiling, chasing her thoughts around in circles. She’d tried to convince herself coming back to Banyula was going to finally close the chapter of her life she had been hiding from, but she was fast discovering that ‘the end’ wasn’t that easy. Her story felt more like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books she used to read as a kid, but this time she didn’t have the opportunity to read through every possibility and select the one she liked. This time she had to make a choice, and it scared her; she had no idea which way to turn. When she thought about it, she’d never really made an adult decision without external influences. Every decision she’d made up until this point was like a tumbleweed racing down on her, gathering her up in the momentum and pushing her in one direction or another.

  Laura yawned, her mouth sticky at the edges after sleep. She pulled back the blanket and tiptoed out of bed and peered out the window over the expanse of Tom’s farm. The pink hopeful day was rapidly being taken over by rain clouds gathering from the south, gradually enveloping the pink sky. Downstairs she heard the familiar creek of the back door and watched as Tom, followed by the puppy bounding around his f
eet, made his way toward the shed. Tom threw on his hat and Driza-Bone and then lifted the excited puppy into his arms, scratching her under her neck, much to her delight. Her tail wagged madly.

  She should leave now. Go home. Or maybe she could whip up some pancakes ready for Tom when he returned. No, that would be too much. Leading him on to something she wasn't certain she was ready for. No, she had to go. Let her mind settle so she could think rationally and not just act on her knocking heart.

  She padded down the staircase and pulled a piece of paper from Tom’s desk in the living room. She scribbled a note thanking him for last night and apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye. She ended with a doodle of a smiley face, hoping that would lighten the words. Cover her guilt. Then she headed back into town.

  Laura parked her car in the supermarket parking lot. She planned on grabbing something for dinner before heading home to finish the house.

  Standing in the freezer section, Laura was contemplating whether to choose the teriyaki chicken or shepherd’s pie when she noticed a figure round the corner of the aisle and pause. The weight of the person’s stare made her look up.

  It was Rachel. But she wasn’t alone. Hanging on to Rachel’s hand was a boy dressed in a school uniform, staring straight at Laura. It took a moment to register, and then Laura inhaled sharply as she saw the speckled green eyes she knew so well. Ryan's green eyes.

  ‘Laura. Um, hi,’ Rachel said, her face flushed.

  Laura couldn't stop staring at the miniature version of Ryan.

  ‘Mitchell, this is … um, Mummy's friend, Laura,’ Rachel said, smiling down at the young boy.

  ‘Hi.’ The sweet little face beamed, a small dimple appearing in his cheek as he smiled.

  Laura tried to regain her composure as her heart rate soared. ‘Um, hi, Mitchell.’ She looked at Rachel, whose face was awash with anxiety. ‘Oh, god. Is that the time?’ Laura feigned looking at the watch she wasn’t wearing. ‘Ah, I’m … um, late. Sorry, Rachel, I have to run.’ She turned on her heel and ran out of the supermarket, ditching the frozen dinners on a display of toilet paper at the end of the aisle as she went. When she made it back to the car, she collapsed on the steering wheel, unable to control the sobs escaping her chest.