Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  She nods her head as she stands and runs away without looking back at Hem or I she is literally running as fast as her legs will carry her. Shame looks at me and the anger continues to rise on his face. He is clean of the blood and so is Hem, I’m thankful for that because Ace didn’t get the beating personally from them. Those two men are so powerful and combined, I’m unsure he would have survived it. Fuck if this isn’t a situation that I have no backup for.

  I look at Ace. Holy Fuck. He’s almost unrecognizable. No one deserves this for falling in love with someone.

  “Why have you done this to him?” My stomach is turning and I am talking calmly all the while the storm inside me still rages on. “What was his sin Hem that you would allow, wait, that you would order these two men to beat him to this state?” I’m waiting, getting no answer I’m headed into Mama Bear mode. “Fucking tell me, Hem! What was the great crime that matches this punishment?” The two men that have halted the assault are panting, waiting for word to continue.

  “He’s in love with my woman! Fucking bastard loves my woman and right after I patch his fucking ass in as part of my family, he gets fucking drunk as hell and then he decides he wants to have a chat with me about how I treat my woman! No fucking way does that fly here, Princess. Although I’m enjoying this chat, I don’t have to justify shit to you. Get the fuck out of here and let me finish what we came here for.” Sick fucking bastard.

  Shame has said not one word. This makes him just as guilty as Hem. He has to know this is fucked up.

  Ace starts coming to now and I pray he passes out again, no way he can even see anything in front of him. So much blood dripping into his eyes and I would rather he not feel the next blows coming. I’m trying to buy him some time with my attempts at calming Hurricane Hem.

  “No, fuck you Hem. No, you don’t really have to justify club business to me, do you? Maybe if you did you would have thought this shit through. So you’re telling me his crime is falling in love with someone? I mean, do you really believe that people are able to help who they fall in love with? You think Sadey meant to fall in love with you all those years ago? Look at yourself! You fucking broke her tonight, Hem!”

  I turn in a full circle where I stand regain some composure before I continue. “I realize it’s an emotion that you aren’t familiar with but love happens Hem, we don’t choose who we love. Jesus, ever stop to think how or why Sadey is with you and not him right now? He didn’t fucking attempt to fuck her dammit, from what you are telling me his only real crime was bringing to light what a fucking asshole you are!”

  I point to the hanging body of limbs in front of Hem for effect. I’m ignoring Shame because he still has yet to say anything regarding this monstrous act at Hems hand. I’m disappointed in him for not backing me, he knows I’m on the right side of this. Hem pauses and finally breaks his stare at me and looks down.

  “Cut him fucking loose, call Honor down here. He can call Doc Taylor and pay him from our discretionary funds to keep this shit quiet. He’s going to need stitches, probably a few ribs taped up, and sure as fuck he will need a dentist. We may as well give the new boy a full picture of what happens here when I’m crossed. Mace is right, no one hears of this. Boys, get your asses up through the garage and clean up before coming back down for the rest of the party.”

  He walks over to Ace before the boys finish setting him free, grabbing his shirt and steps on his cut that has been left on the concrete floor. “Do not ever think I wouldn’t take another opportunity to whip your ass again if you ever step out of line with me. Nod your fucking toothless pussy bald head so I know you understand me, son.”

  Ace groans and Hem drops him hard onto the concrete. In response to that sound, I’m suddenly sick to my stomach. I try to hold it back but when I look down and see four broken teeth laying by Ace, everything comes back up. Quickly jumping to the side of the concrete and out of the shining lights I lean over and let it go.

  When I’m done I look back at Hem, shake my head and disgust and see now that Shame won’t even look at me but he does look a bit relieved. Maybe he didn’t want to be here, but that means fucking shit to me right now. He had the power to stop this and he chose not to. I’m disappointed in him. That’s why he won’t look at me, he already knows I see through him.

  I leave Hem and Shame to gather their composure and talk while they wait for Honor to show up and handle Ace. I want to stay with him, but I know this would spin up Hem again so I go back to the house to check on Sadey, trusting no more will happen to Ace in my absence.

  When I walk through the doors, I look for Gunner at the bar. I need to warn him about what happened so he knows he’s in the clear, and no one suspects he told me where to find my men. He’s standing at the end of bar with a beer in hand, looking unaffected but I know he’s not. He’s worried about Ace. They aren’t close but seeing a brother being dragged away by Hem wouldn’t sit right with anyone.

  “Hey.” All three men standing in the huddle with Gunner look to me. My eyes on Gunner I lift my lips in half smile as a silent way to communicate so he knows all is okay for now, well as okay as it can be pending my late arrival to aid Ace. The brothers continue their talk and I’m starting to visibly shake as the adrenaline starts to fade.

  Gunner motions the newest bar keep, a prospect on duty. “Get her some Jim Beam, brother. Make it a double and one for me as well.” I’m thankful he’s taking this over.

  “Alright?”

  “Good as can be.” He reaches over and grabs my hands that are twisting in front of me, I’m barely holding on and with that touch from Gunner I’m about to lose it. I step towards him because I’m needing someone familiar, someone I’m not so fucking pissed with to help calm my nerves. Gunner freezes at my advance so I start to step back. He’s been so nice to me, I don’t want this ruined by my ever present insecurities. When I back up, I land against another body. Turning around I see a very pissed off and disgusted Shame.

  “What the fuck are you doing, Princess?”

  Oh god. He doesn’t use that word with me unless he’s trying to hurt me and right now, that’s his aim. I don’t think I can do this right now. I turn back to Gunner quickly and start to tell him I’m going to make my exit and then I hear Shame, and unfortunately I hear every damn word loud and clear.

  “Cherry and Kegs let’s go.”

  His tone is defiant and I’m scared because I know what he’s about to do. He’s about to ruin us, right now in this moment. If he does what he’s intending to do then it is over, we are over. I know myself, I could never recover from his intentionally hurting me out of anger, hurt, or otherwise.

  “What?” Kegs stands from the table she was sitting at before being summoned to Shame. She looks from me to Shame, and she’s way confused. Welcome to the party sister, shit is about to get interesting. Cherry is standing behind her now because she too knows about Shame and I, but she’s not about to jump in here at Kegs defense.

  “I said let’s fucking go! Up to my room, out of here, I don’t care where we go as long as I’m not having to look at anyone’s trash.” He never breaks eye contact with me as he roars those words.

  My heart has stopped. He is really doing this. This is Shames ways of saying goodbye. He knows I won’t share him. Mentally I just can’t, I’m not that girl. He wants to hurt me in such a way that I can’t recover and would refuse to take him back. This will do it, and he knows it.

  Kegs speaks for both her and Cherry now. “Fuck that Shame. I may be a Club whore, and you may not think enough about me to assume I would go with you, but fuck no. You’re doing this only because you’re hating something or someone, you’re not lusting for sex. I’m not even sorry for saying this but Cherry and I have been watching you and Hem all night, you’re an asshole Shame. That woman there is way too fucking good for you.”

  With that she and Cherry both look to me, each giving me an apologetic look as tears that are about the shed, remain in my eyes and then they walk away. Wondering wh
at happens next I look to Shame silently begging him not to do this. He looks at me, then behind me to Gunner, then back to me.

  “WINNIE and BLOOM, follow me.” Shame bellows now gaining us even more an audience of pity. He walks out of the compound as those skanks follow him, leaving the boys they were just with to dangle, unsatisfied.

  I turn to Gunner. I can tell he wants to reach out to me, but I won’t let him. I’ve caused enough trouble for this club in my mission to help Ace.

  I’m marching up the stairs before I know it, leaving all this chaos behind me. I need to go grab Sadey and get the hell back home before I completely fucking fall apart. Christ, once I realize what just happened here I don’t think anyone or anything will be able to pull me out of the blackness.

  Chapter Eleven:

  “I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  Last night, after getting Sadey and her bags from upstairs, we came back down to find a fuming Hem sitting at the bar. From the looks of the surrounding members within his distance, it went unspoken that he was to be left the fuck alone. He had glanced at Sadey and me as we had walked by but said nothing to either one of us. I hadn’t anticipated him to say anything though.

  Even in his fury, he was starting to feel the self-hate set in. Hem deals with self-hate through alcohol, his way of self-destructing. Always has been his choice of self-infliction and his way of keeping himself numb while he works through his own shit.

  Luckily enough though, we did not see Shame on the way out. Safe to assume he was already readying himself to be balls deep into Winnie and/or Bloom. Shame deals with his self-hate by fucking his way through as much pussy as he can get, in as short amount of time as he can get at it. This has always been Shames way of dealing with his self-hatred, women versus alcohol. Same way of copying through an addiction, different drug. Whatever Shame went through as a child kept him close to the edge of his fuckedupness. I just had the audacity to believe I was enough to navigate him from this for the rest of our lives together.

  Sadey and I finally made it to the car without incident and we drove home in complete silence. Nothing needed to be said between us because we both knew how the other was feeling. We were both silently praying to keep be able our shit together long enough to just make it inside the walls of our own home and then allow ourselves to grieve out loud in the privacy of our bedrooms, without witness.

  Right now, I’m lying in my bed, and in the contrast of the morning sun flitting through my windows bright, I’m feeling so alone and broken. Through the night my sleep was interrupted by the roars of tears and anguish I would hear coming from inside me, waking me then reminding me that what I thought was a nightmare wasn’t and that Shame was no longer with me. Sadey never came to me in the night as I had expected she would. What she and I were going through was not the exact same, but it was hurting in the same place. I can honestly say that my heart isn’t just broken from this, it feels so much more than that. My heart is literally shattered, unrecognizable, and it is unrepairable.

  Hem had been wanting to give Sadey a taste of the club so she could view it as it should be, a cage of darkness that he can never leave. He had always protected us both from the violence that surrounded his life. Dirty never touched either one of us because he would never allow it. He kept both of us under his protective shield, always ensuring we stayed innocent and clean from his dangerous and dirty.

  Hem also had spent years denying his love for Sadey because he didn’t want this life for her. He kept me at arms distance in his own way as well, but since I was his sister and in order to spend more time with him I was to view at least shadows into his life. Last night wasn’t a glimpse, shadow, or a taste though. That was a full on, all consuming, act of hate that played out like a movie again and again for both Sadey and I. We will have no choice but to replay in our heads for days to come.

  I wonder now how Ace is this morning and where he’s at. I hope he’s being taken care of and that no more harm comes to him. Although I’m no doctor, I could see that he would be better off to stay in a hospital for care, but how the injuries occurred and to avoid police involvement I know this won’t be the case.

  Ace has a good heart. When that man loves, that man loves hard. He wasn’t afraid of telling Hem that Sadey didn’t belong in this life. He loves Sadey enough to stand up and take the worst beating anyone could ever expect and it came at the hands of his own Club brother. I can’t say I know Ace well enough to determine if he will stay away from her now though. I do know the Club is his life, he told me this the same night he professed his love for her to me. Seems so long ago he and I shared how he had felt, had it really only been just a week? Unsure where Ace comes from, if it would be a place worth leaving her for and going back to start over.

  Knowing I need to get up and check on Sadey I mentally prepare my checklist for today. I am going to talk to Hem first. As of yesterday he was still planning to take Shame and some of the members to Texas in search of Switch, finally putting his plan of revenge into place for taking Doc’s life in cold blood. Wonder if Hem will ever get enough revenge, I’m trying not to think about Hem spending the rest of his life searching for ‘enough’.

  I’m going to the Club today for another reason, not just Hem. I need get my things from Shame’s room. I have no intentions of going back there for any other reason than to visit Hem, but even that won’t be for a long time from now.

  Shame broke us, completely. I cannot forgive his actions with Winnie and Bloom. He meant for me to hurt, it was direct and intentional. This is something I won’t forgive. If I were a weaker person I would wait with bated breath for Shame to return to me, begging forgiveness. I’m not so weak though, I know this lifestyle and have had a front row seat to see how it can affect the behaviors of even taken men, men with wives and families. I knew walking into Shame’s life and sharing him with that family that there was a chance for heartache, but still believed that once we were really together that we didn’t need anyone outside of us. So wrong, he will always need them and I could never have been enough.

  Sadey needs to get over this with Hem and fast, even if by distraction. She’s most likely hurting more than I am, I can admit that. Out of the two of us, I am cognizant that she fell harder. She’s a lover at heart and she has loved that stupid man all her life. She didn’t have any experience of love, sex, or relationships before Hem took her there just a couple months ago. He has been the only love she has ever known, she doesn’t have memories like I have of Greyson to give her hope of the future with someone else. Not as though either of us will be leaning on hope anytime soon, but it’s something for me to encourage her to look forward to.

  I’m showered and I’ve tried to wash all the ugliness from last night off and even made a feeble attempt to act as though the longer I washed my skin it would also help wash my memories of what happened down the drain as well, but that won’t happen. I’ve thrown away my dress, garters, and heels I wore last night because I don’t want to be reminded about how I had been so excited for Shame to see them. He didn’t even get a chance to really see me last night before everything fell apart.

  Sitting here now drinking my coffee, Sadey walks in. She looks like hell. I see at least she ran herself through the same symbolic cleansing shower as I had. Hope she had better luck washing those pictures of last night away.

  “Hey baby, how are you?” Stupid question but we may as well face our rawness in the daylight with each other before facing the rest of the world.

  “I think I’m okay, Mace. I got out a lot of tears out last night and after I finished I took time to really clear my head, or try anyway. Night is always a bad time to think, we both know this. So when I woke up today things didn’t hurt as much. I just want to chill today. You
know the boys are leaving tomorrow right? I find it hard to believe that Hem would change plan just based on the way you and I left last night. Please don’t be mad at me for saying this, okay?”

  I’m bracing myself because I see something that resembles hope in her eyes, Sadey is always hopeful.

  “I want to see him today Mace. That’s what I spent time thinking about last night. I felt like I died a thousand deaths as I tried to come up with ways to stop loving him. I can’t. He’s it for me, no more.” She’s nervous right now. She looks almost scared of what my reaction will be.

  I reach to her hand that is holding the edge of the table. She’s shaking. “Oh Sweetie, of course you want to see Hem, I don’t fault you for that. I have to head into the Club anyway. I want to clear my stuff from Shame’s room before he leaves tomorrow. I could wait until after but he will lock his room down and I’m not putting Gunner in the middle of anymore shit then I already have. I will just face Shame today if need be and get my things sooner rather than later.” She doesn’t say anything at all. Still hanging on to that table though.

  “Mace, don’t you want to see Shame before he heads out? I mean, what if he doesn’t come back? I don’t mean to sound harmful but what they are doing, it’s dangerous. I know you hate him for what he did to you last night. From what you told me, he was beyond brutal and you didn’t deserve any of that, but this is Shame. He’s not just the Shame from last night, but he’s the Shame we’ve know all our lives. He loves you and you know he does, even if he hurt you.”

  She’s trying to get me to see something that I don’t. I can’t find the Shame I grew up loving, all I see is this Shame the man who completely and utterly tore every aspect of my life to bits and then calmly walked away, bitch on each arm.