Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  I’ve had a long Monday but luckily I have evaded any alone time and avoided my thoughts of Shame. I laugh out loud at Sadey’s description of him. She’s right. He really is the essence of male beauty and right now, alone and feeling lost I truly miss his essence. Deep breaths, I need to keep the hurt at bay. It does help knowing he’s out on a ride though. It doesn’t stop me from wondering if he’s thinking of me as the miles pass, but I’m certain I’m thinking about us enough for the both of us. Dammit, so much for keeping this shit at bay.

  A loud crash has stirred me awake. I glance to my alarm clock and see its 3:33 a.m. I wait a few minutes to see if I hear anything else, I don’t but can’t shake a sick feeling that something is wrong. Maybe someone is here in the house. Sadey sleeps like the dead after she consumes as much wine as she did so no way she would have heard that. I’m going to get up and check on her and the noise. Remembering the text from Hem, he was adamant about staying close and being safe, I grab my brothers little league bat that I’ve kept in the back of my closet all these years as protection.

  First stop is Sadey’s room. I open her bedroom door, so dark in here I can’t see her in her bed so I walk closer and flip on her night light. She’s not in bed and I’m starting to panic. I’m running down the hall screaming her name and I still get nothing. Yelling wildly through the house checking all rooms. Kitchen, living room, her room all come up empty. Going back to my bedroom to call someone, anyone, to share my concern I pass the bathroom in the hall and sigh in relief because I haven’t even checked there! I never claimed to be Sherlock Holmes so I cut myself some slack.

  My relief is short lived. Opening the door I see Sadey laying on the floor in an unnatural position. SHIT!

  Rushing to her I start to panic. “Sadey, Sadey. Are you awake? Baby, can you hear me.”

  Leaning over her I can feel she’s breathing so I calm a bit and get up to grab my phone from my room. I’m not sure who I’m calling right now, either a prospect at the Club or 911. Coming back to her with phone in hand I can see she may be losing color. I’m not a doctor and this is Sadey so I’m siding with calling to get help for her first then calling someone to help keep me calm.

  After calling 911 and unlocking the front door, I return to Sadey and wait. I have about three minutes to decide if I should call Hem now or wait until she’s evaluated. I know I shouldn’t but there is one person that shares my love for her and he’s here, in town. Hem may be livid at me for doing this, but I’m calling Ace.

  “Who the fuck calls someone at 4 o’clock in the fucking morning, Mace? Jesus. It’s a good thing I like you or ….” Damn I don’t have time for this!

  “Shut up Ace, Sadey is unconscious. I called 911 and they are in route. Meet us at Memorial in 10.” Click. I don’t want to explain to Ace verbatim or change my mind in calling him. Hem isn’t happy with Ace but hopefully in his heart he knows if anyone should be with Sadey in his absence, it should be someone who cares about her and I can’t do this alone.

  Once the paramedics got there Sadey was starting to come around. This isn’t the first time I have seen her like this but the last time was only because she had the flu. I’m not naive enough to believe this is the flu and this thought has me sick with worry.

  They take all of her vitals and I can hear them talking to each other and I mentally berate myself for not paying attention to anything other than Dr. McSteamy when watching my weekly shows. If I had only listened more closely I could probably be able to understand more of what they are talking about.

  Paramedics approve me to ride along with Sadey, who is now awake but confused so she can’t tell me what happened. I can guess she passed out, but she was out for a while which is what is making me so nervous. I ask if she wants me to call Hem, but she really is so out of it I’m unsure she understands what I would be calling him for. The young male paramedic started an IV back at the house and the female is talking to hospital now giving them all of Sadey’s vitals and information so they can get started in helping her upon arrival.

  “Honey, I am going to call Hem. I know he would want to be here but remember he’s gone? He and Shame will be back tomorrow sometime though, okay?”

  “He’s at the house honey, he was in the shower when we left Mace and I think you’re just confused.” She has so much confidence when she says this and I can’t take that away from her.

  “Oh, alright. Well then he will be with you once he gets dressed then.” That’s a lie, but I won’t be penalized for that later.

  I need to at least text him real quick before we get there, I don’t want to leave her and if I talk to him on the phone in front of her she may get upset that he’s not here yet. Probably best to send a message to both Hem and Shame so in case one doesn’t look at the phone the other will, better be safe.

  *ME: Sadey and I are in route to Memorial. Found her unconscious in bathroom and called 911. Hate doing this over text Hem, but you should know.

  I put the phone away so I can concentrate on Sadey. We have arrived at the hospital and they are preparing her to exit the ambulance. She’s visibly trembling now so I think she’s finally comprehending that this show is for her.

  “Mace, what’s happened? I’m scared.” She’s also sweating. Her shirt is drenched at the neck and her face has beads of sweat everywhere.

  “Hi there. Welcome back to us, Sadey.” I say in a gentle voice as I brush the matted hair falling in her eyes. “You went away for a little bit so I was giving you some time. I’m right here and we are okay. I texted Hem so he knows where to find you. I’m not sure exactly how you got there but you were on the bathroom floor when I found you earlier. How do you feel now?”

  “I’m just tired I guess but I feel like I’ve already slept all night, Mace. Is Hem on his way? I don’t want him on his bike if he’s upset, worried and anxious. Can you call him so I can talk to him, please Mace? Just for a second I promise, I just want to hear his voice.”

  She knows we aren’t to call them when they are on a ride, it’s a distraction they don’t need if its club business but I can’t refuse her when she’s terrified and I know Hem is the only person to calm this situation for her.

  “Yes, let me call now.” Pulling my phone back out of my purse as they start to wheel her in through the ER doors I open it up to call Hem but I have a text message from Shame.

  *SHAME: Sweetheart, what the hell is going on? We are leaving here in 15 minutes, just wrapping things up and the rest can wait. Hem is out of his mind right now.

  *ME: Sadey wants to talk to him. Do you think that’s possible? I mean, since you’re wrapping up? I don’t want him upset on ride home so maybe if he talks to her he will be in better mind frame to ride.

  My phone rings and its Shame. I don’t let it even finish a ring before I answer. He doesn’t say hello, just gets right to the point. “Just easier to talk then text, yes you know you can call for emergencies baby, let me get him and put him on the phone.”

  “Shame wait, I... I just...” Words aren’t coming because I’m still lost in his endearments. Even after I left him there with his heart spilled out all over the ground, he still loves me. I can hear it in his voice.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. You’re being so nice after… and I probably don’t deserve it so thank you. We will be friends again I have faith in that, but just so you know, I appreciate your kindness right now.”

  He pauses, I can hear him breathing and he wants to say something but then I hear a shuffle and then I hear one very pissed off Hem.

  “MACE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH SADEY? I’M SICK WITH WORRY. You send those damn texts then I find you sitting here chit chatting with your boy. WHAT THE FUCK?” He’s screaming so loud that although I’m standing by Sadey’s gurney and she’s laying down with her eyes closed, she can hear him loud and clear. She immediately tries to sit up but her IV bag pulls on her and the medic pushes her back down explaining it isn’t a good idea to try to move yet.

  “MAC
E! DAMMIT ARE YOU STILL THERE?” Crap this man is roaring and it’s blowing out my ears.

  “Here Hem, talk to her. She’s alright and she’s right here. Do not fucking scream at her, do you hear me? Get hold of yourself before you speak because you’re going to freak her out more than she already is you animal!”

  He calms and I can hear the worry in his voice. He’s just as freaked as we are and he’s 500 miles away. “Yeah I know. I can do that. Sorry, please put her on. I’m worried here, Mace.”

  I don’t respond to his apology I just hand over the phone to Sadey who sits on the line and before she can speak I can see that Hem feels her presence on the phone. She’s laying down and I hear him speak to her softly as her eyes roll in the back of her head in relief to just hearing his voice. This scene is tugging at my heart because I want what they have for Shame and I, but it isn’t possible. I need to walk away before I cause an emotional scene.

  I tell the Medic to let her have my phone as long as she needs it. They can work around her, hell it’s probably easier to work around her while Hem keeps her calm. I lean down and kiss her temple wet from sweat, and I signal I’m going for a drink. She gives a half smile to me, still lost to Hem’s voice.

  Turning towards the hallway out of the ER I come face to face with another very pissed off male in her life.

  “JESUS CHRIST WOMAN I AM SO FUCKING PISSED AT YOU! YOU CANNOT CALL ME, WAKE ME FROM SLEEP AND SAY THAT SHIT THEN HANG UP ON ME!. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?” A screaming Ace, shit. Like my ears didn’t just hear this same damn spiel, words nearly exact. How the hell am I the bad guy for just wanting to inform these people? Damn!

  “Oh hell no. Calm the hell down and get a grip, Ace. I was in kind of a hurry considering my best friend was on the floor, I had just gotten off the phone with 911, and I was already second guessing my decision to call you when you answered like a fucking boor. Excuse me for getting to the point you asshole!” Yeah, I’m pissed at the world and Ace is the current port for relief.

  He stops and grips the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right. Where is she though? What happened? She okay? Where are they taking her? Have you called him?” Holy crap Ace, slow down!

  “Stop stop stop. Let me talk for a second. Yes, she’s alright as far as I can tell. She’s already here, they are working on her now acting like there is no immediate danger but I’m no doctor Ace, so I can’t tell you much more. I found her on the floor in bathroom. The him you refer to, I assume is HEM and do not be around her or even talk in front of her with your snarky attitude. She’s talking to him on the phone now.”

  “Have they left? Are they on the way back? Mace, I have a bad feeling. I want to see her. Take me to her.” He’s really sick with worry, but this isn’t anything from him I haven’t seen before regarding her.

  “Fine, but you have to promise me and I mean it. Really promise me that you won’t upset her, talk to her about your feelings, or upset Hem when he gets here whenever that happens.”

  “Stop wasting my time! All of those things you need a ‘promise’ for, well they all would end up with her hurt. I would never hurt her and you know it! So take me to her now, please!”

  Gees, he’s right. Now I feel bad. Doesn’t matter because I’m the best friend I have to protect her from those around her sometimes and now is that time.

  They have already admitted her for observation and moved her to her own room. Ace and I walk in and the doctor is talking to her. He’s asking her so many questions so that they can start to pinpoint how this happened. She’s sitting up and she has some color in her face now. My phone is on the bed so to get it out of the way I reach for it but she grabs my hand tightly so I can’t take it back.

  “Can I keep it for now? I’m waiting for Hem to call me back. He promised he would call me every 60 miles or so. He knows I’m worried. I don’t have my phone, Mace. Is that okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay.” Finally she sees Ace behind me. She moves her head around me so she can see him better. I don’t know if they have seen each other since that night but if not, she’s going to be shocked.

  “Your hair. Oh my god, Ace. You have hair. Brown hair and lots of it! C’mere and let me touch it.” Even sick, she’s such a little nerd.

  Ace walks to her slowly never breaking eye contact with her and he’s smiling the cutest and shyest smile I’ve ever seen on him. She seriously turns this man upside down and inside out. My heart hurts for him, I know what it’s like to want someone in such a way but they don’t want you back. Again, this loneliness and fear is eating at me. I know this isn’t about me but I miss Shame so much.

  He walks right to her without hesitation and with his size he takes up the entire side of her bed. “Heya Sadey bug. How you feelin’? You look fine to me. Were you being dramatic so you could ride in a car with lights flashing?” He’s grinning at her in attempts for her to relax and of course, it’s working.

  How in the world this woman can be effected by two men that are so opposite I will never know. Goes to show though, not all women have a specific type when it comes to a man.

  “I’m better now.” She grabs his hand that is resting at his side. I see him try to retract it quickly but her touch affects him and he can’t resist.

  “I’m so glad you’re here. You look good and not just your hair. I was worried after, ya know, that maybe you wouldn’t heal this much so fast but you have. I’m glad. I’m sorry for what happened. You can’t talk to Hem like that. He and I are together now, Ace. He doesn’t mistreat me at all, I promise. Thank you for standing up for me though, even if I didn’t need it.”

  She takes his hand and brings it to her mouth and kisses it. Ace’s legs start to give, I can see this. His face studies her lips as they stay on his hand longer than expected. God, the woman is torturing this man. She really truly has no idea how he feels about her.

  Quick thinking leads me to slam a chair that is just out of his reach into the back of his knees to catch him. He looks to me and nods in thanks and sits next to her bed. She keeps hold of his one hand with both of hers now, his hand sits in the middle of hers while resting on the bed. Shit, now I’m really sad for Ace. I even feel like I’m being tortured and I’m only having to watch this.

  “So, other than gathering some information from you, have they said anything about what they think caused this?” I say, trying to keep the room busy with conversation.

  “No. Doctor Rude wants to take blood still. They need to take my blood pressure every hour because it seems to be very ‘erratic’.” She uses air quotes and rolls her eyes as she enunciates the doctor’s words. “One time they take it then it’s too high, then next time it is too low. I think their machine is broke.” She sounds educated, it’s funny because I know my BFF watches as much of McSteamy as I do and as little of the actual program as possible.

  Ace has been watching her intently, hanging on every word and making sure she’s done talking before he says anything again. “Good. I’m not leaving okay? I can sleep over there on the couch if I get tired but I’m not leaving you. Or I can sleep in this chair and you don’t have to let go of my hand so you’re not scared. Mace can take the couch because I’m sure she’s not going to leave me alone with you. I mean, you know, she’s not going to leave you.”

  Nice catch you dumbass but hell no I’m not leaving you alone with her, even if the sad sap is chained to a bed with tubes and machines. Hem would kick both our asses, you are still on probation with him pal.

  “Thank you so much, I’m better but I’m scared. I wish Hem were here. I swear I don’t remember anything. I thought I remembered that he was in the shower, but he’s gone. I don’t know.” She is starting to sound tired and confused.

  “Honey, we are all tired. How about we all catch just a few minutes of sleep. It’s only 7 o’clock in the morning so we have all day to wait for Hem and this will help us pass some time, okay?”

  I can see she agrees immediat
ely because she instantly relaxes and leans her head back, eyes closed, then she’s out.

  I look at Ace, he and I are having a silent conversation while both of us look to his hand as she clutches it even in sleep. I’m warning him that it has to stay right there in hers and nowhere else. He gives me a scowl as if to tell me to mind my own business, but he promised me and I’m making him hold that promise. He heard what the doctor said and if her blood pressure is in question then Ace needs to suck it up or go home. I grab the phone from her bed, since she finally let go of it to grab onto Ace. I make my way towards the couch at the other end of the room so I can close my eyes as well. I’m so tired. Sending a quick text to Peyton, telling her I won’t be there this morning or tomorrow, I lay down and get comfortable. I’m asleep almost immediately.

  Mumbles have filled the room. I look at my phone to check the time, shit I’ve missed 4 calls! Damn! I look at the time and holy crap, it’s almost noon. Double damn! All the calls are from Hem and I bet that man is fuming at me.

  Then I hear it. All was quiet just moments ago, but then I hear the news and I want to go back to sleep immediately because Sadey’s reaction scares me sick. I could not have heard right, please no.

  “Doctor umm no. You’ve got my tests wrong. You’ve got someone else’s file. I cannot be pregnant. I cannot be a mother right now. You don’t understand, Hem and I... we are working things out. We are happy. A baby would... oh god no... he will hate me.”

  After she says this, Ace is on his feet in fury. He’s running his hands over his now crew cut length hair. He’s angry. Sadey is pregnant, so of course he’s pissed. I think the reality that she is really with Hem has finally hit him and it is overwhelming him right in front of my eyes.

  My mind starts to work and now I need to release some frustration on Ace’s behalf. “Why in the hell did you just tell a room full of people about her having a baby?” I’m so pissed, what the hell happened to privacy? Because of this stupid on call doctor I’ve got a whole lot of shit to deal with and I’ve not even had the indulgence of my morning cup of Joe!