Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  My phone chooses then to ring, of course it is Hem. Why wouldn’t it be? Damn damn. I slide to ignore. He knows how this works and he’s going to freak out on me. I hit mute on the ringer because now that I’ve done that, he won’t stop calling.

  “I apologize Ms. Cash I was under the impression this was family. Are you not the father?” He looks to Ace with a questioning stare. Shit, open wound and insert more salt.

  “No, I’m her friend. I love her sure, but I’m her friend just the same.” Wow Ace, way to get that jab in there at a completely inappropriate time. Sneaky bastard.

  “Doctor, you need to go out there and find my file and fix it. I am not pregnant! I fainted remember? That’s why I’m here? Hello? If I’m only just pregnant then why did I faint? One isn’t related to the other.” Yep, my Sadey, this is what McSteamy does to a girl. All common sense and medical knowledge leaves the building. Gah!

  “Ma’am yes, it is true that you did come into the ER in an ambulance because you fainted. After many tests that were performed after your arrival, it has been established that your blood pressure varies dramatically in short spans of time. It has also been concluded that what finally caused your episode was that you had experienced a rapid drop in blood pressure. This is not entirely uncommon in pregnancy, especially the first trimester. I’m definitely not an expert in this, so we are going to have someone come for you to do a full pelvic exam so we know how far along you are and if there are any complications. Until then, you rest and we are going to see about letting you leave here this evening, depending on your progress throughout the day and how well your body responds to treatment and rest.”

  She says nothing. She’s in tears so I know she’s not holding together well. Ace moves back to her and sits on the bed. He wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her to him. She grabs his shirt chanting through tears, “I’m not pregnant, I’m not I’m not I’m not.” I look at him holding her, neither of us know what to say so we let her cry it out until she can compose herself again. This takes a while.

  When she does finally stop crying and starts talking, Ace and I are stunned hearing what comes out of that beautiful mouth. “I’m not telling Hem. You are not telling him either, okay? I mean it, neither of you are saying anything about this to anyone. It is only between us. I hate to use this against you guys but if either of you love me at all, you will keep this quiet.”

  Ace lets go of her and stands up, he’s on same side bed as I am and we are standing next to each other looking down at her like this time she’s really lost her mind.

  He reaches to her giving her a comforting touch as he moves her hair behind her ear. “Sadey bug, you can’t just keep this from him.” He runs his fingertips across her forehead now, keeping his touch on her. He continues and botches the comforting streak he had going though, as only a man can. “You know you’re just going to keep getting bigger, right?” Jesus Ace, just say it. She’s going to be growing a Goddamn watermelon in there. This man is nuts, seriously.

  I need to stop his ridiculous attempts at calming my dear friend. “Sadey, you have to tell Hem. Not only because it’s the right thing to do because he’s the father but because you need some support right now. You are obviously not okay with this news honey, and you and I both know that Hem calms you.”

  “No. He won’t want it. Then he won’t want me. I’m not ready to let him go, Mace. Come on, I just got him! Promise me please, both of you right now, promise me you are going to let me deal with this my own way. Please help me keep him for just a while longer. I will tell him when I’m ready but please you guys I’m not ready to say goodbye to him yet.”

  Damn. Hem should know but keeping it from him for just a few weeks shouldn’t hurt an already bad situation, I hope.

  “Okay, alright, Sadey bug. But you know he’s my brother and my Pres. I have to tell you that although I love you, I am only giving you four weeks to tell him. That’s the best I’m going to do here. I’m sorry but if you haven’t told him by then, I will.” Very grown up and diplomatic answer, Ace! Friggin genius.

  “I agree and I’m with you and Ace on this. We will keep this quiet for you but honey, you do not need four weeks to talk to him. I think Hem will surprise you. He loves kids and he will be so happy when you tell him he’s going to be a daddy.”

  “No Mace. He won’t but if a month is all I have with them then I’m taking it. Sorry to put you guys in middle of this. God, how did this happen? Why did this have to happen, now?” She’s ashamed and sad.

  I can sense Ace tensing a bit as he tells her goodbye. “I’ve got to take off now that I know you are okay. I’m going to run and shower, check on the Club and come back in a little bit. Do you need anything from home or anywhere else? I can bring you anything you need, Bug.” God he’s so so sweet.

  “No, but thank you and thank you for being here for me.” Ace glares at me, and I don’t understand why until the bastard bends down and kisses Sadey on her cheek, then her forehead and whispers goodbye almost intimately in her ear. Do you think she would catch that little act of silent seduction? Hell no, Miss Oblivious is lost in her own mind right now. Damn that sneaky little shit! I glare back as he half smiles back at me and walks out of the room.

  *****

  I’m sitting outside Sadey’s room, it’s already 8 p.m. She’s sleeping and Ace has already come back and gone again, she insisted he leave citing he looked exhausted and promised him she would let him visit tomorrow, and stay all day if he wanted. Her blood pressure isn’t stable enough to let her go tonight so she’s staying here again tonight to give the doctors a chance to stabilize it.

  The walls in her room were starting to close in on me. The beeping of her monitors resembled the moments of my life slipping away. I’m overwhelmed. I can’t remember a time recently that I’ve had a moment of absolute peace that I didn’t feel like I was getting pulled or pushed into something. I want to get lost in a moment again, to just not feel so scared and alone. The dread that I really am alone has been eating at me for weeks, if I’m honest with myself it isn’t alone I’m afraid to be as much as I am afraid to be without Shame. God I miss him so much. Everything is just falling down around me and I can’t stop it. My mom, the news of Greyson in that article, now Sadey here and with a pregnancy, of all diagnosis. I haven’t even thought to celebrate the fact I’m going to be an Aunt.

  Finally I give in, I let the tears fall without wiping them away. I’m hoping that if I let it all go out here in the hall that I won’t slip in front of Sadey. She needs me right now to see her through this. It strikes me as odd that she thinks she would lose Hem, over a baby. I’ve not even questioned how this happened. Sadly though, knowing my brother and his limit of patience, I’m sure protection never ever entered his sex greed mind. She had never even had sex before. In the past it is apparent that he was thinking of protecting himself from disease but what about pregnancy? Dammit Hem do you ever think before you act? Too late now.

  I gather myself quickly, I only had intended to allow myself 15 minutes to get it together. I laugh silently to myself and thank the heavens I’m not that ugly of a crier as Sadey. My fluids don’t just come rushing out like hers do. Standing now I make my way towards Sadey’s room but I’m stopped in motion and my heart skips a beat.

  Shame stands there, leaning against the door jamb. He has his hands in pockets and his head tilted to the side in thought as he had watched me. I know he has to have been standing there for some time because I can see his face reflects sadness for me.

  “Hi.” I say it like I’m broken.

  We haven’t seen each other since Saturday and have only spoken to him briefly through text and then a quick call. I don’t think he was ready to see me like this, I was stronger on the phone. I was thankful to him even.

  He looks me up and down slowly, knowing I’m waiting for a response from him. I’ve missed him so much that my instinct is in control and I start to walk towards him and at the same time once I reach him I move my ar
ms in front of me in an upward motion warning him that I’m about to grab him around the neck. He finally moves and he’s standing up straight now while taking his hands from his pockets as he waits for me to get closer so he can embrace me.

  Once I’m there in his arms, I feel secure again. I’m surrounded in our cocoon once more and it is incredible. Nothing matters right now, nothing can hurt me not even him. Even with all things going on around me, knowing that is enough.

  “Take me home Shame, please. Help me forget for just a little while. Even if it means nothing to you. I just need to get lost and not think about all this crumbling around me. I miss you, God I miss you so much. Please help me forget.” I can hear the pleading in my voice and he says nothing in answer to my plea.

  He hasn’t said a single word to me since he saw me sitting on that chair outside her room. He puts his hand on my arms, since they are still around his neck he moves them down and away from him. He looks in my eyes and nods as he walks back into Sadey’s room, leaving me cold in the hallway. I can hear him talking to Hem quietly, not above a whisper, Sadey must still be asleep. When he comes back out, he grabs my hand and pulls me behind him leading me outside and directly to his bike.

  We are on our way back to my house now. All the way there I keep my arms securely wrapped around his body, not for safety but for comfort. Every time we stop for traffic he takes one of his hands and rests it against mine, reassuring me that I’m going to be okay. He still has not uttered a word to me so other than his looks of pity and concern I don’t know what he’s thinking. I can imagine he’s probably still hurt because I left him the way I did the night at the club but if he is, he’s not taking anything out on me.

  Once home I open the door and see the furniture moved around. I had forgotten the medics had helped move it so they could get Sadey out of there quickly. I sigh remembered how scared I had been. Shame comes up from behind me and pulls me to him as he always does, his back to my front and his arms secure at my waist with this face in my neck. It feels familiar, exactly what I’ve been longing for.

  “Mace, I’m going to do as you asked me to do. Yes baby, I will help you forget everything. We aren’t going to talk about anything right now, except that I want you to know when we are done we will have to talk. I can’t do this knowing we won’t, outcome good or bad I just know there are things unsaid and I can’t go weeks again without talking them through with you. If you agree to that, then I’m going to carry you to your bedroom and do to you exactly what you’ve asked.”

  I nod in response. I don’t want to agree to a discussion with him but he’s giving me no choice. I can listen to what he has to say and I guess I have things to say as well. More than anything though, I just want him to take me with him to our place. That place we built where we would get so wrapped up in each other that there are no outsiders and the world is ours, forever.

  He pushes me forward with his body a bit, asking me without words to lead him to my bedroom. He wants me to take initiative on this because in fairness, this was my idea. He is letting me have control because knowing me so well, he knows I feel I no longer have control over anything.

  We are in my room, he goes for my bedside lamp and tries to turn it on but I get there with him first, “No. No light. No distractions.” I’m pleading with my eyes to just let me have this in darkness without thought or possible remorse.

  He pushes my hand away from his as it sits on the lamps switch. “Sorry but I’m not giving you that. If you want me to fuck you, I get it. But Mace, I want you to see who it is that is fucking you. I’m not going to be a nameless face to you, ever. If you wanted that then you should have asked someone else. I don’t fuck you without emotion so either light stays on or this doesn’t happen.”

  His face is tight and I’m realizing too late that he’s dead serious. His eyes are hard and his jaw is working and I know it’s because he had just suggested I have sex with another man, I can tell that thought is as unbearable to him as it is to me.

  “Okay, Shame. Just you and I. It’s just us.” After I say this I can see his face immediately relax.

  “Take your clothes off, I’m going to run you a shower and make you something to eat. You haven’t eaten and I can see the exhaustion running through you. I’m not going to be with you the way I want to be with you if I’m worried about that.”

  I’m not about to argue because he’s right. I’m exhausted. “Okay.”

  I could use a shower and something to eat. It was a long day and when the doctor told Sadey she wasn’t going home today her hysterics went off the chart even for Sadey, so I couldn’t leave her room, not once to even grab a shower.

  Forty five minutes later, I feel almost new. I’m showered and I’ve eaten. Shame made me eat a bit of each food from my plate of cheese, grapes, and crackers. Looking at him now, as we sit here in my room on my bed, I know he’s going to be such a good dad someday. Thinking about Sadey and her reaction to her news made me sad for Hem. I think he’s going to be overjoyed, wish he didn’t have to wait to find out. It isn’t fair to him and she needs to tell him sooner than later.

  “Where are you, Sweetheart? You’re a million miles away from me. If you have changed your mind about us tonight, it’s okay. I can go, or I can stay and just hold you. Whatever you need, I’m right here.” As he moves the hair off my forehead and to the side he keeps talking. “There’s never any pressure for us to be anything you don’t want us to be. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when that happened with Sadey and that you went through that with her alone.”

  I roll my eyes in comfort. His touch gives me relief and I’m so tired after my shower and meal. He must sense that because he stands up, takes off his clothes except for his boxers then lifts me and pulls on the strings of my robe, pushes it off my shoulders and he lets it fall to the floor. I’m exposed completely but don’t have time to contemplate that. Scooping me up, he carries me to my side of the bed and tucks me in. Then he gets in on the other side and lays down, reaching his arm out to pull me into him. Almost instantly I’m so relaxed I fall asleep.

  I wake some time later feeling rested. I slept soundly in his arms last night, we didn’t change position once in the night. I feel him behind me, his breathing isn’t steady so I know he’s awake. I get up without looking at him and he releases me. I need to use the bathroom, sleeping for 10 hours has caused the urgency that I won’t ignore. I also need to brush my teeth. I’m that girl, that one girl everyone knows that won’t let anyone see her in the morning with bed head or smell her nasty morning breath.

  Coming back into the room I see he hasn’t moved a muscle. He’s comfortable here in my house and in my bed. It is fluent and feels emblematic to both of us, even though right now we both know we are anything but ordinary. I crawl back to my spot that I left and is no longer warm. The chill in the air gives me an excuse to burrow closer into this chest with my back.

  “Shame?”

  “No, we aren’t talking yet. I’m going to enjoy this for just a while longer so shhh.” I take a breath and try to get his attention again but he grips my hip and keeps talking, “I’m happy here and I haven’t been happy since before the night Hem fucked everything up for me with his ego attack on Ace so stop talking cause I am taking this. I don’t know how long I have to wait until I feel this way again.” Even though he’s clinging to me here, he sounds so sad and alone.

  “Well I was going to ask you what your favorite ice cream is, because I don’t know.” I’m smiling but he doesn’t know and I said it like I was seriously inquiring.

  “Woman, do you know how to shhh? What it means to shhh? I told you the truth and now I am telling you again already, I’m happy right here so let me bottle all this happy because when I’m not with you, I’m so not happy.”

  I hesitate because I still hear his sadness but I continue. “So then I’m guessing your favorite has got to be strawberry cause its pink, isn’t it? Or cherry? Oh god it is cherry! You are a sick man Shame.” I giggle at the
idea of him liking ‘cherry’ and know he’s thinking the same thing about the insinuation of who ‘Cherry’ is. I also accuse him of something ludicrous because he’s given me no reply and I’m relieved that I can feel his smile on the crown of my head and then I hear him inhale my scent. I didn’t think this through. When I wanted to get lost last night I didn’t think how crippling this would be for us.

  “No Mace. It isn’t cherry. Get your head out of the gutter.” He is coming back to me now, the playful and easy Shame.

  “Then, what’s your favorite ice cream?” I’m pressing because now I’m just curious.

  “Do you really want to talk about ice cream?” He pauses as he lifts his head to look at my alarm clock. “At 7:30 a.m.? “

  “Yes, I do. I want to know. I’ve known you for 17 years and I don’t know this about you. Just indulge me, you big tree!” Name calling, how sexy.

  “Vanilla.” He says straight out like he’s discussing the weather. I can’t help but laugh. The thought of this big, tattooed and beautifully exotic man liking just plain old vanilla ice cream, literally has me wanting to roll over laughing.

  “You’re laughing at me. That’s really not nice.” He sounds soft and serious but I can hear his smile through his words.

  “Then who is your favorite band? Vanilla Ice?” I bust out in humor. I may as well keep this little ‘get to know’ meet going.

  “Are you done laughing at me? Because now it’s my turn lady.” Again he grips my hips and I can’t see him because he’s behind me. He lets out a sigh that I feel into my neck. “Let me see. What do I want to know about my Mace?” He pauses in thought again, then continues. “I have one, what’s your favorite position?”