The Question Is

by Kenna Shaw Reed

  “Grace, while I appreciate you wanting to tell me all this – we are over. Seriously, I can’t forgive you for this. We talked every day – and even when you knew how I felt about you.”

  “I’m sorry, I know I hurt you.”

  “That’s crap – you don’t know anything about me. For a start how many relationships do you think I’ve had since you ran away to university? Two and both self destructed because no matter how perfect they were, they couldn’t live up to my memory of you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not going to happen again.”

  “Seth, when I said that I love you it was the truth. But until I sorted out my relationship with Sienna, I wasn’t free to love you in the way you deserve.”

  “Oh, you love me, but …”

  “I should have walked away after the reunion, but I couldn’t. When you rang and needed my help – I couldn’t say ‘no’ to you. I’ve never been able to resist you in any way. But getting involved with you again was cruel – to both of us – and unfair to Sienna. She hasn’t deserved any of this.”

  “You love her.”

  “I loved her for so long - she has been everything to me. We were even going away for the weekend and now I find out she was going to propose.”

  “Congratulations – I wish I could tell you that I’m happy for you.”

  People started to stare in their direction, but Grace didn’t care.

  “Believing and wanting to be pregnant was the wake up call I needed. When I thought of raising our child – I dreamt of you being at my side. I imagined a wedding and it was you at the end of the aisle placing the gold band on my finger. You – not Sienna and not some other random person.”

  “Grace, don’t bother – I told you it is too late.”

  “Seth, I can’t believe you mean that.”

  The coffee sloshed over the side as Seth pushed his cup away to stand up, “It would be easier if I could hate you as the bitch who ruined my life. The truth is, I never want to see you again. You and your company can deal with my business manager.”

  “Seth, I love you,” she called after him, wishing he would turn and give her one glance good bye.

  He didn’t.

  “Mum, it’s Grace. Can I come home for the weekend?”

  “Darling, of course – but I thought you were going away with Sienna.”

  “I didn’t end up going with her.”

  “Is everything okay? I heard rumors.”

  “What sort of rumors.”

  “That you and Seth were back together. I must say Sienna surprised us when she called.”

  “Mummy,” Grace started to cry, none of her friends were talking to her, Seth hated her. She needed someone who would understand and be on her side, “Everything has fallen apart. Seth and I were together, and I got all confused and now Sienna has gone off somewhere and Seth hates me.”

  “Darling, don’t you think you need to give everyone time to think things through.”

  “I have thought about it – it’s all I’ve been thinking about since the reunion. I love Seth and need to prove to him that he can trust me again.”

  “Grace, your bedroom is exactly how you left it, but I don’t think you’ll need it.”

  “Mummy, I hope you are right.”

  First, she went home and packed some real clothes to wear – suddenly the lingerie filled drawers all seemed wrong. Even if Seth took her back, he deserved to remove clothes purchased with him in mind.

  Looking around her unit, there was very little she wanted to take. A couple of boxes of clothes and shoes. All her books and records were packed in boxes at top of the closet. Sienna never allowed her to ruin the aesthetics by displaying them. Five years of memories and nothing she wanted to take. Everything else was replaceable and could stay for Sienna to either keep, sell or throw out.

  Second, she used the time driving home to plan how to approach Seth. Only Joanne and Joe would understand and hopefully they could be convinced to help her.

  Her phone rang, and her heart jumped thinking it was Seth, “Hi mum.”

  “Grace, Sienna called.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Strange, she asked the same thing about you. Then she wanted to know if you decided to go to the resort to meet her.”

  “Mum, I can’t. I’ll try calling her to let her know where I am.”

  “I told her.”

  “You what!”

  “Grace, your girlfriend is hurting and wanted to know you were safe. I told her you are on your way home to clear your head. I didn’t tell her about Seth – you will have to do that.”

  “Thanks mum. I’m about an hour away and will drop in to see some friends first – they might have heard from him.”

  “Darling, if you come home the spare key is in the same place. If you don’t please remember all we want for you is to be happy.”

  “Thank you, mummy.” She didn’t know what to say – to anyone.

  Seth

  He and Joe were about to go jogging when Sienna dropped the bombshell on him. Once again, he found himself sitting in Joe and Joanna’s kitchen wanting to drown his sorrows in a keg of beer but settling for chilled water.

  The sun dropped behind the mountains and ever the good friend, Joanne organized Kyle to stay at a sleepover. Not that he was good company.

  “How do you feel about Grace now,” of course it would be Joanne wanting him to explore his emotions – she tried for years to get him to talk it through and get over Grace.

  “I hate her.”

  “Really – do you hate her or what she put you through?”

  “Aren’t they the same?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Joanna, I love you but back the fuck off.” He walked outside where Joe snuck a cigarette. “I thought you quit.”

  “So does the lovely Joanne. We’ve got a ‘don’t ask and don’t tell’ policy happening now.”

  “How’s that working for you.”

  “You tell me – did you ever ask Grace how she felt about her girlfriend? Did you ever ask about their sex life or if she loved her?”

  “You know you are being cruel.”

  “What do you expect – I’ve been here for you every step of the way. She walked out of your life and you never got over her. She waltzed back in and smashed you to pieces. Did you ever ask the question, or did you have your own version of ‘don’t ask’?”

  “I didn’t want to know.”

  They looked up, concerned at the look on Joanne’s face as she came outside.

  “You have a visitor.”

  “Babe, I’m not expecting anyone – they can come back tomorrow.”

  “Not you – Seth. Grace is here,” she shrugged, “What do I say?”

  Grace

  It didn’t occur to her that Seth would be at the Jo’s place. She wanted their advice on how to approach him. Yet, here she was and so was he.

  “What the hell?” Joanne greeted her, “Seth’s here. He’s welcome and you aren’t.”

  Joanne tried to slam the door in her face, “Please, at least ask if he will see me.”

  Five, ten almost twenty minutes passed before the door opened again. “He’s outside on the deck.”

  “Thanks,” Grace started to walk through the house when Joanne grabbed her arm harshly and hissed, “If there is a single part of you that is either unsure or doesn’t love him then turn around and walk away now. He deserves better than a lying, cheating, bitch messing with him.”

  Grace rubbed her arm, “I only want one more chance. Jo, with every part of me, I will do anything and give up anything to be with him.”

  He turned towards her, his sad eyes unable to meet hers.

  Time stood still. All the words practiced in the car and while waiting outside disappeared. Faced with the man she loved, no words could convince him. Brushing past Joe who tried to stop her, she walked slowly to Seth, put her hands to his face and her lips to his.

  She kissed h
im, until he started to lose his resistance. His lips opened to hers and then his arms slowly reached around her.

  Oh, everything she wanted was in this man.

  Only when his kisses became confident did she stop, “Take me home.”

  “Where’s Darby?” she asked as they pulled up to the darkened house.

  “Away on a football trip. Crazy kid, decides he wants to kick a football one day and a couple of months later he is on the representative team.”

  “Sounds like he’s getting his life together,” Sienna pulled her suitcase out of the car.

  “Here, let me get that,” as they went inside, he turned the lights on to show furniture overturned and design magazines thrown around.

  “Burglary?” she asked.

  “Over reaction. I found out someone kept a secret from me.”

  “How can that someone ever make it up to you?” her nervous fingers intertwined with his. It was one thing to come back here and talk, another to move forward together.

  “Is it over between the two of you or am I a comfort stop.”

  Grace pressed her body to his, feeling his heart beat and his firmness grow. “I am all yours. There is no one else.”

  He walked away, opening the doors allowing the cool night air to waft through. “I wish I could believe you.”

  “Then don’t,” she said, coming up behind him, her hands around his chest. “Am I here with you now?”

  He turned, “Yes, but …”

  She stroked his chest, wanting to tear off his clothes but needing him to understand, “Then believe me in this moment. Tomorrow when I am here, believe me in that moment.”

  “What about when you go back to the city.” It only took a few minutes to turn the kindling in the cast iron drum into flames casting shadows across their faces.

  “That’s going to be harder,” he turned away and she held onto his fingers again. “The first time I go back to work you won’t believe me. The second time you might believe a little. Eventually you might even start to trust me again.”

  “What if I can’t.” He pulled away from her and shut the door as he went inside.

  Grace kicked off her shoes and paced around the backyard, feeling the dewy grass between her toes.

  When he returned, he carried a plate with sandwiches and two bottles of lemonade. “I assume you haven’t eaten.”

  She shook her head, “I might not be pregnant, but I’ve still been feeling off color.”

  “At least have something.” Seth took one of the single chairs.

  Grace asked him questions about the merger between his business and his supplier and listened as he started to relax with her again. Once upon a time they had been friends, perhaps they could start that way again.

  His eyes lit up as he talked about the staff who felt secure in the jobs.

  “A couple of them recently bought houses and were scared the business would go under.”

  “And now?” she asked.

  “Everything is going well, I’m making sure all the staff realize we are solid and even those who were thinking of leaving have signed new contracts.”

  Then he updated her on Darby, his eyes darkening when he told of the father’s court case.

  “I’m looking into being his guardian permanently,” was it a challenge for her to run away from?

  “What will he think about me being part of the package?”

  She saw his face soften, “Is that the way it is now?”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” this time she couldn’t stifle her yawn.

  “Come on then, let’s get you to bed,” he pulled her out of the chair and dosed the fire. Holding hands, they closed the house for the night and stopped in the hallway. Seth’s room on the right, the spare room next door.

  “You know, I’m only going to creep into your bed in the middle of the night,” she pulled off her shorts and bundled them onto the floor next to his hamper.

  “Grace, I’m still mad at you.”

  “Seth, for years you loved me. Now let me love you enough for both of us until you trust me again.”

  Removing her top, knowing it was a gamble. Possibly pushing things too soon, would he reject her? Standing naked in front of him, she saw the desire and also the fear in his whole body.

  “When you left the unit and then when you left me at the coffee house, I thought I had nothing. The pain of losing you was more than I expected.” Tentatively, she took a step towards him. He didn’t back away. “I drove here not knowing if you would ever forgive me, but when I saw your face at Joe’s I saw it,” she pulled his shirt over his head. “Working through the pain and fear and everything else we will have to do is better than the pain of us being apart.”

  She never felt more vulnerable or opened herself so completely to anyone. Years ago, she walked away from him, allowing them both to move on with their lives. Now she wanted everything she gave up.

  The lightest touch of his hands on her hips and she felt the tremors down his arms. The softness of his lips against hers. She resisted all urges to meld her body to his. He was still fighting within himself.

  Tonight, was completely different than the night of the reunion when they were both a little drunk and caught up in the moment of “remember when”. Tonight was the coming together of two people who loved each other enough to be scared.

  His tongue started to play with hers and she undid his pants, feeling for him. At least one part of him already trusted her.

  Grace started to drop to her knees, wanting to give him the selfless act of love she knew he desired. Instead, he held her firm, “I want all of you,” their kisses grew with urgency as they made their way to his bed.

  Seth lay her down and started licking and nibbling at her inner thighs, working his way to her mound. One lick of her bud and he moved on top of her. Grace’s body screamed for him to fill her. All she wanted – all she would ever want.

  She held him as he moved her legs apart, massaging him as he devoured her neck. As he entered her she knew without any hesitation that she was finally home.

  “I love you,” she cried with every thrust watching him fight his inner demons. “I love you,” as unable to resist him any longer, she shuddered to her climax.

  “Marry me,” the only words he said before he too succumbed.

  Sienna

  “You’re looking good,” Sienna handed over the box of baby photos Grace left behind. Damn it, she looked amazing. Glowing. No sign of walking away from a five-year relationship with regrets or tears.

  “Thanks for meeting me, and thanks for the photos. I can’t believe I left them behind.”

  “Amazing what you can walk away from and not realize,” she couldn’t help the bitterness.

  “Sienna, I’m sorry. For everything. I loved you and never wanted to hurt you.”

  “And yet, here we are.”

  “Can I buy you a coffee or something?”

  “Sure,” Sienna watched Grace get the waitress’ attention and order one coffee and one fresh juice with toast. “Not drinking coffee any more?”

  “I’ve lost the taste for it. Seth thinks …”

  “Really!” Sienna cut in, “I don’t want to know what Seth thinks.”

  “Sorry.” Again, they sat in silence. Sienna thought back to all their breakfasts together, laughing, not wanting the day to pull them apart. How many times did they end up back in bed, missing classes while making love.

  “I don’t regret us, I wouldn’t change one thing,” Grace tried to take her hand.

  “Don’t touch me,” Sienna snapped. “You don’t get to touch me and pretend like we can go back to being friends.”

  Their drinks arrived, and Grace stirred the froth away from the top of her juice before sipping it. No froth left around her lips for kissing away.

  “Before our first time, I was scared this would happen.”

  “Me too,” Sienna remembered the fear of losing her best friend.

  “I kept wanting to kiss you, feel w
hat it would be like being with you. But what if it all went wrong. I didn’t want to lose your friendship.”

  “Yeah, well at least we had five years.”

  “I don’t know how to live without you in my life.”

  “You don’t need me, you have him. Just go, be happy and start planning all those kids you both want.”

  “Sienna …” Grace pleaded as she finished her drink.

  “Really, we don’t have to do this. You made your choice the moment you slept with him. It took me a while to catch up, but I get it now. Princess Gracie needs her prince, not another princess.”

  “I loved you.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying. So, when are the wedding bells?” Sienna threw out the question sarcastically, never expecting the response.

  “He asked me.”

  “Fuck. Of course, he did.”

  Grace took out a paper ring from her bag and put it back on her left hand. “I know it’s too much for you to be happy for me, but I wanted you to know. He asked me, I said ‘yes’ and after we sort out the guardianship papers for Darby, we’ll set the date.”

  Her heart was breaking into thousands of shards of glass. Sitting opposite the woman she changed her life for, the memories of their life together flashing past.

  This new Grace, the woman radiating with love and marriage and motherhood was not the same Grace she fought with for months. Each wanting a different future, without losing each other.

  Grace made her choice, now it was up to Sienna to love her enough to let her go, and find her own future, without compromising on what she wanted.

  “I guess my invitation will get lost in the mail,” a forced smile until Grace laughed.

  “I was thinking chief bridesmaid, with a big fluffy dress.”

  “I wouldn’t want the groom to think he got the wrong girl,” their first laugh.

  “Oh, Sia. I’m going to miss you.”

  Any words were trapped in her throat. Anger turned to hurt turned to laughter and now back to the numbing thought of never seeing Grace again. She had two cards in her bag, not knowing which one to hand over until right now.

  Placing it on the table, she left, forcing herself not to look back and see Grace open the card. On the cover, a photo of them on scooters in Bali, happy and the perfect couple. Inside, was a photo of Seth and Grace at the reunion with her handwritten words to Dolly Parton’s song made more famous by Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Love You.”