Dreamlander

by Samantha Liddell

  I had been watching the raindrops drip for some time now. I was becoming restless. I had been left alone long enough that I was ready for somebody to come back now and answer the questions I had come up with in the time since Scott had left. I also wanted to see Polly and Leah. I had been away from them for over six months yet it felt like I had only just seen them yesterday. None of this made any sense still and the more I tried to work it out in my own head the more confused and angry I got. Getting declined from my very own boyfriend wasn’t helping with my mood either. Was he even my boyfriend? I asked myself. Of course he was, I reassured myself. Everybody is just playing a mean trick on me. Maybe it was April fool’s day. I then realised I actually had no idea what day of the week it was or even what month we were in.

  The door to my room slowly opened. I turned around in anticipation of seeing Scott there. I had missed him, I was longing for his touch, for the way he used to look at me and that wink of the eye he used to do that would send Goosebumps shooting around my entire body, but much to my disappointment it was just a duty nurse coming in to check my vitals.

  Where was my Scott? This joke was no longer funny. I just wanted him to take me home where we could spend the night together in my broken bed that had collapsed from the weight of Scott and I, along with Polly, Leah, Sophie and James only a few days ago after we had a welcome home gathering in my bed after being in Cairns.

  As the duty nurse continued to check my vitals, I caught sight of Scott through the glass window of my door. He was deep in conversation with a doctor outside in the corridor. I wondered what they were talking about. Every so often they would look over in my direction as if they were talking about me. The duty nurse handed me some pills to take, with a glass of water to swallow them down with. She did inform me what they were for, but I was more focused on what was happening outside my room to listen. As she left and walked out of the door Scott walked back in.

  “Right Letticia, how are you feeling?” Scott asked ever so professionally. I was getting rather sick of his professional manner; I just wanted my old Scott back.

  “Confused and to be honest a little over this joke. Is there a camera somewhere, am I on one of those candid camera programs?” I asked. Scott pulled a chair up beside my bed; he was still holding his clipboard and looking very important, too important. I must say he didn’t suit this look, this wasn’t the Scott I knew. Scott was a businessman, he was a foodie, and he was a caterer.

  Scott cleared his throat. “Right well I’m sure you have a lot of questions, if you feel up to it I’m happy to answer them for you.”

  “In that case please tell me why I’m in here and what happened?”

  “Letticia you were in a car crash on your way home from work almost seven months ago. You got pushed off the road and into a stone wall. You suffered a major head injury; your memory will be affected for a while, but it will not be permanent.”

  “No, how can that be, Scott? Like I said I have been in Scotland for the last six months, you should know this because you were there too.”

  Scott looked confused and shocked but as I looked into his eyes, I saw belief and understanding deep inside. On the outside though Scott was still playing the professional recovery nurse and keeping to the procedures of his role. Scott decided to end the conversation there. “Well, that’s probably enough for today Letticia, just little bits at a time. Tomorrow your husband Paul, and Polly and Leah are coming to visit you. They were all very excited when they had found out the good news that you were awake.”

  Scott expected excitement and gratefulness to come out of my mouth, and it was there for the fact I was seeing my two daughters tomorrow. But seeing Paul I didn't understand. I abruptly said, “My husband, what husband Scott? I no longer have a husband?” Scott patted my arm and it felt like it was done in pity once again. I did not like it one bit. I pulled my arm away quickly before he could pat it another time.

  “It is perfectly normal to have memory loss and confusion Letticia after what you have just gone through.”

  I could feel myself getting angry through frustration. Why was nobody listening to me? I thought. I decided to make it very clear: “I have no husband Scott because we are separated. We took a six-month break while I went to Scotland and when I returned with you, yes you, Scott, well then Paul and I decided to end our relationship. He has a new partner called Shelia, so mark my words Scott I do not want to see him.”

  Scott nodded his head. “Understood Letticia.” He backed out of the room as fast as he possibly could, with a look of pure shock plastered all over his very perfect Scottish face.

  It was getting late, Scott wouldn’t be back until the morning, so I decided to try and get some sleep. It had been a very long, emotional, and confusing day.

  Chapter Three

  Let the truth be told

  The next morning was rehab morning. Scott and another male nurse - about the same age as Scott, but not at all as hot, sexy, or as Scottish as my Scott - helped me out of bed and into a wheelchair. I was able to walk but did not have enough strength in my legs to walk unaided after being in bed for the last 6 months or so.

  It was hard to see Scott as just my nurse and not my lover while he was picking me up and supporting me, encouraging me through my rehab sessions. I decided I needed to focus on myself if I was ever going to get out of there, instead of trying to convince Scott that I had indeed travelled to Scotland and I had met him on my way on the flight over, and we were indeed lovers.

  Every inch of my being still believed it and once I was out of this hospital, I was going to prove it. Or at least get some answers.

  Later that day I had a visit from Polly and Leah. My parents brought them in for a few hours and Scott stuck to his word by respecting my request for Paul not to visit me. Polly and Leah lay on my bed with me as they flicked through the TV channels, while my parents and I listened to Scott.

  “Well, it’s good news. Letticia is doing really well and the doctors think she will be out of the hospital in the next week or so. We will create a recovery program that she will need to continue to do at home.” Scott then asked, “And home is where, Letticia? Will you be going back to your parents’ or back to your own home with Paul?”

  I could feel the anger building inside me again. “Scott, we have been through this, Paul and I are separated. We are not together. Home is back at my own house with you, Polly and Leah remember?” I said. My mother froze then brought her hand up to her mouth which was wide open. She was in shock and confused. My dad put his arm around her to comfort her – he too was just as confused and just as in shock.

  Scott reassured them both that it is perfectly normal for coma patients to wake up confused and not to worry. Scott had never witnessed such an extreme case of identity confusion in a coma patient before, though. Deep down he knew there was some truth to my accusations.

  Just then the door opened and in came two other people. I recognised them both. One was Sophie, my cousin from London that I had hired to be my nanny in Scotland. The other face took a while to register but it came to me. It was that P plater, the surfer guy with the greasy hair I had been stuck next to on the Bruce highway just over six months ago. Why was he here visiting me? I wondered.

  Mum came out of her frozen, shocked state and welcomed them into the room. “Letticia this is your cousin Sophie and her new boyfriend James.” I looked at them for a moment or two. Sophie looked just the same as the last time I saw her. She had been in my room, sitting on Scott's suitcase and had discovered the ring Scott was about to give me.

  But this was not the same James I knew back in Scotland, or in Australia. This was not Sophie’s boyfriend. I couldn’t help myself, I just blurted it out: “That’s not James, that’s the surfer guy I was stuck next to on the Bruce highway on my way to work.”

  Scott decided that now was the time to explain the whole story. “Letticia, this is that same James. He is indeed a surfer and a P plater who was stuck beside you in rush hour traf
fic that morning on the Bruce highway. Now he does remember seeing you that morning on your way to work. He said you were very animated in the car, yelling. At first he thought you were talking to yourself but then he realised you were on speaker phone talking to somebody.”

  “Um, yeah, yes that was what I was doing,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to look any crazier than I already did. Truth be told, I had in fact been having a conversation with myself about finding the courage to pack up and leave for Scotland.

  I could see each pair of eyes upon me showing pity and worry for my state of mind. Scott continued. “Now this is where it gets awkward, maybe we should take Polly and Leah out of the room while we discuss the rest?” he suggested. He buzzed for a duty nurse to come and collect them and look after them down in the waiting room play area.

  Scott continued once the girls had left the room. “You see Letticia, that same day as you were driving home from work, James was also driving back from a day’s surfing at the beach. Only hours earlier there had been an oil leak on the road, and it had not been cleaned up completely. Scott drove through it and lost control, crashing into the back of your car at full speed and pushing you off of the road and into a stone wall. You see Letticia you never did make it home that day. James came out with just a few scratches and bruises. He visited you while in the hospital and that is where he met Sophie. Sophie had come out to Australia on the first flight possible once she heard what had happened, to help look after Polly and Leah. Now they are a couple and are very much in love.”

  Scott, along with everybody else, waited for my response after what he had just revealed to me. I very much wanted to say “nonsense, you don’t know what you are talking about.” But I noticed the look on all of their faces, and I did, in fact, understand that what I was thinking and saying must be hard for them all to believe. I had a feeling that if I didn't tone down my accusations I wouldn't be getting out of here anytime soon. But coma or no coma, crash or no crash, I did go to Scotland in some shape or form and Scott was right there with me. I could see slight belief in his eyes which he was trying very hard to hide.

  I thought back to what Scott had just said:I never made it home that day. That was the day I was planning on telling Scott my Scotland idea and how I wanted a six-month trial separation from Paul. If what Scott was saying had any truth, then that very hard conversation that needed to be had was never had, and Paul and I were in fact still very much together. What I thought was my past life was very much still my present life. But I’d had a taste of what my future life could be, the life with Scott was the life I wanted, the very life I had been chasing for some time now. I couldn’t go back to my past life with Paul. I had done the grieving, I had worked through the processes of leaving a relationship whether I was conscious or not. Going back would be life shattering and a complete and utter mistake.

  Chapter Four

  Leaving hospital

  I had been in hospital now for just over three weeks since waking up from my coma - or was it since returning from my travels in Scotland? I still wasn’t convinced which one it was yet.

  I decided to play it cool with Scott and to stop throwing myself at him, trying to convince him we were together and in a relationship while in Scotland. Doing so had resulted in Scott starting to open up to me a bit more. He told me how all my friends and family had told him how much of an Outlander fan I was. He, on the other hand, had never even heard of it before! Shock horror I thought, how is that even possible? It is only the number one bestselling novel and tv series ever, and he calls himself Scottish.

  He told me how he would come down and sit beside me most nights on his dinner breaks and how he started watching Outlander from the very beginning just to see what all the fuss was about. He was sure that on some of the scenes where Jamie was wearing a kilt or naked, I would squeeze his hand in excitement. How much truth there was to that I wasn’t sure, but it made me laugh anyway. He even told me how he would jokily call me Sassenach during our one-sided conversations. Interesting, I thought, no wonder I was having Outlander fantasies while I was in this so-called coma.

  I was starting to come around to the fact that what everybody was saying was true. How could I have been in Scotland for the last six months and four days when I was physically laid upon a hospital bed in a coma? But a little bit of me was still not convinced, and that little bit of me had enough determination to find the answer once I was allowed to get out and go home.

  One afternoon Scott entered my room holding papers in his hands. I still had a feeling that Scott was hiding something. There was a look of belief but confusion in his eyes. I could tell he was searching for answers too, but we both put those thoughts aside and focused on my rehab for my last week in the hospital. My main goal was to get out of there so I could start investigating my Scotland coma experience, so I played the cool, calm and collected patient. It worked a treat.

  “Right lass,” Scott teased. As much as I loved that word and I loved Scott calling me that I did wish he would start calling me Sassenach like he had while in Scotland, or was it in my coma? One or the other. It just hurt not hearing him call me Sassenach anymore, as I knew he was not in love with me as he once was - if he ever was in love with me in the first place that is. I blocked the thought from my mind and decided to focus on the present.

  My last day in the hospital had arrived. Scott handed me my discharge papers to sign, along with my at-home recovery program that he had designed. He told me he would be coming to do a home visit in the next few days to check up on me and to make sure I was managing physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how I was going to cope physically or emotionally without my Scott by my side.

  I signed the papers then waited for my parents to come and pick me up. I was in a foul mood knowing I was leaving my Scott behind. Scott sat with me, waiting. We waited in silence until Scott broke it and said out of the blue, “What is your opinion on army pants: can a grown man still get away with wearing a pair?” He asked the question not necessarily to get an answer, but to see my reaction. I was taken aback but I still didn't want to risk sounding crazy and losing my cool and getting my discharge papers ripped out of my hands. I just gave him a look of ‘I know you know I know’. I knew he was hiding something. But I simply answered him by saying, “Well that depends on the occasion Scott. I would say you could get away with wearing a pair if you were going on a stakeout for instance.”

  Scott’s eyes widened in disbelief just as the door opened. There standing in the doorway, holding his keys in one hand and his phone in the other, was none other than Paul, here to pick me up. I looked at Scott, then Paul, then at Scott again. I was furious.

  Paul talked first. “I told your parents I would come to pick you up, I insisted in fact. I have no idea why you have refused to see me these last few weeks, but now I’m here you have no choice. Right, let’s get your things.” And there it was. That was the first conversation Paul had with me, his very own wife who had just woken up from a six-month coma. No hug or kiss, or “how you are feeling darling?”. So not Jamie’s style at all, I thought.

  Paul started to gather up my belongings and signed a few more papers. He went to look for my doctor to ask a few questions while I stayed in the room with Scott. “Scott don’t make me go with him I beg you, please,” I said in desperation. Tears started to form in my eyes. “Please I can’t go with him, I won’t go with him, I refuse to go with him Scott, I would much rather stay here than go with him.”

  Scott could see my fear, and the resentment and the anger I had towards Paul. Going home with Paul was like going back in time. Whether I had been awake or not I had left my husband over six months ago, and time had healed me. I had gone through all the emotions of separating; going back now would be like starting that whole process all over again. Plus I couldn’t leave Scott, he was such a big part of my life now whether he knew it or not.

  “I’m sorry Letticia, it’s out of my control. Paul is your next of kin and he has every right
to take you home,” Scott told me. Paul reentered the room, he shook Scott's hand and thanked him half-heartedly and said, “Thanks, but I shall take it from here.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me out towards the corridor and to the exit. I screamed and demanded Paul to let go of me, but he refused. I cried out Scott’s name several times and put my arms out towards him in the hope he would grab them and pull me back out from the past that was sucking me back in, but he didn’t. I could feel myself being dragged and swallowed up back into the world I had escaped from and I didn’t like it. I didn't like it one bit.

  “Sorry Letticia, I can’t, you have to go,” Scott yelled back to me. He sounded upset and powerless to do anything. While his colleagues were standing alongside him watching the whole situation unfold, Scott had to stay professional. He ensured his colleagues that I would be fine, and I was just still a little confused.

  Once outside the hospital, a flood of anger swept over me. I had just lost the man of my dreams, then I stopped and thought about it and thought: did I ever have him? Was he even mine to start with? Did I even go to Scotland with my children? Or up to Cairns with Scott for that business meeting? So many unanswered questions that I needed to be answered, but how and by who? I thought.

  I demanded Paul to drop me off at my parent’s house, where Polly and Leah were. I told him to go home and that I would be staying with them for the next few days while I sorted my head out. He joked and said, “Letticia you might need a few more days than that if that's the case.”

  I had neither the energy nor the will to react. All I knew was I couldn't be around him, he reminded me too much of my past and my past didn’t include Scott. To my greatest surprise, Paul did what I had asked and dropped me off at my parent’s house.