Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  I cover my ears and Nikki looks at me, not in the mood. “I’m not PMSing. And just because Ares is here doesn’t mean you have to treat me like shit. I’m tired of people telling me what I’m doing, okay? Leave me alone.” She rubs her clove finger and looks at the window.

  “Has your mom been fucking with you again?”

  “Oh my God!” She looks at her in disbelief. “Shut the fuck up!”

  “What’s the big deal?”

  “Family honor,” she says, quiet.

  Persephone rolls her eyes and starts talking about who knows what. Nikki holds her stomach and looks like she wants to puke. I frown and drink the last of my shake. It’s definitely not because she’s hungry; she ate most of my food.

  I sigh. “Are we gonna go now?”

  “Let me get food to take home to Dex.” She gets up and walks back to the kitchen.

  “What’s her problem?” Persephone asks, looking after her as she walks away.

  I eat the last bit of my brownie. “Maybe she’s pregnant.”

  “She’s not stupid.”

  I shrug.

  “I can’t believe you would say that.”

  I’ll never understand them.

  Chapter Five

  Nikki

  I turn on the light in the kitchen and set the food on the cluttered table. I kick my shoes off and go to my room to change. Dex is at his friend Jacob’s house. I forgot he wasn’t going to be here. I change into a soft t-shirt and cut-off sweats and stop by the bathroom to wash my face.

  When I came home from my other part-time job, I found that my mom had ransacked my room. My private things were in a pile on my bed and my drawers were open. My makeup was on the floor, broken, and she was in her room giggling with some man.

  My skin is crawling.

  It gets me every time. My stomach clenches and I want to throw up. The last time I went to the free clinic for birth control the doctor told me I have the beginning symptoms of a stomach ulcer. He gave me medicine for it and anxiety. I don’t like taking them. They make me feel like I could die in my sleep. I sold them to my coworker at the diner and paid my car insurance for the first time in months.

  I wish I didn’t give a shit what my mom calls me or does to me. She calls me a whore or says things about me and my father or Dex. She blames me for everyone leaving, and for her eventual suicide. It hurts me more than I want it to. I want to not give a flying fuck.

  I come back to the kitchen to sit and eat the food I brought home for Dex.

  Ares fed me his brownie. Oh my God. And he put his arm around me. I don’t care if it was to piss Persephone off or get closer to my boobs, it made me happy. And I want to be happy.

  My mother’s shadow walks into the kitchen and I die for a second.

  “I can only guess why you’re home so late with a whore’s smile all across your face,” she says in Russian.

  It’s like she has a sixth sense for destroying my happiness. “If you guessed because I was working then you’re right,” I reply, eating while my stomach burns. “And do whores even smile?”

  “Your car was here.”

  “Persephone took me to work and dropped me off after my shift.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I was hanging out with her.”

  “You mean you were sneaking around.”

  “Not really. I don’t have to sneak around.”

  “So you’re a brazen whore, then. If your father were alive he’d spit on you.” She spits at me.

  And that pisses me off to no end because I do the cleaning in this shithole. “My father is alive. He left because you were a brazen whore, mama, not me,” I tell her.

  She slaps my face.

  I close my eyes against the sting, cheeks turning red in indignation. But I just take it. The last time I got in a fight with her she stabbed me. “If you hit me again I’m calling the cops on you. They’ll take you in and I’ll get custody of Dexter.”

  “That will never happen. After I tell them about all the things I found in your room, the drugs, the things you did with your own father, they’ll know you’re nothing but a whore and will never let you have him. They’ll send him away. And then you’ll be stuck with me. Poor, sweet little girl. You swear you have it so bad. At least you have me. I had no one after Nikko died. No one. And look at me. I’m still here.” She walks back to her room with a bottle of vodka.

  “If you get rid of Dexter I’ll leave, mama!”

  And now she’s gone and I’m alone and afraid of the dark. I would love to get away. I have packed my bags, packed up Dexter. Right now, I am so mad and I hate her so much that I just want to go and never look back. I want to burn the house down with her in it. And the guy that’s with her. But if I did? Where would I go? Who would believe that Dexter was better off with me? It would be her word against mine, and she’s so charming. She knows exactly what to say to get what she wants.

  I throw the rest of the food away and go to my room with the light off. I crawl into bed and lose myself to fatigue.

  Chapter Six

  Nikki

  Sundays have always been my least favorite day. It would feel so good to curl into a little ball and cry and scream and sob until I fall asleep.

  Unfortunately, upon awakening I’ll be in the same damn place.

  I don’t have the will or energy to take a shower or brush my hair or anything. I put my waitress uniform back on and put my hair in a bun. I do the makeup thing but my heart isn’t in it.

  I get to the diner and find out I’m on the counter for a five-hour shift and I want to shoot myself. Why come in today? I have to deal with lousy tippers with only one fucking break.

  So lame.

  I refill coffee and stock. My happy, flirty waitress smile is on so I can get as much as I can out of all the stodgy old men I’m feeding coffee to.

  And here comes Robert, the guy Persephone runs to whenever she’s pissed at Jimmy, the one that organizes entertainment for clubs and has been trying to get me to go-go for him for the last year and a half.

  “Hello, Robert. The usual?”

  “Why are you so chipper?” he asks with his gorgeous British accent. He looks like a model with good teeth and light brown eyes almost the same shade as his skin.

  I shake my head, not able to keep the tears from forming. “Terrible day, it’s nice to see a friendly face.”

  “How nice?” he flirts.

  “Not that nice.” I grin back. I motion to his crotch and pour his coffee. “I know where that’s been.” I turn and put his order up.

  “Well, can I at least get you to dance for me?”

  “Cupcake, more coffee.” A customer down the counter holds his cup up to get my attention.

  “I can’t,” I tell Robert. I refill the guy who called me cupcake giving him the dirtiest look I can give.

  “Girl, you can make more money in one weekend than you can make in two weeks doing this job. Dancing makes you happy. You can get paid to do what you love.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t.”

  He backs off. “You know I’m going to keep trying.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you have a break?” He raises his eyebrow, inviting.

  How great would it be to give in to it and go have sex with him in his hot car? Or in some crappy hotel room; whatever he has in mind. It might be the best time I ever had. I have no reason to not have a good time and get the endorphins I need from a good hickie and a great orgasm.

  “Wow. Your wheels are turning,” he flirts.

  I laugh. Oh God it’s come to this. “Not much. I can’t say yes.”

  “It’s probably for the best,” he smiles, “although I know it’s hard.” He pops his collar, trying to give a model face.

  I sigh. “You should do that professionally.”

  Having him fill up on coffee and be here to talk to for a while makes my day go by. When he leaves, I take his fifty dollar tip and my dark mood settles back in. I wish I had a boyfriend. I w
ish I had someone I could curl up next to and listen to music with. I wish I had someone I could talk to.

  And because I’m a glutton for punishment, I end up on Persephone’s doorstep even though I know she’s not home. The rain is pouring outside and I just want to find somewhere comfortable and sleep for days.

  Ares answers the door with a guarded scowl. “Persephone’s not here.” He fills the doorway in a white undershirt stained with paint. He’s blocking my entrance with his casted arm on the doorframe. His cast is covered in paint like he’s been using it as a palette.

  I’m having such a hard time ignoring whatever this feeling is when I look at him like this. He even smells like what I need. “Is she ever? I had a rough day.” I look terrible and I’m exhausted and I have tears waiting for an excuse to fall but I can’t make myself go home. “Can I sit on the sofa and smell you?”

  He cocks an eyebrow and lets me in, leading the way to the den where he was watching SportsCenter and sketching.

  He plops on the sofa and I curl in the seat beside him, laying my head on the arm. I close my eyes because it feels so much better here.

  Safer.

  Chapter Seven

  Ares

  Jimmy has been complaining about everything since I got to the diner. He keeps on saying this place is stupid and old and looks like shit. He’s been rude to the waitress and keeps going on and on about how horrible she is.

  Nikki is pissed. This isn’t what she signed up for and it’s Persephone’s fault. She’s supposed to be her friend. They had plans to go out tonight but Jimmy invited himself along. I was deep into finishing some sketches when Persephone barged in and begged me to come with them. I could have said no, but I knew Nikki would be upset. She hates Jimmy as much as I do.

  Nikki is picking at her food, her arm across her stomach like she’s protecting it. Her face is pale and her eyes have dark circles under them. All I can think is she’s pregnant by some random guy and it pisses me off. I know I shouldn’t care and I shouldn’t want her but I do. This grant that I could be getting is making me think of so many things. Like, can I leave my family and Nikki for six months? Why is it so hard to think about leaving Nikki? Because I don’t want her to get with some guy while I’m gone?

  And why am I even thinking about this right now? I might be leaving and she needs my mom and my sister with whatever she’s going through. If our relationship changed, so would theirs.

  “What’s wrong with you? Are you anorexic or something?” I ask her, irritated and taking it out on her.

  “Do I look anorexic to you, Ares?” She glares.

  “Why are you so pissy?” She’s not skinny and she doesn’t want to be. It’s art.

  “You’re a jerk.” Her eyes are glossy with tears. “Don’t talk to me.” She turns away from me, back to playing with her food.

  “I don’t want to talk to you,” I turn my attention back to my food. This is not going well.

  “Good.”

  “Fine.” I’m hoping she’ll look at me and laugh and we can sit here and share food again.

  But instead she stands and walks away, bumping her way through tables and chairs as she goes.

  My sister is still engrossed in her conversation with Jimmy. They haven’t even noticed she left upset. I put my napkin on the table and push my chair back quietly, turning and following her.

  I push through the door and keep walking until I get to the back of the building. She’s sitting on the curb by the kitchen entrance, clove between her lips and dragging as she lights up. She takes it between her fingers and blows out the smoke. She plays with her lighter as tears fall down her cheeks.

  Her eyes are closed and she’s biting the insides of her cheeks as she hangs her head.

  I take the remaining steps to her and she braces herself as I sit next to her. She opens her eyes to look at me, guarded.

  That look is like a punch to the stomach. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

  She scoffs and looks away, hopeless.

  “Nikki,” I whisper, “you can tell me what’s wrong. Are you okay? Are you knocked up?” I hate the worried sound in my voice.

  She whips her head around and glares at me like I’m a dumbass who said the absolute worst thing anyone can say. “Are you fucking crazy? You must be completely insane. I am not, nor will I ever be, knocked up. Do I look like an idiot?”

  A laugh escapes me. The weight on my chest disappears completely.

  She studies me, watching me laugh. “You’re pretty when you smile.”

  My smile fades. “I think you’re not as monkey-like when you smile.”

  Her eyes go from warm to ice cold and she shakes her head and looks away into the darkness, taking another drag. “You always ruin it.”

  Shit.

  What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

  My breathing is heavy as I put my hand on her head and turn it so she’s looking at me. I breathe through the anticipation as I watch her reaction. She’s scared shitless that this is happening, that my hands hold her face and I can hardly breathe as I bridge the gap until our bodies touch and I look deeper into her, searching her soul for all her secrets until her eyes close and her lips part.

  “Nikki! Where the fuck are you?”

  My heart jumps with anxiety and my eyes open as my breath catches. Shit.

  Regret. That’s what’s all over her face as she pulls away and turns her head to the darkness again.

  “Nikki!” Persephone calls as her footsteps get closer.

  “Nikki,” I whisper, “talk to me.”

  She looks at me for a second. She’s trying hard to hide the heat.

  Fuck. There’s so much heat.

  She narrows her eyes and looks away again as my sister rounds the corner, mascara running down her cheeks with her tears. “What the fuck, guys? He just walked out on me. Where were you? I didn’t bring my wallet.”

  What the hell is going on. “What?”

  Her chin trembles and she wraps her sweater around herself. “He got pissed that you guys left him with the bill and he took off.”

  “So he left you with it? What the fuck, Persephone?”

  “Why are you yelling at me?” she whines.

  I take one last look at Nikki with her head turned, smoking her cigarette.

  To be fucking continued.

  I stand and walk back to the diner to pay the bill.

  Chapter Eight

  Nikki

  He’s gorgeous. No Lie. Longish hair and bronze skin, beautiful dark eyes. But his looks aren’t the best part, it’s the way he’s so expressive without saying a word. I’ve always been able to tell what he wants to say by looking at his face. I know when he wants to order for himself or when he wants a coffee instead of a milkshake.

  And he looks at me like if I told him something he’d listen and try to understand. And that’s terrifying to me.

  I can’t look at him. I smoke my clove and fidget.

  Does this mean he’s thought about it as much as I have? I almost kissed him once at a school dance. He found me sitting outside after some boy called me a bitch after I didn’t put out. I don’t know if he remembers.

  We’re standing outside the diner while Jimmy and Persephone argue next to his car. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. But there’s so much going on in my head.

  “I’m exhausted.” I break the silence. “Every day is the same old shit. I’m never getting ahead. All I do is work and hang out and spend money and do it all again. It’s like I’m too old for this shit but I’m too young to do anything. Being nineteen is the shittiest situation to be in. I hate it. I have one full-time job and one part-time, and then I have Persephone’s punk ass. I have to be ready to jump to do what she wants but when it’s my turn she goes and does this shit.” I sniffle. “And on top of everything I have to make sure Dex eats. And Turtle. I have to make sure Dex stays out of trouble. And off drugs. And the streets.” I take another drag and blow out the smoke. “It’s bee
n nine years of fucking hell. I have an ulcer for God’s sake.” I shake my head, gritting my teeth.

  He frowns. “Who’s Turtle?”

  “My cat. She turn-coated on me and now she’s Dex’s,” I explain.

  He nods, following now.

  “I wish I could be different, but I’m not.” I turn my attention back to him. “How are you doing? How are your injuries healing?”

  He shrugs, still looking at me intensely. “Okay. My hand hurts when I move it.” He moves his freshly un-casted wrist to demonstrate. “I miss my cast. It was good for mixing paint.”

  I can’t even look at him.

  I want something to call mine so badly that I would make the mistake of trying to make him that person. He can’t be that person. He is gold. He’s a good guy and everyone loves him and he has an amazing mom and family that loves him. I am not that person. I am a messed up person with issues that permeate every decision I make. I have never maintained a relationship. I can’t lose Persephone. Or Natalie. If I ruin things with Ares, they will blame me. He’s their boy and they are so protective of him. Natalie is all about finding the right person and loving them forever. And Persephone is the only friend I’ve ever had. If I did this with Ares, it would be forever and I am guaranteed to fuck that up.

  I can’t do this.

  “I gotta go. Thanks for dinner.” I take one last look at his smoldering eyes and make myself walk away, rummaging through my purse and finding my keys, pulling them free as I go. I feel his eyes on my back as I walk away and get into my car. I can see him in my rearview, still watching me go and I am like jelly inside.

  What just happened? I can’t even breathe because Ares whispered my name.

  I hear it over and over as I drive home and tendrils of heat tickle my skin and make my tummy flip flop. I don’t even remember creeping through my house and locking myself in my room.

  His voice in that whisper follows me as I get ready for bed and lie in the dark, staring at the insides of my eyelids as I touch myself softly. I bite my lip as I think about him, naked except for the paint on his hands as he touches me.