Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  “I’m glad you’ve been talking to someone who can understand what you’re going through,” Natalie says, looking through her camera at Dexter.

  I was telling her about Chrystal while watching my little brother play tug of war with the two big dogs.

  “Why are you so wiggly today?”

  I push away the thoughts and shrug. “UTI?”

  “What have you been doing? I thought you were keeping it clean. You should go to the doctor.”

  “I don’t want to get naked or pee in a cup. I’ll wait ‘til I’m peeing blood.”

  She shakes her head. We sit in silence for a minute. Dexter is happy. He looks healthy. The grass is bright green and it hasn’t rained for three days. There are leaf buds on the trees. Ares will be home soon. Natalie has been talking about his homecoming and meeting his girl and I’ve been trying so hard to be normal.

  “You okay? You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.” She speaks to the universe, looking out instead of at me.

  “I do, but nothing that can be helped.”

  “I got a job doing a spread for National Geographic. I’m leaving in the morning and probably won’t be back ‘til Sunday. Marc will be here to take care of Dexter but he might need help picking him up from school.”

  “I can do that.”

  “I figured you could.” She smiles, teasing me. “You should go to the doctor. I know Marc is giving you medical.”

  “I’ll consider it.”

  I eat dinner with them. Marc and I talk about work until I eventually go home to my empty apartment and curl on the sofa to watch TV and gorge myself with leftovers. It feels good but I wish Persephone was here for one last time before everything is fucked up forever.

  Chapter Fifty-five

  Nikki

  My face is so hot.

  My back hurts so bad I can’t stop crying.

  I fell asleep on my couch watching TV the night I came from dinner at Natalie and Marc’s and I slept for like twelve hours straight. I woke up to the worst cramps in my life and I threw up all my leftovers. I took a long bath and laid back down, waiting for blood. The trying to be sane part of my brain has been telling me that I haven’t had a period in over a year and of course it would hurt like I was being ripped in half. The crazy part is telling me it’s been a long time since I’ve had a period and there’s no blood and it’s not going to end like that.

  I went back to sleep, exhausted from the pain and the thoughts.

  I don’t even know how long ago that was. It hurts so bad, and there’s still no blood. Maybe a little but it’s not what I need to make it true.

  I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know whether to lie down on the cool tile of the bathroom floor and try to sleep it away or sit on the floor of my closet in the dark and hide until it’s over.

  I’m sweating and I have chills.

  I make my way to my bathroom, my hand on the wall to help keep me straight because my eyes are blurry and my head hurts. I turn on the shower and step under the water, letting the water hit my back and my forehead rest on the cool tile. I kind of feel like lying in the tub but I don’t think I’ll be able to get up again. Especially not if the cramps get worse and right now it hurts so bad I can’t take it.

  And I’m so cold.

  I close my eyes and turn off the shower, resting for a minute before trying to move again.

  Deep breath before I open my eyes and step out of the tub. I step and something pops inside me like a rubberband or balloon and hot, thick liquid runs down my thighs like I peed myself and it feels so good. I’m so relieved that the part that was trying to not be crazy was right instead of insane and I’m just starting my period after a year and everything’s normal and I really can have everything.

  But it’s not. It’s not pee and it’s not blood and every time I move it streams down my leg relieving the cramps and pressure in my belly.

  I can’t.

  The next cramp comes and I sink to the floor in my puddle of thick fluid. I’m so cold and my body is shaking hard with chills. It’s hard to move through the pain that isn’t stopping.

  I have to get to my closet.

  I stop and wait for the pain to subside.

  I have to get a blanket to sit on and I’ll put on a long tunic and leggings on one of my ankles so after it’s over I can just pull them on so that when someone finds my dead body I won’t be so exposed.

  I get the blanket and shirt and leggings and situate myself while my body is ripping apart. I sit with my back against the wall with my knees up, clothes hanging above my head. At least I’m with my clothes. I love all of them and I feel calm.

  I try to breathe through the pain but I can’t and I moan. I’m shivering so hard and sweat is dripping from my face. I feel my belly with my shaky hands. It’s rock hard and I’m feeling vagina ripping pressure.

  I close my eyes so I can think and count. It’s so hard to focus. The longest amount of time would be four months after my last shot.

  Oh my God this hurts so fucking bad.

  So the most it could be is seven months. The least would be ten weeks.

  My heart sinks and I weep. Either way it’s going to be dead. If I have to see its dead body I’m going to die. I don’t want to see it.

  It was the night my mom woke up and I realized I was in love with him, when he did me like I needed in the back of the Volvo. I was so pissed he ruined it by not trusting me but I totally fucked up and miscalculated because I’m so stupid.

  I’ve drank a whole bottle of wine. I smoked and cut myself. I have danced for hours without breaks. There’s no way it’s not dead and I’m so sorry.

  I touch with shaky fingers, feeling this urge to push like I have to poop. I hope I don’t.

  I close my eyes because I’m so dizzy and I feel with my fingers. It’s unfamiliar and it’s terrifying but I feel it; the wet, apple shaped head coming. I open my eyes, seeing everything clearly through the pain and dizziness. I don’t want to see it but I have to get it out of me. I need to push.

  I let myself bear down, feeling it as it comes down, and it feels better, like this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

  I take a deep breath and let myself push again. It burns but I feel it slide all at once into my hands, floppy and bloody. I hug it to my body, my tears falling and sobs stuck in my throat.

  I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid and this is my fault.

  It wriggles and lets out a weak gargly cry and goes limp.

  Oh my God. Oh my God. I’m so sorry. What do I do?

  I start rubbing it like the dead puppy they rubbed back to life in 101 Dalmatians and grab another blanket. It’s one of the soft throw blankets Natalie brought over.

  It spits up fluid and wails like a baby cat as I wrap it carefully in the blanket, sobbing out a giddy laugh. I hold it, still connected to me, and rub.

  My back is hurting again.

  I touch my stomach. It was soft and now it’s hard again.

  I don’t want to die. I don’t want the baby to die. I just want to live with my baby.

  Someone’s pounding on my door and I still can’t put my leggings on because the pain is back and the urge to push. If they break down the door they’re going to see everything.

  It hurts so fucking bad. This can’t be happening.

  I scream and push. There’s more fluid and blood and a pop of relief but I’m lightheaded and my vision is black around the edges. I’m going to pass out while giving birth.

  There’s more banging and knob jiggling and I scream for help and push in a fog.

  I lay my head back and close my eyes, pushing one more vagina burning time until the head and body are in my hand.

  It sounds like a kitten.

  This is a nightmare….

  Oh my God, Nikki….

  Chapter Fifty-six

  Nikki

  Chrystal followed me to the hospital and sat with me.

  I’m dehydrated, anemic, and I have a fever and a UTI.


  She asked who she could call for me but I don’t know.

  Who can I call for this?

  I don’t even know if they’re alive. And if they’re dead it’s because of me. I ignored it. I let myself tell me I was crazy and that no way could my life be that fucked up. I told myself that if I didn’t take the test that it wouldn’t be true and it would never happen and that I didn’t feel it even though I did. I felt it and I loved it and I wouldn’t let myself. I let her get to me. I let her fuck with my head even after she was gone. She won. I fought so hard and so long but in the end she won and I let her drown me and I drowned them.

  I had a glimmer of hope they all might forgive me but that is long gone now. There’s no way I can even ask them to forgive me. But I don’t even care if they never forgive me or if they take them away from me as long as they’re okay.

  ✽✽✽

  “Alright, Miss Davidson, it looks like the fluids are working for the dehydration.” The doctor looks at my chart. “Just try to rest for now and let the antibiotics work.”

  Everyone keeps telling me to rest and sleep as they come in but they keep coming in, bothering me without telling me anything about the babies. I’m hooked up to machines and IV’s. I’ve seen a lactation consultant, nurses, phlebotomists, and now my young, hot doctor, and they haven’t told me anything at all.

  “Okay. Everything else should clear up pretty quick. I want you to eat a lot. You can order whatever you want, especially red meats, okay? When people come to visit, tell them to bring food.” He smiles warmly.

  I nod, tears streaming.

  “Are you okay? How are you feeling?” His brows furrow with concern.

  I look into his eyes. “I want to see my babies. I want to know if they’re okay. I don’t know if they’re alive or what they are.” I’m trying not to break.

  He looks at me with compassion which doesn’t help at all. “I’ll find out what’s going on. Then you need to rest. Promise?”

  I nod, exhausted.

  He stands to go and I am completely shocked to see Persephone walking into the room as he walks away, giving her a smile as she walks past pretending not to notice.

  I break, just seeing her familiar face. I can’t see through my tears. “What are you doing here?”

  “Chrystal called. My God, you look like shit,” she tells me, looking around for and finding a chair. She pulls it over to sit next to my bed. Her eyes search me, taking everything in. “Robert texted you didn’t show for work so he was sending Chrystal over to check on you. She called me and told me I better get my ass over here so I did. And here I am.” She smiles her beautiful smile, worry in her eyes. “So, what’s going on?”

  I shake my head. A pain settles in my heart and my throat and my stomach. “Did you talk to your mom or Ares?”

  “No. I texted my mom and Marc when Robert said you didn’t show up for work, but once Chrystal called I figured I should see what was up first. Chrystal said Ares had texted and called you a million times so I know he’s probably freaking out right now.”

  I cover my face. I can’t believe this is happening. Ares. I can’t even think his name without wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

  And Persephone. She’s obviously put two and two together and she’s here.

  She pulls my hands. “Now is not the time. How are you?”

  “Scared. And worried.”

  “How are they?”

  “I don’t know.” I look into her eyes. “I’m sorry.” I can’t even cry right now. I’m just sick with dread.

  She smiles sadly and picks up my hand. “It’s funny how things work out. I did what I did and you got two.”

  My eyes swim in guilty tears. “They told me to come back and take a test and they’d give me my Depo if it was negative but I never went because I thought if I didn’t go it wouldn’t happen. At first I thought it was impossible I missed the appointment and then I looked at my calendar but it was the day my mom killed herself and I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been losing my mind ever since. It’s just too much. I never in a million years would ever want this to happen. Especially not like this. He doesn’t want babies with me.” I try to clear tears but they keep coming.

  “You’re pretty though.”

  I roll my eyes. She makes me feel more human. The haze of my life is lifting and I can look back and see the months of blurred crazy.

  “I can’t believe you just had babies.”

  My lips and chin tremble, losing it. “I don’t want them to die.” I weep, covering my face with my hands.

  She takes a tissue from the tissue box on the bedside table and dabs at my tears. She hugs me and rubs my back. She holds me while I cry. I’ve never been the one on this end with her.

  Now that I’m calm she asks, “Do you want to call Ares or should I?”

  “I’m scared,” I whisper.

  “I know. Me too.” She scrunches her face and pulls away. She pulls out her phone. “Here goes.” She looks at it, brows furrowed in concentration, and puts it to her ear.

  I hear his voice say hello and my belly drops funny from the hollowness. I lie back on my pillow and stare out the window.

  Chapter Fifty-seven

  Ares

  “Ares, I found Nikki. I’m with her right now.”

  I’ve been so worried.

  I let out a breath and say a prayer of thanks.

  I’ve been looking up plane tickets that will get me home quickest because I’ve had no idea where she was and why she wasn’t answering me.

  Wait.

  Persephone is calling me to tell me Nikki is okay. “Why are you calling me?”

  “Her coworker said you texted and called a whole bunch last night so I figured you were probably worried sick.” She pauses so my brain can catch up.

  Persephone is with Nikki, but Nikki’s coworker has her phone and talked to Persephone. “So why are you calling me? Is she okay? Is she with you?”

  “You have the rest of the week left of school but you did finals already, right?” There’s something iffy about the way she’s talking to me. She wouldn’t normally remember I’m done with finals.

  I sit in my desk chair slowly and look with more focus on the flights. “Why? What’s wrong?” There’s one going out in about an hour.

  “Well, I think Nikki needs you and you need to book the next flight and get your ass out here as soon as you can. Don’t tell anyone, just come now.”

  “The next one goes out in an hour and a half.” My hands are trembling as I click on it and enter my account information. “I booked it. Now tell me what’s going on.” I start packing.

  “What is the arrival time?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll text you the info. Persephone, tell me what’s going on. Is Nikki okay? She’s my friend too.”

  “Oh, shut up, Ares. I’m not stupid. Nikki’s okay, but you need to come home now. Text me and I’ll pick you up at the airport.” She hangs up.

  I drop the phone off my shoulder and into my pocket, cussing. I organize my latest paintings so Linda can easily have them picked up. I was supposed to stay until after my New York opening but I know Persephone wouldn’t fuck with me for nothing.

  I leave a voicemail for Linda. I call Emma and tell her I’m leaving and to make sure nothing happens to my stuff.

  I rummage through my things, finding last minute stuff and the Tiffany’s box I had hidden in my underwear drawer. I stop and open it and look at the little ring, butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

  I close it and put it in my bag on my way out.

  Chapter Fifty-eight

  Nikki

  The babies are lying on their tummies, side by side in their plastic containers.

  My heart won’t stop fluttering.

  They belong to me.

  I panic whenever I think about it.

  “Oh my God.” Persephone whispers. “They don’t look real.”

  They have tape and IVs and splints and a tube going down their noses and the oxyg
en thing. I touch the case. I can’t stop looking at them. They’re like tiny little black-haired dolls.

  “They’re very premature. With your calculation and ours we’ve decided they’re probably twenty nine weeks. They’re having difficulty regulating their oxygen levels. Organs all look well developed, except, of course, the lungs. We gave them both some steroids to get them going. Baby B isn’t doing as well as Baby A. His organs aren’t performing as well as we’d hope. We put him in with her so that she might share some of her spirit with him and if something happens they’ll be together.”

  I can’t look at Persephone. My heart is swimming in heartbreaking guilt. They’re her family and she has every right to hate me and tell me how horrible I am, how I’ll never deserve to be their mother.

  She holds my hand and I hold hers back.

  “Baby A was three pounds even when we weighed her, Baby B was two pounds eleven ounces. They both had low blood sugar.” She tells us what each of the lines attached to them are for as she opens the box. “Why aren’t you walking?” she asks me.

  I look at Persephone.

  “I told them about her history of fainting spells,” Persephone explains with a wave of her hand.

  She gets me into a rocking chair beside the case and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. She unties the top of my gown. “We’ll do some kangaroo care with both of you. I’ll put Baby B on you because he needs his mama and you need this time with him. And who are you?” She looks at Persephone.

  “I’m the Auntie.” She grins.

  “Then you get to hold your niece.” She puts the little body between my breasts on my chest and covers us with a blanket. I put my hands over his tiny body and tears fill my eyes.

  She puts the little girl inside Persephone’s shirt and covers them. Persephone looks at the baby and touches her cheek and the baby lets out a creaky cry.

  My insides tighten and my skin tingles.

  Persephone giggles. “What a little songbird.”

  Tears fall down my cheeks. I look at my baby’s miniature face. I want him to be mine forever. He’s sleeping with his mouth parted and his eyes moving beneath his thin eyelids and I can’t take it. It hurts to love so much.