Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  I move my hands over his tiny warm body and close my eyes, rocking softly until I can’t anymore and I give in.

  They wake me to take my vitals and my boobs tingle and hurt and the baby gets wiggly and mouthy. He’s like a baby bird fluttering his wings before finally giving up and I’m freaking out.

  The nurse comes over and tells me he’s hungry, not dying.

  They’re too young to breastfeed so I have to pump.

  They put the babies back in the box and tell me to go rest and eat and pump. Persephone turns the TV on and helps me get set up. “How does your cooch feel? You seem to be okay for just pushing two babies out of it.”

  I shrug. “Like I got punched through the vagina, plus cramps and an overall burning and hollow feeling. And my kidneys hurt like a bitch. But they were small so I guess it could have been worse.”

  She rubs my back. “If I go out to get food for you will you be okay while I’m gone?”

  I nod. “I guess I have to do stuff too. Like pump milk and pee and stuff.”

  She kisses my forehead. “I’ll bring you back something good on grandpa’s tab.” She winks and grabs her purse and goes.

  I call the nurse in to help me set up and I relax, feeling the warm and tingly sensation of letdown. I close my eyes, not letting myself think about anything. I think about my baby boy though and I pray myself to sleep.

  I’m staring at the TV when Chrystal walks in. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I try to recover but Chrystal is too quick. “Hey. Everything okay or is it hormones?” she asks, setting armloads of bags on the bed. She sits next to me, taking my hand in hers.

  “Everything is fine. Just super emotional.”

  “It’s okay. Totally natural. And more so because you’re not prepared.”

  “I’m ashamed of myself,” I confess.

  “That’s your mama talkin’, not you. Get that out of your head, lady. You’ve been doing the best you could. You have babies now and you love them. Wanna see all the stuff we got you? My husband was so excited about the whole thing. He went shopping with me.”

  I’ve never felt this loved and taken care of in my life. I’m usually not the one on this end but my friends have really pulled through for me.

  I wish I deserved it.

  She shows me everything one by one: bras, nursing tank tops, a nursing pillow, baby clothes in preemie sizes. And comfortable clothes and toiletries for me. She hands me a box of chocolates with a beautiful smile. “And chocolate.”

  Persephone walks in with bags of food. “Ares is in Texas; halfway home.” She sets the bags on the table and distributes food. They introduce themselves to each other and hug and sit and talk while eating.

  “So, Ares is your twin brother?” Chrystal asks while I blush red.

  “Ares is my twin brother.” She smiles.

  “How do you think he’s going to react?” Chrystal gestures for me to continue eating because I stopped, feeling sick to my stomach.

  “I don’t know.” She shakes her head with a frown. “He’s a lot like our dad. Quiet, serious, hides his emotion unless it’s anger. I used to think I was like my dad but after living with him the past few months, I can see they’re clones of each other. They’re both so quiet and neat and tidy. It makes me literally want to scream.”

  Chrystal smiles and looks at me. “Is that the guy you know?”

  I take a deep breath and sigh, “One of them. The other one is something else.”

  Persephone scrunches her face. “Let’s not talk about this. You’re going to make me vomit.”

  They start talking about other things and I look out the window. I wish I could sleep until this is over. I wish I could just leave my body and come back after the consequences.

  Chapter Fifty-nine

  Nikki

  “I get to hold Tiny?” Persephone whispers excitedly, sitting in her rocking chair and getting ready to hold him.

  I watch. He’s so frail. I’m so afraid of him being in anyone else’s arms when he needs me but I’m holding my baby girl and she has her eyes open, looking at me. I massage her back with one stroke of my finger.

  The nurse helps me put her in a nursing position so the baby’s mouth is against my breast. She goes frantic for a second, chomping on my skin. “She’s hungry. She’ll calm down when I put the milk in the feeding tube. This is good for both of you, though,” the nurse says quietly.

  “Your tits are amazing.” Persephone looks at me with feigned jealousy.

  I give her a dirty look and cover myself more.

  “I’m just saying.” She looks at her baby, rubbing his back how the nurse showed us. “I’m leaving in an hour to pick up Ares from the airport.” She’s looking at the clock and now at me, studying me. “Why do you look like you want to run away every time I say the guy’s name?”

  I’m ashamed and embarrassed and shy talking to her about him. “I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to talk to me again. I don’t even know why you’re talking to me.”

  “You should blame him. He’s the one that left. He knew what you were going through. And what’s the big deal? You didn’t get pregnant on purpose. It was an accident. We’ve never really had to be super accurate on the shot appointments cuz we never got consistent play. He could have wrapped it up for added protection anyway. If he doesn’t want anything to do with you, you take his ass to court, get child support from him and find someone a lot better looking.” She shrugs.

  “That’s not what I want. I want to disappear.”

  “Well, you can’t do that.” She smiles. “Just chill.”

  “He’s going to hate me.”

  “It was a mistake. I made the same mistake. He does want kids. He just has daddy issues.” She shrugs. “Mistakes happen. But I’m in love. Aren’t you in love?”

  I look down at the now sleeping baby that I’m actually holding to my breast, able to make milk for. I am in love. And I look at the other one. So frail but already I can see him getting bigger and scowling at everything. “Yes. I’m in love.”

  I don’t want him to die. I won’t be able to live with myself. I can hardly live with myself now.

  Chapter Sixty

  Ares

  “What the fuck is going on, Persephone?” I growl and throw my backpack into my dad’s truck. “Where is Nikki? Tell me what the fuck is going on?” I get in and stare at her as she drives away from the curb.

  “Calm down, fuckhead. I’m taking you to her. And it’s nice to see you too, by the way.”

  “I’m not playing around.” I glare. I want to punch her so bad.

  “Neither am I, okay? Calm your ass down. I am taking you to her. Everything else is between you and her.”

  I sit, pissed, defeated. I breathe in and out for a second. “Is Nikki okay?” I ask, quiet, terrified of getting a real answer and terrified of not knowing for three more minutes.

  “OMG, Ares, I swear I will punch you in the crotch.”

  We’re turning into a hospital close to Nikki’s apartment and a brick drops in my stomach. “Why are we at the hospital, Persephone? Is Nikki okay? What’s happened to her? Is she sick? What the hell is going on!” I yell, hitting the dash.

  “Calm down! Nikki is in the hospital. She is a patient. Visiting hours are over but I’m going to get you in to see her so you can stay with her. I can tell you now but I think you’d rather talk to her.” She parks the car and looks at me like she knows I know she’s right.

  I’m filled with dread.

  I want to throw up.

  I follow her from the truck to the lobby, watching her long black hair swish with purpose as she walks.

  “Give me your ID so I can get you a pass.” She holds out her hand and takes it from me, “Stay here. Don’t follow me.”

  My vision blurs with anger.

  She comes back with a badge and takes me to the elevator, telling me how to get to her.

  I glare at her.

  “Goodnight. I’ll bring breakfast in the morning.�
� She hugs and kisses me.

  I follow her directions and make it to the numbered door.

  I knock softly and open it slowly.

  The room is dim but I can see her lying in the hospital bed, sleeping softly with the bed up so she’s sitting. Her head is against the bedrail and her feet are curled under her like she dozed off waiting for me.

  She’s fully intact.

  She’s so pale though.

  And her eyes are dark from lack of sleep and her skin is so naked without any makeup at all.

  She looks frail but still beautiful.

  Her eyes startle open, landing on me and filling with panic.

  She sits up and comes to the edge of the bed slowly.

  I’m so happy to see her. “Hey.”

  “Hi,” she says, tentative.

  “Persephone refused to tell me what’s going on. What’s going on? Are you okay? Can I touch you?”

  “I have to tell you something and I don’t know if you’ll want to touch me after I tell you.” She’s quiet. She searches me with eyes close to wild fear.

  I hug her anyway, smelling her, feeling her feverish heat. “I was so worried about you. Did someone hurt you? Are you sick?”

  “Sit so I can tell you.” She’s worried and the worry is all over her face.

  I move away and pull up the chair to sit, looking at her. Her boobs are huge compared to her overly skinny body. The worry is worrying me but I’m so happy to see her.

  She wipes tears away. “I don’t know what to say. I know you’re going to be so disgusted with me and you’re going to hate me and I deserve it but I’m so scared of losing you.”

  My stomach hurts. “Okay.”

  She looks away, trying to fight the tears.

  I hold her hands. “What happened?”

  She takes a breath and she’s sick with anxiety. “Remember the night you asked me out on an actual date? The night I told you about my mom and before you took me to your showing? You asked me if I was sure I was on birth control and I feel stupid because I got so mad but I completely miscalculated and forgot my appointment and didn’t even think about it at all.”

  I nod. “You told me they had you take a pregnancy test.” I don’t understand but my stomach is in knots. “So, what does that mean? I don’t get it.”

  “I’m sorry.” She stares at me with tears in her eyes. “I was pregnant.”

  Oh God. “When? Please don’t tell me you had an abortion because I swear I will punch a wall in. Don’t even say the words because I don’t want to hear it.” I don’t recognize my own voice it sounds so tinny in my own ears.

  Tears overflow and run down her cheeks. “I fucked up. They told me to come to take a test to make sure but I didn’t. I didn’t want to because I was scared it wouldn’t be negative. I told myself it was impossible because I didn’t know I missed my appointment until I saw my calendar the day my mom died. I’m so stupid. I just didn’t want to think it was possible,” she whispers, just loud enough. “Sometimes I’d feel them and I’d start to think about it but I’d shut it off in my mind because it was too much. I just ignored it, Ares. I’m so sorry.”

  I am dizzy.

  Things fly through my head and I feel like throwing up because that was so long ago and I’ve seen pregnant ladies and I saw her two and a half months ago. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “There were two of them and they’re tiny and very premature. I had a baby in my closet and it was dead but I rubbed it to life like in 101 Dalmatians. And then the pain started again and there was another baby.” She squeezes her eyes shut in sorrow. “Robert sent Chrystal to see if I was dead because I didn’t show up to work. She broke in and found me and called 911. I’m so sorry, Ares.” Tears are running down her cheeks. “It’s my fault. I drank a bottle of wine. I’ve been dancing. I didn’t eat.” She shakes her head, disgusted with herself. “I knew but I just couldn’t.”

  I look at her. Her short messy hair. Her tortured red-rimmed eyes. Her body looks exhausted. “You were pregnant? With twins?” I breathe.

  She nods and tears keep falling. “I’m so sorry.”

  It can’t be true because I’ve always thought if I had babies I’d always be there for them and I’d be there for her and I’d take it out and raise it up to the sun the moment I could. “I missed seeing my babies be born? Two of them? Are they okay? Are you okay?” My hands are shaking.

  This is crazy.

  She wipes her tears and takes a few breaths. “One of them is going to be okay. The other one is having a hard time.” She breaks a little and I can see the hurt in the way she holds herself. “I let her get inside my head and I could have killed them and it’s my fault. And I knew. I knew but I was so selfish and afraid of it being real. I knew you would think I did it on purpose. And your mom would hate me for ruining your future.”

  She looks like she did at the stream the night my mom found her, panicked and open. She’s being completely honest, risking everything to be so honest and I can see that she’s in pain with sorrow and guilt.

  My grandparents would die if they knew she saw and touched her mother’s dead body while pregnant.

  I get up and sit next to her on the bed. I pull her head to my chest and hold her while she weeps with sorrow. “I should have taken better care of you. You shouldn’t have been so alone. I should have stayed.” If I ever thought my mind was blown before, I know now it wasn’t. “Can I see them?”

  “Yes. Persephone and I have been going to every feeding to hold them. They have feeding tubes in their noses; that’s how they eat. I’ve been pumping for them as much as I can.”

  “That’s why your boobs are so huge.” I pull out the collar of her shirt to look at them. My mind is still blown but I know I like this and I like her and this is what I want, Nikki breastfeeding my babies.

  She looks better. Less scared shitless and more just worried out of her mind and exhausted.

  She must have been so afraid of me and it kills me. “When did it happen?”

  “I don’t know. I have no concept of time in this place. Last night I guess. Or the night before. It seems like days ago. I’ve barely slept.”

  “Why haven’t you slept?” I rub her.

  She looks at me with those suffering eyes.

  “Is the one that’s not doing good going to die?”

  “I don’t know. They gave them steroids. The organs are fully formed they’re just not functioning to full potential. I told them that if there was no reason for surgery I didn’t want any extraneous things done. I didn’t want him to suffer if it wouldn’t do any good anyway. Is that okay with you?”

  There’s a lump in my throat and I just nod at first because all I can think about is having a son and never being able to teach him how to ride a horse. “It’s a boy?” I take her hands.

  She smiles with tear twinkly eyes. “Yeah.”

  “In your closet like a cat?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “You were all alone and you didn’t know?”

  She closes her eyes. “It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I didn’t want to know. I hate myself,” she sobs and lays her head on my chest. “But I would do it again.”

  I nod again, drinking in her beauty and spirit and the haze of love around us. “I want to be there for the next one.”

  “You can be there for the next one.” She pulls back, just enough to look into my eyes. “You have every right to hate me and never want to see me again.”

  “I left you when you asked me to stay. I should have stayed. You were telling me and I didn’t listen.” I kiss her hair.

  “I’m so tired of crying. I need help.”

  “We have good insurance. We can find good help.” I kiss her temple.

  ✽✽✽

  The nurse looks up and smiles, “Daddy?”

  My heart flutters. Nikki nods.

  The nurse chuckles and puts bracelets on me, turning to talk to Nikki. “We gave them another round of steroids and there have been imp
rovements. They’ve been eating good milk and they’ve both been peeing and pooping plenty so that’s a good sign. He’s got a lot of catching up but he’s trudging along.”

  She blinks back tears. “That’s good news.”

  She smiles warmly. “Yes it is. Let’s pray he keeps it up. Alright, let’s get that shirt off, Daddy.” She turns to the container and opens it.

  I raise my eyebrows.

  “It’s so they can put a baby on your chest. It helps them regulate body temperature and helps you and the baby bond,” Nikki explains.

  I take my shirt off, grinning. “You just want to see me naked.”

  “I may be out of commission but I’m not dead inside,” she says without energy, too tired to do anything more than agree.

  The nurse sets us up, smiling. “You had Baby Girl last time, right?” she asks Nikki and she nods, sitting slow and careful.

  The nurse sits me down. I’m so afraid to touch the baby as she lays her on my bare chest and covers her. I’m terrified of breaking her.

  Nikki unbuttons her shirt and fixes the pillow on her lap while she waits for the other baby. She looks at his face as she reaches for him and takes him to her breast.

  “Would you like to pump right now? Sometimes it’s easier when you can see the baby.” The nurse says, looking at them.

  She nods. She looks back at the baby in her arms with calm serenity, like every Madonna painting ever made. I wish I had my sketchbook. I wish my phone wasn’t covered in deathly germs so I could take a picture to paint later. She’s so comfortable like this, holding a baby at her breast. “Is it weird I think you’re hot right now? All pale and exhausted and your boobs all amazing?” There’s a lot to talk about and a lot to figure out but it’s going to be okay and I’m going to take care of her.

  “Your sister said the same thing.” She looks at me, somber. “Thank you for loving me.”

  “You make it easy,” I say, looking at my little girl. She’s gorgeous. Her hair is dark but reddish underneath. Her face scrunches and I can’t help but laugh at it. Tears sting my eyes and I have to wipe them away. She lets out a creaky noise. “Hey little songbird,” I whisper. I kiss the top of her cap and smell her. She smells like Nikki and newness. All the tubes and lines and their translucent skin and dark hair contrasting so starkly against their paleness make her look so fragile and scary to touch. I feel dread I’m going to lose them to weakness. “Are they okay?”