Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  The nurse comes over with the other tiny baby and I open my other arm so she can lay him on me while Nikki pumps for them. I look at my little boy and kiss him too, feeling so much pride. I look at his face to talk to him. “I’m going to give you a warrior’s name. I wish I could name you after the two toughest men I know. My dad is an asshole but he’s a fighter. He taught me everything I know about being tough and winning fights. And my other dad, he has the strongest heart I know. He taught me everything I know about fighting for what I want in my heart, and what my heart wants most right now is for you to fight.” I kiss his little capped head, breathing him in. He’s small now but he has his whole life ahead of him and he’s going to be fierce.

  I look at both of them in my arms. I have so many things I want to teach them.

  I’m a dad and I love them and don’t want to ever be away from them.

  The babies are fed and good. I help Nikki back to her room. I tuck her into bed and tuck myself into the recliner and turn on SportsCenter. I watch the TV without paying attention.

  I have to call Linda and Emma about getting my stuff and my show.

  I have to tell my dad.

  And my other dad.

  I’m a dad.

  The thought sends a sick exhilaration through me as I somehow manage to fall asleep.

  I wake to screams and sit, coming to her before I’m fully awake. “What is it?” I climb into bed with her, touching her.

  “Bad dream. My mom. She stabbed me in the heart. I was trying to feed the babies,” she says, her voice sleepy and mushy. “I’m all wet.”

  I touch her. She is wet. I help her take off her shirt and she’s leaking. It shouldn’t be exciting but it is.

  “Hey,” she says, looking at herself, “I have real milk.”

  “You should do something about that before I do,” I murmur, sleepy, kissing her neck and touching her wet skin.

  “Okay. Go back to sleep.”

  Chapter Sixty-one

  Ares

  “How’s your hospital breakfast?”

  “Kinda like diner breakfast but smaller without as much flavor.” She turns to look at me. “Want my muffin?”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “Really?” She holds her muffin up. “Blueberry muffin?”

  I grin and stuff it in my mouth.

  She smiles at my chipmunk face. She sobers and looks at my eyes. “I’m super scared of your mom.”

  I nod, pushing my lips out. “She’s definitely going to flip. I think it has to be better than the Persephone thing, though, right?” I kiss her hand. “Persephone said she’d bring breakfast when visiting hours start, so we’ll eat and I’ll take the truck to the firm and then go up to Roslyn with Marc. There’s some tribal stuff I have to do for the babies. My mom’s in Yellowstone. She’s supposed to come home Saturday night but she probably already has the shots she wants. I’ll see what Marc thinks. Sound good?”

  She nods, apprehensive. “Do everything you have to. And then come back. It’s nice having you around.” She makes a face and blinks back tears.

  I pull her to me roughly and hug her. “I like being around. I’m not leaving. I have to take care of business. And I have my phone. Call.” I pull at her collar to look down her shirt. Her boobs are amazing.

  There’s a quick knock and the door opens. Persephone looks at us in disgust. “Ugh.” She puts bags of food on the table. “Gross.”

  I glare at her while Nikki sits, adjusting herself. She moves to the edge of the bed. “Good morning.”

  My sister comes over and hugs her, kissing her forehead. “How are my babies?” she asks and starts distributing breakfast burritos as Nikki gives her the update. She hands one to me along with a coffee and a dirty look. She sets Nikki’s food on the tray table over the bed. “I got you decaf cuz I didn’t think it would be good to get the kids wired.”

  Nikki grins. “Good. Thank you.”

  She sits at the table with her food and orange juice.

  Nikki looks terrified. Like she wants to run.

  I turn her head to me so I can see her face. “You okay?”

  She lets me hug and hold her. “How am I going to live without caffeine?” she whispers softly.

  “Do you guys want me to leave while you do your thing?” Persephone bitches.

  “Grow up,” I bite back, glaring at her.

  “Oh, is that what you did when you started screwing my best friend, dick?”

  “You’ve had a lot of opportunities to grow up yourself and have passed them by so screw you.” I give her a black look, letting Nikki go as she sits.

  “You can shut the fuck up right now because you don’t know anything about me, you pretentious piece of shit!” she growls at me.

  “Wow, that’s a big word.”

  “Okay, guys.” Nikki puts her hands up to both of us. “We’re in a hospital. You need to relax. It’s obvious we have some issues we have to work out but right now is not the time to scream and slam each other and say things that will hurt more than heal. Okay? Persephone, how’s my apartment?”

  “Fine. I checked the mail and watered the plants.”

  “Thank you. Can you stay while Ares goes out and handles business today? I don’t want to be alone in here.”

  “Yeah. For sure.” She smiles, concerned, and squeezes her hand.

  She turns to me. “Are you leaving?”

  I’m pulling on my low-tops and tying them. I hope she doesn’t have to be in the middle like this forever. I hope Persephone won’t hate me forever although I’m glad it turned out to be me and not Nikki. But if Nikki wasn’t in such a fragile state it could have gone the other way just as easy so I’m glad she is. “The sooner I leave the sooner I can get back. And I want to get back.”

  “Ugh.” Persephone makes a face and turns her chair so she’s facing the door, away from us.

  I scowl at the back of her head.

  Nikki turns my face back to her.

  The anger melts seeing her troubled eyes. “I love you. Keep me posted.”

  She nods. “I love you too. Keep me posted as well.”

  I kiss her lips and forehead and grab the keys as I walk out.

  Chapter Sixty-two

  Ares

  I get out of the truck at Marc’s site and spot him as he spots me. He turns his full attention to me, telling the guy he’s talking to he’ll talk to him later.

  He walks over. “Hey, slugger. I thought you weren’t coming home for another couple of weeks. Your mama’s in California.” His eyebrows move together, wary of me being here out of the blue like he knows something’s up.

  I clear my throat, trying to free my voice.

  This is even harder than I thought it would be.

  He focuses on me. “What is it, son? You can talk to me.” He’s earnest and sincere. He wants me to talk to him so bad.

  That makes it worse.

  “Do you want to go into the office?”

  I shake my head. “No.” I clear my throat again and use the momentum. “I need you to come with me to talk to Wes.”

  He frowns, trying hard to hide his unease. “Yeah, sure, of course. Are you driving or should I? Does he know we’re coming?” He walks with me to the truck, his eyes looking into my soul, terrified of breaking the spell.

  I shake my head. “I’ll drive. I have his truck. We can go to his house and all drive back together.” I climb in.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes. Marc speaks first. “So, do you want me to ask questions or wait until you talk?”

  “Can you call Mom? Tell her I’m home and want her to come home?” I should blurt it out before I can’t but I want to give him the respect he deserves.

  “Yeah.” He pulls his phone out again and makes the call. He sits quietly after hanging up.

  “Dad?” I ask, feeling way too young.

  “Yes, son.” His voice is tremulous.

  I don’t want to see him cry. I blink away sudden tears. I take a deep breath and swallow.
“I have something I need to tell you.”

  He nods, taking it in. “Okay. I’d like to hear what you have to tell me.”

  “I came home early because of Nikki.”

  “Is everything okay?” He turns in his seat, very concerned. “Persephone called looking for her a couple days ago.”

  I pause, swallowing again.

  This is hard. “She had my babies.”

  His eyebrows are super high up. “Say what?”

  “Nikki had my babies. They’re very premature, I guess. Around nine weeks early. Persephone called me to tell me I needed to come home.”

  “I saw her the night before your mom left. She looked like hell but she didn’t look pregnant. You’re joking.”

  “I’m not.”

  “‘Babies’? Like more than one?”

  I blink to clear my vision. “Yeah. Twins. A boy and a girl. Her mom had a twin.” It’s genetic.

  “Are you serious?” He studies me for a long minute. “Your mama’s gonna flip the fuck out. Are you fucking with me?” He stares at me.

  I shake my head.

  “Have you seen Nikki? Have you seen them? Nine weeks? Are they okay? You were like two weeks early and you looked like if I touched you you’d break.”

  I shrug. “I spent the night at the hospital. I need your help.”

  “I’m not helping you with your eetsa. Did I not tell you not to get her pregnant?”

  He did. Very clearly. “I don’t care. It wasn’t on purpose but I already like them so I’m glad it happened. I’ll be at school and back and forth to New York a lot and I know Mom will want to help her out so I want to be close. I want to build Nikki a house.”

  We spend the rest of the ride talking about land and houses and aesthetics and my plans for school and art. It’s a long way to Roslyn. I should have thought things through. I’m anxious to get back already. But Persephone is there with her just in case anything happens.

  Chapter Sixty-three

  Nikki

  I don’t want to eat my burrito.

  “Eat.” Persephone turns back around, picking up the remote to channel surf. “I don’t want to know any details right now; I just want to know how long this has been going on. I mean, I know at least twenty-nine weeks but if it’s been all along then I’m going to feel really stupid.”

  I swallow and take a drink of my horrible decaf. “It hasn’t been all along. Just since the end of summer. I’ve been pretty terrified of you and your mom hating me. I thought you would, and my mom got in my head. I shouldn’t have let her.”

  “I couldn’t possibly hate you. I love you. I wish I could trade you for him. I’m madder at him than you. I’m mad at him for getting you knocked up and leaving you for six months while he did his thing.”

  That’s not how their mom is going to feel though. “I’ve always thought he was cute. I didn’t mean to, it was just the boy girl thing and curiosity. And then his smell started to drive me crazy. We knew you’d get upset.” I look at her to confirm that she understands. “I said I didn’t want to choose between having you and having him as just a thing and he said that wouldn’t happen, he knew I would always choose you over him as just a thing unless he was more than that and then I wouldn’t have to choose. He told me to give him a chance as more than a thing and I did, thinking maybe it’s what I was supposed to do.”

  She bites her lip, hugging the nursing pillow. “He’s been in love with you always. I thought he was trying to get over you when he said he had someone. I thought he finally gave it up to some trick and that’s why he started talking to you. I thought it was because he moved on.” She shakes her head.

  I didn’t know she thought about it. “He tried hard to hate me for you. I tried for a long time to not even be curious. But you made the mistake of being a jerk to both of us and ditching us for Fuck Face all the time.”

  “Fatal error, right?” She shakes her head, still hugging the pillow and frowning. “He shouldn’t have left you. Like, right after your mom died?”

  “I made him go. And look what he did. He did everything he wanted to and now he can sell his art and go for his dreams. How many people get to say they’ve actually followed their dreams? I can’t. Can you?”

  “Yeah. I can. My dream is for my dad to support me and give me everything I want without having to do anything.” She shrugs. “Here I am.”

  I roll my eyes, “Really?” I shake my head. “He wanted to tell everyone when my mom died but I didn’t want to. It was too much. I needed you guys to love me. I was afraid. And I couldn’t deal with that and possibly ruining his life by getting knocked up, or thinking I did it on purpose to keep him. And then I had to do the court thing for Dexter and I had to think about what happened. I fucked up.” Tears sting my eyes from the guilt.

  “I forgive you. I guess you deserve to be happy. Even if it’s creepy he makes you happy. And I guess I’m happy you’re part of my family forever now.”

  I forgot about the babies for a second and now it hits me and I get a rollercoaster thrill. “I want to go see the babies.”

  “Finish eating and we’ll go.”

  Chapter Sixty-four

  Ares

  I pull the parking brake and turn off the truck in front of my Wesley’s cabin in the woods. My heart is racing.

  “I’ve known your dad a long time, you know,” Marc says as we look at my dad leaning on his porch railing and waiting, curious, “and I can tell you everything you feel about him, he feels about himself three times as hard. And you have every right to feel the way you do.”

  “You know I always have your back. No matter what.”

  I know. I just need his blessing and help with the tribal membership and customs.

  We get out and Wes welcomes us in Sahaptian.

  The house is a log cabin of dark wood. He takes us to the great room without speaking. It’s a big, tall room with a huge fireplace.

  Above the mantle used to be a huge elk head but my painting is there now.

  I stare at it.

  Wow.

  It looks amazing.

  “I stopped hunting, except for deer in season for venison.” He explains. “I don’t hunt for sport anymore after the last time you were here. And only bucks. I have started thanking them for their souls again.” He says, timorous.

  He listened. He understood. “That’s good. For the deer.” I scowl.

  “Yes. I’m sure.” He sighs and looks at Marc. “Do you know why we’re having this meeting?”

  “I think I might have an idea.”

  “The girl, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s nice to hear his voice, isn’t it?”

  Marc nods, tearing up. “Yeah. It is.” He pinches the bridge of his nose again. “The last time I heard his voice he was a little boy.”

  “I know I’ve told you before, but it’s a fitting time to say again I appreciate all you’ve done for them. You’ve had no reason to be so good to me and such a good father to our children and yet you have. You’ve never treated them like anything other than yours.”

  “Well, I stole your wife so it all evens out.” He grins and they embrace, clapping each other’s backs.

  We sit and they chat for a minute while I gather my thoughts.

  They turn their attention back to me, finally, and wait for me to begin.

  Wesley looks at me, rubbing his hands together. “Do you want to just jump in?”

  I take a breath. “I want to know why you’re such a big, fucking asshole,” I tell him, glaring.

  But it sucks because now that I’m here it’s not true.

  He smiles, contrite. “I’m grateful for your honesty. I guess that’s the question of a lifetime, isn’t it? And I guess I’ve been asking myself the same thing for a long time.” He lets out a breath, disappointed. “I want to give you all the answers but I don’t know if I can.”

  “Try,” I tell him.

  “Well,” he starts, “my therapist says I have anger issues.
I’ve been working on it for a long time, since your dad here stepped in and saved us all.” He gestures toward Marc. “My dad was a beater and a drunk and my mother was quiet, I guess. She’d feed him drinks ‘til he passed out and that was that.

  “He was a military guy and very proud. As soon as I was eighteen I signed up and did my two years. My dad wanted me to go career but it wasn’t for me. I didn’t make a lot of friends. I don’t really get along with people. He was disappointed and when I started working for him it was like I was back in the shit, you know? One service for another. And then he married me off to this stuck up little girl who had no respect for me and all she wanted was to run around with this kid.” He gestures to Marc. “She yelled at me and called me names and slapped me when I touched her. I was hurt and miserable and I hated everyone.

  “I started drinking on the way home. My father made my life hell and my blood was hot every day when I punched my card. I’d drink until I couldn’t think and I’d come home to nothing that I thought I deserved so I hit her and she’d hit me back and it felt right. It made me feel better for a minute and then I’d feel guilty and drink.”

  He looks at me. “These are explanations of events, not excuses. Nothing I can say will ever make it go away or make it better able to understand. I had no reason to take my anger out on you. I can tell you I beat the hell out of your mother and she’d walk around with bruises and cuts like she didn’t care what I did to her, like they were a badge of courage, so I hit you so I could see the pain in her eyes, but there’s no reason for it. The plain and simple truth is your mother never loved me, she always loved Marc and we should never have been married.