Maybe Me

by Rachel Kiss

  I look at him, totally unsure.

  “No, really,” he says. “Go ahead. I’ll wait here.”

  Hesitantly, I go down the stairs—and then into raging jealousy. The place is nice. What is Jonah doing on a boat like this? Is he house-sitting it or something? That must be it. Why don’t people ever ask me to baby-sit nice houses? All I get asked to do is water plants. At Mrs. Katz’s. Her house smells like cats. A hundred-thousand of them.

  I freeze.

  Haunting, beautiful music wafts down from the deck, leading me back upstairs like the piped-piper. Jonah is still sitting on the railing, only now he’s playing a harmonica. The music for some reason touches my heart. It actually makes me want to cry a little.

  “That’s pretty,” I whisper.

  He stops playing and looks at me. “You’re pretty,” he says.

  I take a step away from him.

  He watches me do it, tilting his head. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He gets down from the rail. “You get frightened at strange things.”

  “You didn’t scare me. It’s just,” I take a deep breath. “What are you doing here? I mean, what do you want?”

  He studies me silently, his eyes stalling on my lips. Finally, he answers, “What do I want?” His gaze flicks back to my eyes. “You know what I want—I want you.”

  I take another step away from him. He rubs the back of his neck, eyeing the distance I put between us. He sighs in frustration. “But you asked what I’m doing here? It’s my job—I’m boat-sitting for this rich divorced lady.”

  Hearing the term ‘rich divorced lady’ come from his tempting lips, my insides get all yucked out. I mean, shudder.

  I scoff, “That’s all you’re doing for her?—watching her boat?”

  His eyes flicker. He pauses. His eyelids slide closed. “Okay, yeah. What you’re thinking?—that’s part of the job, too. Yes.”

  “Gross!”

  A faint grin hovers on his lips. He lifts an eyebrow. “Not really—not to me. But if you want me to quit my job, I will. Only, it has a lot of perks. A lot. Access to an awesome car, credit cards to department stores—”

  “—where you buy lingerie?”

  He nods. “Sometimes.”

  Then he adds, “—as gifts.”

  “Does your boss know you’re buying other people ‘gifts’ with her credit cards?”

  The muscles in jaw flick. Then he nods slowly. “Probably. Look, she’s not dumb. And it’s just an arrangement. Like I said, she’s not dumb.”

  “No, just incredibly gross.”

  His eyelids slide shut. “She’s really not. But lets stop talking about her, okay?”

  “Because you have a gift for me?”

  He nods. “Right. Actually, I have two for you.”

  “That she bought?—with her credit cards?”

  “Look, will you stop with that? She really wouldn’t mind. But if you mind, I’ll quit my job.”

  “Look, Jonah. No, you don’t have to quit your job for me. I mean, you should probably quit it. But not for me. But I don’t want any more gifts from you—okay? I thought I already made that clear.”

  “You did. This is the last one—unless later you want more.”

  “Jonah, I won’t.”

  He shrugs. “Maybe you will.”

  “I won’t. Not ever.”

  He doesn’t look convinced. He breathes out a puff of air. “Okay, well, take this gift first … and just see, okay?” He hands me an envelope. My name is printed on it, but it’s like a little kid wrote it.

  “It’s a Valentine,” he tells me when I just stare at the envelope, not opening it. “It’s from fifth grade—the year after you gave me my Valentine. You weren’t in my class any more, and you didn’t walk home from school that day—not that I would have given it to you then anyway, since you were always with Luke. But I went to your house to give the card to you—that took a lot of guts for me. And I couldn’t knock on your front door, because I was afraid one of your parents would answer—parents scare me—and I was too nervous. So, I just looked in your window, to see if maybe you were around. Then Luke caught me. And clobbered me.”

  Okay, I’m not made of stone. Any walls I’ve tried building against Jonah are crumbling. Fast. Big time.

  My voice is all hitch-y. “Jonah … I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”

  He shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry.” His voice is laced with sadness, “—‘Cause what I’m going to tell you now is going to make you hate me.”

  I shake my head, violently. “No it won’t.”

  “It will.”

  He sounds resigned. And certain.

  He bites his lip, then explains, “I hit your car on purpose that day—the day we crashed.”

  I blink.

  All the air strangles in my throat.

  What the—??

  I gasp out, “You crashed into me on PURPOSE?!!!”

  “But it wasn’t supposed to go like that, Jazz.” He sounds desperate. For me to understand. “I wasn’t supposed to hit you hard. It was just supposed to be enough that you had to pull over and we’d exchange info, and I could invite you to dinner, since for once you didn’t have a guy hanging on you, being your boyfriend—and Luke was still into Gia. It seemed like it was my perfect time to try with you again. But then no. Of course not. You suddenly stopped, right as I was gunning my engine to catch up to you—and there was an ice patch—it was a horrible nightmare.”

  In a dazed monotone I mutter, “You crashed into me on purpose.”

  His fingers curl in his hair. “I’m so incredibly sorry.”

  Without a word, I march off his boat.

  He says to my back, “Come back at eleven, okay?”

  He quickly texts me: “After you’ve had time to calm down, come back. Eleven. I’ll make you dinner. You’ll give me a chance. Just one. We’ll have an actual date. Jazz, just give me one chance.”

  As I’m running down the pier, he texts me, “Come back at eleven, okay? Please?”

  CHAPTER 19

  Walking home from the docks, I feel conflicted. Jonah always does this to me! Always. But the dude is obviously psycho. So I try to just dwell on that and ditch any tender thoughts towards him.

  And then … I forget all about Jonah, and my heart melts like butter. Because when I get to my house, I see Luke sitting on his roof, just like he used to do all the time at night when we were kids. (Well, we used to do it together.)

  I climb the tree that’s between our two bedroom windows. It’s right in the middle, which made it incredibly easy for us to climb into each other’s windows when we were kids. But now, I don’t stop at either of our windows, of course. I climb up to Luke’s roof and sit beside him.

  “Hey.” He looks happy to see me. Which is good ‘cause a second ago he looked like the saddest, loneliest person on the planet.

  I already know the answer (only one thing gets Luke this down) but I ask it anyway, “Fight with Gia?”

  Luke rubs his face in his hands. “War with Gia.”

  We’re silent a moment, lost in our own thoughts. I lay back, looking up at the magnificent view. “Remember when we were eleven? We used to come up here all the time and look at the stars? And we’d play that game—remember? What we would do when we were sixteen?”

  He grins. “You said you were going to be a cheerleader.”

  I cringe. “Right. Somehow I thought I was going to grow some coordination.” I sigh. “But alas, no.”

  I smile. Then breathe out a laugh. “You were going to be the school football hero.”

  He grins. “Score.”

  Yep. Totally came true. But I make a clever pun about it, because hey, I’m clever. “Right. You always score.”

  He looks away with a grin. “Not with you.”

  “Well, I have standards,” I tease.

  He nods with an I-knew-something-like-that-was-coming up-turn to his lips.

  His eyes flick back to me for a second. “Do you want
to come inside?” he asks.

  The invitation warms me.

  We go down to his basement and play pool and jam on his guitar. When Ally first transferred away we did stuff like this together all the time, now we hardly ever do. Cuz Gia kept having a seizure.

  “Maybe you could just stay here tonight,” Luke says as he lies back on his bed, tossing the junk from it to the ground. “I have an extra sleeping bag. We could both sleep on the floor, like we used to when we were kids. Wanna?”

  “Um—I don’t know.”

  He grins. “What? You’re afraid I’ll attack you? I won’t. I promise.”

  I can feel my face turning red. Since my problem is so the opposite. (He might get attacked—by me. Big time.)

  “Maybe another time,” I mumble, though of course, I long to stay. With all my heart. But I want it wayyy too much. My mushy heart can’t take my Luke-longing. I have to keep reminding myself over and over about the ‘Friend Zone’ thing. Especially now, since he no longer gives me noogies and wet-willies to remind me.

  Luke stares at me deep, like he wants to ask why I won’t stay. But he doesn’t. Instead he starts messing with his amp.

  Just to show off, I play Fade to Black from beginning to end. It sounds so good.

  I sneak a look up at Luke to see if he was paying attention to my awesomeness. Then whoosh! My heart flutters like crazy. ‘Cause Luke is watching me. The way he’s gazing, it’s as though he’s been doing it a long time.

  “What?”

  He’s quiet. “You sounded good.”

  “Yeah?”

  He nods, his eyes never leaving mine. “You should be in a band.”

  “Thanks.”

  Then we’re silent. Just staring at each other. And it’s as though we’re under a romantic magical spell.

  Gazing into his eyes, I’m almost certain he feels the same way as me. It’s beyond amazing. And astonishing. But … weird. I’ve wanted this moment ever since I met him. I ached for it. But now that it finally seems to be here, I have no idea what to do.

  “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about starting a band,” I say, just to say something. “Maybe an all girl one. I could get Megan Turner to sing . . .”

  The way he’s gazing into my eyes, it’s as though he is going to kiss me. Just thinking about it makes my heart pound wild. He’s going to kiss me and I’m going to finally find out what it’s like to feel his soft, pink lips press against mine. I’m gonna …

  “Yeah, Megan Turner,” he murmurs softly, drawing in so close. “… she’s a good singer.”

  I can feel his heat, and his heart pounding hard as his warm hands come on either side of my face. Mmmm.

  His soft lips just barely brush against mine, when … he jumps away. (!!!!!!)

  “Wait—no. Sorry,” he stammers out quickly, backing away some more, like he’d just committed a major sin.

  “It’s okay.”

  His fingers lightly touch his lips, like he can’t believe what he’d almost done with them. “No it’s not. I have a girlfriend. Well, I think I do.” Frustrated, his fingers curl in his hair. “I’m not sure at the moment—we had a huge fight.”

  “Over me.”

  He nods.

  I sigh. “Should I go?”

  “No. Stay. Please stay.”

  I look around his room, trying to get rid of the awkwardness. His eyes follow me. Which so does not help calm my ignited heart. It makes me tremble. And long to gaze back at him, but I don’t because seriously, my heart can’t take this—his eyes on me. I try to make my eyes focus on something other than him. Then—whoa! My gaze latches on to the stapled together papers on his desk. Seeing what it is, my heart soars with happiness.

  I breathe out a laugh, suddenly feeling all euphoric. I grab the homemade ‘book’ and give another happy laugh. “I haven’t seen this forever!”

  It’s a comic book Luke and I were making together back when we were kids. Seeing it makes me feel all warm and gushy inside.

  I gush happily, “I can’t believe you kept it.”

  He grins. “I was just looking through it earlier tonight.”

  He watches me as I gaze at it in wonder. His voice is husky, “You know, we never finished it.”

  “We should!” I tell him excitedly, my heart still oozing with mushiness as my eyes drink in our sweet childhood project, making me feel toasty warm and giddy. Like I might float up to the clouds. He kept it!!!!

  The comic book is about two best friends—a boy and a girl. You might think they were about us—right? Well, they did seem a lot like us. A whole LOT like us. But they were robots. And they lived in an electronic store.

  “We should so totally finish this,” I tell him.

  He nods and murmurs soo quiet, “We should.”

  The adorable book is doing too much to my heart. Wrenching it. I’m going to cry or something. It’s just the book is so sweet—we were so sweet. Best friends.

  Just to keep from crying (cuz I’m a total sap about emotional stuff) I quickly put down the book and lightening fast, change the subject.

  “Remember when we were eleven—up on the roof?—playing our game? The night you said you were going to be the school football hero when you were sixteen—that night you promised you were going to give me your first trophy when you were sixteen and the school football hero.”

  He grins. “Well, it’s a year late, but … ” He gets up like he’s going to head over to his closet.

  “No, don’t bother hunting up a trophy,” I laugh, pulling him back. “Besides, you had promised that it would be engraved and say, ‘To my best friend, Jazz. I won the game for you … just like you won my heart.’ Remember? You promised.”

  “Jazz, give me a second.”

  I gape at him. “Na-uh.”

  He holds up a finger to me, like ‘be patient.’ Then he digs through his closet.

  When he finally emerges, he waves a trophy at me. I can barely breathe.

  He gently hands me the trophy with his eyes glued to mine. “Here. It’s a year late—only because you dated ten thousand different guys last year, so it always seemed a little awkward to give it to you.”

  I take the trophy with a huge lump growing in my throat. I try to read the engraved inscription aloud, but my voice keeps getting all hitch-y, and I’m close to tears. “To my best friend, Jazz. I won the game for you … just like you won my heart.”

  He looks up at me shyly and smiles, “I always keep my promises.”

  Without even knowing I was going to, I grab him by his shirt collar and kiss him, my mouth crashing against his like they are alive and have a life of their own. For a fierce moment, Luke kisses me back like his life is for this—my kiss.

  But then he pulls away. He runs his hands through his hair, then over his face. “Jazz, I can’t do this.”

  He goes to his bedroom door and opens it. Then he stops. He presses his forehead against the doorframe. “Don’t take this wrong, okay? I loved the kiss. But … I have a girlfriend.”

  Then he—he LEAVES!!!!

  CHAPTER 20

  I slog home, my heart throbbing with pain. And doom.

  Did I totally blow it with Luke? Am I FINALLY now out of the ‘Friend Zone’?? … only now I’m dumped into ‘Need-to-Stay-Away-From Zone?’

  I might seriously cry. Like, bawl.

  I didn’t really think of the kiss as him cheating on Gia…. Okay, I hadn’t actually thought about the kiss at all. I just … did it. No thought—just dreamy action.

  Fantasy-fulfilling, yes. Definitely.

  Smart, no.

  Okay, I know that it’s dead wrong that I’m still all over the moon from finally kissing him. But it was … awesome. Until he jumped away. Like I was on fire.

  Sigh.

  As I’m coming up my walkway, I get a text from Jonah. “I left your other gift in your mailbox—not your room. See, I’m learning Jazz. Really. Give me a chance, okay? Come at eleven, please? And wear the gift.”

  The dude is out
of his mind.

  Still, once I’m in my house, I open his “gift.” … ‘cause well, I need a gift.

  It’s a gorgeous top. Totally beautiful. But also totally, totally sexy. Ain’t no way I’m ever wearing it around Jonah.

  But, wow. It must have cost a fortune. The dude has serious shopping power with those department store credit cards he gets to wield around.

  My head and heart still in a funk over my doomed relationship with Luke (sigh) I grab a box of Pop Tarts from the kitchen and take them upstairs with me, planning to curl up with them while I watch Xander—er, I mean, Buffy—reruns.

  But I freeze in my doorway.

  ‘Cause there’s a wrapped box on my bed.

  I do a face-palm.

  Jeez, didn’t Jonah just proudly text me that he was ‘learning?’

  I grumble, “What kind of FREAK is he?”

  I mean, he’s still breaking into my room to give me gifts??? Gah! I’m seriously gonna have to tell on the dude. He’s leaving me no choice.

  Drawing out a frustrated breath, I open the box.

  My heart slams against my chest.

  I stare at the “gift” with a chill crawling down my spine.

  In the box, is a doll.

  With its head ripped off.

  CHAPTER 21

  Shaking, I throw the box across the room.

  Then run to the bathroom because I’m going to be sick. I can’t believe Jonah would do that—leave me such a scary, horrid gift. I know I always call him psycho—but the gift really is psycho. So psycho I’m going to puke in the toilet and then call the police. Immediately.

  But when I slam open my bathroom door, there is a form of a body trying to hide behind my sink.

  CHAPTER 22

  In a panic, I flip on the bathroom light, expecting to have a full-on, face-to-face scuffle with Psycho Jonah. It has my heart slamming.

  But when I switch on the light, I discover it’s not Psycho Jonah that’s cringing and trying to be invisible behind my sink—it’s Psycho Lily.

  Lily!!

  Jonah’s Lily.