by Elouise East
“It doesn’t matter if the bowl is left there until later. I can save some water by waiting until I have more pots to wash after dinner,” he rationalised.
Although his forehead was sweating and his stomach churned, he retreated to his office, steps hesitant and slow. He closed the door behind him, leaning against it and stared up at the ceiling as his breath escaped in a rush, and a small smile crossed his face. It was such a little thing, but a victory, nonetheless.
Craig traipsed over to his desk chair and dropped into it, pulling out the notebook he had bought to do his counselling homework in. At the end of each session, Amanda said she would be giving him something to work towards that week. This week, it was discontinuing unnecessary learned habits.
He pulled out the sheet Amanda had given him, flipped to the first page of the notebook and wrote down what she wanted to know. Finished, Craig closed the notebook, replaced it on the desk and leaned back in his chair. He rubbed his hands over his face and scooted his chair closer to his computer.
Work had been piling up. He had been able to get some done while he was at his parents, but he was getting more and more enquiries. It had been a struggle for him when they had first come in via email because Darren had been the one to organise his schedule. With that in mind, Craig accessed the scheduling program Darren had used and got reacquainted with it. He had a list of people he needed to get back to about when he would be able to do the work for them, and now he could see his diary, it was easier to figure it all out.
Craig placed a hand on his stomach as it rumbled loud enough to interrupt his concentration. He glanced at the clock on the computer, raising his eyebrows when he saw three hours had passed. Entering the final confirmed client into the scheduling document and automatically logging the time he finished working, the air became trapped in his lungs when he saw he had not signed on. How would he know how long he’d been working for? Darren would—
Craig froze. Amanda’s voice reminded him to calm down.
“If you panic, you need to remember to breathe. Count your breath in for four beats, out for six beats. In for four beats, out for six beats. Once you have control of your breathing, your mind will calm, allowing you to think rationally.”
He closed his eyes, following her instructions, letting air to seep back into his lungs. His thoughts became clearer, allowing him to finally escape from his past. One final breath and Craig stood, reaching his arms to the sky and bending left to right, his back realigning with several clicks.
He exited the office and strode to the kitchen. His mother had emptied the fridge before he had gone to stay with them, and she’d sent him home with grocery supplies. Craig consciously made a large tuna salad for his lunch, enjoying the solitude, at least until his phone chimed. Pulling it out of his pocket, he sighed, placed the phone on the counter and added some more vegetables to the already large quantity.
A knock had him trudging to the door and opening it without checking who it was. He immediately swerved back to the kitchen, knowing his guest would follow.
“No, ‘hello, how are you today?’” Aaron’s tone betrayed the smile on his face.
Craig smirked and shook his head. “I forgot how annoying you could be.”
“I aim to please.” Aaron was quiet enough that Craig glanced over at him.
“Where’s Rhea and Harley?” Craig enquired about Aaron’s wife and daughter, who were usually glued to his side.
Aaron smiled. “They’ve gone shopping.”
Craig snorted. “Why am I not surprised you figured out an excuse to not go with them.” He picked up a salad-filled plate and passed it to Aaron. Clutching his own, he pivoted, pausing and swallowing hard at the lump in his throat when Darren’s empty seat mocked him. He clenched his jaw to withhold a whimper.
Aaron paused, his fork halfway to his mouth as his gaze locked on Craig. “Everything okay?”
Craig licked his lips and swallowed before trailing to the table. He set his plate down, took another breath, and sat, eyelids flickering. Fidgeting to get comfortable, he finally picked up the knife and fork and grazed on his food, his appetite had diminished with the strain of overcoming yet another unnecessary habit.
“Craig?” He focused on Aaron’s voice. “Are you alright?”
Craig nodded. “Yeah. I’m good.”
Aaron frowned for a second, nodded and spoke about the latest trouble his three-year-old had been in, followed by his progress on his daughter’s namesake—his own Harley Davidson motorcycle he was restoring.
Lying in bed that night, Craig reviewed the positives and negatives of the day. Several times, he had succumbed to the habits instilled in him by Darren, and several times, he had overcome them. Tomorrow was another day.
Aaron had stayed for over two hours before receiving a call from his wife, asking him to pick them up. Craig had had a moment of panic when he understood how long a break he had taken but calmed. Yet again, Amanda’s voice reminded him it would take time for behaviours to be unlearned.
Overall, Craig was pleased with his progress.
As was Amanda when he met with her the following week.
Flipping through his homework, she smiled. “You’ve done an amazing job, Craig. By completing this diary—which I will need you to continue to do—we will be able to see what your triggers are. And by identifying them, we can create a way to overcome them.” She pointed into his notebook. “For example, you wrote here that your alarm went off at four o’clock, and you stopped working to make dinner. The alarm on your phone, who put it there?” Amanda studied him.
Craig frowned, trying to remember when it had been set up. He rubbed two fingers across his mouth and shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s difficult to remember a time when it wasn’t there.”
“Alright. Do you need to finish work at four o’clock every day?”
Craig worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “I don’t think so.”
“Therefore, you could work longer, or shorter, if you wanted to?”
Craig nodded slowly. “Yes.” His voice sounded shaky and quiet.
“Your homework this week is to continue with your diary, write down your achievements, but also to figure out the best time for you to end work in an evening. If you want to, leave the alarm on your phone at four o’clock, then when it sounds, check your body’s response. Ask yourself, am I hungry? If you are, go and make dinner. If you’re not, reset the alarm for another half an hour. And repeat. Over the next week, you may find a better time for you to finish working.”
Craig’s gaze flittered over the far side of the room as he considered what Amanda had set him. “I can eat when I want to eat.” He frowned, repeating the words in his head.
“You can. And you can eat what you want to eat.” Amanda nodded.
“Alright.” Craig glanced back at Amanda and nodded.
Craig wandered to the hospital restaurant, intent on buying a hot drink for the journey home. He needed the caffeine pick-me-up of a tea or coffee after rehashing everything with Amanda. Paying for his coffee, he pivoted towards the exit, spying Alex entering seconds before Alex saw him.
“Hey. Nice to see you again.” Alex smiled, and Craig saw his front teeth were crooked. He didn’t know why the observation had shown so strongly at that point.
“Hi.”
Alex indicated Craig’s cup. “Coffee here is better than the machine’s upstairs.” He faked a shiver of disgust, or at least Craig thought Alex faked it.
“Good to know.” Craig wanted to say something else. “How’s work?”
“Same old. Long, busy hours.” Alex hesitated. “Hey, I was coming in to grab a snack before the next rush starts. Would you like to join me?”
Craig pinched his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger as he inspected the floor.
“It’s okay. Another time.” Alex’s voice held a hint of disappointment, which was what cemented Craig’s answer.
“No. I’d like that. Thanks.”
A
lex’s answering beam made Craig’s pulse surge. Craig followed as Alex picked up his food and strode over to a window table.
“Hope this is alright.” Alex indicated the table.
“Fine.” Craig nodded.
He sat opposite Alex and studied his cup, fiddling with the lid.
“How have you been?” Alex’s voice was pitched at the careful tone doctors always seem to be able to master. The tone which made you want to word-vomit your whole disastrous life.
But Craig couldn’t do that, could he? No. Alex couldn’t be interested in him as a friend, not with all the issues he came with. Plus, Craig didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. It would be better if he quit speaking to Alex instead of encouraging him. He decided to leave.
Unfortunately, his mouth had other ideas.
Chapter 17
Alex
Alex was glad Craig had agreed to sit with him, especially as he’d been thinking about him since Craig had left the hospital. He hadn’t thought he could get away with another house call, and Casey had been against it. Casey had rightly thought Craig needed time to process everything, and if Alex had turned up, it would bring back everything which had happened to Craig.
Alex had told Casey he hadn’t planned on making a gesture of everlasting love, but he acquiesced that Casey was right. It was too soon, and it would seem a bit forceful and uncaring to show up despite what Alex’s heart was telling him. His emotions had not diminished at all since Craig had left, though.
Seeing Craig in the restaurant had his pulse increasing and his hands sweating. Alex hadn’t been sure whether he should approach him, but his feet seemed to answer for him; he’d been beside Craig before he knew it, never expecting Craig to agree to sit with him.
Alex wanted to know how Craig had been without being too invasive or asking questions, which might spook him into leaving. A generic question came out.
Craig sighed, gripping his cup until his fingers were white, and Alex wondered whether the cup would survive. “I’ve been better.” Craig’s eyebrows rose at his own words, and his lips pinched shut.
Alex was surprised at the response, and by the expression on Craig’s face, so was he. Alex hadn’t expected Craig to say anything but “fine” and change the subject. “I can imagine.” Alex didn’t assume to know everything about Craig—he didn’t—but he wanted to let Craig know he wasn’t on his own. Alex had seen Amanda in the corridors a few days ago and asked her to pass on his well-wishes to Craig. She’d hesitated but agreed, although Alex hadn’t been sure whether she would.
“My sister told me she’s expecting again.” Alex spoke about his family, hoping the subject change would ease the grip Craig had on his cup. “She has a son, Danny, who’s two. He’s right cheeky.” Alex grinned, thinking about Danny’s antics. “Ella—that’s my sister—wasn’t expecting to have another child so soon. She wants a big family, don’t get me wrong. But she had planned to wait another year, I think.”
“Do you have any other siblings?” Craig asked tentatively.
“Nope. Me and Ella.”
“I have three brothers.”
Craig’s response was hesitant but welcome. Alex knew next to nothing about Craig’s past or family, other than what Craig had said on his previous visits, and Alex was eager to learn more.
“Wow. Are they older than you?” Alex tried not to push too hard with his questioning.
“Blake is five years older—you met him when I left the hospital that day.” Craig glanced at Alex. “Aaron is three years older, and Brandon is two years younger. They have families of their own, too.” Craig frowned. “I missed out on a huge amount over the past few years.”
“I’m sure they understand.”
“I’m not sure they understand, but they accept it.” Craig snorted. “I spent nearly three weeks with them after I left the hospital. It was nice to see them again, but I was glad to be home. I’d conveniently forgotten some of the annoying and idiotic things my brothers used to do, like mess up my hair, but also things I hadn’t remembered, like my parents’ house always smelling of lavender.” Craig glanced at his hands, his thumbs tracing patterns on the cup. “Sorry, you don’t want to hear this.”
If only he knew. “It’s fine. I’m happy to listen.” He tried to soften his proclamation. “My parents are renewing their vows this year. Ella told me we are paying for them to go on a second honeymoon to Italy as a present.” Alex chuckled. “I have no say in the matter.”
Craig smiled at him. “Do you not want to?”
“I’m more than happy to pay for it. It makes me laugh when Ella takes over. She’s a bit of a planner, which is why the pregnancy happening now threw her a bit.”
Craig snickered. “I can imagine.”
His next words were interrupted by Alex’s pager going off, and Alex witnessed Craig’s withdrawal, physically, mentally and emotionally. It was painful to see. He checked the pager and stood, corralling his rubbish.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Alex wanted nothing more than to ask if Craig would meet him next time, but knew it was too soon for Craig. He had to bite his lip to stop from asking.
“It’s okay. Thanks for the company.” Craig stood, holding his cup and offered a smile to Alex before twisting to walk away.
“Craig!” Alex waited until Craig twisted around. “See you soon.” He shouldn’t have said it, but he wanted Craig to know he wasn’t the burden to Alex that Craig appeared to feel he was.
Craig lifted the corners of his mouth in an obvious attempt at a smile and strode off, throwing his cup in the bin as he passed it.
Alex blew out a breath before his pager went off again, reminding him he was needed on the ward. Throwing his rubbish away, he hustled to the nurses’ station to find out what the problem was. When they knew he was on lunch, they only paged him if there was no one else who could cover for a few minutes.
Arriving, he asked, “Gloria? What’s the problem?”
Gloria glanced over at him, a pained expression on her face. “Sorry for calling you back, Dr Wick. The patient in room six is asking questions about the procedure and is getting worked up about it. We’ve tried to calm her down, but I think it would be better if you could answer her questions.”
“No problem, Gloria. I’ll go see her now.”
“What’s wrong, Alex?” Gloria’s narrowed gaze locked with his.
Alex sighed. “I was with Craig.”
Gloria’s eyebrows rose. “How is he?” She had taken a shine to Craig and often asked if Alex had seen him.
“Alright, I think. Still has low self-esteem, understandably.” Alex frowned. “I hate seeing him beaten down, especially after knowing how strong and confident he was previously.”
“It’s not easy. You know that. You see enough cases go through the hospital each week.”
“I know. I hate it.” With a half-hearted smile, he headed off to room six.
****
Alex held his side with one hand, gasping for air as he bent over in his chair.
“It’s not funny, Alex!” Casey chastened.
All Alex could do was nod helplessly as laughter flowed through him. Casey had told him about his date the previous night and an unfortunate incident with some handcuffs. The poor guy—Casey’s date, not Casey—had been locked up for several hours when the key had been knocked off the side of the sink and down the plughole. Casey ended up having to call Logan to help.
“You’re an asshole, Alex.” Casey crossed his arms on his chest and glared across the bar, though he couldn’t hide his slight smile.
Once Alex had regained the use of his lungs, he sat up, wiping his face. “Oh my god, I needed that.” He gulped a healthy swallow of his beer before clearing his throat. “How did Logan take it?”
Casey glanced back at him and sniggered. “How do you think? ‘Well done, Casey. That’s one way to catch a crook. What did he do? Rip your clothes off in your sleep?’ The guy didn’t know what to do with himself. He thought he was in
real trouble! Especially as Logan came in full detective mode.”
“What’s the guy’s name, anyway?”
“Does it matter? I’m never going to see him again. I’m too fucking embarrassed!” Casey pouted.
“You never know. Maybe he thought it was hot?” Alex tried to make light of the situation.
Casey’s eyebrows rose. “So when he said, “Is this a game you two play? You’re fucking nuts!” as he left, you think I have a chance?” He cocked his head, waiting for Alex’s response.
Alex grimaced. “Sorry.”
Casey snorted. “Never mind. Handcuffs are now waaaaay down on my list of things to use in the bedroom.”
“Or bathroom,” Alex added with a guffaw.
“Shut up!” Casey punched Alex in the shoulder, laughing.
“I should arrest you for bodily harm after that punch, Casey Taylor.”
Casey jerked, having had his back to Logan’s approach. Alex sniggered. “Asshole! You could’ve warned me!” Casey went to punch Alex again, but he discontinued at Logan’s voice.
“Now, now, now. You don’t want me to put you in handcuffs now, do you?”
“Oh, fuck off!” Casey leaned back against the booth seat and pinned Logan with a glare which had been known to back other people away hastily.
Alex bit his lip to contain his humour.
“Didn’t think I’d see you two in here tonight?” Logan sat next to Alex when Casey refused to budge.
“It’s a bit busy for my liking, but we needed a night to blow off steam.”
Logan nodded.
Alex glanced at him, gnawing his bottom lip. He wanted information about Craig’s case but knew he couldn’t ask. Swallowing his questions, he went back to his drink. Logan chuckled. “What?” Alex frowned.
Logan smirked at him. “Darren won’t be leaving prison now. There’re copious amounts of evidence against him. Craig’s safe.” Logan’s forehead creased, his gaze dropping to the table. “We found out he’d done it before. An ex-boyfriend came forward and is willing to testify.”
