How to Rebuild (Hearts & Horsepower #4)

by A. K. Evans

  Avery took a moment to think about it. “I don’t know,” she started. “I’m not sure there’s a single word to describe him. Mostly though, when I see him, it just makes me feel sad. More than anything else, he’s hurting. Maybe heartbroken is the best way to describe him.”

  Closing my eyes again, feeling so defeated, I murmured, “I’m so embarrassed to admit that I made a mistake by letting him go.”

  “You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about admitting you made a mistake,” Kendall said. “Now, if you don’t do anything to fix the mistake, that’s something you can feel ashamed of.”

  “Do you want to fix it?” Scarlet wondered.

  “I miss him so much,” I repeated my earlier sentiment. “And I want him back. I just… I just don’t know if he’ll take me back. I don’t know how to rebuild what we had.”

  Avery reached out and curled her fingers around my forearm. “Trust me, Elise, he’ll take you back. And I have no doubt he’ll work just as hard as ever to get you both back to where you were.”

  “What changed?” Scarlet asked.

  “What do you mean?” I responded.

  She shrugged. “I mean, I understand how you said you panicked when everything happened a few weeks ago, but you had reasons you gave Kieran for ending things,” she started. “Did something change for you so that you’re prepared to fight for what you had with him?”

  Nodding, I answered, “I pushed him away and told him I needed to protect myself. I had just learned that my brother betrayed me. It was seriously messing with my already cluttered mind. You all know where I was that day we went out for lunch when this whole thing started. I had fallen in love with him but was still struggling with it. When everything imploded, I freaked. It was easier to push him away instead of having to deal with the fear I felt.”

  “And now?” Kendall pressed.

  “Nothing feels good,” I murmured.

  Kendall, Scarlet, and Avery all stared at me, dumbfounded.

  “What?” Avery asked.

  I was talking in circles, leaving them confused. I needed to get right down to it, so they could help me figure out how to fix this.

  “After months of heartache and worry about the future of Flynn Beauty, I managed to have a successful launch three weeks ago. We’re back, things are great, and I should be over the moon about it. In a way, I am. I’m happy for my employees and the brand as a whole, but it just doesn’t feel right. The success of the launch doesn’t feel as good as I think it should have. And I know it’s because I didn’t have him there to celebrate it with me. Worse yet, I know that’s what he wanted to be able to do.”

  I paused, felt my emotions getting the best of me, and rasped, “Nothing brings me joy anymore. I was scared when I ended things with him. I was scared long before we got to that point. But I’d rather be scared than be alone. And the truth is, the more time I’ve had to think over these last few weeks, the more I realized I was afraid for no reason. Kieran stood by my side when I learned what happened with my brother. I’m making him pay for the sins of others. And even though I know there are no guarantees that things won’t go south between us, I think he’s worth that risk. I’ve never been as happy as I was when I was with him.”

  There was a collective silence among us.

  With tears in her eyes, Scarlet ordered, “Then you need to do whatever you’ve got to do to get him back.”

  “How?”

  “Tomorrow,” Avery declared.

  My eyes snapped in her direction. “Tomorrow?” I repeated.

  She nodded, but it was Kendall who stated, “Yes, at the track. We’re all going there for testing for the first time this season.”

  “You can support him in what he loves to do the same way he’s supported you,” Scarlet noted. “Plus, Avery and Logan are both going to be testing. It’ll be my first time seeing Ryker in action at the track. I can’t wait.”

  The track.

  We’d talked about going together, and I had been so excited about it.

  “You don’t think he’ll mind if I show up there?” I asked. “Should I call him first and make sure he’s cool with it?”

  “Surprise him,” Kendall insisted.

  “Really?”

  “Yes,” Avery agreed. “He needs it. Trust me.”

  Nodding slowly, I said, “Okay. Tomorrow.”

  “Elise?” Scarlet called.

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s going to be okay,” she promised. “And if for some crazy reason it’s not, we’ve got your back.”

  They did.

  I knew they did.

  And that was what made this whole thing even more ridiculous. I was certain, absolutely certain, that after I let Kieran go, I’d lose Avery and Kendall. They had a loyalty to their men, to LT Motorsports, and I didn’t think I’d make the cut.

  But they proved me wrong. Even though I’d hurt their friend, a man who was a best friend to their men, they didn’t turn their backs on me. If that didn’t speak volumes about the kind of women they were, nothing else would.

  So, on top of the fact that I’d known for weeks that I made a mistake in letting Kieran walk away, I was also shown that I’d been doing the same thing with everyone. Instead of giving them the chance to show me what kind of people they were with their actions, I decided their fate for them.

  It was unfair to them and myself.

  Because I was missing out on having some incredible people in my life.

  And while it was possible that anything could happen down the road, I realized I couldn’t continue to live my life worrying about things that might not ever happen.

  Feeling the overwhelming sense of safety and comfort in the presence of these three strong women, I rasped, “Thank you, ladies, for being here for me. It means more than you’ll ever know.”

  Since she was the closest to me, Avery leaned in and pulled me into a hug. “There’s no need to explain it, Elise,” she said. “We all get it.”

  After squeezing her back just as tight to communicate how much this meant to me, I separated from her and said, “Okay, I need your help.”

  “With what?” Kendall asked.

  “I’ve got a man I want to win back tomorrow,” I told them. “And while I’ve got plenty of outfits that scream irresistible, I’m not sure they’ll be appropriate for the race track.”

  “I never thought I’d see the day that someone would be coming to me for fashion advice,” Avery muttered.

  At that, we all burst out laughing.

  Then we climbed the stairs and raided my closet for the perfect outfit to convince Kieran to give me another shot.

  I couldn’t remember a time when I felt so nervous before now.

  Not when I woke up one morning and realized my company was on the brink of collapse, not when I prepared to launch a new collection after that disaster, and not even when I knew I was going to have to face my brother again when he was sentenced for the crimes he admitted to committing.

  This was a level of nerves and anxiety I hadn’t ever experienced. I had no idea what to do with any of what I was feeling.

  Despite the nerves, there was no way I was going to avoid doing this. Not trying to get Kieran back wasn’t an option for me. I just wish I would have thought a bit more about the location I planned to make my grand statement.

  The track.

  There’d be so many people.

  What if… what if he wanted nothing to do with me?

  What was I thinking? This could quite possibly be the most humiliating and gut-wrenching experience of my life.

  Of course, Kieran didn’t know I would be coming to the track, so I could hold off and do it later or another day.

  But that wasn’t an option for me either.

  This had gone on for too long. I wanted him back. And I hoped, with everything in me, that he wanted me back, also.

  I’d been sitting in my car for a long time now, trying to muster up the courage. Technically, I’d already announced my presence
to Scarlet. I sent her a text when I’d arrived and asked where I would need to go to find them. She gave me precise directions on how to get where I was going before she wished me good luck.

  By now, I’m sure she was growing worried about me because it had been a while. Even for someone who hadn’t ever been at the track, I should have made it to where they were by now.

  In order to not make her panic, and because there wasn’t much for me to do besides suck it up and get it done, I took in one more deep breath and got out of the car. Then I made the torturous walk through the lot, past the gate, and through what Scarlet called the pits. It was lined with trailers, people, and cars.

  It was loud.

  But if there was one thing I observed on the walk to Kieran, it was what I saw in the faces of the people surrounding each of the cars. There was an overwhelming sense of camaraderie. Of family. And if this was any indication of what Kieran was part of, what I could have in my life, I wanted it.

  My eyes were scanning through the rows and rows of cars when I finally spotted someone familiar. Nash had been crouched down behind a car, looking at something underneath it, and stood up as I was approaching. He hadn’t seen me yet.

  Nobody else had either.

  The rest of the crew was scattered around three different cars. I had no idea which ones belonged to Logan and Avery, but I had to assume they were among the three there.

  Butterflies fluttered madly in my belly with each step I took closer to where I suspected I would finally see Kieran.

  Suddenly, my eyes landed on him.

  Though it was still chilly outside, heat spread through me at the sight of him. Kieran was bent over the front of the car, working on something in the engine bay.

  He didn’t see me.

  But I saw him.

  And he was magnificent.

  Conversations were happening all around me, but I couldn’t pay attention to any of it. I was too distracted by him. Kieran. Here. Working on a car.

  God, was there anything hotter?

  I shook my head, trying to rid myself of those thoughts to focus and be prepared for what I needed to say to him once he realized I was there. Not wanting to interrupt, I waited patiently, watching him work and loving every single second of it.

  Suddenly, I noticed he was getting a bit agitated. I only knew this because he was becoming a bit more vocal. Taking two steps closer, I listened to the conversation.

  “Let me take over, Kieran,” Logan told him.

  “For what? I’ve got it,” Kieran argued.

  “I know you do,” Logan insisted. “But you have something else you need to deal with right now.”

  Logan’s eyes drifted to me, and I realized he had noticed me standing there. He wanted to take over for Kieran because he knew that Kieran and I would have more than a few things to talk about. Unfortunately, Kieran stood up straight and pinned his eyes on his boss. “What?” he asked. “This is my job.”

  “Yes, and the sooner you deal with what you need to deal with, the more efficient I expect you’ll be,” Logan countered.

  “Don’t start with me on this again,” Kieran warned him. “We’re not discussing this.”

  Yikes.

  There had been no doubt in my mind that Logan had been referring to me, considering he saw me. But hearing Kieran’s words, I started wondering just how bad the last three weeks had been for him. Based on what he said, it seemed as though he’d had at least one conversation about his situation with me. I had a feeling it wasn’t just one conversation and that it wasn’t only with Logan.

  “Not with me, you aren’t,” Logan assured him.

  “What?”

  Lifting his hand in my direction, Logan pointed at me.

  Kieran spun around and saw me standing there. Something moved over his face, something I couldn’t read.

  “Don’t stop,” I said. “Please, finish what you were doing.”

  Kieran held my gaze a few more seconds before he looked away and held a couple of tools out to Logan. Then he completely ignored my request and stalked toward me.

  Coming to a stop inches away from me, Kieran looked in my eyes. His voice was deep and scary when he asked, “What are you doing here?”

  Okay. Okay, maybe I should have considered this a bit more.

  I was here now, though.

  I swallowed hard and murmured, “I wanted to know how to do it.”

  “Do what?” he asked.

  Taking in another deep breath, I rasped, “I wanted to know how to rebuild your trust and faith in me.”

  Kieran took about ten seconds to simply stare at me before he reached out and took my hand in his. Then he led me past the crowd of onlookers and into an enclosed trailer.

  Once inside, he walked forward and leaned his hips against the cabinets lining the front wall.

  “What do you want, Elise?” he clipped, his arms crossed over his chest.

  He was so angry.

  Angry in a way I never expected.

  Oh god. He wasn’t going to forgive me. He wasn’t going to take me back. I had ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

  Understanding my fate, I steeled my spine and decided I needed to tell him what I was there to say to him. He deserved that much from me.

  “I’m sorry,” I started. “I know that probably doesn’t even come close to making up for what I did, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m sorry, Kieran. I never meant to hurt you like I did. It was wrong, and I was so, so stupid for pushing you away.”

  Tears filled my eyes as I paused a moment and took in his unflinching stare. It was so intense. I needed to finish this and get out of here before I completely cracked.

  “I miss you,” I began again. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even get through a single hour without thinking about you. My life is miserable without you in it. Nothing makes me happy. You want to know what I’m doing here? Well, I came here to tell you I want you back. I want you back in my life and in my bed. But now I realize how badly I’ve hurt you, and I understand it’s too late. I’m sorry.”

  I took a few steps forward and closed the distance between us. I needed to touch him one last time.

  With a tear rolling down my cheek, I lifted a hand and gently cupped the side of his face. My thumb stroked over the skin there before I shifted it and dragged the pad of it along his bottom lip.

  “I love you, Kieran,” I declared. Too caught up in my misery, I overlooked his entire frame locking at my words. Instead, I continued, “You are the greatest, kindest, most incredible man I’ve ever known. And before I go, I want you to know I’ll never forget you.”

  When he didn’t respond, I dropped my hand away and turned to walk away, the ache in my chest so crushing it was a wonder I hadn’t collapsed under the pressure of it.

  Before I could take one step, Kieran’s fingers curled around my bicep, and I was immediately hauled up against his chest. He drove his other hand into my hair while his eyes searched my face.

  “You love me?” he asked, his voice so thick with emotion.

  Nodding, I confirmed, “So much it hurts to not be with you. It hurts everywhere, Kier. Baby, I can’t—”

  He silenced me by crushing his mouth to mine. My legs buckled, and his hand at my bicep wrapped around my back to keep me plastered against him. As his tongue swept into my mouth, I whimpered. The emotions took over, and all I felt was immense relief.

  Relief and hope and love.

  When he’d gotten his fill of me, Kieran tore his mouth from mine. We were both breathing heavily as we gazed into each other’s eyes.

  Believing I’d said all I could say, I practiced patience and waited. He had to be the next one to speak. He had to say something to me. As long as he continued to hold me against him like he was, I’d stay silent forever.

  “Are you going to give it to me?” he asked.

  My brows pulled together. “What?”

  Kieran’s hand left the back of my head. He pointed one finger right at t
he center of my chest and clarified, “This. I need to know you’re going to give me all of this, and you’re going to let me in there.”

  “You’re already in there, Kieran. I was just too afraid to admit it,” I replied.

  It was then I realized how tense he’d been because at my words, I felt his body relax against mine.

  For the next several moments, Kieran and I stayed just like that, our bodies pressed against one another’s while we stared at each other. Eventually, he said softly, “Missed you so much, lady.”

  Lady.

  Hearing that again, I wanted to cry. Instead, I dropped my face to his chest and took a few deep breaths. When I lifted my gaze to him again, there were tears in my eyes.

  In the next instant, Kieran blessed me with his gorgeous smile. Then he pressed another kiss to my lips. When he pulled back, he asked, “Are you staying here to watch?”

  “If you want me to, I’d love to watch,” I answered.

  “I want you to watch,” he said with a twitch at the corners of his mouth.

  “Sorry if I interrupted what you were doing out there,” I lamented.

  Cocking an eyebrow, Kieran said, “First of all, you came here to apologize, and what was it? Get me back in your bed, right? So, I don’t need an apology for that. And the truth of the matter was that I was changing a head gasket and had already done the brunt of the work. Logan was more than capable of finishing it up.”

  “Okay.”

  “Why does it seem like you’ve got something else on your mind with that?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just… well, I think you look incredibly handsome when you’re working on a car.”

  Kieran groaned. “Lady, it’s been too long since I’ve had you,” he noted. “Don’t say things that are going to make me walk out on my team today.”

  “Sorry,” I apologized. “I’ll try to be good.”

  “If you’re not, I’m happy to give you what I know you’ve wanted for a while now,” he said.

  Confused, I asked, “What’s that?”

  Kieran lowered his voice and answered, “I’ll spank your ass when I get you in bed tonight.”