Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  And no Frankie.

  Oh Frankie. They’re not telling me where you are. They said no one was home but they’re not telling me where you are. I hope to God you’re at Mum’s and not in a ditch somewhere. Or worse. Did you set this up, Patti? Oh God, is it something I’ve done? I haven’t done anything that could hurt you, Patti. I would never do anything, you know that. Is it the pills again? But you were off them. You were OK. We were OK. Oh God, Patti. If you could walk through that door right now. Get me out of here.

  At last the detective sergeant returns. He has another man with him. Detective Inspector Isherwood, he says. They take their seats on the other side of the table. Len waits again while the detective sergeant rummages for a handkerchief and blows his nose.

  — Right, Mr Walters. I’m afraid we have some —

  Len Walters’ blood roars in his ears. He completes the sentence in his head even as the detective is speaking.

  — very bad news for you.

  But the man’s next words: Your wife — seems to jolt the chair from under him. So that he is suddenly standing, repeating My wife? My wife? Drowning out what the inspector has to say and suddenly shouting, My son. What about my son? Where’s my son? Pressing with his hands, leaning into the table and aiming the words directly across at the stony face of the inspector, who waits patiently for him to finish before he resumes.

  — Your wife, Mr Walters, was found dead at your home this morning. Her body is being held at the Coroner’s office in Chapel Street.

  It is not what he expected. He has no idea what to do with the information. He is not equipped. He says, Then what are we doing here? He wants to say, She needs me, but he says again, Where’s my son?

  The inspector does not answer either of his questions. He says, Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me where you were on the night of Tuesday, July the eighteenth, Mr Walters.

  Chapter 3

  SATURDAY AM

  (That’s the morning)

  I was starving when I woke up (not really so don’t worry) but I had to stay where I was because it wasn’t light yet only electric light. Yes really! They kept the lights on all night so you didn’t have to be afraid of the dark (and do screaming). Getting up was as tricky as going to bed. I had to be careful people didn’t see me. I was sure they wouldn’t let you sleep all by yourself on the deck. At least I didn’t think they would. If a sailor saw me walking about at night he would say What are you doing sunny (only it wouldn’t be!) out here all by yourself at night? And then I would be scared even with the lights on.

  So. I needed to wait for it to start lightening — but not thundering (haha) — and then do spying until it was safe to get up.

  You know why I had to do hiding at night don’t you? It’s because I didn’t have a cabin. And I didn’t have a cabin because I didn’t have a ticket and I didn’t have a ticket because I didn’t have any money (you know that). But I got on board anyway. (You know that too. I’m just reminding you.)

  I was all achey and cold. My bedroom was not very comfortable. The floor was too hard. I had tried pulling on the bottom mattress so I could lie on it but there wasn’t room to pull properly and it was too heavy anyway. I was afraid they would wobble. Then people would think it was a rat. A giant one! (That’s another joke.)

  When it was proper light I got up. I had to walk fast I had been waiting so long. It was a good job they had the little feet to keep the doors open. The only person I saw was somebody cleaning. He was polishing the clips on the stair carpet. He was a foreigner too but he could speak the right language. He said God bless my soul. (So he had one.) I didn’t know what to say back. I said Excuse me. And he said Sir. So I said Excuse me sir. And he said No. Pardon me. You’re the sir. Then when I went by him he said Thank you sir. Mind yourself sir. I was very confused. In fact I was completely puzzled. I expect it was because he was foreign.

  I had a nasty shock when I looked in the mirror in the toilets. I was all dirty! I washed my hands fourteen times and washed my face and dried it on the roller towel. I did not know you could get so dirty. It is because I am always hiding behind stuff or crawling on the floor looking for food and useful things. I didn’t have a comb so I used my fingers. My hair was sticking up a bit at the back but I have seen lots of boys like that. And some of them even make it stick up at the front. On purpose.

  When I was all clean I went out again to find my cheese. My cache is not very handy. I was even more starving thinking about it. I pretended I was a refugee. .They come from Hungary so that’s really funny. But not for them haha. MyMum said sometimes refugees don’t eat anything for days and days. Sometimes weeks and months so I am really lucky. I think she exaggerates. But I think she is right about the lucky bit.

  Or maybe not. Sometimes I forget that MyMum is dead. But that is probably better than remembering.

  Stolen Goods. That’s what they call it. I had to stretch up high. A good job no one could see. I broke off a big piece and put the rest back for later. (That’s like remainders when you do dividing. MyMum taught me dividing. She said Sometimes I think school is holding you back.) It tasted disgusting. I put the remainder in my pocket because I still had another important thing to do. Go up to the front. I wanted MyDad to be with me. It would have been better. I knew I was not going to like it. I was right.

  Sea. All the way round.

  Just like yesterday.

  I could not see France anywhere.

  Not anywhere at all.

  I had never felt such a big panic coming. I expect you know what I wanted to do. But then I thought Perhaps it isn’t true. I thought Check. You have to check. You have to go inside again and look at the map. Then you will know if the thing that is giving you a bad feeling is true.

  When I got there the glass was open like a door. Someone in a white uniform was just moving the boat. Some souls with white towels round their necks had stopped to look so I did too. The sailor had moved the boat right out along the red line. He was just locking it up again when another sailor in a black uniform came along and said something I didn’t understand. It sounded like Complexmanoover Philips!

  It might have been French for Good morning Philips because Philips said Good morning Captain back.

  Captain! I tried to get behind one of the soul’s legs but I couldn’t. The Captain said I don’t know where we’d be without you to keep us on course hahaha. One of the souls said Probably still in the English Channel hahaha. The Captain said That wouldn’t do at all would it son? And he looked right at me! I said I wouldn’t mind. And everyone laughed their heads off. (That’s only what you say.) I had not been so scared since I got on board but it was all right because they all ignored me after that so they could carry on laughing so I just disappeared myself.

  It took a long time to calm down. I had made a very Important Discovery but there was nowhere for it to go inside my head. It was worse than that. It was a Terrible Discovery. I can’t even say it out loud, it made me feel so funny. I felt like Jackie my budgie when he was trying to get back in his cage because the door was shut. He went bananas. (Bananas was just to cheer you up.)

  I went to where the sailors had put deckchairs all along the side and I sat in one to think about the Terrible Discovery. As soon as I sat down I knew it was true.

  We were not going to France. Ever. And the red line was not the equator. It was to show where we were going. We were going to America. We came out of the end of English Channel just like the cut-out boat. And now we were out in the Ocean where the sailor in the white uniform put it. Pointing the wrong way. We were in the Atlantic Ocean and we were going on it right over to the other side. The other side was definitely not France. I am not daft. It said New York and New York is in America. Everyone knows that. And even if they don’t they know it’s not France because it’s two English words. The red line on the picture was joining up Southampton to New York. There was nowhere to get off in b
etween because you can’t get off in the Ocean it doesn’t matter how you spell it. And there wouldn’t be any police stations anyway. That was kind of a joke. And kind of not. I couldn’t think of a joke. I was too worried. I wished the cut-out boat didn’t have glass over it so I could turn it round and point it back the right way.

  I needed to make a new plan. Here is my first one in case you’ve forgotten:

  Old Plan

  1. Go to France.

  2. Find a police station.

  3. Ring MyDad to come and get me.

  It was a good one. Better than just staying at home. You don’t want to see your Mum get buried. That would be horrible. And I didn’t want to go to Gran’s. Gran is all right but her house smells of cat pee. (She says it is certainly not Lady Beaverbrook. Lady Beaverbrook doesn’t do that. It is the tom from next door. Or the ferret.) So France was a good idea. MyDad wouldn’t mind coming to get me. He would like it. He says the vanblonk there is unbelievable. That is a word he says when he likes something. Unbelievable! (MyMum only used to say it when she got mad.) MyDad went to France with Uncle Norman. When he came back he had thirty-seven bottles of wine. That was one of the bad rows they had when he said MyMum had managed to drink a whole suitcaseful all by herself. He said managed to drink like she had been trying really hard and it was difficult. Actually it would be difficult. But maybe not for MyMum. She can do all sorts of things. She said I’m just saving you from the clink. Destroying the evidence. I didn’t understand that bit until I found out after. The clink means prison. Where they put people who have stolen goods.

  If you look carefully at my plan you will see how good it was. I do not speak French (it is a foreign language) but if I found a police station I would be all right. I could mime being on the telephone so they would know what I wanted and I could draw MyDad and write our telephone number down. They would be able to read the numbers. They are easy to learn because there are only nine. Ten if you count zero. Numbers are amazing. You only need two and you can write down one million. Even a billion. But that wouldn’t help if there were no police stations or telephones. I didn’t even want to say haha. The Atlantic was not very funny.

  This was my new plan. It only had two things on it:

  New Plan

  1. Stay on the boat and don’t get off until it goes back to England. (If it goes back.)

  2. Go home.

  I would have to have a wash every day so I didn’t look like a nurchin. MyMum used to say that when it was time for my bath. That was before I grew up. She used to say Come here my dirty little urchin (she used to drop her ens like lots of people). I used to like being little. It was easy. You got wrapped up in a towel.

  I would have to have breakfast too because the Atlantic could take a really long time and You can’t travel on a nempty stomach. (That was MyGran.) And anyway I was starving.

  Also I would have to be extra careful. It was probably like the trains if you didn’t have a ticket. The fine for not having a ticket on a boat would be gigantic. If they found out about me and asked MyDad to pay he wouldn’t have enough money and they would put him in prison.

  I added another number. Just in case.

  3. If MyDad is in the clink go to Gran’s.

  I would be brave and put up with the smell.

  When I got to the dining room nobody cared about me having breakfast. They were all too busy gobbling food. It was unbelievable! This is what you had to do. First you didn’t have to pay any money or have a ticket (or run in and take stuff!). Everything was free. You got your own plate from a huge pile and then you just went to the big tables and you could take whatever you wanted. I saw the same lady as before and this time she was carrying two jugs of orange juice. Two! Everybody got whatever they wanted and some of the people even helped you — like if you couldn’t reach the baked beans.

  This is what I had. A fried egg some fried potatoes a pancake (yes pancakes! For breakfast!) and some baked beans. Actually it was a whole big puddle. I had some bacon too but I didn’t eat it. I will tell you about that in a minute. I took everything to the children’s table where there were two twins eating some porridge. One of them licked her spoon while she was looking at me. I said Hahaha. Goldilocks and Goldilicks. The other one put her tongue out and a bit of porridge fell off so I didn’t say anything else.

  I went back a second time. I got some toast. Four pieces just in case. A lady said to me Here. Have a plate. And use the tongs next time.

  Tongs! That is a funny word. I tried not to do rude laughing.

  I had to go back again to get some jam.

  So do you want to know why I didn’t eat the bacon? Listen to this.

  — There you go laddie. (The man helping me with the baked beans.)

  — Thank you. (Me.)

  — And you’ll be wanting this. (The man putting a bit of bacon on my plate.)

  — No I won’t. (Me.)

  — No I won’t? (The man again. He was doing mimicking.)

  — Yes. (Me.)

  — Yes or no laddie? Make up your mind. (The man. But you know that.)

  No. (That was me except I said it in my head in case he thought I was being rude and not making up my mind.) I really just stared at the bacon.

  — Ah go on. Put hairs on your chest.

  See what I mean?

  The next thing after breakfast is brush your teeth and I didn’t have a toothbrush so that was my next job. Look for one. It was good to have important things to think about and important problems like washing yourself and finding food and toothbrushes. It was better than remembering your Mum. In the Atlantic. If you didn’t have important things I expect you would go mad like the man up the road.

  I went to the shops first. There was one shop that had everything you needed. Nearly. They had clothes and books and shoes and cameras — but you didn’t really need a camera — and cups and plates and ashtrays and sunglasses and hats and pipes and watches (but actually you could tell the time by the sun too if you had enough practice) and all the other stuff for ladies that MyMum calls rubbish — like perfume and gold necklaces and earrings. They had lots of other things as well that you don’t need at all especially on a boat. Like golf clubs and tea towels. But no toothbrushes. So actually the first thing is not true. They did not have everything you need. Not nearly everything. They did not have a bed for instance. Or a potato.

  It was tiring thinking about things you need and things you don’t need. There were so many things it made you want to close your eyes. The list of things you don’t need kept getting longer and longer like a huge snake that would not stop growing. It was filling up my head so I stopped. I had to stop anyway because an old lady came and talked to me. She had yellow hair like my first teddy and red lips and she was wearing gold sandals. At first I thought she was very rich but her sandals were just painted. You could see a bit of the gold sticking up like the paint on our windowsill at home. Her skin was nearly the same colour as her hair. But with brown splashes on.

  She said All alone again today? You were all by yourself yesterday.

  I didn’t know what to say so I said a lie. I said No I am with my Aunty.

  She looked round like you do when you go Where?

  I said She’s sleeping. She’s always sleeping.

  She said So you are all alone then. We shall have to find you someone to play with.

  She was the second person who had observed me by myself. The first one was Kay. That’s what I called her because she said it twice when she came to talk to me. Kay was all right but I think the old lady was suspicious. I mean I think she thought I was. Suspicious. I was. I was suspicious of her haha.

  I said No thank you and went away fast. I could hear the lady in the shop saying He shouldn’t even be in here by himself. Little monkey. I didn’t like her saying that. It’s a special name MyMum has for me. Had. My little monkey mine. It fe
lt nice. She wouldn’t let anyone else say it.

  It was better outside. I did not look in many places for a toothbrush because ugh. Someone would have used it. Instead I did some looking at the water so I could stay calm. It was going up and down very slowly. It was like being on someone’s tummy when they do breathing. It is better when they do breathing than when they don’t. I did looking for a long time and no one bothered me (for a change).

  I did counting then to calm down some more. It was no good counting souls because I already know the answer so I did counting seagulls — not alligators haha. Do you want to know how many I saw? 0. Nought. I waited seventeen minutes before I gave up. I don’t like giving up. I like things to have a nend.

  I changed from seagulls to boys and girls. I made two groups in my head to put them in. YES and NO. Yes was for if I liked playing with them. No was for if I didn’t. Twenty-two went in NO. YES got a 0. Like the seagulls. MyMum used to say Don’t you have any friends Frankie? I used to say No. Then she used to say Oh you are a funny one.

  But I wasn’t making a joke. Playtime is the worst thing about school. When the bell rings everyone goes Sshh! all at the same time because Miss Kenney won’t let us out until. They say Shush. We can’t go out until. I’m never talking but they say it to me anyway and dig me with their elbows. Sometimes when someone won’t stop moving or talking Miss Kenney makes them stay in. (I used to do it on purpose so I could sit in my desk but then she stopped letting me and she just used to say Let’s all ignore Frankie shall we?) Then we line up at the door and Miss Kenney says no running until you’re outside and everybody runs. Sometimes boys step on the back of your shoe and it comes off. And sometimes someone throws it in a bin or in a toilet. Everyone is pushing and shoving at the same time and yelling so it’s a big roar. The words all jam together and sort of disappear into a bang. That is when I decide I will go to my tree. It’s behind one of the classrooms. It’s never sunny there so no one really stays. It’s too chilly. I stand up close to the tree and lean my forehead on it. Sort of joined up with it so I feel better. It’s quiet. Sometimes they run round the back if they’re playing It. Then they hit me on the arm and say You’re It. But only sometimes. And I don’t mind because they don’t mean it.