Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  Gran

  They kept Len all night after he finally showed up Friday. Not quite all night. Let him go at midnight, apparently. Probably needed the cell. He says they never locked the door, just wanted him there in case. In case what? He said In case they needed me, I suppose. Anyway they let him go so he went back to the house. On the last bus! Apparently there was still a policeman there. Plain clothes, he thinks. Someone in a car anyway, keeping watch. He must have been beside himself. They still hadn’t taken him to see Patti. He said he couldn’t face the bed, so he slept all night on the settee. Right next to the armchair. I don’t know whether they’d told him that’s where I found her. Dear lord. I thought about him in that room. I said, Did you manage to sleep? He said, Like the dead. I wonder sometimes about Len.

  I thought about that policeman outside. I know what they were thinking having him there because I got close to thinking the same thing lying awake Friday night. Thinking about how Frankie wasn’t at school. Marked Absent. Hadn’t even been there. And then thinking about what they told me at the station. Marked Absent Thursday afternoon an all. My blood run cold. Stone cold. Len? I know I’m his mum and everything but still. You can’t help it. Your mind just takes you the worst places. But I didn’t say anything. I tell you when I finally got home Friday I was in a right state. I’d been down the station all day. Margie didn’t know anything about it. She only come round because she wanted her fish. But she knew something was up right off. She said, Good God what’s happened to you, Em? I said, Not me, Marge. It’s Patti. And Frankie. I didn’t mention Len. I was too ashamed. But she asked. And you know for the first time in my life I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell her. Not anything. I was blubber. You know when people say She’s lost her mind. Well, that’s what I done. I was blubber. Not blubbering. Just a sack of wobbly blubber. Margie was ever so kind. She just waited. Well, she put the kettle on. You do, don’t you. But other than that she just waited. When I come to (that’s how I think of it), I told her Patti was dead, died in her armchair, and Frankie was missing. She said straightaway, Are they doing a search? And you know what? I didn’t even know. I told you I lost my mind.

  She said, I’m going down the pub. And — you won’t believe this — I laughed. I did. I laughed out loud. That got me out of it. I looked at her dead straight and I said, Have one for me, will you? We nearly had hysterics. It was the shock.

  She said, I’ll bring you one back. What do you want? Bottle of stout? Get your strength up.

  Anyway, she went. She got all the lads out — there wasn’t too many because it was early still — and they went door to door all up and down Worcester terrace and then the Barnham road both sides. She come back about nine thirty and said the police told them to stop. But they never. They carried on until closing time then they went back to the pub. She was waiting there with Reg and he let them back in. They said there was a police watching the house and there was a bit of fence across the front path. And no Len.

  After the pub she got the eleven o’clock over to mine. She said, I’m staying the night, Em. Ever so kind Margie is. I made up the bed in the box room.

  About three in the morning I heard her crying. But I didn’t get up. You have to give people their privacy.

  We were down the police station again by half past seven this morning. They were all drinking tea and you could smell bacon. Not exactly pulling out all the stops. They told me Len had shown up finally. He’d come down from Ipswich late. Seems the lads from the pub missed him last night by about an hour.

  The relief. But it didn’t last. They said No. It didn’t mean anything. They said Patti had been dead since Wednesday and they still had some enquiries to make. Wednesday! One shock after another. Worried stiff I was. My own son. No, they weren’t the only ones doing the suspecting.

  He come in this morning just after we did. I heard his voice at the desk in the front. I don’t know what I expected. A raving maniac? A ghost? But it was just Len. That kind of guilty look he always used to get. He said, Mum. I said, Len. What else can you say?

  Chapter 4

  SATURDAY AN

  (That’s for After Noon)

  In the afternoon I saw the girl I called Kay up on the top deck. She was with her Mum and her Dad and they were coming out from the gap between the two big pictures of the sea. I didn’t even know what was on the other side because I didn’t know you could go through the gap. It was like a fence that didn’t join up.

  Kay said Hallo. You know what I just had? A Wimpy.

  (I have always wanted one of those. They smell delicious. There is a Wimpy Bar in King Street but MyMumandDad say it’s full of ton-up boys and I’m not old enough yet.)

  Her Dad said it’s called a hamburger.

  Kay said Kay. Then she said You should get your Mum and Dad to take you.

  I tried not to look at the Mum and the Dad in case they said something to me too.

  The Mum said He can go and get one himself if he likes can’t he. I expect that’s where he was going. I would have hated it if she was looking at me but she was busy folding down Kay’s collar where it was sticking up.

  I said It is. (That was nearly a lie to start with and then it came true. I just wanted to get away fast.)

  The Dad said Attaboy.

  Kay called out Do you want to come to the Sea Shanties with us next?

  I called out No thank you. (That was true.)

  She said Kay.

  I went through the gap. It wasn’t a Wimpy Bar. It was a big long table with tin trays of food like the dinner hall at school and two cooks and you could go and get whatever you wanted and take it to one of the tables. I really wanted to get a Wimpy but there wasn’t a special children’s table like at breakfast and I didn’t want to sit with anyone who would say SO. Where are your parents then? Don’t they want one too? Haha. BUT! The blind man came in and joined on to the queue. I was still a bit suspicious of him but I thought I could just go and sit wherever he sat and pretend I was with him. I didn’t have to talk to him.

  I went in and stood a bit behind him. Alec knew. He wagged his tail. Then the blind man said Hallo? Someone we know? And he turned round!

  It was really confusing. He was looking over the top of my head. I stayed really quiet and didn’t say anything. I don’t think I was being rude because he wasn’t really looking at me. He was looking sort of blank. (That is what Miss Kenney said when she talked about me to MyDad. By the way. She said I looked blank. They talked about me for seventeen minutes and forty-five seconds. Miss Kenney kept saying And another thing and MyDad kept saying I don’t think it’s a problem. From the time I started counting, Miss Kenney said her thing seven times and MyDad said his eleven. I don’t think they were listening to each other.) Anyway the blind man looked like Miss Kenney said I look. I thought he might be pretending or he might be doing counting like me. Then I remembered it was probably because he couldn’t see me. Why did I keep forgetting that?

  I just kept behind him and stayed quiet. Perfect! I thought. When he goes to a table I can go too and sit on one of the other chairs if I’m really quiet. Then everyone will think he’s my Uncle and no one will be bothered that I don’t have a nadult. He can be one.

  There was a cook cooking the hamburgers. When the blind man got there he sort of felt for the plates. The cook of the hamburgers said Here you are sir and gave him one that already had a roll on it with the top off. He put a hamburger on top and said What else will you have?

  The blind man said Tomatoes and onions and lettuce please. And you can put a stick of celery on the plate too if you don’t mind.

  The cook said Not at all sir. Mustard or pickle? Tomato sauce?

  And guess what the blind man said. Everything! But that was not all. He turned his head towards me and he said What do you want on yours?!

  I nearly fell down!

  I said Everything. I wa
s so surprised. And then I remembered Please. And then I remembered I don’t like onions but it was too late.

  The cook said I’ll bring them over sir and the blind man said That’s very kind.

  Now I had to stay beside him even though I thought he might be only pretending.

  He followed Alec to a table and sort of touched everything and sat down. I sat on a chair on the other side.

  When the cook brought our plates he said I bet you’re a big help aren’t you? I didn’t know if he was being sarcastic so I didn’t say anything. Not even thank you.

  It smelled so good I couldn’t wait.

  It was the most delicious food I have ever tasted (even with the onions) and I couldn’t stop. It only took about two and a half minutes to eat it. I wasn’t even counting I was so happy. I tried to slide out of my chair but the blind man said Finished already?

  I was shocked. I put the celery in my pocket quickly. I said Can you see me? I couldn’t help it.

  He said No I’m afraid not. It was a good hamburger wasn’t it?

  I said Yes.

  He said You’re the first little boy I know who likes onions. But you didn’t eat your celery.

  I said You can see me! I knew you could. It was a bit rude but it was like before. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to say How did you know I was even here and who am I anyway? that would have been really really rude.

  He said No. He said it kind of sad but he was smiling (at nothing!) and then he shook his head and said it again. He said No. I can’t.

  I said Yes you can or how do you know there was celery? Ha!

  He said I could smell it.

  I said Then how do you know I didn’t eat…I was going to say It but I already knew the answer. He didn’t hear it! I just said Oh.

  And this time he smiled a really big smile.

  He said Your brain’s very busy isn’t it? And just seven? Well well well.

  And then suddenly I got scared because I guessed what his next question was going be so I did a great big lie and said I have to go and find my MumandDad now.

  He said I’d really like to meet them. Tell them I’ll be on the Sports deck this afternoon. Tell them to come and say hallo.

  I said All right. Bye. Bye Alec.

  Alec made a little noise when I was going away and the blind man said Shh.

  The notice board near the Purser’s Office said

  FUNDAYS!

  SATURDAY

  9:00 a.m.

  Fit as a Fiddle!

  Sundeck / Adults

  10:00 a.m.

  Sea All around!

  Cinema / Adults + children

  11:00 a.m.

  Treasure Hunt!

  Atrium / Adults + children

  2:30 p.m.

  Sea Shanties!

  Midships Lounge / All Ages

  2:30 p.m.

  Goofy Golf!

  Activity Centre / 5+

  3:30 p.m.

  Bingo!

  Midships Lounge / Adults + children

  3:30 p.m.

  Wits Pit!

  Queen’s Lounge / Adults

  4:00pm

  Look Like a Star!

  Beauty Parlour / Over 16

  6:00pm

  Cocktails

  They put the thing like a rounders bat and ball eight times. That means something is a surprise. Cocktails was number nine. It didn’t have a rounders bat.

  5+ that’s my age. I went to the playroom to be by myself and think about it.

  I got Five Go to Pirates’ Cove off the shelf. The lady said That’s a bit old for you isn’t it? You can’t read that.

  I said Yes I can and she said Oh it’s you and stopped talking to me.

  I took it into the yellow tent.

  No one ever believes you when you tell them about reading. It makes them bad-tempered. They didn’t believe MyMumandDad at nursery school when they told them I had been reading books since I was two and a half. The lady said Oh, yes? Like when someone says the opposite thing. MyMum said Yes. The lady said What does he read exactly? MyDad said Anything really and she reached behind her chair for a book off the shelf and gave me the Ladybird book of Hannibal. I opened it and started reading very fast. I watched her with one of my eyes to see if she was impressed.

  She said But he’s not reading it. He’s only memorizing.

  That’s when MyMum’s voice got all high and squeaky and she said THAT’S BECAUSE HE REMEMBERS IT. HE’S ALREADY READ IT.

  I stopped then. I thought she was going to say Silly moo. She said that once when we were in Boots and I started laughing and I couldn’t stop. I fell on the floor and a lady came and told her off.

  The lady in the nursery school said Could I have the book back please?

  I gave it to her and she opened it at another page and said Read this. So I did.

  Then she said Could I have the book back please dear?

  I gave it to her and she turned some pages. Next she reached onto her desk and picked up a piece of paper and put it over the picture all kind of secretly so I couldn’t see. She put the book down in front of me with the piece of paper over the picture and said Try this page dear and you could tell the words she said out loud were not the same words she was saying in her head. Even a nidiot could tell she was saying I bet you can’t read this.

  MyMum stood up and said You know what? Never mind. Just never mind and she got hold of my hand and took me away. I could hear MyDad saying Goodbye and then I could hear him saying I’m sorry. No it’s all right. We’re all right thank you. And then he said Thank you again.

  I read three chapters of Five Go to Pirates’ Cove. I was just starting chapter four when I heard the lady talking outside. I knew she was talking about me. She said They should find him someone to play with I’m not a baby-sitter. And then I had a good idea. Goofy Golf! And then I can be playing and be by myself as well.

  I left the book in the playroom. I wished I could steal it but that is probably worse than stealing a roll. Stealing a roll is a nemergency. You could die of starvation if you didn’t.

  Goofy Golf was not really golf at all. Only the goofy part was true. They only had stupid cut-out trees made of cardboard and pretend hills and bridges and a pretend well. You got a pretend golf ball and a pretend golf club from the man or the lady wearing the blue jackets. Some of the kids were whacking each other and laughing. (You would not do laughing if you got hit with a real one. Uncle Richard didn’t when he went to hospital. MyMum said Aunty Julie knew he was standing behind her when she did it.)

  I went inside and waited to get a golf club. The man and the lady in the blue jackets were getting all mad with the big kids but they were still smiling so they looked really funny with crazy eyes.

  I laughed and laughed and the lady said Goofy Golf is jolly good fun isn’t it?

  I said No and it made me laugh even harder.

  That’s when Kay came in. She came over to me and said What are you laughing at?

  I said Them and my tummy started to ache.

  Kay said Kay. Want to play?

  I said Yes. You be the man and I’ll be the lady and I made mad eyes with a big smile.

  Kay said No. Stupid. Play Goofy Golf.

  I said No thank you.

  Kay said You’re peculiar I can’t play with you and then she said But you can still be my friend.

  I said We’re friends?

  She said You’re not just peculiar. You’re a bit dim. Of course we are. And then she went away. I pretended I didn’t care.

  After Kay left two of the trees fell over because the floor was tipping up. The man stood them up again but then they tipped over the other way. The lady fixed it. She turned them sideways and they stayed up but it was no good. I told the man he needed to tell everyone to hold onto their balls because they were rolling away. He went and whispered to
the lady and she whispered back then they did giggling. The lady came over and said Have you lost your ball dear? I’ll give you another one. She said it like I was only two so I said No thank you. I could see in past her eyes. She was not talking to me at all.

  I hate that. It made me start feeling bad. It was as if someone had made all the lights go dizzy and someone else had turned up the sounds. Everything was booming even the lady’s voice and two big girls who were laughing and even the stupid fake golf balls that only go ddth. But this is what the trouble was. The loudness was right inside my head and not in the Fundays room at all. The people playing golf were like people on the telly with the sound down. But really they had come inside my head and their voices were making the sound inside it. Having a party inside my head! I couldn’t stand it. I went away. Just like Kay.

  MyMum told me one day it’s all right to be by yourself when you don’t feel good. She said In fact — she stuck her eyebrows up and opened her eyes wide like she always does when she tells me something important — in fact sometimes it’s a very good thing finding somewhere to be all on your own.

  I told her Miss Kenney says playtime is for playing with kids and not for standing by the tree.

  She said It doesn’t matter what Miss Kenney says about playing with kids if they make you feel bad.

  That’s when we had a nargument.

  I said But Miss Kenney said we always have to obey the teacher.

  MyMum said Miss Kenney is a teacher.

  I said I know.

  MyMum said So think about it! And then she answered the telephone because it was getting on our nerves. That’s when I got mad and chopped up all the spaghetti with the chopping knife. When you chop it and it’s not cooked it shoots away off the counter. I was trying to see if I could get it all the way across the kitchen. One bit hit me in the eye. When MyMum came back in she said Unbelievable! I just don’t believe you sometimes. I’ve just spent ten minutes on the phone with Miss Kenney telling her there is nothing wrong with you.