Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  — That’s what MyDad says.

  — You want to know how I know which button to press.

  — Yes.

  — It’s easy. I asked someone on the first day to tell me how they were arranged. It’s very simple. You just have to remember.

  — I’m good at remembering.

  — I bet you are.

  — And you are and Alec is so that’s three of us. Where’s your mum?

  — You mean my wife.

  — No I don’t. I don’t expect you have one. I mean your mum.

  — My mother’s not alive any more.

  — MyMum is not alive too.

  — I thought you said you were with your parents.

  — It was a fib. I’m with MyDad and MyAunty. (Another one! I can’t believe I said that.) MyMum’s dead. (At least that bit was true.)

  — I’m sorry.

  — It’s not your fault. She was in her armchair.

  — I’m sorry to hear it.

  — It’s better than being run over. My cat was run over and his eyes popped out.

  — Shall we talk about something else?

  — No. I like talking about MyMum. It makes it so she’s still alive.

  — All right then. Was she nice your mum?

  — She was nice MyMum, but she makes people mad. Made. She was not a very obedient person. Miss Kenney probably hated her. And Father Morgan.

  — Oh dear.

  — Do you want to know what she did?

  — Only if you want to tell me.

  She had arguments all the time. With everybody. Once she had a nargument with Father Morgan outside the church and she called him greedy old bastard.

  — Tell me about the nice things.

  — She put her arm round Maureen’s Mum and said you come back with me love. Don’t listen to him. Then she gave her a cup of tea in the kitchen.

  — She sounds like a good woman.

  — That’s what MyDad calls her when he’s pretending to be mad. Listen to me my good woman this is the last time you get away with murder. Don’t worry not real murder. MyMum hits things a lot. She used to. But only things. Not people. Do you want to know what else she did?

  — Well all right. If it’s not too private.

  — Mashed potatoes. They’re my favourite. And knitting but she wasn’t very good at that. My sweater had a hole in the sleeve. She said that’s for your thumb and she made a hole in the other one. I was wearing it the day we were in church when MyDad said we should go and there was a little baby doing toddling up the aisle — that’s what they call the bit between the pews — and that’s what they call the long seats and you have to try not to laugh because it sounds like bad smells. The baby was doing toddling all by itself while Father Morgan was doing talking and suddenly it fell down flat and started to cry and nobody got up to help it. Father Morgan just carried on talking but much louder and MyMum ran all the way down to pick it up and took it back to its Mum. Then she turned round and shouted at Father Morgan, You old windbag, you. Look at you still talking. And you lot. Sitting there like a bunch of pansies. What’s wrong with you all? Come on Len. MyDad got up too. He was sort of ducking like he was in a low room and MyMum was still shouting. You won’t get me back here in a month — no you won’t get me back here in a lifetime of bloody Sundays. Come on you two. So we went to the Feathers because they have a garden at the back for kids.

  — I see.

  — No you don’t. Hahahaha. What? Are you cross?

  — No. It’s all right. It’s just that that joke is very tired.

  — You look tired. You don’t have friends either do you?

  — Yes I have friends. Just not on this boat.

  — Do you want one on this boat?

  — A friend?

  — Yes. I can be your friend.

  — I think you already are. But thank you very much. Now I really am tired and chilly too, so I think I’ll go and have a little nap. And you’d better get back to your dad and your aunty. Bye-bye.

  He did sort of groaning and he got up and said Walk Alec.

  I said Bye-bye and Bye-bye Alec, but then I did a kind of spying.

  I followed him quietly just a little bit behind. He didn’t look blind at all. He just looked normal only with a dog. While he was waiting for the lift I went down the stairs as fast as I could. Holding on. I watched him come out downstairs. He walked along really close to the wall so he could feel when a door came. He stopped right at one six four two and turned round and scared me. He knew again!

  He said, Now you have to find your way back again. Will you be all right?

  I tried not to sound as if he had given me a fright. I said Yes thank you. I have a good memory. Remember? Hahaha. And then I couldn’t help it I said But first I want to come in and see your cabin. Please.

  — Oh, I don’t think so.

  — Yes I do.

  — I mean I don’t think that’s possible. Bye-bye now.

  — Just a look?

  — Oh all right.

  He opened the door a little bit. I could see a bed and a chair with some stuff on and lots of bottles on the dressing table like in the kitchen when MyMum did a birthday party for MyDad. I told MyDad there were thirty-nine and he said Are you trying to embarrass us? So I knew not to tell the blind man how many. (There were seven.)

  He said Now off you go.

  I looked at his face to see if it was a joke but I couldn’t tell. Then he said Run along.

  I said There’s no running but I went anyway. He made me feel a bit mad. That’s what friends always do. You’re not supposed to say Now off you go to someone who is your friend. It’s the same as saying Go away.

  At dinner time (that’s what they call it) I stole a chicken leg. It was so confusing in the dining room that nobody noticed what I did. There was music playing and all the waiters were wearing big Mexican hats so probably they couldn’t notice very well. I went up the stairs as fast as I could. A man said Woah there! — like you do for a horse — Where are you off to?

  I said Oh no inside my head. I had to do some fast thinking. I said MyMum. She’s waiting for me at the top.

  I ran as fast as I could and the man called out No running sonny. She’s not going anywhere.

  I had never told such a big lie. MyMum would be ashamed of me.

  When I got to the top I was nearly crying. But I don’t do that. There was no one up there. It was too windy to stay and the sky was a bad colour like the evil potion the witch mixed up. My legs were all wobbly too so I went back inside.

  I took my chicken’s leg to the pictures because that is the only place you can eat stolen goods and no one sees you.

  Stealing was worse than I thought. It is quite hard to do with no one finding out and when you have done it you don’t feel very good. I don’t know why bank robbers bother. It was darker than ever inside the pictures (a good thing) because it was always night-time on the film. I did not look at it after I saw a man with black eyebrows and black stuff running out of his pretend teeth. I felt a bit sick and I did not want to eat my supper (that’s what I call it) but it was time. I made myself do it so I did not grow faint with hunger like Pinocchio. Pinocchio grew faint with hunger. It says that in Every Child’s Big Book.

  I started with the celery first (because I don’t really like it) but it was too noisy so I put it in my pocket. And then when I took the cheese out of my pocket there was a really strong smell. You did not have to be a dog to smell it. I threw most it under the seat. Sometimes I think MyMum is watching me. I ate the chicken leg but not the skin. I threw that under the seat. It was lovely. Guess where I threw the bone.

  Wrong haha! I put it in my pocket for Alec. So.

  Bad Things 2

  Good Things 1

  When I had fin
ished it was time to get ready for bed. There was not much to do because I didn’t have any jarmies or a toothbrush but I had to be crafty. Like a nescaped convict. There were some people still outside even though it was windy. They were watching all the white squiggles on the sea. I had to go past them. They were sitting in deckchairs with their coats on and drinking beer and eating crisps. There was one lady and five men. They had travel rugs like the one in the back of the car for Gran. The lady had hers on like a cloak. They were play arguing. I think. When I was going by one of them said to another one No you’ve had enough and snatched the big bag of crisps. He said Here son. Want some crisps?

  Nobody heard me say thank you when I took them because they were all doing roaring with laughter. They were salt and vinegar. My favourite.

  A man said Want to play shipwreck with us? The lady said Ssh! Malcolm! She said You’d probably like a blanket too. You look cold. Here. Have Malcolm’s and she grabbed the travel rug off Malcolm’s lap and gave it to me and everybody roared with laughter all over again.

  I wanted to get away quickly but I didn’t want them to ask for their crisps back if I started walking so I stayed there to eat them. They asked me lots of questions and I made up lots of answers. I am a nexpert now at making things up. It gets easier and easier. I told them the blind man was my Uncle. I said he was MyMum’s brother. And then I said the truth about MyMum. I don’t want to say it again but you know what it was. They went a bit peculiar so I said goodbye to them anyway and carried on. They had stopped laughing. They let me keep the crisps. And the blanket.

  I had to be quick. I went back round to my side and dived into my bedroom behind the mattresses. It was lucky because it was just when the boat tipped a bit and I slid in. I was a rabbit disappearing down a hole. The people round the corner were doing roaring and singing. They were not very good singers. I think they were having a party. At least I was not lonely. Actually I was. You know I said the Atlantic is a very lonely place? It’s true.

  I stayed awake a long time doing wishing. I wished I could be asleep. I wished I could be in the blind man’s room. I wished I was Alec. I wished I had not done the lie when I said MyMum’s waiting for me. It was worse than the one about my Aunty. It was terrible. But at least she will never know I put her in a lie so that is a good thing.

  Then I thought about what the man said back to me and how it was true. MyMum was not going anywhere. So that was a bad thing. It was so bad it made me feel sick as if I really was down a hole. Where it was all dark and there was no one there. Except me. And MyMum was not going anywhere. That was true. And she was not waiting for me. And that was true too.

  It was cold even with the travel rug. It was a good job the mattresses were thick. They made a barricade. One of my favourite things. You can make one with the cushions off the settee. It used to make MyMum mad. She used to say What do you want to spend all your time for barricaded behind the sofa cushions? It’s a lovely day. And then I always knew what she would say next — Why don’t we invite Martin over? You can play in the garden. Then I would say Can we take the cushions outside? And she would get all excited and say If you like. And I could give you a blanket. Then I would say No it’s all right. I’ve changed my mind. She did shout at me quite a lot MyMum. It’s all right if people shout at you if you know why they’re mad. MyMum always wanted me to play with people. So did Miss Kenney. But when Miss Kenney said I had to MyMum got cross. She told MyDad I could do what I mm-mm-well wanted. And then she said it’s none of Miss Kenney’s business anyway. MyDad said the same thing MyMum said to me that other time. He said She’s a teacher! MyMum said Exactly! She should be teaching him things! Not telling him what to do with his time for godsake. MyDad said Patti! (that’s her name, I don’t think I told you yet) and he did weird looking eyes at me where I was pretending to read on the floor. I didn’t see them. I could feel them.

  I wished MyMum and Dad were both with me. I wouldn’t mind even if they were having a nargument. They didn’t really mean it. They just couldn’t control themselves.

  The more I stayed awake the more lonely I was. It was all right when I was thinking of MyMum and MyDad. It was like they were in my head and it didn’t matter even if MyMum was mad. I even liked it. But when MyDad said Patti! it went all quiet in my head and I felt like they were gone.

  Only I was the one who had gone.

  Every time I thought about MyMum I got sadder than I was before. I missed her. And I missed MyDad but I was going to see him again. He would be all alone (like me). It was very confusing. MyMum was still in my head but it was Saturday now and MyDad would have made them bury her before she started to smell bad. No one would be allowed to stay in their armchair when they’re dead.

  Can a dead person be in two places? I don’t know what you can do when you’re dead. Besides nothing. When I asked MyMum if it hurt being a skeleton like the one in the chemist’s where she gets her medicine she said dead people don’t see or hear or feel or anything. She didn’t say they didn’t know anything. But they probably don’t. They probably forget everything. Like their name and their family and the whole world. But then MyDad told me that dead people live on. He told me that when my Granddad died. I said What do you mean? My mum said He means inside our minds. In our hearts. I said Yuk get out Granddad and started brushing my chest and MyMum threw the dishcloth in the sink and went out. It probably wasn’t a very good joke. I said it because I thought she was lying. But here is the thing. She might have been right because she was inside my head when I was waiting to go to sleep and it seemed as if she was alive. So if she was in my head she must know all my lies. The ones about her anyway. So I said Sorry. In my head.

  It was much too noisy to go to sleep. The wind was doing ghost noises and the boat was clanging and I could hear the seawater smacking and swooshing. It was like being in the pictures except you were in the film instead of in a seat. I couldn’t stop thinking about when I had to go to school and leave MyMum in the chair. It was too terrible to think about with the wind and the lies and everything.

  I probably should have told the milkman.

  I wish MyMum had been at school with me when I tried to tell them she was dead. She would have made them believe me.

  Gran

  I said, Len, I don’t give two hoots who you slept with in Ipbloodyswich. It could be the Queen of Sheba for all I care. Makes no difference now to your Patti. Nor me. I couldn’t care less. You need to pull yourself together, you do. For Patti’s sake, Len. For Frankie’s. So don’t keep harping on it. Sorry? I should say! But now’s not the time. Just put it all behind you, for God’s sake. It’s not you you should be thinking of. It’s Frankie. They said you’re in the clear, so what are you waiting for? Jack would have been going door to door by now. He’d have the whole street upside down, looking.

  Thing is, Len, I said, she died Wednesday. It’s the coroner’s word. He said no possibility it could have been after. It was Wednesday. And Frankie went to school that day. He was on the register. So maybe she took ill after he come home? And then what? He got scared? Went round for some help? Somebody took him in, didn’t they. Where though? Where would he go? It don’t make no sense. They would have called the ambulance. And anyway he went to school Thursday. You think anyone would just keep a kid and then send him off to school next day?

  No. None of it made any sense. I said he’s run off. Not far mind you. He always says his legs hurt. He’s lost, that’s what he is. Or hiding. He has to be. You’d do that wouldn’t you, if you saw your Mum in a state? He’s scared. No one’s going to find him unless they look. And no use staying here no longer. I’m going back to the house. They’ve had a copper there all this time but that won’t be no help, not if he was trying to get home. I told Julie to go to my house. Always a chance he could go there. He’d remember the way all right.

  No, your best bet, Len, I said, is get out there with the lads. They said they won’t stop till they find h
im.

  And there’s poor Patti, still. Like she’s waiting until you pull yourself together. The coroner’s going to have his report signed by the end of the day and what are you doing about it? Do you think you can let her just lie there? And no one to send her on her way? Have you been in touch with McMorton’s? What are you waiting for? A band of angels? You’ve got a lot to think about you have. I’ll help, you know I will, but I can’t make your decisions for you. You’re the next of kin, not me. You know I’ll help if you want it. I did it for Dad. And for Jack. It’s not as if I don’t know what’s needed. You’ve only got to ask, Len. Tell me what it is you want for her and I’ll see to it. I’ll come round to yours so I can use the phone. It’ll give you more time to look.

  Len looked at me all strange like I was speaking another language. Then he said Frankie’s all that matters now.

  And his face. Well maybe for the first time in my life I thought I saw the man in him. Just starting.

  Chapter 6

  SUNDAY AM

  (that’s the morning)

  I did not go to sleep forever. No, that’s another lie. I know I went to sleep because I woke up haha.

  Actually I woke up lots of times in the middle of the night because everything was woozy. The boat was sort of falling over. It was tipping over one way and then waiting — eleven seconds, I counted — and then tipping back the other way. (I was terrified if you want to know the truth.) I wished I had a life jacket. I think we must have been in a storm. But we escaped. A storm is when boats sink. I made a plan to ask the blind man if he had a nextra life jacket. Just in case.

  The last time I woke up I had been having a nother dream. I dreamed I was walking up our road like when I walk home from school and right at the top of the hill there was this great big ship in the middle of the road! It was taller than the roofs of all the houses. Even taller than the church behind my school. And it was coming down the middle of the road. With no water — only mud so it could do sliding. I don’t know why it didn’t fall over because you know what the bottom of a ship looks like don’t you? It’s pointy like a V. It kept coming towards me and I was afraid I was going to get run over and squashed in the mud. By a ship! My heart was beating so fast I woke up. I was so happy! For a minute.