Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  Sometimes it feels really good when things are not true. I don’t think that happens in real life. I think in real life true things stay true forever. It is better to not think about that.

  I have had a horrible thought. You know that thing when I said I did not go to sleep forever? It can mean a nother thing. And when it means that then the thing I said is true. I did not go to sleep forever.

  I decided to make a number 4 on my plan.

  4. Persuade MyDad not to go home again.

  I did not want to go home to my house where MyMum used to be. I did not want her to be missing. It was all right when she was still there even when she was dead. I haven’t told you about that yet. Have I? I will tell you when I’ve finished telling about getting up.

  It was like dark daytime because there were black clouds everywhere. It was still windy and everything was soaking wet even though it wasn’t raining. The water in the swimming pool was sloshing and some was coming out. I could not walk to the door where you go inside — it was too slopey — so I went round the other way. I could see red sky a long way away like someone had lighted the clouds on fire underneath. The sea was a nasty colour. It was the same as the clouds. Nearly black like our road.

  Inside it was nice and warm but still tippy. I cleaned my teeth. Guess what with. The celery! Like Robinson Crusoe! It was all squeaky and bits came off but then my teeth were nice and clean and they wouldn’t go bad like MyMum always says. Said. I wished she could see what I was doing. I checked in the mirror to make sure my hair wasn’t sticking up and then I went to the dining room to get my breakfast. It wasn’t even open!

  I could feel the panic coming. I always get that when I don’t know what to do next. I went to find a quiet place and stay there until I felt better. I did not even want to have breakfast anymore.

  There was nobody at all in the pictures because there wasn’t a film yet. It was lovely. One of my favourite things is when there’s nobody. Like at my birthday party. MyMum didn’t like it. MyDad observed that too. He said Don’t fret pet to cheer her up. It didn’t work. She said What about all this food? Look at it! I said Yummy. She said You don’t even like jelly you. I said you can have mine and she started to cry. I couldn’t see her face because she was going off to the kitchen but I could hear her breathing like a person doing crying.

  I had made fifteen invitations because MyDad said. MyMum said it was too many but MyDad said I think it’s probably a good idea. You know. (You know is what they say to each other when it’s a secret that I don’t know. But I think I knew this one.) MyMum said I don’t even know most of these and I said That’s because you don’t go to school. I made sixteen invitations. I had seven boys and eight girls but it was equal because there was me too. I did one for me so I wouldn’t feel left out. I couldn’t get them all finished before bedtime so I did some the next day then I took them to school in the morning. I did not tell anyone what I had in my satchel. I went into the outside toilets and I put one in and pulled the chain. When I put the next one in it didn’t work. I had to wait for the tank to fill up again. Then I had to wait all over again before I did the next one. So I did two together. I did that three more times. But then two came back up. So I had to do those again. I went back to one. I did three more and the duty teacher started knocking on the door saying Who’s that in there playing with the chain? I said I am not playing. She said come out now and let me see to it. I still had five left (you will know that if you have been paying attention) so I put them away and did up my satchel. Then I came out and washed my hands thirteen times because that’s how many times I had pulled the chain. (Eleven. Plus two for touching the door.)

  I was a bit worried all through Nature Table and Arithmetic because somebody might say Don’t take your satchel out to play but they didn’t so I did the rest at playtime. I felt better then.

  When I went home MyMum said Want to help me make fairy cakes for Saturday? I said No thank you.

  When Saturday came it was a really good party. We waited a long time to get started. MyMum kept looking up the road to see if anyone had gone to the wrong house. And then MyDad went over to the table and said Right then. There won’t be time for everything if we don’t start soon. I said We have to do the games first and MyMum said I’m having a drink. That’s when she opened the bottle of Bubbly. MyDad said That was for New Year’s Eve. Do you know how much that cost? And MyMum said We’re having a party remember?

  We did all the games. They tried to let me win everything but I could tell when they were cheating so I made them start again if they were. Nobody quarrelled like at a real party and nobody cried. Except maybe MyMum when I told her it was the best party but it was hard to tell because she had been laughing a lot. I waited until after the cake to tell her about the invitations.

  So anyway that was Friday and I already told you what I did for the rest of the day. So shall I tell you now what happened when I went to school? After I saw the milkman? I saw some other people on the way too but I didn’t know them. There were some kids away in front of me and a Mum. The rule about not talking to strangers is a bit complicated because who counts? The people I don’t know are definitely strangers even if I see them nearly every day like the man on the wobbly bike but the Mum one is a bit confusing because she is the Mum of the boy with the big clumpy shoe in Mrs Barret’s class so I kind of know her.

  When I saw the bricks of the school wall I got the panic feeling so I slowed down. It didn’t help. The slower I went the more I got the feeling so I speeded up again and when I turned the corner I was right. As soon as I saw the gates it came and fell all over me like a huge big noisy downpour and I was inside it. It was terrible. I couldn’t hardly see or even breathe and it was making me feel sick. And then I did some without even deciding to do it. It just came up. Actually down because there was some on my shoe. I had a handkerchief in my pocket but I didn’t want to use it because then I couldn’t put it back in my pocket and I couldn’t throw it away because you mustn’t litter and I would have to hold it and that would be disgusting. I tried to kick it off but some of it stayed. I crossed over then because that is where the house is where they never mow the lawn and there are big clumps of grass. I felt silly trying to get it off because I had to bend my leg like the boy with the big shoe. But it came off. That’s a relief then Chuck. I crossed back again and kept on doing going to school and nothing else happened. I could still feel the panic like someone was holding me round the throat like the girl at school who said I had to play with her.

  When I got there everyone had started a massive game in the playground. They were holding onto each other like a train. Everyone had their hands on someone else’s waist at the back and they were running around collecting people shouting Join on! Join on! If you didn’t join on when they went by the one at the front turned round and they came back to run you over. They were being a bit rough and some people were falling down and then the bell rang and everyone went inside. That was a nother relief.

  I saw Miss Kenney coming towards the cloakroom and I ran out into the hall to go and tell her before anybody came. She saw me coming and said Go and take your jacket off Frankie so I ran back. She called out No running but I had to be quick so I disobeyed. I threw my jacket on the peg — and it stuck! That was a good thing. I started running back.

  I said Miss Ke — and she said What did I say? No running. Now walk back and try all that again.

  I said Bu — and she said WALK! Or do you want to practice walking all day.

  That was a really stupid question so I didn’t answer and she said Do you?

  I could feel a lot of angriness. It was like rocks filling me up and all kind of knocking together. I sort of pressed them down with my mind and said No. She lifted up her eyebrows and put her head on one side like dogs do when they want something so I said Miss Kenney and she said That’s a good boy. While I was walking back I heard some other kids who were already talking to her
so now it was too late.

  We all went into our class. It’s 1B. Like a bee. (2B is still 2B and not 2Bs but I don’t care I still see two bees in my head when I go past their door). Miss Kenney started talking even before she got to her desk. She said Now now now now now quietly everyone hands on top of your desk and no talking I said no talking thank you Ronald thank you Sylvie thank you Julie thank you Arlene thank you Michael thank you Elinud. And then she was quiet for a long time. I thought she was going to say Thank you Francis but she didn’t even though I was the first one who did it. She said Good morning everyone and then we said Good morning Miss Kenney back and it sounded all sarky like it always does but she never says anything about it. She just takes the register. When she got to Belinda Woleynski she said Stand. Nobody talks when she says that because it’s the Our Father and we have to do In the Name of the Father once before and once after and everyone’s scared of the Holy Ghost. Then we sat down. I didn’t know how I was going to tell her with everybody listening. I decided I would have to be very patient because it was time for sixpences. She unlocked her tall cupboard and took out the jar. She said Hands up who has their sixpence today?

  Only five people put their hands up.

  Miss Kenney said Hmmm. One…two…three..

  I said Five.

  She said Thank you Francis. (So that was fair now. Well sort of.)

  Then she called them all up to the desk to put their sixpence in the jar and go and move their souls up the ladder. Kevin pricked himself with the pin and it made the leg of his Red Indian come off so he started to cry.

  Miss Kenney said Never mind. We’ll mend it later. Now she said. She was looking at her list and poking it with her pencil. That leaves —

  I said Seventeen.

  She stopped poking and looked at me with her mouth all twisty.

  I said Seventeen who still haven’t brought their sixpence.

  Miss Kenney didn’t say anything so I explained it for her. I said Because ten people have already brought their sixpence plus five today so still seventeen not. It’s like leftovers.

  Miss Kenney said Would you like to come up here and be the teacher Francis? She was doing mean eyes like she does but she was smiling at the same time. It was a bit confusing.

  I said Yes please and I was just going because I thought I can do whispering when I get there but she said Sit down Frankie.

  You have to do what you’re told so I sat down again and said But I want to tell you something.

  She did the big puffy breathing people do when they’re mad. She said Yes?

  I said Yes and I was getting up again to go and whisper it but she said Sit down then and tell me.

  I said I have to whisper it but I was already whispering so she said Pardon?

  I whispered I have to whisper it and everybody laughed. It was really loud.

  She said Go outside Francis and stand in the cloakroom.

  That made me feel a lot better because I didn’t like being inside anyway and because then she would have to come outside to talk to me and I could tell her without anybody else hearing it. I waited a long time in the cloakroom. I counted everyone’s coats from left to right and then I counted them backwards from right to left even though I knew it would be the same. I like counting backwards so I decided to count backwards from one thousand and when I got to five hundred and one Miss Kenney would come out. But she didn’t. I got all the way to one so I started again. I was near the middle (four hundred and forty-five actually) when the door opened. But it wasn’t Miss Kenney. It was Belinda Woleynski. She started talking to me and pretending to be someone important at the same time. She said Miss Kenney says Do you want to come back in to the classroom now?

  I said No thank you.

  Belinda said Pardon?

  I said No thank you.

  Belinda said All right then and went away. She looked over her shoulder three times before she shut the classroom door. It was only twelve seconds (I was still counting) when the door opened again. It was Miss Kenney this time. Yes! I thought but she looked really mad. Her chin was all wobbly.

  I closed my eyes because I don’t like seeing mad faces. It makes me do laughing sometimes and I can’t stop. You know that.

  She said You can close your eyes as much as you like Master Francis, but you can’t close your ears. And she was right because I could still hear her. She was breathing like when you blow your nose. It made me want to laugh as well so I thought I’d better be quick.

  I said MyMum’s dead but my mouth was still trying to laugh.

  She said What did you just say?

  So I said it again even though I knew she heard me the first time. I said MyMum’s dead.

  She said What do you mean saying something like that?

  I said She’s not alive.

  Miss Kenney said Well I haven’t heard anything about it.

  I said That’s why I’m telling you.

  She said So how come you are at school?

  I said I walked here.

  Miss Kenney stared at me really really hard.

  She said Do you want to tell that to Mr Bladgeworth?

  I said Yes please.

  She said Go inside and sit at your desk.

  So I did.

  I thought she was going to get Mr Bladgeworth and make me tell him but she didn’t. She came in behind me and said Right boys and girls put away your News (I had missed my favourite thing! If you copy the News really fast you can take out your reading book until everyone’s finished) and line up.

  I said aren’t we going to do Arithmetic? Because that’s what we always do after News.

  Miss Kenney said You were outside so you missed the announcement. Who can tell Frankie where we’re going? And everyone put their hand up.

  Miss Kenney said Derek?

  And Derek said Mrs Mahoney’s.

  Miss Kenney said Thank you Derek.

  I said Please can I stay here? I have to think about MyMum and everybody burst out laughing.

  Miss Kenney said I think you know the answer.

  I said No I don’t and that was when she shouted out loud. She shouted FRANCIS! LINE UP RIGHT NOW!

  It made my knees wobble even though she shouted THANK YOU! right after. Nearly everyone was laughing. I was the one who wasn’t.

  Miss Mahoney’s class is right on the other side of the playground. I did not know why we were going there. It made my head all muddled up and lots of bad ideas started getting in. Then a good idea squeezed in-between. I could tell Mrs Mahoney. She might know what to do. She has grey hair in a bun like my Gran.

  I waited a long time when we got there while everyone pushed their desks back so we could sit on the floor. Mrs Mahoney had a big white sheet hanging over her blackboard. I didn’t like it. I didn’t know how I could tell Mrs Mahoney because there were so many people who would hear me. Then I sort of heard MyMum’s voice in my head and she was saying Take a big breath Frankie. Be really brave. I’ll hold your hand. So I put up my hand.

  Miss Kenney said Put your hand down please Francis. Then she whispered something to Mrs Mahoney.

  I saw Mrs Mahoney’s eyes looking right on top of my eyes and her eyebrows were doing Really?I’mdisappointedinyouFrankie. So I pretended to look at my socks. She said All right children. Sit down quickly and lots of other stuff then she clapped her hands and some of the children started clapping their hands and then everybody was clapping until Mrs Mahoney put her hands in the air and we all stopped at the same time and it was dead silent. She whispered Thank you, boys and girls. And then she said Now we can start and she put the lights out. A bright light came on the sheet and then some letters but they were all upside down you could tell. I thought it was a test so I called out the answer — Road Safety — and everybody laughed. Mrs Mahoney said Thank you but Miss Kenney stepped over three people and came really re
ally close to me. She did a kind of loud whisper that everyone could hear and what she said was If you say one more word you will have to leave.

  I said All right. But she didn’t notice that I said one more word or maybe it didn’t count because it was two.

  Mrs Mahoney turned the letters the right way up and then there was a man talking and a picture of a zebra crossing and then there was a film about some children who wanted to cross the road. It was completely boring and no one got run over. The bell for playtime rang before it was finished and Mrs Mahoney said we didn’t have to see the last bit. Perhaps someone got run over then. I hope not because that’s not fair if we missed it.

  On the way to the line I went over to Mrs Mahoney and I said I have something to tell you. She said Not just now dear. I have to take this back to the stock room. Come and see me in the playground. I’m on duty. I decided to spend playtime by the big tree and do spying until she came out but I didn’t see her once.

  When the bell rang we all went in until dinner time. It was Tests. I love Tests because no one bothers you and it’s no talking. Not even Miss Kenney. I did counting in my head while everyone was finishing. When the dinner bell rang Miss Kenney was purposely not looking at me. I could tell.

  Dinner was sausage and chips. It’s everybody’s favourite only my sausage had something in it like a tooth and I didn’t know that until I bit it and it broke up in my mouth. It was really disgusting there were so many bits I didn’t want to spit them out on my plate so I put up my hand to go to the toilet. I waited with my hand up but nobody came to see what I wanted. Then my throat jiggled up to get it so I swallowed them all. And then I was sick all over my plate. Everyone at my table said Eeeuk! really loud and one girl started to cry. A dinner lady came right over.

  She said Oh Lord. Then she said You to one of the boys and told him to go and get a big boy. The big boy took me to the toilets. I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t feel sick anymore. He said wash your face then. You stink. And then one of the teachers came in.