Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  We may have lost the connection Jamieson.

  The radio officer said Let me see. No we’re fine. Here you go sir.

  The Captain listened again then he said. It is. Speaking…Well we’ve only just found him, sir…No Mr Walters. He did not come to our attention before today…It is sir. Quite remarkable. But the Gloriana is a very — very — large vessel as no doubt you’re aware…

  I said I want to talk to him again.

  The Captain said. Indeed. Indeed Mr Walters. Mr Walters if you’d just excuse my interrupting you a moment I believe your son would like to talk to you again.

  He took the earmuffs off and whispered Just to tell him goodbye then. He put the earmuffs back on my head but he didn’t bother to put them in the right place so I had to listen through my neck.

  I said Dad?

  He said Yes Frankie.

  I said You sound like an old man all crackly. But you didn’t answer my question.

  He said Which one?

  I said Have you buried Mum?

  He said Yes. She’s sleeping now.

  I said You mean buried. Then I said Stoppit because the Captain was trying to take the ear things away again.

  I said Dad?

  He said Are you sure you’re all right?

  I said Yes thank you. Then I said Dad?

  He said Tell me.

  I said I don’t have any money.

  He said You don’t need any.

  I said How will I get home without a ticket?

  He said Frankie Be a good boy. Just do what people ask you to. It’s all going to be taken care of.

  But who will pay?

  You don’t have to worry one little bit about it.

  But who?

  The Foreign Office.

  That was a surprise! I must have been a foreigner because I was not in England. Like Dad was a foreigner when he went to France.

  I said Will you have to pay them back?

  He said Oh Frankie. Oh Frankie. Oh Frankie.

  I said What?

  He said I’m so glad you’re — And then I couldn’t hear anymore because the captain had got the earmuffs off me.

  He said I’m afraid we’ll have to call it a day now Mr Walters. I’ll let you say goodbye. The radio officer quickly took off his own and put them on my head.

  MyDad said Bye-bye. Then he vanished. When I said Bye-bye he wasn’t there. I think someone had pulled a plug out. I didn’t want MyDad to disappear. I felt more lonely than when I’m all alone. A big panic was coming up inside me but it went down again all by itself like it was sinking in the sea and instead of doing screaming I did a new thing. I did crying. Real tears. It was like my eyes and my nose were melting all at the same time. I was completely wet! I wished I was still talking to him. I wanted him to carry on talking and be talking to me all the way to New York then I could close my eyes and pretend he was in the same room as me (but like MyDad not like a crackly old man). But here is the funny thing — all the tears were burning me. Burning water! Imagine! That proves there’s no such thing as impossible.

  Being on this boat I thought is like not having a Dad as well as no Mum. I am like a whole orphan. Like a baby orangutan. Everyone was deciding where I should be and what I should do. And no one was asking me if I wanted to do it. I wanted to just go fast asleep until I could see MyDad again. I know he loves me even if he’s a bit useless like MyMum says. Said.

  Nurse Adeyemi said You look all in little man. Come along we’ll let them sort everything out.

  The Purser said Yes I’d better be getting back too. We’re rushed off our feet. As usual. Last day and all that.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon with Nurse Adeyemi. I didn’t mind her. She left me alone. She said I have a lot of paperwork to do. You’re going to have to amuse yourself. What do you think you’d like to do when you’ve done enough reading? Do you like drawing? Jigsaw puzzles? Do you want a nap?

  I said I’ll just read.

  I didn’t tell her I had some worrying to do before I did reading. Here’s what I had to worry about:

  1. Did they know I didn’t have any money to get home?

  2. Is it good or bad if they know?

  3. Does take care of everything mean pay for it?

  4. If it’s taking six days to go New York will it take six days to go back?

  5. When Gordon Knight gets off can Nurse Adeyemi be my friend instead-of?

  6. Will they let me talk to MyDad again so I can tell him to wait for me and everything when I get off? It will be harder finding the way because they don’t have a big arrow saying YOUR HOUSE like the one that said DOCKS.

  That was more things than I’ve ever had to worry about at once. I hoped the panic that was stuck in the dent at the bottom of my neck wouldn’t come up and spoil everything.

  When I had finished I read three National Geographic magazines and then I said Can I have a jigsaw puzzle please?

  Nurse Adeyemi said Yes. I’m ready for a little walk. We’ll go and get one shall we?

  I said Yes.

  We went up to the playroom. The same lady was in there who’s always in there.

  She said Oh hallo Matron. Oh they’ve palmed him off on you now have they? You know I haven’t seen his parents once this whole voyage. I don’t know why some people bother having children — all the interest they take.

  Nurse Adeyemi said I’d keep that observation to yourself if I were you Felicity. Where are your puzzles?

  The lady said I don’t know why I bother making conversation sometimes. It’s not appreciated.

  Nurse Adeyemi said You can say that again.

  But the lady didn’t. She just pointed to the shelf with puzzles.

  I picked Conway Castle One Thousand Pieces and we took it back.

  Nurse Adeyemi was using the table for her papers. She had to roll up the mat so I could make it on her lino.

  We even had our supper in her room. She said it was better than getting mixed up with all the people because there was soon going to be a lot of nosey parkers.

  Guess what I said for them to bring me? Nope. Haha.

  Chicken!

  I didn’t eat it though because it had a bone in it like a dead thing.

  After supper we went to a special room to see the Captain again. It smelled like a pub. He said He wanted to let everyone know how things were progressing. He said We have been advised by the consulut in New York — listen carefully — that the process of repatriation could be greatly simplified if the runaway were to remain on board otherwise the protockol would be costly and time consuming, requiring the services of both immigration and the judishary in the case of, as in this case, a minor. An exception could be made however for a runaway in tranzit provided the total time elapsed on US soil did not exceed twelve hours and provided the runaway was escorted by a citizen of his own country in possession of valid travel documents. We’re working on that one. So you see where we’re going.

  I said No.

  Everybody laughed but no one bothered to explain where so I listened carefully.

  The Captain said We’re trying to make the operation as simple as possible. He said the Foreign Office in London have been in touch with the Home Office and they will take care of all his travel subject to reimburssment over a reasonable time period. They didn’t spessify but one imagines they do know how to be reasonable.

  That was when there was another knock on the door. Guess who it was. I’ll give you a clue. Someone I like. A lot. Yes!! Alec! (But Mr Knight knocked. Of course.)

  Everyone did Hallo and Gordon Knight said So. Are you making any progress?

  Leftenant Fawcett said I believe we are. Indeed.

  When everyone had done a whole lot more talking and a bit of arguing the Captain said Well it’s bedtime for at least one of us around here.


  Leftenant Fawcett said I should say.

  I said I’ll sleep in Mr Knight’s room.

  The Captain said That won’t be possible I’m afraid.

  I said Why not? We can do sardines. He’s my best friend.

  The Captain said I couldn’t stay with him even if he was my best friend. He said I could sleep with Felicity Hicks from the Playroom. She’s certified.

  Leftenant Fawcett said he’d volunteer to go and ask her.

  I said No not her. I hate her. But nobody heard. They were talking about the Surgery again.

  I said Not the Surgery. Not at night-time.

  The Captain kept repeating what he said about Felicity Hicks. Warrant Officer Davies was on his side too. Gordon Knight and Nurse Adeyemi were both talking as well but I couldn’t hear what they were saying the others were so loud and no one was listening to me. No one at all. The Captain kept saying it was the best idea. Miss Hicks was properly trained in child minding. It was the best idea. It reminded me of when I tried to tell Miss Kenney. I gave up listening and did rocking instead and then I lay down and did kicking until I had to stop because I couldn’t breathe. (I was lying on my face. It helps if you can’t see people.) Somebody picked me up straightaway. Nobody ever picks me up. I hate it. It made me do loud screaming. It was Warrant Officer Davies. He said Crikey and put me down so he could hold his ear. Gordon Knight said What are you doing for heaven’s sake? I screamed I want to sleep with you I want to sleep with you about a hundred times. I had to scream because everybody had started talking again and nobody was listening. And then Leftenant Fawcett came back and said What’s going on? Make him stop. Officer Davies said he’s refusing to sleep with Miss Hicks. Or Nurse Adeyemi. Mr Knight said He’s been through a lot. Leftenant Fawcett said It’s probably because of where she’s from. Mr Knight said Let me talk to him alone. And then Nurse Adeyemi said Rubbish. Get out the road the lot of you. She got hold of my hand and said We’ll find our own place to sleep. Come along Mr Knight. And you (she was talking to me) you stop your nonsense or I’ll pick you up.

  I said I want to be picked up. She said Dear Lord give me strength.

  I said I’m not very heavy.

  She said Darlin you are no burden at all. Her bosom was lovely and soft.

  Gran

  Funny thing. I just want to tell Patti. Here we are just come from her funeral and I just want to run over and tell her the good news. Funny isn’t it? You still can’t believe they won’t be there. Even when they’ve been gone for days. The dead I mean. Even when you’ve seen them. Poor things.

  Len is all in bits. It’s the tension. It was only the tension kept him together this morning. He looked like some of the fellers come back from Dunkirk. Rigid he was through the whole service. Hardly moved a muscle. And her waiting for his goodbye under the flowers we chose. I chose. It never came. I just hope he was saying it in his head. Poor bugger. He did throw some earth in at the grave, sort of snatched it up quick and did it fast. Like throwing away dirt, rubbish. It was hard to watch. And back at the house he was the same. Teeth jammed together. He kept shaking his head if anyone offered him anything. He didn’t even move when the doorbell rang later. We were in the sitting room. Just Julie and her two and me and him. He didn’t move so I said, I’ll go. It was the police again. I thought, No. He can’t take it. Not if you’ve found his body. I just said, What do you want? Couldn’t bring myself to say come in. They said, We can’t say, Mrs Walters. We need Mr Walters to come down to the station again. Right away. I said, You know there’s a funeral here. They said, It’s extremely important. And they didn’t move an inch. So that was the start of it. We left Julie to tidy up and there we were, the two us in the back of the police car. We were only five minutes at the station, just long enough for them to tell Len they couldn’t say with hundred percent certainty but they thought they’d located him — alive! — and then we were off again to the Port Authority, the two of us shaking like leaves on a tree every time we went over a bump and now here we are. I waited outside. I needed the air. Len went in like a man who means business. Giant steps. It seemed like he was in there forever. I didn’t know what to pray for. Kept thinking just don’t let it be a mistake. Don’t. When he finally came out you’d have thought he’d had the worst news ever, the look on his face. He come up to me and I couldn’t tell what his expression was, his mouth looked like he was in pain. He squeezed his eyes tight shut. He said, It’s him. Course I knew it had to be. There wouldn’t be two Frankie Walters, God help us. He gave me a hug so tight I couldn’t breathe. I said, Steady on, Len. But it was no good. He wouldn’t stop. At first it was like he wasn’t breathing either. Then he was crying. Great big heavy baby sobs. I said, Come on, now, Len. He was crying so hard. Snot all over my hair. I said, Let’s go somewhere a bit more private, and we walked along and sat in the bus shelter. So here we are. The two of us sitting here in our black. Our shoes polished. We really need to get back to the house. I’ll tell him in a minute.

  Chapter 14

  TUESDAY PM

  (and Wednesday morning as well)

  She carried me all along the corridor and down in the lift and then along again to a door called Private and said Fred!

  When Fred came he said Good Lord.

  She said We want some blankets Fred and some extra pillows up on the Sport deck please. We’ll have nine blankets. No a dozen.

  Fred said Tomorrow?

  She said No right now please. We’re going up there now.

  But after we left she said After our ablutions. Right Frankie Chops?

  I said Right. That’s what MyDad calls it too.

  She said What?

  I said Urinating.

  She said You are a case you.

  She said Look we’re all right now Mr Knight. You go along to your cabin sir. You know the way?

  He said Yes yes. But I was looking forward to joining you.

  She said You don’t want your nice warm cabin?

  He said I’ve heard New York at sunrise is not to be missed.

  Nurse Adeyemi said And we’ll be first to spot the Statue of Liberty. Oh. I’m sorry.

  Mr Knight said Don’t be. You go along and Alec and I will make our own way up.

  So that’s what we did. Nurse Adeyemi pushed three sunloungers together and made a fort. My favourite thing! She put blankets on top of the mattresses for cozy and said Good job we’re flat calm. Get in the middle there you. We had special pillows that float and lots of blankets. Blankets underneath and blankets on top. Nurse Adeyemi got some other sunloungers over and made a kind of barricade and a sort of tent thing for over our heads. She said Mind how you go Mr Knight sir. Would you like me to tuck you in?

  He said I’m not five.

  The sailor who works with Leftenant Fawcett came to have a look. He said the Captain was not pleased. Leftenant Fawcett had said so. He said the Matron could find herself in hot water.

  Nurse Adeyemi said That would be lovely right now.

  Mr Knight said I sincerely hope not. Nurse Adeyemi has found an admirable solution to a very tricky problem. She should be commended.

  I already told you blind people can do anything they want. Gordon Knight is good at making people do what he asks.

  When he had gone Nurse Adeyemi said Look at the time. Eleven o’clock already. And we need to be up by four. Are you asleep yet Frankie?

  I said No.

  She said Well get cracking. Move your bottom.

  I laughed so hard my tummy hurt. And then I think I must have laughed to sleep because I don’t remember anything else until I woke up.

  It was still dark but there was a purple line over on the edge of the sea.

  Nurse Adeyemi and Mr Knight were whispering.

  He whispered I promise.

  Nurse Adeyemi whispered Thank you.

  I said You don’t have to whisper. I’m awak
e.

  Nurse Adeyemi whispered GO BACK TO SLEEP but sort of loud.

  It was exactly the same as when we went camping in the New Forest. It was nearly daytime and the rain had stopped and I heard MyMumandDad whispering and I said the same thing and MyDad said the same thing. GO BACK TO SLEEP and I did. When I woke up I remembered MyMum was at home. She didn’t come with us. I asked MyDad who was whispering and he said No one. I said Yes someone. And he said You were probably dreaming. And I said or you were talking in your sleep and he said Most likely. I said With two voices.

  I didn’t go back to sleep on the sunlounger. I did thinking. I did thinking about MyDad all by himself. MyDad driving in the car with no one beside him and I’m not on the back seat. MyDad sitting at the kitchen table. MyDad making himself a cup of tea. MyDad saying Bye going out the door and nobody saying it back. I couldn’t think about MyDad burying MyMum because that’s too difficult. I don’t know what it would look like.

  All of a sudden Nurse Adeyemi interrupted. She said Come along now. Shift your bottom. She doesn’t mind saying that word. It makes me laugh.

  She said Don’t start. Just don’t. We have to hurry if you want to see the Lady of Liberty.

  I said Statue.

  She said Yes.

  She said We need to do our ablutions first.

  I said I just have to say Good morning to Alec.

  Gordon Knight was already up. I climbed over the sunlounger and said it. Alec licked my mouth. That means the same thing.

  Everything was a big hurry after that. After our ablutions lots of people had come onto the deck. Probably one thousand three hundred and sixteen haha. Everything was smokey pink except the sea and the sky. They were turquoyse. We saw the statue but it didn’t last very long because we were moving by and then everyone moved over to the other side of the boat to see the buildings going past. I told everything to Mr Knight like — There’s a skinny one and — That one’s all windows and — There’s a seagull just by us. Mr Knight said I’m really enjoying New York. And Nurse Adeyemi said It’s a beautiful morning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a beautiful morning coming in. Afterwards we went down to the Surgery. The Surgeon said Good morning Matron. There’s a message for you to see the Captain. I’ll keep an eye on the boy.