Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  When she had gone I was bored. I said Can I get some National Geographics from next door, please? and the Surgeon said yes.

  I read some of them while I was choosing so I was still there when Nurse Adeyemi came back. I could hear her shouting next door. She came in and said Lord give me strength. And he didn’t even get you any breakfast.

  All right she said. Now we hurry up and wait again.

  I said What for?

  She said You know what? I’m not exactly sure. But one thing I know. I’m not going anywhere until we get you sorted darlin.

  We waited a long time in her room with the chairs. We had to go up and see the Captain three times. Once was for two people in uniforms. Once was for a policeman and a police lady and the last time was for a man I hadn’t seen before. They all asked the same questions about MyMum and why I ran away and how I got on the boat and was I really all by myself and was I sure no one helped me.

  The last man said Well not long now son. Are you ready for another journey?

  I said Where to?

  He said Where would you like to go?

  I said Home.

  He said What I was hoping to hear. You be a good kid now and the Matron will get you ready and you’ll be home in no time. You’ll see. Your Dad will be waiting for you. Run along now.

  I said That’s a manner of speaking. Right?

  He said Haha. I guess it is. Bye now. Then he said Oh and Matron perhaps find him something clean to wear in the meantime. Or perhaps a bath. You know? He said You know? with his face all wrinkly like an old potato.

  Nurse Adeyemi said Will there be time?

  He said Yes. Plenty. The car won’t be here until four. And the paperwork will be in the Purser’s Office by two. We’ll let Mr Knight know too.

  I didn’t understand why we needed a car. Everything had seemed all right until he said that.

  I thought about it a lot while I was having my bath. (Yes a bath! On a boat! I know! Nurse Adeyemi said I could use hers and she would guard the door.)

  When I had dried myself and got dressed I opened the door and said I’m not getting in a car.

  She said Whatever do you mean? Don’t you want to see YourDad?

  I didn’t answer because the last one was not a real question. She knew I did.

  I said You can’t get to England in a car. Someone is trying to trick me.

  She said Come over here and she put her arm round me. She said Darlin you are still only six. You’re going to have to let people help you get back. No matter how smart you are. There are lots of people working really hard right now to arrange everything to get you back to England. You even know one of them.

  I said Leftenant Fawcett? I don’t like him much.

  She said No. Your friend Mr Knight. He’s going to take care of you on the way back.

  I said He’s going back? He only just got here.

  She said Well perhaps he’s homesick too.

  She said I think all the passengers are off now. Shall we go and find something to eat?

  I thought Yes — a piece of cheese haha! But I didn’t say it because she didn’t know anything about the cheese and it would be too complicated (and a bit scary) to tell about the stealing part. So I just said Yes.

  We went to a restaurant I had never seen before. Nurse Adeyemi said it was called the Mess. I said Couldn’t they call it a better name than that?

  She said Like what?

  I said Like the Messo-Potamia?

  She said Well they could try. But I doubt it’d catch on.

  We got sausages and beans and tomatoes and then Nurse Adeyemi said Let’s take it back to my room. We can eat in peace there. Too many nosey parkers in Messo-Potamia.

  While we were eating she said You do know you’re going home on a naeroplane right? That’s why you need to go in a car. To get to the airport.

  I said I don’t want my second sausage. I’m not hungry anymore.

  She said Aren’t you excited?

  I said No. Yes.

  She said Well?

  I said I’m too excited. I feel sick.

  She said Lord you are a piece of work.

  I didn’t ask her what she meant. I was thinking about being in the air with nothing to hold you up.

  She said Why don’t you have a little nap while we wait. I’ll wake you up when it’s time.

  At a quarter past three we went to the Captain’s Quarters. Mr Knight was there with Alec. Mr Knight was having a glass of sherry and Alec was looking as if he needed someone to say Hallo and talk to him so I did.

  The Captain said Thank you very much Matron. You can get on with your day now.

  She said Sir?

  He said That’s all. You’ve been a great help.

  She said I’ve packed him a sandwich and a bit of fruit sir. She was holding out a red-and-white cardboard box with Taylor’s Flexible Dressing written on it. She said And there’s a National Geographic in there for him too and a colouring book from the Playroom. I didn’t like to take too many crayons though.

  The Captain said That’s very thoughtful and put it on the table.

  He was holding the door open but Nurse Adeyemi didn’t go out. She came over to where I was telling Alec about my bath. She bent down and whispered (even though you’re not supposed to when there are other people). She whispered You look after Mr Knight. Promise?

  I whispered All right.

  She looked at me with eyebrows up so I whispered Promise.

  Then she said Say Hallo to YourDad.

  I said Well of course. Bye-bye.

  Guess who sat beside me on the aeroplane. Here’s a clue. Someone who belongs to me so their name begins with My. Haha it was not MyDad and not MyMum either. It couldn’t be. Remember? I was trying to make you think that. It was My friend Mr Knight. He said he didn’t really want to see New York anyway. And guess who was under my sticking-out feet. Alec of course!

  I had a big wide seat belt on and that was one good thing at least. I had never been on a naeroplane before. Mr Knight kept saying Are you sure you’re all right? I just said Yes thank you. It was only a tiny lie because it was secret. I held on to the armrest and Mr Knight covered up my hand.

  I said Are we going to crash?

  Mr Knight said No. My ticket says we’re going to London.

  That was the best joke I had ever heard. I thought I might laugh at it later.

  Right then I had to be quiet because we were going to take off. Everybody was putting out their cigarettes. I decided to close my eyes and do counting until it was safe. Mr Knight said Don’t you want to look? I said No thank you. I’m counting now. He said You might miss a treat.

  I had only got up to three minutes when the roaring started. I was sort of pressed into the back of my seat with my eyes squeezed tight. There was so much noise I thought we were going to hit something.

  Mr Knight said What can you see? Let me guess. All beautiful colours — purple and pink and turquoise and orange and navy blue and many bright lights twinkling all over like Christmas…

  So I looked. I couldn’t help it. I opened my eyes and it was true.

  …And the runway is going super fast and then sort of dropping underneath us so you can see it even better with the trucks and the planes and the airport buildings and there’s the river now and the whole sea. Are you glad you opened your eyes?

  I said You can see. You’ve been pretending the whole the time.

  Mr Knight said I’m afraid not. It’s something my friend told me about and I’ve never forgotten it.

  — Or your friend.

  — Nor my friend.

  I did not think we were going to go so high. I closed my eyes again so I couldn’t see it. It was like the world was disappearing. It made me think I would disappear too.

  I kept my feet on Alec’s back and Mr Kn
ight kept his hand over mine and I kept counting. When I got to four hundred and nineteen (I used Mr Walters. Like One Mr Walters. Two Mr Walters) a nannoucement came on and said Ladies and gentlemen you may unfasten your seatbelts and resume smoking at this time. So I opened my eyes again. I was right. There was no more world. Only clouds.

  I said We’re going slower.

  Mr Knight said It’s an illusion.

  I said Like cutting the lady in half?

  Mr Knight said Not quite. Would you like to undo your belt and put your tray down now? I expect they’ll bring us something to drink.

  I said I still don’t have any money.

  Mr Knight said Ssh.

  I looked out the window again and it was all clouds and a funny coloured sky. I put my tray down and up again fifty-six times before the stewardess came to give us a drink. I had orange squash. So did Mr Knight except he put Scotch in his. That’s whiskey. I know because I asked MyMum once. I asked her if it was her favourite thing and she said No Frankie. You are. And Dad. He’s second. I said And Uncle Jack. She said Uncle Jack’s special third. I said and then Scotch and she said Probably but don’t tell. I don’t know if it’s all right to tell you now that she’s you-know-what. I think she’s probably more relaxed about everything.

  When we were on the deck last night that’s what Nurse Adeyemi said. She said It’s funny how you’re more relaxed about everything when you’re outside. It’s the air.

  I was timing it. We had been on the plane for five hours and forty-six minutes. We had one blanket each and one pillow. Our seats went back like a dentist’s chair. We had eaten two meals and two snacks. Mr Knight had smoked eleven cigarettes and drunk four whiskeys. He was asleep. So was Alec. I had had four little bottles of orange squash. I had read three magazines (I read them out loud so Mr Knight could listen) and Mr Knight had read half his special book. It’s braille. That’s dots for letters. He said he’d already read it once but that it was all he had. He said I could try to learn it if I wanted one day. It’s interesting to touch words. He said I couldn’t have any more juice for another hour because I’d be climbing over him to go to the W.C. That’s what they call it on a plane. He let me have his special watch so I wouldn’t have to ask him the time anymore. You have to open the front and be very careful and feel the time. If you make your fingers very very light you can feel the time passing. I needed to know so I could tell how many more minutes until I saw MyDad. There were four hours and twenty-one minutes left. Mr Knight told me it would be at nine o’clock in the morning which was four o’clock on his watch because London was five hours ahead. It was complicated but don’t worry if you don’t understand.

  When it was dark I looked out of the window again. You could see the stars but only if you knelt up and put your blanket over your head and pressed it tight on the window so you couldn’t see the inside of the plane.

  The first time I did it the stewardess (that’s like the waitress) came and said Is he all right sir? And Mr Knight — he was awake then — said I don’t know. Are you all right Frankie? I said Yes thank you. I’m looking at the stars. He said Are there lots? I said Millions. Maybe trillions. If they were dots you could read them like braille. Mr Knight said Imagine! And then he ordered another drink.

  When the stewardess came back she whispered something to him. He said Of course. Why don’t we ask him?

  She said to me Would you like to see some more stars ?

  I said What do you mean?

  She said Come with me.

  Mr Knight said Yes. Go. Go.

  The stewardess took me right up to the front and opened a door to the cockpit (that’s what they call it) where the pilot sits.

  He said Good evening. Come in come in. It was like the pictures but better. It was so big. He had a curved windscreen so he got a really good view and it was huge outside. Huge and dark and bright at the same time. Millions and millions of stars white and yellow and different colours like when we were on the deck but you didn’t have to lie on your back to look at them. They were right there in front of you and you were flying right into them. At the bottom far away was a long line of bright orange curving round like the windscreen. I think it was the edge of the world. Except the world can’t have an edge. It’s a ball.

  The pilot looked at me and saw what I was looking at. He said That’s tomorrow.

  When I went back I had another look at the stars. If I nearly closed my eyes but not quite I could see even more than before. It wouldn’t matter how hard you looked you would never see them all. And it would be no use counting. It doesn’t matter how many there are anyway. There are probably just the right number. It was like a great big field where you could go to play. I thought MyMum could be out there instead of being buried. I said in my head she was. It made me feel better. She would like it anyway because she likes fresh air and she likes the sky. She could be out there and sort of watching this tiny little plane all by itself. And I’m in it! So she could say There you are! I was wondering where you’d gone! And I could say Don’t worry. I won’t go away again. You can do remembering forever if you want. Then she would probably say Never mind me. It’s YourDad I’m worried about. And I would say. Don’t be worried. I’ll look after him.

  The next time I opened Mr Knight’s watch and felt the time it was two o’clock. So it was already seven o’clock in London. So it was two hours until I could get off and see MyDad.

  It was all mixed up inside the plane. Some people were snoring (Gordon Knight!) and some people had their lights on reading and it was supposed to be still night-time but when I looked out the window it looked all pinky-orangey. If it was getting to be day why was it only two o’clock and if it was only two o’clock where did the stars go? They can’t really go anywhere because the world is sort of in them. So where are they? It was the most complicated problem I had ever had to think about. I don’t know how astronomers do it.

  Chapter 15

  I suppose you’d like to know if I got home all right and if MyDad came to meet me. Answer — Yes and yes.

  I wasn’t scared anymore on the plane. It was just sort of normal. Mr Knight wasn’t. He said he had a headache. I said It’s a good job I’m here to look after you when we get off and he said It is it is.

  The stewardess brought us some breakfast. It was horrible egg and horrible sausage. I gave mine to Alec when Mr Knight wasn’t looking (haha) but he still knew. He said If that dog is ill I shall know who to blame.

  We had to tidy up and put our seats straight and everything so it was quite busy. There was a long queue for the W.C. Mr Knight said I had to go when he came back because it was still a long way to Southampton.

  I said Is that where you live?

  He said No. I live in Exeter.

  I said That’s where MyDad took me camping.

  He said You’ll have to come and visit. There’s a lovely field right beside my house.

  I said How do you know?

  He said What do you mean how do I know?

  — How do you know it’s lovely?

  — If you stand in the middle of it — with your eyes closed — you can hear larks and sparrows and finches and warblers. You can smell the wild flowers. You can smell hay if it’s hot and the resin from big poplar in the corner when the wind rakes the leaves down. You can walk across it and you can go down and fish in the stream.

  I said Can we camp in it?

  He said I hope you will one day. What can you see now?

  I said It’s still clouds. Heaps and heaps and heaps. Oh and some going by the window. They’re really fast. Oh and nothing. It’s all white and foggy. No and a bit of ground. I can see the ground and fields and trees and buildings and roads and I can see everything. There’s a river.

  Can you see the airport?

  I can see planes down on the ground. We’re going so fast…oh. Is that it?

  Yes. That’s it. W
e’ve landed. You’re home Frankie.

  I said Only in a manner of speaking.

  MyDad looked like someone who wants to cry when he saw me at the airport. He was behind a kind of barrier watching us all walking along and when he saw me he turned his back and walked the other way in a big circle and then he sort of ran low down and ducked right under the barrier and came and picked me up and turned me round and round and round in the middle of everyone so it was a real nuisance. He didn’t say anything for a long time and then he said I’m sorry Mr Knight. Let me help you. And Mr Knight said I’m fine thank you. Let’s just get out of the way.

  So that’s how I went to New York (but no one believes me) and then came home again.

  THE END (Ta-da)

  (I know Chapter 15 is a bit short but I didn’t have any more things to tell you. Too bad for you. Haha.)

  Frank Walters

  A noying wasn’t he? Haha. It’s ages since I’ve looked at this stuff, ages. I can’t believe what an objectionable little fart I was. I don’t think, to be honest, I’ve ever read it over from the beginning. It’s so long ago I can’t quite remember. I know: I’m supposed to have an infallible, word-perfect memory. Make that used to have.

  I wrote it not long after I got back. Dad wanted me to go to Aunty Julie’s to take my mind off everything but I pulled one of my tantrums. I’m sure she was greatly relieved. I simply point-blank refused. You know the phrase “kicking and screaming”? Well, that was my forte. Poor Dad. He never did know how to handle it. Gran moved in for a while and persuaded him to let me just stay home. He asked what she thought she was going to do with me all day.

  Gran said, “I’ll think of something.”

  I remember joining in, then. I said, “You don’t have to think of anything. I’m going to write a book.” And I remember neither of them laughed at me. Gran asked me what it would be about. I said, “My trip. Of course.”