Always Upbeat / All That

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “The what?” Ella asked, making me know my girls needed a football lesson.

  “The top southern conferences: the Southeastern Conference and the Atlantic Coast Conference,” I said. I threw my hands in the air, expressing that they needed to diversify their knowledge of the game.

  “You were around Blake way too long,” Eva said to me. “We just cheer for a touchdown. All that other stuff is extra.”

  “Yeah, and really overrated,” Randal said, finishing up her food.

  “I think I’m ready for a boyfriend,” Hallie said out of nowhere. “I have no idea where I’ll find one.”

  “Well, take your time,” I told her, reflecting on my drama with men.

  “Yeah, who wants a boyfriend?” Eva said, smirking. She had one up on the boys. “They want to be players, but they don’t like it when girls like to have fun. I’m not going to let one tie me down. It’s our junior year; I’m going to enjoy it.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t want the wrong name for yourself,” Randal said, referring to Eva being a little too loose.

  With much attitude, Eva said, “You just get some business, then come back and talk to me.”

  Not taking it personally, Randal threw her hands up. Eva winked at her. Ella hugged Randal to make sure she was cool. I smiled at them all.

  It was fun to see the five of us stating our opinions. We were all big headed, strong willed, and direct, but we knew how far to push each other and not to get on each other’s nerves. I told them how much they meant to me. It was a serious moment of tenderness.

  When I got home, I saw my dad moving things out of the house and putting them into his car. I rushed over to him and threw my arms around him.

  “Dad, you can’t go. We can work this out. Please stay.”

  My mom came over and said, “You’re dad’s going to leave for a while.”

  My dad cupped my face and said, “Yeah, but your mom and I are committed to working on this thing. Just need a little time apart. Don’t worry, pumpkin.”

  As my father drove away, my heart sank. Though they had to do things their way, my soul did not feel good at all. I could only hope my dad would truly come back.

  It felt really good walking into school with my friends. What a difference a day made! I was no longer on the outs. I was with my girls. I was a part of the in crowd, but I saw those who were not popular standing alone, looking disappointed and upset when people frowned at their outfits, hairstyles, or kicks. Instinctively, I went out of my way, speaking to every loner I saw.

  Well, until Brenton came up to me and said, “Okay, you’ve passed me a couple times. I guess I need to stand by myself for you to notice me?”

  Letting him know he had swag, I said, “Well, you were with your boys and everything, so I didn’t want to step in the middle of all that.”

  “I guess my kiss wasn’t that good because today I can’t even get a hello, much less an instant replay. Unless you want to prove me wrong,” he said, as he stepped in a little closer.

  “No affection in the hallway!” Eva said, as she pushed me on to class. “Call her if you want to catch up with her. She’s got an iPhone. Text her.”

  As me and my girl dashed to class so the bell would not catch us, I smiled. Brenton was truly into me. He noticed I was trying to make others feel good.

  Walking with Eva, I was lost in thought when she said, “Yes, he likes you, girl.”

  We had an even and odd schedule, which meant we had four classes on odd days and four different classes on even days. This was an even day, and Eva and I had PE together. The bell rang right before we stepped into the gymnasium. Thankfully our teacher, Coach Woods, gave us grace and motioned for us to hurry and get ready.

  When we went into the locker room to change, I stopped walking because I saw Jackie talking to a few of her girlfriends. They were looking at pictures on her phone. High-fives were being dished out like she’d won the lottery, gotten an engagement ring, or won the lofty Pulitzer Prize. Had Blake asked her to be his girl?

  “I can’t go in there,” I uttered. But I was with Eva, and of all my friends, she was the last one that was going to let me punk out.

  “Hey, y’all! Excuse us. You’re standing right in front of our lockers.”

  “There’s no names on any of these,” said Dajezah, who was really large and sassy.

  Eva stepped to her and said, “Just because dance girls don’t have lockers, be informed that varsity cheerleaders do. Move, big mouth. They’re right here. That’s why they’re locked up.”

  Dajezah shook one of the locks to irk Eva. The other girls laughed. There was no movement.

  Eva stood firmer, wanting Dajezah to do something stupid. “Move now!”

  “Ugh, you can just ask us nicely,” Jackie said. “You don’t have to be rude or anything. Just because I got your girl’s man doesn’t mean you have to be salty.”

  More upset than I could explain, I tried to calm myself down before I spoke truthfully. “I’m standing right here, Jackie, and I’m clearly aware of everything that’s gone on. You don’t have to rub it in my face.”

  As much as I wanted to say Jackie was ugly, I couldn’t. I definitely could see why Blake found her attractive. So did a lot of other boys, the way she flaunted what she had. Not hatin’, I had to admit that her body was tight, and she was not a dummy either.

  Showing she wasn’t a true jerk, Jackie said, “For what it’s worth, Charli, I am sorry.”

  “You’re sorry for what,” I vented, realizing this girl had truly broken the Leave someone else’s man alone! rule, and she did not deserve my forgiveness. “Disrespecting the fact that I had a boyfriend? Come on, Jackie. Are you really sorry? You did everything in your power to take Blake away from me. You’re sorry for what? That you pranced around practically naked right in front of him so he wouldn’t have to imagine what was underneath your clothes. You wanted him to see. What are you sorry for? I mean really … you knew he had me, but that didn’t matter to you.

  But now that you’re his girl, do you understand how vulnerable you are to have a guy like him be your guy?”

  “Yep, because these girls around here don’t respect no relationships,” Eva sneered. “I admit, I’m a player like the boys, but I don’t go after taken merchandise.”

  “Please, when you’re all used up, nobody wants you,” Dajezah said, as a couple of her girls gave her dap.

  But I pulled Eva back, because the ghetto in her was rising up. Jackie looked away. She knew she had done me wrong. Truthfully, it certainly was not totally her fault. It took two to tango, and Blake was dancing with her. When we stepped out of the locker room that was obvious.

  Before stepping onto the gym floor, Eva said, “Brace yourself.”

  I took a very long, deep breath, “Blake’s in this class, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah, and … um … Jackie just ran to him. He’s cuddled up with her,” Eva grabbed my hand to keep me strong, reminding me of how Ella always used touch to show love.

  When I looked over at Blake and Jackie, they were laughing and smiling. Honestly, it was hard to see Blake happy with someone else. His two boys, Leo and Landon, strolled over to us. Leo was the one Ella had said had gone from a stick to a stud. Landon was a tall, lean cutie pie too.

  “Boy, are you on steroids?” Eva quickly said to a beefed-up Leo.

  “I told him, right?” Landon teased, irritating Leo even more.

  Leo sarcastically uttered, “Ha-ha-ha. Just ’cause some of us don’t get in the gym, no need to hate on the results.”

  Landon put up his muscle to impress. Unfortunately, the result was not a cut look. We all laughed, including Landon, as his arm clearly wasn’t as dynamic as Leo’s. Leo smiled, feeling redeemed by the coarse joking. Then Landon was looking Eva up and down.

  “What you looking at?” she quickly said to him.

  She was into older guys. She had always only dated upperclassmen. Now that we were juniors, seniors were the only ones who had her eye.
I could tell Landon’s feelings were hurt.

  “I didn’t even come over here to talk to you,” Landon said to her, trying not to be embarrassed. “Charli, we just wanted to let you know that you’re still our girl. We still cool, right? We know our boy lost his mind, got another girl and all, but we like kicking it with you guys.”

  Leo added, “Yeah, Brenton, Blake, Landon, and me, we hadn’t hung out with y’all in a while. We don’t want all that to be over. But you understand why Blake needed you so bad.”

  Getting revved up like a race car engine to go hard, I said, “I understand, Leo. He thought I wasn’t there for him. What was so important that he needed to talk to me about? I do not know but …”

  “You ain’t know?” Leo asked me.

  Landon looked at Eva. “You didn’t tell her?”

  Eva looked away. Landon covered his mouth like, Oh snap! No wonder you never got back to him. Leo threw his hands up, motioning for one of them to tell me.

  I blurted out, “Tell me what?”

  Eva whispered, “Blake’s mom has cancer.”

  Those words hit my core. “Mrs. Strong, really? Oh my gosh.”

  “He found out around the time he kept calling you. He was freaking out. His dad was going crazy. We tried to be the rock for him, but I wasn’t tryna hold a brotha’s hand. But Jackie was there,” Landon explained.

  So much became clear. If he would have just said that his mom was sick, I certainly would have made time for him. I wonder if he thought that I would just instinctively know what was going on and connect with his pain? I was not a mind reader though. I knew Blake wouldn’t just go after the next pretty face. But I had let him down to his core. It didn’t matter that he was laughing with Jackie right now. It didn’t matter that the coach was trying to get us all to huddle up for the lesson. It didn’t matter whether Blake would completely go off on me. I had to let him know how I felt. Right. This. Second.

  So I rushed over to Blake and said, “Jackie, could I talk to Blake?”

  At first she wasn’t moving. I gave her a look that said it all: I respect your territory. She nodded and stepped away.

  “I just wanted to say I didn’t know about your mom. I’m so sorry. I hope she’s okay.”

  “She’s got a battle ahead of her with testing, chemo, a possible operation, and other stuff, so it’s hard. But it means a lot that you care,” he said, finally looking at me the way he used to.

  “Of course I do, and I owe you an apology for not being there.” There was an awkward silence for a moment. Finally I said, “I wish we could go back and fix it all, but it is what it is. I just want you to know that my feelings can’t completely dissolve. I do want us to be friends if that’s okay with you and the new girl. I won’t do her like she did me.”

  Blake didn’t know what to say. He just looked, stared, and nodded. I walked away from him, knowing that he was not going to be mine, but happy we were not going to be enemies. Sometimes that just had to be enough.

  It was Friday night lights and the first game of the season: So many of us had been looking forward to this after a long, steamy summer. The Lockwood Lions were taking on a big 5A school from Warren Robins, Georgia. The press said the road to the Georgia Dome, where the football state championship was held, started here. The team who won would have the best opportunity of winning it all in December, but this was late August and the heat was on.

  All the cheerleaders looked good. Our uniforms were sparkling. Our bows were perfectly positioned atop everyone’s head. Our pom-poms and megaphones were lined up straight. All the folks passing by smiled and gawked. We had it going on. Even Whitney understood her role and was not trying to take over. We had practiced so many sideline cheers and made up new ones that I knew would not bore the crowd.

  All should have been well, but it was not. Blake was on the fence, touching Jackie’s hair. She was flaunting a skimpy little outfit. And he was looking. I was having a hard time with it.

  We started cheering close to kickoff time. However, I threw my pom-poms down because I had no pep. I started to walk briskly toward the gym, but my girls came along side me.

  “What’s going on? We saw you looking at him, so there’s no need to front like Blake doesn’t have you all twisted up,” Eva said, as if she’d just figured out the hardest SAT question. “He’s not all that.”

  “Yeah,” Randal said awkwardly. Her sister-girl strength didn’t come naturally to her because she felt uncomfortable with her mixed heritage. “Child please, let Jackie have him. It’s going to get old before you know it, and he’ll be coming back your way.”

  Needing them all to head back to their positions, I said, “I just can’t cheer tonight, okay? Her screaming Blake’s name … He was supposed to only want me. How am I supposed to deal with this? How am I supposed to get out there? How am I supposed to act like everything is all right? I just can’t do it, okay? You guys are great. Whitney’s calmer. You’ll have a better night without me putting a damper on it. I am not in a cheerleading mood right now. You don’t want me to completely ruin this great moment.”

  Ella surprised me when she said, “Look, I know I always say the sweet stuff, but forget his behind. You don’t cheer for Blake. You cheer for Lockwood High School. You are the captain because you lead us. We can’t cheer without you.”

  Randal put her arm around me and said, “I know I always tell you to be modest and to take it easy, but in this case forget that advice. Besides, there’s another guy who likes you. Forget Blake.”

  And Eva said, “I know I’m always brash, but I understand you care about him. This hurts you, so I won’t say move on. But seriously, Charli, it is his loss.”

  “And I know I’m always loud …” Hallie said before she leaned in and whispered in my ear. “You have it going on. You live for cheering. I would kill to have your skills. Do not let anyone steal your joy.”

  A tear was rising up in me, about to ruin my perfect makeup. My girls had moved me. They cared and they made sense. I had to find a way to move on. If I was real with myself, he really wasn’t everything I deserved, whether his mom had cancer or not.

  “What do you want?” I heard Eva say, as I looked up and saw Blake pitifully standing there. He wanted solace; I was the one who needed comfort.

  “Can I talk to your girl for a second?” he asked Eva’s permission.

  Something weird happened at that moment. Though Blake was standing right in front of me, I saw Brenton in the background. I could not explain the connection, but while I thought my heart wanted the one directly in front of me, it actually was beating pretty rapidly for the one a few feet behind. Blake turned and saw what was holding my attention.

  He said, “I just wanted to make sure you were all right, but it looks someone else can make sure you are.”

  I looked in the stands and saw Jackie starring nervously. Something in the way Blake was looking at me made me think I could say, “Can we have one more chance? Can we give it another go? Can I be your girl again?” And he probably would have gone for it.

  He asked, “So you going to pick up your pom-poms again? I saw you throw them down.”

  “Oh, so you’re watching me?”

  “Don’t tease me, Charli. I know I lost a good thing in you, and I understand now that my cousin cares for you in a way that I’m just not ready to.”

  “Thanks for admitting that.”

  “Well, you’re special.”

  Though Blake cared, I knew he wasn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t what I needed. Brenton was right. I did have goals, dreams, and aspirations. I would not mind male company, but I was not trying to lose myself to please a guy.

  “We are going to be friends, right?” I said to him, remembering our gym class talk.

  “Yeah, if my cousin will allow that,” Blake teased, peering back at his boy.

  Seeing the pregame clock tick down, I said, “Go get them tonight. Blake, be careful. I think Jackie wants a lot from you.” I could feel her ears all the way ov
er here in our conversation, wishing she knew exactly what we were saying and making assumptions.

  “I’m going to go in now. We got to win this game. My dad catches me out here talking to all these girls, you know I’ma be in trouble.”

  Before he got to leading the true business of the night, I asked, “How’s your mom?”

  “Just keep praying.”

  “You know I will.”

  He touched my face and jogged off.

  Brenton was jogging past me, and I said, “Wait, hold up. Can I say something?”

  “What, you want to tell me you’re back with Blake?” he asked in an aggravated tone.

  “No, that’s not who I’m with. That’s not who I want.” I touched Brenton’s shoulder pad.

  “Oh, so you know what you want now? I saw you pitch a little fit earlier.”

  I huffed. Shoot, did everyone see me storm off? I had to keep my emotions in check from now on. Cheerleaders were front and center, and they had a rep to protect, an image to uphold, and a team to cheer to victory.

  “Yeah, but I realized that’s done, and if you’re serious about all that stuff you have been saying to me, maybe we can give it a go.”

  Coach Strong yelled from the field house, “Brenton, boy! Get it in here!”

  But before he left me, he pulled me into his arms. Then slowly and softly, his lips touched mine. Watching his fine, caring tail run off, I realized I was down no more.

  My girls came all around me. They squealed. After they settled down from being happy about my romantic interlude, I told them how much they meant to me. With all hearts and minds clear, we ran to our positions.

  It was time to go to work. I was a leader. I learned not to take that for granted. And though the night wasn’t how I imagined it a couple months ago, it actually was perfect. Even when going through the drama, I had to stay savvy and remember that the down times would end. When times get tough, don’t stress. You can make it if you stay forever cool.