In Too Deep

by Mary Connealy

  His men should be hot on Wendell’s trail. If the system he’d worked out with Tracker Breach held up, they’d find Breach real fast. And Breach disappearing would mean he’d either run afoul of Wendell or the law, keeping Breach from coming back—or Breach had found what Jasper sent him after, had grabbed it and run. Jasper couldn’t blame the man; it would take someone strong to resist.

  But not blaming Breach wasn’t the same as letting him get away with it.

  A cold chill slid like a knife into Jasper’s gut. Equal parts terror and determination. He had three weeks to either get that money from Wendell or die.

  Or run.

  Wendell had run and Breach hadn’t found him.

  Breach had maybe run and Mitch and Grove hadn’t found him.

  The West had a way of swallowing a man up. He heard that sand running through the hourglass. Heard the minutes of his life trickling away.

  He suddenly knew he had no choice. Even if Mitch and Grove found Breach, they weren’t going to be able to get to Wendell in time.

  Jasper had to go and stay gone until he’d found his money.

  Opium.

  The Hardeseys were brutal, vicious killers. He should never have gotten into the drug trade. The money hadn’t lured him. He’d already had enough money to last him a lifetime—at least until Wendell had crossed him. But the crime element that went with drugs was the kind of thing a man either got out in front of or got run over by. And Jasper had waded into the filthy waters of dealing in opium to keep his place on top of the criminal world.

  “What are you going to do?” Trixie faced him in the alley and ran a hand up his arm, then rested it on his shoulder.

  Jasper leaned back against the wall and looked at Trixie. Strange to think he’d miss her. She was his oldest friend. His only friend.

  As he studied her, the aging courtesan, he remembered how they’d teamed up so long ago. She’d fed him rumors that helped him move up the social ladder. When he’d moved up, he’d turned around and helped her. Even bought her the saloon, then helped her gather the girls.

  Why hadn’t he gotten her out instead? At the time he’d thought he was doing her a service by setting her up in this way. Making it possible for her to get out of making her money through living that dismal life, but only if she lured other women to take over the same duty. Pouring whiskey for men who should be home sleeping, when instead they were draining their pockets of money while she plied them with booze and women and poker.

  When he’d finally gotten established, why hadn’t he married her? They’d always been close. Jasper had even been faithful to her, as he suspected she was to him. Why hadn’t he made an honest woman of her?

  Honest. There was a word he didn’t deal in much.

  Why hadn’t he gotten her into a life that was . . . was just as sordid.

  Jasper hadn’t felt shame in about forty years, since about the age of ten. He’d felt shame that almost destroyed him when a cigar he’d snuck into his bedroom caught his house on fire and killed his ma and little sister.

  His pa, once Jasper confessed, had kicked him out.

  The shame had hurt worse than the beating Pa had given him. As Jasper scrambled to stay alive, he’d done things that numbed a boy to shame.

  He was a little bit surprised to recognize it.

  Lifting his hand, he wove his fingers through hers. A tiny gasp barely sounded as Trixie widened her eyes.

  Odd to think he was about to give Trixie the power to become very rich, very fast, by selling him out to the Hardesey clan. And he didn’t have the tiniest shred of doubt that he could trust her.

  “Here’s what we’re going to do,” he said.

  It only made Jasper more ashamed when Trixie didn’t even hesitate.

  Sweet mercy, he finally got rid of his brothers. “I thought they’d never leave,” Ethan said.

  Audra nodded. “I can’t believe they left.”

  She had Lily, and Ethan had Maggie. His family. Alone at last.

  The foal had been slow in coming, so the day was getting away from them.

  Ethan turned to face her. “Seth’ll be all right, honey.”

  “No, he won’t.” Audra looked down to find Lily asleep, which made Ethan look at Maggie. She was passed out against his chest. He smiled down at the sleeping toddler. She was a ringer for Audra, except bald.

  “Let’s get ’em to bed.” Ethan led Audra up the stairs. The babies were limp as Ethan rested Maggie on the bed and Audra put Lily in the drawer. As they walked out, Ethan said, “I need to get the cradle finished and build a bigger crib.”

  Audra went ahead of him to the stairs and he followed her down, bracing himself to listen to her start in fussing about Seth.

  When they were well away from the babies so their voices wouldn’t bother them, Audra looked up at Ethan, her hands clutched at her waist, her brow furrowed. “I think Julia is so bent on finding the fossils in those caverns that she’s not thinking of what’s best for poor Seth.”

  Ethan smiled, but it wasn’t that easy. He was mighty tired of hearing about poor Seth.

  A sudden desire to make sure Audra knew just whom she belonged to prompted Ethan to pull her into his arms and hold her tight.

  “Rafe won’t let anything happen to Seth,” he said. A slight tremor shook Ethan as he thought of how badly Seth could be hurt in the cavern, no matter how close to hand Rafe was.

  “Tell me what happened down there,” Audra said.

  “No, I’m not talking about that stupid cavern.”

  “I know you hate it.”

  Ethan laughed, but it was a coarse laugh, no humor in it at all. “Noticed what a coward you’re married to, huh?”

  “Being afraid of something you know is dangerous isn’t cowardice, Ethan.” Audra’s voice was sharp, and Ethan had the notion that she wasn’t talking about him or the cave. He wondered what danger she’d faced and feared.

  “It is if your brothers went through the same thing and both of them could get over it and go back in there.”

  “What happened?”

  “Please, let’s just forget it.”

  Audra lifted her arms to wrap them around his neck. “If you feel like what happened down there paints you as a coward, then maybe what happened makes Seth behave so recklessly. Maybe while you avoid the cave, which is good judgment in my eyes, Seth feels like he has to defeat it. He probably sees himself as a coward just like you do. Maybe Rafe, too. But they’re just reacting to that in different ways. All three of you were scarred by it.”

  “Not me. Seth is covered with scars, and Rafe has one on his forehead, but I walked away without a scratch.”

  “I think you have some scars, Ethan, but they’re inside where only you can see them.”

  She might be right.

  “If you’d tell me what happened, we might be able to help Seth. Maybe we can help all three of you.”

  Ethan swallowed hard. “Maybe if we talked to Seth. But what’s the point of telling you the story?”

  “If I knew what happened, I’d understand better. There might be a better way to treat him. And that could help him get over his nightmares.” Audra tightened her hold, and Ethan realized the warmth of her body was strong enough, steady enough, he could talk about what had happened for the first time in his life.

  “I doubt anything can end those ugly dreams. Seth’s had times when the dreams would come less often, but he’s never gotten over them completely. Not in all these years.” Ethan had never admitted his part in what happened to Seth. Rafe hadn’t been there. Seth too probably didn’t know what all had happened in that madness.

  “I know Seth was hurt in an accident. He fell in a hole and his terrible scars are from burns.”

  “I did it.”

  “Did what?”

  “I burned him.” Ethan started to tremble. It was shocking how powerful the words were when spoken aloud. “I dropped my lantern and burned my little brother almost to death.”

  Audra felt it,
because she hugged him tight, then drew him to the nearby kitchen table and sat him in a chair. She stepped away and Ethan reacted without thinking. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her on his lap.

  Somewhere inside he knew he shouldn’t touch her. When she heard the whole story she’d stand and put space between them. She’d probably move out of their bedroom and start sleeping with the children.

  Audra held Ethan closer. It was shocking how pleasant it was to be in her arms, especially when he knew it might be the last time.

  Audra shivered in his arms as she thought of that dark pit. She’d stepped inside the cave entrance, but she’d never gone farther in until the day Seth had taken Maggie down there.

  “We ran around down there all the time as kids and never quit finding new tunnels and caves,” Ethan said.

  “It’s that big? Really?” Audra felt Ethan’s strong arms flex as if he were hanging on for his life.

  He nodded. “We explored a lot and never found the end of it.”

  Audra pulled away from Ethan. “We could have lost Maggie down there and never found her again.” It terrified her to think of it. “But you can’t blame yourself for dropping a lantern, Ethan. It was an accident.”

  “The lantern was bad, but that wasn’t what I hate about that day. The burns”—Ethan shook his head silently—“they were awful. He was so badly hurt. For weeks after, we thought he’d die. He had ugly sores that took forever to heal.”

  Audra reached over and ran her hands through Ethan’s hair, wishing she could snatch that memory away from him and throw it down into a bottomless pit.

  Under his hair, Audra found a rough patch. Ethan pulled her hand away.

  “What’s that scar?” she asked.

  “I cut my head that day. I just sat there while Rafe tried to save Seth—while Seth screamed and burned. I did nothing.”

  “You do have scars, then.” Audra caressed the raised spot.

  “Rafe hit me.”

  “What?” Audra was suddenly furious.

  “He was trying to get me to help. He punched me in the jaw.”

  Audra’s hand left the scar on his head to cup his face. “Well, he’s just a big old skunk.”

  Ethan smiled over that. “He hit me and it did bring me out of whatever was wrong with me.”

  “You were hit on the head—that’s what was wrong with you, for heaven’s sake.”

  “Then Rafe told me he was going for help. The fire that caught on Seth’s shirt was out. When Rafe left, I thought he was going all the way back to the ranch. I thought he was leaving us for hours. It turned out Rafe had gone to get the lariat tied on his horse. He was back pretty fast. We got Seth out of that pit, but he was so burned. His skin was black in places. Every time he moved it bled. And when we got home, Ma was horrified by the burns. She cried the whole time she was trying to help him. Pa was furious at us for letting Seth get hurt. Then the nightmares started. Ma just seemed to cry herself to death. She lived for a couple more years, but she was never the same after I hurt Seth. And Pa just as good as quit the family. The nightmares wouldn’t end. One night Pa suddenly went into a rage and stormed out of the cabin. We didn’t see him again for months.”

  Audra held him so tight she hoped to crush such memories out of him.

  “The only way I could stand the screaming nightmares was to not care. I’d grouse about missing out on sleep and laugh at Seth and smile at my ma, even when she was crying, and smile at my pa when he’d yell about us being in the cavern to begin with. I didn’t care about any of it.” Ethan inhaled slowly, then raised his eyes to meet hers. “And I’ve never really cared about anything since. Except I guess hating that cavern is caring. But I fix that by staying far away.”

  “Ethan Kincaid, I’m a bigger coward than you’ll ever be,” Audra said.

  “You?” Ethan smiled, but it wasn’t that shallow smile he usually wore. No, this one looked genuine. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

  Audra snorted.

  “You are,” he insisted. “You argued with Julia and Rafe to try and keep Seth here. That’s mighty brave.”

  “I didn’t argue enough and you’ll notice Seth is gone.” Audra’s hands caressed his hair, running over the tiny scar no one else even knew was there.

  “Well, usually no one argues with Rafe at all. He gives orders and we obey them.”

  “I don’t think he orders Julia around. I mean, he might try, but I don’t think he has much success.”

  Ethan’s smile widened. She didn’t fool herself. He still believed he was a coward. She knew how hard it was to stop that kind of thinking, but for now she was surprised at how pleasant it was to cheer him up a bit.

  “Remember the first time we met?” she asked.

  “The day Rafe found Julia in the cavern.” Ethan shuddered.

  “Yes, when Wendell was so sick. Do you remember I told you I knocked him down?”

  Ethan quit shuddering and rolled his eyes. “You did not.”

  Huffing out a breath of annoyance, she said, “I did too.”

  “Hit me.”

  “What?”

  “Right now, uh, you’re a little close. Maybe you should stand up and just punch me right in the face.”

  “I will not!”

  “Bet’cha can’t knock me down.”

  “Well, you’re quite a bit larger than Wendell, but that’s not the point. Whether or not I knocked him down or he fell, the point is I made a promise to myself that night that I wasn’t going to be the quiet little girl who obeys orders anymore.”

  “I’ve never met that little girl.” Ethan smiled, knowing exactly what she meant.

  “You sure haven’t, because I changed before you got there.” Audra thought of how she’d meekly let Julia take Seth. Audra had argued a lot more inside her head than she had out loud. And Audra had little doubt that staying away from that cavern was in Seth’s best interests.

  “Well, good for you.”

  “What I’m trying to say, Ethan, is that I’ve been a coward all my life. When I thought Julia might never come back home, I realized just how worthless I was.”

  “You’re not worthless, Audra.”

  “If my normal life had gone on without Julia, I’d have been alone in that rickety cabin with Maggie and a baby on the way. It would have taken every ounce of strength I possessed to survive. When I thought Julia might not come back, I realized I’d gotten myself into a terrible mess. I swore I’d take charge of my life and get myself and my children somewhere safe. I told Wendell I was going, even if I had to walk. He started ranting. I didn’t realize he had a fever. That’s when he told me he’d stolen from a dangerous man. He told me we couldn’t go anywhere because that man would never stop looking. He shoved me and I hit him. I knocked him down.”

  “So you took charge of your life?”

  “Right before you showed up. I decided all the people who’d been running my life had done a poor job of it—my father, who as good as sold me to Wendell to pay off a gambling debt.” She saw Ethan flinch at that. “And my husband, who’d brought me to that dreadful, lonely place. I decided to take over and run my life myself.”

  “And that’s when you went to punching Wendell?”

  “I didn’t exactly punch him. He put his hands on me in anger, and I . . . I put a stop to it.” She jerked her chin. “But I suppose it wouldn’t have gone as well if he hadn’t most fortunately been deathly ill.”

  “Most fortunately?” Ethan grinned.

  Audra narrowed her eyes. “I should think you’d be just the tiniest bit frightened of me, Ethan Kincaid. I can do some damage.”

  “I’m shakin’ in my boots, darlin’.” He kissed her.

  “Glad to hear it.” She spoke against his lips, loving the taste of his smile. The conversation ended for a considerable length of time as Audra contemplated what an improvement her new husband was over her old one.

  “So it sounds like you’ve cured yourself of being a coward.” Then Ethan�
�s smile faded. “Now we only have me left to cure. Then maybe I can learn to . . . to . . . care again.”

  Sympathy like none she’d ever felt before welled up in her. “You care about your brothers.”

  With a shrug he said, “I rode away from here five years ago and only just came back. My pa and ma are dead and I haven’t visited their graves since I’ve been home. I never wrote a letter or even thought much about it.”

  “You care about Maggie.”

  A smile crept back onto Ethan’s lips. “I reckon I like the little ones good enough.”

  “And you know what, Ethan?” Audra kissed him. Ethan had kissed her on a few occasions, but how often had she kissed him? She thought it was her turn to start something. Audra realized she knew more about being married than Ethan, and maybe it was time she showed him what it all meant. She took her own meager courage in both hands. “I can show you something else you’ll care about.”

  “What?”

  She deepened the kiss, and unlike the other times, she pulled him closer instead of pushing him away. This time she didn’t tell him they mustn’t. It had been long enough since Lily’s birth, far longer than she’d been able to make Wendell wait.

  “You didn’t answer me. What is it you think I’ll care about?” Ethan asked.

  Audra smiled as she realized Ethan was far more of an innocent than she. For some strange reason, that pleased her deeply.

  She rose from his lap and reached out her hand. “Come on upstairs to bed and I’ll show you.”

  His eyes got wide. He clearly had some idea of her intent. He stood, so much taller than Wendell, so much stronger, so much kinder.

  “We pledged before God to be man and wife.” She took his hand. “That vow is about a spiritual union and a lifetime commitment, but there’s more to it than that.”

  Ethan tugged her forward. Arm in arm they went upstairs.

  Audra couldn’t be certain, but as they took the final step to being fully married, she thought Ethan acted like a man who cared very much.